Wisdom via Hindsight

We May Never Pass This Way Again (Seals and Croft)

http://youtu.be/i3mp4dkm1fQ

     I have been thinking about writing this post for a while and finally decided that today is the day. I hope that at some time in the future, when my own daughters and daughter-in-law need it, they will come to this blog post and read and re-read it. Perhaps it will help them, and others, understand and do things differently than I did. They say that hindsight is 20/20, so I am going to share some things that I learned over the years. How I might have done some things differently had I known then what I know now as a post stay-at-home motherhood and current empty-nester.

     What sparked my decision to finally write about this was a phone call the other day from a sweet, young mother who was at the end of her rope. She has several children, all of which are age 6 and under, and she is currently pregnant with another. She was feeling overwhelmed with her life, and she felt like she needed a break from her children before she did something she might regret. I was her "phone a friend" lifeline that day.  My heart went out to her and her situation. I have felt like her at various times in my own life and so I could most certainly empathize with how she was feeling and what she was going through. We love our children and are very thankful to have them. We feel a tremendous sense of responsibility to care for them and fulfill their every need, but there are times when being with them 24/7 is simply more than we can handle. Having "been there, done that",  I am going to share with you some of what I learned about those years and what I would have done differently if I had it to do over again....

     First of all, I would have taken more time for myself to develop my own interests and pursue some of my dreams. There simply has to be more of a balance in life. When one is in the midst of raising children, especially small children, we feel so selfish and guilty when we take even a little "time out" for ourselves. I am not suggesting that one goes overboard to the point of neglect or of being obsessively self-serving, but what I am suggesting is that you set aside a few hours or an afternoon one day a week to do something for yourself. It is very easy to loose your identity when you becomes a wife and a mother and it is very important, even essential, that you have something you can call your own that identifies you as an individual person - as you. For me, it was my taking the time to teach piano lessons for a couple of hours a week. It was something that I loved to do, it kept me in touch with my own skills and talents, it was of service to others and it also helped to bring in some much needed extra income to contribute to the family budget (or have some play money fore me - guilt free). It was a small amount but I can't count the times that it was just enough to cover what was needed. It has been a great blessing in my life and it blessed the lives of others - both student and parent. I felt good about what I was able to contribute to the world through teaching and adding to the beauty of the world through music education.

     Another thing that I would do is seek out  the support of and friendship of others who are in similar situations. Women need other women - girlfriend! I tended to isolate myself and think that I could do "it" all by myself, and even worse, that I had to do it all by myself. I suffered in silence and that was a big mistake. I needed to be around and talk to adults, especially when I was home with toddlers and infants all day. There are only so many episodes of Barney and Sesame Street that one can handle in a day (or Dora or Teletubbies  or ________ fill in the blank here)! When I was a new mother and living in a state far away from family and friends it soon became clear to me that I had to do something about my isolation and loneliness or I was going to go crazy (or MIA). I had a dear friend from back home who suggested that I get involved with La Leche League, which is an organization that supports and helps women who are breastfeeding their children. It was, hands down, THE best decision I ever made for my mental health! I found a local chapter of the group and attended one of their meetings. I was hooked. I soon found a group of like-minded women who had children my own children's ages and who were going through what I was going through and feeling what I was feeling. It was a miracle! We started a playgroup as well as getting together for the monthly meetings. Our children became friends as did we. Admittedly there were some challenges due to some differences of religious opinions, but for the most part we were able to set those aside and find more things in common than were different. La Leche League became one of my "lifelines" when we moved from town to town for schooling and jobs during those early years of our children's lives. It became a constant in the midst of chaos. I will be forever thankful for those dear women who supported and helped me during the good times and the bad times of those years. They helped to keep me "off the ledge" many times.

     And finally, I would have kept up some of my professional skills, either by taking a class and/or dabbling in my field of choice. Not to the point of neglecting my children, but only to the point of being able to keep up my skill set. At this time in my life I am facing a situation that the skills and training I received in my profession are no longer of use in the same way as they were pre-babies. I was trained as a secretary and worked in that field prior to having my first child, but  I have not worked in that field for many years and I no longer have adequate skills to work in an office environment as a secretary. I would need to go through retraining in order to work in that field now, and I figure that if I have to be retrained anyway that I would rather get my education in something that I feel more passionate about than working in an office as a secretary. I am also finding that the field that I have been working in for the past 20+ years is losing ground (as a piano instructor) to more exciting, instantly gratifying extra -curricular activities such as soccer, softball, gymnastics, dance, etc. I hate to see the devaluation of learning to play the piano (or any musical instrument), and I think that it will become a rare talent and skill in the future. It is not an instant gratification talent, but one that takes time and practice and patience to perfect and I see too few willing to put the time and energy into perfecting this talent.  The world will be a much sadder place without music in it, and those who play it well. I find it very difficult to find a young student who is willing to put in the time and practice and patience that it takes to become a skilled musician. My career choices have and are becoming obsolete, and so  I am finding myself at this point in life having to retrain myself in a job market that desires younger, thinner and better skilled employees than what I have to offer. Attending college in middle age is much harder than if I had continued to pursue my degree along the way and continued to dabbled in the field of study as I went along in life. So my advice, get the degree or training skills while you are young, but if you can't do it while you are young, just do it - and keep a finger on the pulse of your area of expertise. The world is changing so fast with the new technologies that exist that a degree or skill might become obsolete in the future, but if you keep an eye on the changes and can tap into it to whatever extent you can, you won't regret it in the future. And, it will make your future "empty nest" years (yes, they do eventually come) much easier to navigate.

    So, the bottom line is:

     Don't give up on your dreams; find a way to follow them,
     Enjoy play dates with your girlfriends and their kids, and
     Never stop learning.

That's The Way It Is (Celine Dion)
http://youtu.be/sLSWJtxvaUY

I Haven't Got Time for the Pain

Don't think. Feel (Neil Diamond)
http://youtu.be/6QVmhdXnhlE

Lots of people think that it is wrong to cry when you are afraid, hurt or sad, or even when you are full of joy. Others frown on those whose laughter fills the room when they are experiencing great joy. I'm here to tell you that I believe that to be a "profoundly dangerous" myth.

I ran across a video clip the other day that resonated with me. It's message - The Power of Vulnerability - has now come into my sphere of consciousness several time over the past few weeks. I think it's trying to tell me something. (Here is the clip for those who want to view it: The Power of Vulnerability (Dr. Brene Brown)
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html).

Over the past few years of my life I have come to better understand this "power of vulnerability". One of the symptoms that all was not right in my world was my inability to really feel deeply. At some of the most emotional and meaningful moments of my life all I felt was numb and disconnected.  I felt that I was simply going through the motions of life and getting through what needed to be done. The reality of this fact really hit me at significant events in which I knew I didn't feel the way I was supposed to feel. Over the process of time and understanding, I have come to realize that I had shut down my emotions and feelings.  I had felt such great pain and sorrow, that I became afraid to feel anything at all. I have found that in trying to "guard and protect my heart" from pain, I am also protecting it from feeling peace, love and joy.  Life is meant to be lived and felt.

Frankly, the past few years of my life have been quite the roller coaster ride of emotions. I became overloaded and therefore, I became afraid to feel anything anymore - good or bad. I did not want to be vulnerable to any more pain, but as a result I was also not able to feel much joy or happiness. I think that one reason I shut down emotionally was because I hadn't had enough time to, nor did I completely know how to, process one life-altering event before another one came along. I felt like a sinking swimmer desperately trying to come up for air and getting hit with another wave. Wave, upon wave - and I was barely breathing.

As hard as the past year has been for me it has also been a relief for me to finally have had enough down time to be able to process a lot of what has happened in my life over these past years. It has been a year of healing both physically and emotionally. Due to my physical health and other circumstances, I have been forced to deal with things that I would really rather not have ever had to deal with.  It has been sad, and sometimes quite painful in spite of my best efforts to avoid it.  I have come to realize how much I missed out on feeling because I would not allow myself to be vulnerable. I have also come to realize that vulnerability is what makes us human, it is what makes life worth living. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of humanness!

So, now I am finding that when I am in a situation in which I think I should be feeling a certain way - either joy or sorrow - and I am not feeling that way that there is something very wrong. I think that as I continue to explore understand this power of vulnerability, I am healing some of the underlying wounds and lighting up some of the darker places in my life. I am finding that in the long run it is much better to allow myself to feel what I need to feel than to suppress it, because these feelings inevitably come back later- stronger and more persistently.  I understand that being vulnerable will mean feeling more pain in my life, and I need to prepare myself for that possibility. But, it also opens up the possibility of feeling great peace, joy and happiness that has too long been absent from my life - and has been sorely missed. Life comes up short when the journey seems long.

I Haven't Got Time for the Pain (Carly Simon)
http://youtu.be/E3_l5Ss203I

Life Is Like a Piano....

Cristofori's Dream (David Lanz)
http://youtu.be/9wxrB41PMhw

     It's been quite a while since I last wrote. A lot has been going on in my personal life. Without going into detail, it's been a wonderful and challenging few weeks. I have been reminded of the life lesson (see photo insert) that "Life is like a piano: What you get out of it depends on how you play it.".  As a pianist, this one resonates with me.

     It seems to be the time of year that can be very unsettling for many people. Back-to-school preparations, moves to colleges or new job locations can disrupt and unsettle us. Fall seems to be the time that if someone is going to move or relocate, they are in the "short rows" to get moved and settled in before the snowflakes fly. We have moved multiple times in our married life and most of the time the moves happened in the Fall or Spring. 

     Our first move to Georgia from Utah took place in October 1987, 26 years ago. My husband had just finished his Bachelor's Degree and we got his first "real" job there. Our son was barely 4 months old. We arrived in the small town of Warm Springs, Georgia the day before Halloween. If you have ever been to Warm Springs, Georgia, then you know that this small town closes down fairly early in the evening. We drove into town and had no idea where we were going, nor how to contact the landlady for the home in which we were going to rent. There happened to be a Fall Festival that night at the school that her grandchildren attended, so she wasn't available at the number that we dialed on the town's one pay phone. (Yes, folks, it was back in the day before there were laptops, cell phones, email, Skype, Facebook - and, the pay phone only cost 25 cents to make a call). The town was so small that the sheriff immediately knew that we were strangers. He saw us at the phone booth (yes, that's what they had such a thing back then) and asked how he could help us. We told him of our dilemma and he knew exactly who we were talking about and how to get in touch with her. To make a long story short, she came over to the house (a double wide trailer on cinder block stilts - that that's a story for a different time) and opened the place up for us. We laid out our sleeping bags on the mattresses and crashed. It had been a long and eventful trip (also a story for another time). Talk about your culture shock!!!

     Seven moves later we settled into the home in which we now reside, and have resided for the past 14 years. Most of our moves have been job related, but a few of them were because I wasn't too happy where we were living. Most of the places where we lived up until moves 6 and 7 were rental places and so we were forced to move for various reasons, i.e. new job, new tenants that were related to the landlady that wanted to live where we were living, return to graduate school, rent increases, job changes. Once our children got in school we were much more careful about where we were located and how often we relocated. It can be very disrupting to a child in school to relocate and we wanted to minimize that as much as possible. 

     At the time of move number 5, my husband told me that I had better be happy at the next move because he wasn't too excited about doing it too many more times! Frankly, I wasn't either! This got me to thinking about what it was that made me happy and how it was more than just the house or place that we lived that contributed to my happiness.  You may have heard the phrase "Bloom where you are planted". I believe this is a pretty valid and wise philosophy. I have found that if I made the choice to be involved and contribute to the community in which I was living, I was a much happier person than if I just decided to sit back and wait for the community to come to me. The community didn't know me nor what I had to offer, so it was really my responsibility to decide how I wanted to live, how much I wanted to be involved and what I wanted to contribute to that community. At times it was refreshing to be able to relocate and "start fresh" where no one knew me nor anything about my past experiences. Sometimes that is what it takes to be able to "start over" and make life better. I hope that I have learned some things along the way..

     It isn't easy to "start over" when you move, but it can be an opportunity to decide what you need to change in your life. For example, if I have been a slacker in one location, I can change that attitude and step up to the plate and fulfill my responsibilities better in the next location. Another thing that is wonderful about the moves was the ability to take what I had learned in one location and share it with others in the new location. This would help to build up my skills and the share experiences  and what I have learned with others in the new location. It helped to build a better sense of community for me. These were priceless opportunities for growth for both the giver (me) and the receiver (them). Not to mention, the joy of being able to clear out and throw away some of the clutter and "stuff of life" that I had been collecting over the period of time before the move. Believe me, when you move as many times as we did, you learn what you can live without just so you don't have to move it again! What becomes important to you becomes very clear. 

    Some of the things that I came to appreciate through my moves were my family, my friends and my faith. These were the things that were constant and enduring throughout all of my moves. As a family, we learned to work together to support and help each other adjust to our new surroundings. I made some wonderful and enduring friendships in the different locations where we have lived and I value and treasure these true friendships. My faith is what has helped me to remain connected to what standards and values I need to maintain and on which to focus during the times of disruption and turmoil. Church has been my anchor in the turbulent waters of the moves, especially when I wasn't even sure where we were going to have a place to move into when we got there. God has put special people in my path at just the right time when I needed them to be there, and I will be eternally grateful for that. 

    I guess the bottom line is this, "it's not about where you live, but about how you live". Home truly is where the heart is, and if your heart is in the right place then "home" can be anywhere.

Home (Blake Shelton)

http://youtu.be/kkoT1nZOexY

     

Conviction of the Heart

Where are the dreams that we once had?

This is the time to bring them back.

What were the promises 

caught on the tips of our tongues?

Do we forget or forgive?

There's a whole other life

waiting to live.

One day we're brave enough

to talk with conviction of the heart.

Down your streets I've walked alone,

As if my feet were not my own.

Such is the path I chose,

doors I have opened and closed.

I'm tired of living this lie,

fooling myself, believing we're right 

when I've never given love

with any conviction of the heart.

One with the earth, 

with the sky, 

one with everything in life.

I believe we'll survive if we only try. 

How long must we all wait to change

the world bound in chains that we live in?

To know what it is to forgive 

and be forgiven.

Too many years of taking now

 isn't it time to stop somehow?

Air that's too angry to breathe. 

Water our children can drink

You've heard it hundreds of times.

You say you're aware, 

believe, and you care.

Do you care enough?

Where's your conviction of the heart?

One with the earth, 

with the sky, 

one with everything in life.

I believe it will start 

with conviction of the heart.

One earth, one sky

only one world

only one chance for

one life

When will we live?

Only one earth,

only one sky,

only one shot!

We've only got one chance to give it

One life

Believe

It's only gonna start 

when we believe with some 

conviction of the heart! 

Conviction of the Heart (Kenny Loggins - It's awesome!)
http://youtu.be/rQZbB5CUXFI

     I have recently had some experiences that have caused me to pause and take look deep into my heart, and review what I really believe and what I really feel about some things in my life. I neither sought nor necessarily desired to have these experiences come into my sphere of consciousness and awareness, but they came none the less.  Although I would rather not have had to address them, I believe it was necessary for my personal growth and character development, and to be able to move forward with conviction in my life. By facing these experiences I have come to better understand and solidify parts of my character and my life of which perhaps I was still a little unsure and uncertain. I have pondered, prayed, analyzed (and re-analyzed) and read as I searched for answers as to why they came into my life at this time and what I am to do about them.

     Today I had a breakthrough, and have come to better understand why they were put in my path and what I was to do about them. It is all part of my healing and growing process. One experience strengthened my "conviction of the heart" as I shared with an individual how I felt about things that are near and dear to my heart; things that it has taken me a lifetime to come to understand. The other experience strengthened my commitment to maintain choices that I had made many, many years ago in my life. It was not comfortable having to think about these things and having to re-assess them in my life, but it was very necessary in order for me to move forward with full "conviction of the heart" regarding them. I have solidified my feelings about them, and now I can move forward with a full understanding and with a full "conviction of heart" - and to be able to do so makes me feel good for the first time in a very long time.

For The First Time (Kenny Loggins)
http://youtu.be/lwFRB7sC7P4

What I Want My Children to Know, Part 1

 "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; 

knock, and it shall be opened unto you:" (Matt. 7:7)

http://youtu.be/Pzmw6DDEodQ

I Stand All Amazed

     This week I had to opportunity to reconnect with an old friend. She is searching for answers to some of the "big questions" of life and felt comfortable enough with me to ask my opinion. I felt so honored to be able to tell her what I believe. I got to thinking about my own children and how much I hope they understand the same things that I shared with her. So, I decided it was important enough to blog about it. So, here it is - part 1:

"The short answer to your question, "Why do we need a Savior?" is this - because we all sin.

Because of the Fall of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden (when they transgressed and partook of the forbidden fruit) they introduced both temporal and spiritual death into the world. If these two deaths had not been overcome by Jesus Christ's Atonement, two consequences would have resulted: our bodies and our spirits would have been separated forever, and we could not have lived again with our Heavenly Father (See 2 Nephi 9:7-9 - actually all of 2 Nephi 2 - http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/2-ne/2?lang=eng - is a wonderful chapter to enlighten us about this concept).

But our wise Heavenly Father prepared a wonderful, merciful plan to save us from physical and spiritual death. He planned for a Savior to come to earth to ransom (redeem) us from our sins and from death. Because of our sins and the weakness of our mortal bodies, we could not ransom ourselves (see Alma 34:10-12 - http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/34.10?lang=eng#9). The one who would be our Savior would need to be sinless and to have power over death.

Maybe a story, a parable,  by Elder Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles will better illustrate what I am trying to tell you:

"There once was a man who wanted something very much. It seemed more important than anything else in his life. In order for him to have his desire, he incurred a great debt.

"He had been warned about going into that much debt, and particularly about his creditor. But it seemed so important for him to do what he wanted to do and to have what he wanted right now. He was sure he could pay for it later.

"So he signed a contract. He would pay it off some time along the way. He didn't worry too much about it, for the due date seemed such a long time away. He had what he wanted now, and that was what seemed important.

"The creditor was always somewhere in the back of his mind, and he made token payments now and again, thinking somehow that the day of reckoning really would never come.

"But as it always does, the day came, and the contract fell due. The debt had not been fully paid. His creditor appeared and demanded payment in full.

"Only then did he realize that his creditor not only had the power to repossess all that he owned, but the power to cast him into prison as well.

" 'I cannot pay you, for I have not the power to do so,' he confessed.

" 'Than,' said the creditor, 'we will exercise the contract, take your possessions, and you shall go to prison. You agreed to that. It was your choice. You signed the contract, and now it must be enforced.'

"'Can you not extend the time or forgive the debt?' the debtor begged. 'Arrange some way for me to keep what I have and not go to prison. Surely you believe in mercy? Will you not show mercy?'

“The creditor replied, ‘Mercy is always so one-sided. It would serve only you. If I show mercy to you, it will leave me unpaid. It is justice I demand. Do you believe in justice?’

“‘I believed in justice when I signed the contract,’ the debtor said. ‘It was on my side then, for I thought it would protect me. I did not need mercy then, nor think I should need it ever. Justice, I thought, would serve both of us equally as well.’

“‘It is justice that demands that you pay the contract or suffer the penalty,’ the creditor replied. ‘That is the law. You have agreed to it and that is the way it must be. Mercy cannot rob justice.’

“There they were: One meting out justice, the other pleading for mercy. Neither could prevail except at the expense of the other.

“‘If you do not forgive the debt there will be no mercy,’ the debtor pleaded.

“‘If I do, there will be no justice,’ was the reply.

“Both laws, it seemed, could not be served. They are two eternal ideals that appear to contradict one another. Is there no way for justice to be fully served, and mercy also?

“There is a way! The law of justice can be fully satisfied and mercy can be fully extended—but it takes someone else. And so it happened this time.

“The debtor had a friend. He came to help. He knew the debtor well. He knew him to be shortsighted. He thought him foolish to have gotten himself into such a predicament. Nevertheless, he wanted to help because he loved him. He stepped between them, faced the creditor, and made this offer.

“‘I will pay the debt if you will free the debtor from his contract so that he may keep his possessions and not go to prison.’

“As the creditor was pondering the offer, the mediator added, ‘You demanded justice. Though he cannot pay you, I will do so. You will have been justly dealt with and can ask no more. It would not be just.’

“And so the creditor agreed.

“The mediator turned then to the debtor. ‘If I pay your debt, will you accept me as your creditor?’

“‘Oh yes, yes,’ cried the debtor. ‘You save me from prison and show mercy to me.’

“‘Then,’ said the benefactor, ‘you will pay the debt to me and I will set the terms. It will not be easy, but it will be possible. I will provide a way. You need not go to prison.’

“And so it was that the creditor was paid in full. He had been justly dealt with. No contract had been broken.

“The debtor, in turn, had been extended mercy. Both laws stood fulfilled. Because there was a mediator, justice had claimed its full share, and mercy was fully satisfied” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1977, 79–80; or Ensign, May 1977, 54–55).

Our sins are our spiritual debts. Without Jesus Christ, who is our Savior and Mediator, we would all pay for our sins by suffering spiritual death. But because of Him, if we will keep His terms, which are to repent and keep His commandments, we may return to live with our Heavenly Father.

It is wonderful that Christ has provided us a way to be healed from our sins. He said:

“Behold, I have come unto the world … to save the world from sin.

“Therefore, whoso repenteth and cometh unto me as a little child, him will I receive, for of such is the kingdom of God. Behold, for such I have laid down my life, and have taken it up again; therefore repent, and come unto me ye ends of the earth, and be saved” (3 Nephi 9:21–22).

Let me add my testimony of the truthfulness of this doctrine. I have recently been working with the Family Support Group at church, and  I have found that by applying the principles I have learned in this program I have come to have a greater understanding of the grace and mercy of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and of his love for ALL of God's children - including you and including me. It is because of His great love for us that Jesus Christ chose to take upon Him our sins and suffer a horrible death in order that we might someday have eternal life. What we do to qualify for this blessing is to have faith, repent of our sins and continually choose to be obedient to God's commandments. There is nothing that you or I have done (short of denying the Holy Ghost after we have had a sure witness) for which we cannot repent and be forgiven. That is the beauty of the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. It is a marvelous and wonderful gift from a loving Heavenly Father, but we have to choose to accept it and act upon it.

You are a special child of a loving Heavenly Father. You have experienced many challenges and difficulties over your lifetime, as we all have, but I know that through the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ, all things will be made right someday - either in this life or the next. My counsel to you would be to pray with an open and sincere heart and I know that our loving Heavenly Father will answer your prayers in His own way and in His own time. As a truth seeker, listen to what your heart and your mind are telling you. I would also counsel you to be sure that the sources that you are learning from are sincere and true. The best source for learning truth, in my opinion and God's, are the scriptures. Through them truths are made manifest if we are open and seeking for them.

To Be Continued....

I Know That My Redeemer Lives

http://youtu.be/z0NoxhsH8rE

Making It Work

Along the Road (Dan Fogelberg)
http://youtu.be/ywx6CIw3RIA

    Last night my husband and I were discussing love and life, and how both have changed over the years of our marriage. Our empty nest has necessitated some renegotiating of some areas of our life together. We have been reading the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman together and discussing some of the questions at the end of the book. It has given us a great opportunity to talk about some things that we have really needed to talk about for years, but just never had time to with the busyness of life with children at home. The discussions have brought back some memories and feelings, sometimes difficult ones, about the different times and events in our life together.

    One of the things that Gary Chapman brings up in Chapter 3 of the book is the difference between the euphoric feelings of  "falling in love" and "real love" (which usually naturally shifts at about two years into a marriage relationship). He states:

"....During the in-love stage, we felt all of those emotions. It was heavenly while it lasted. Our mistake was in thinking it would last forever.
     But that obsession was not meant to last forever. In the textbook of marriage, it is but the introduction. The heart of the book is rational, volitional love. That is the kind of love to which the sages have always called us. It is intentional.
     That is good news to the married couple who have lost all of their 'in love' feelings. If love is a choice, then they have the capacity to love after the 'in love' obsession has died and they have returned to the real world. That kind of love begins with an attitude -a way of thinking. Love is the attitude that says, 'I am married to you, and I choose to look out for your interests.' Then the one who chooses to love will find appropriate ways to express that decision."

    My husband and I were both blessed with examples of stable marriages in our parent's marriages. we learned much by watching our own parent's navigate their marriages. They also went through some definite challenges in their lives and in their marriages, but they also worked through the challenges and negotiated and re-negotiated the relationship to "make it work". Giving up was simply not an option.

      Let me make it clear that I do not advocate staying in any kind of an abusive relationship or situation. It does take each individual working at it to "make it work". Some things and situations are out of one's control, but I fear that too often couples give up too soon on their relationships. As with anything in life, the real growth comes with some growing pains. Sometimes it takes sacrifice and overcoming our own selfish tendencies - putting the partnership's interest first - to make a relationship work.

   I have learned that real love, like real happiness, is a choice. We have had good times and we have had some really difficult times in our marriage. As we have recently reminisced about the various times and situations in our lives we can see where both of us have had to make a conscious decision to "make it work". As we have learned to work through our differences, we have grown individually and as a couple.  By "making it work" I have had to learn to decide what is worth fighting or worrying about, and what is simply "chaff" that can be blown away by the wind. I think that one of the things that has made our marriage work is the level of commitment that we have toward each other and toward making our marriage work - no matter what. We both take our marriage covenants seriously and know that it needs to be a priority in our lives.  It has not always been easy, but it has always been worth it.

    I think that one of the greatest challenges, for me, is in finding the balance between meeting my own needs and the needs of others - including the ones I love. I am still learning this and trying to figure it out, and I probably will be for the rest of my life - and beyond. I am very grateful that we are still both willing to try and we are still committed to "making it work". That is the real blessing.
   
Somewhere Down the Road (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/p7vP6iAX4dw

The Leader of the Band



"Any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad"

In The Living Years (Mike and the Mechanics)
http://youtu.be/4BrTFH9jmmo

     Today is Father's Day, and it has been 8 years since my father passed away. It can be a difficult day for those of us who had great fathers that have passed beyond the veil. Our thoughts are never far away from the memories of them, but especially on this day of the year.

     Yesterday I had the opportunity to attend a Youth Conference for the youth of my church. Throughout the course of the day I was able to reconnect with some friends that I had not seen in quite a while. One such friend and I took a short walk and talked a bit about our childhood. She happened to grow up in the same town that my Father was born and raised in. As a child and youth I spent quite a bit of time there, as it that was my Father's favorite vacation spot. We talked about some of the familiar sites in the town and what it was like there many years ago when both of us were young. We decided that we were probably there at many of the same holidays and times and didn't even know it! We both expressed the desire to return there someday and observe how much it had changed over the years we have been away.

    Our discussion brought to my memory the special times I was able to spend with my father there in our family's 100+ year old cabin located up the canyon from the town where he was raised. It was the one place on earth when I saw my father genuinely relaxed and content. It was home to him, I could tell. When we visited there it brought to his mind many happy memories from his childhood. He would talk about his family and the summers he would spend living up on the ranch tending the cattle and sheep, and working with his family there.

     My father's father passed away from an electrical accident when he was just shy of 10 years old. My father happened to be present when the accident took place and his mother was left a widow for the rest of her life. It was near the end of the Great Depression and it changed their lives forever.  My father's oldest brother took on the father figure role in his life because my grandfather passed away when my father was so young,. As a result, they became very close and remained so throughout his life. When my uncle passed away it was like my father losing his father all over again.

    My father and his siblings took care of his mother until she died many years later. I was a small child then and barely new her. All I really know of her was how highly my mother and aunts spoke of her and her pleasing disposition. She was a strong woman and well-loved by her children. I have one picture of her standing on the front porch of our house next to my mother, who was holding me as an infant . It was probably on the day I was given a name and a blessing at church. I also have a few letters that she wrote to my father when he served his LDS Mission (coincidentally he served in the same Mission area as my husband did, only many years earlier).

    Today I have been thinking about what it was that made my father so special. He was a gentle, tender-hearted and loving man. Generous to a fault at times. He took special care of his mother and my mother, both of whom had some serious physical challenges that they dealt with over their lifetimes. He loved them and showed that love by how he served them faithfully and unconditionally. I am blessed to have a son who seems to carry some of the same personality traits that my father had, and because of this he frequently reminds me of my dad when we are together. It is a special blessing to me.

     I have been twice blessed. There is another father with whom I have been blessed to associate in my life. He is my husband, the father of my three children. He too carries many of the great traits of my father, as well as a few that are unique to him alone. He blesses our lives as he faithfully fulfills his role as a husband and father in our home. One of the ways I knew that we were to be eternal companions was by observing the way he interacted with my father when we would visit. There was a mutual respect and love for each other that was obvious when they were together. 

     I wasn't there the day my father passed away; and that has been one of the difficult parts of his passing. However, I do believe he knew how I felt about him and our relationship. I have since reflected on the last time we were together, it was at my son's high school graduation. I was helping him pack his suitcase to return home from that trip, and I slipped a note into his suitcase for him to open when he returned home. I indicated in that note how much I loved and cared for him, and always would. I am so glad that I made the choice to write those words and put them in his suitcase that day.

     The last picture I have of us together -  me, my son and my father - was taken by a kind man who worked at the airport. My father was preparing to go through security to board his plane home and we paused to take a picture of the three of us. That man, the anonymous photographer, will never know the significance of that simple act of kindness that he did for us that day, but I will never forget it. It has meant the world to me every day since my father's passing. It seems fitting that it was a simple act of kindness that someone did for us that is the last memory I have of my father here, as that is part of the legacy that he left for me. A combination of the many small and simple acts of kindness and service that my father extended to me, and to many others whose path he crossed over his lifetime. I  hope I can continue his legacy in a like manner. Only then will I feel I have paid an adequate tribute to him, and to The One he tried to follow during his lifetime.... "My life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man, I'm just a living legacy to the leader of the band".

     "And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God." (The Book of Mormon, Mosiah 2:17)

The Leader of the Band (Dan Fogelberg)
http://youtu.be/NzpiwKNecHc

Motherhood? It Will Change Your Life.

Return to Pooh Corner (Kenny Loggins with Amy Grant)
http://youtu.be/BpXUYIOoFzM

     Spring has sprung, and with it comes the season of graduations, weddings and . . . baby showers! With my own children on the cusp of making parenthood decisions, I thought I would share an article that I came across when I was just begining to have children of my own. It was originally written in 1989 and I found it in the May 1990 Guideposts Magazine. I have kept it all of these years and re-read it many times. I still find it to be full of wisdom and truth. I share it here for those who are mothers, those who are soon-to-be mothers, and for those who are still thinking about it:

Motherhood - It Will Change Your Life

by Dale Hanson Bourke



"Time is running out for my friend. We are sitting at lunch when she casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."  What she means is that her biological clock has begun its countdown and she is considering the prospect of motherhood.

"We're taking a survey," she says, half jokingly. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say carefully.

"I know," she says. "No more sleeping in on Saturdays, no more spontaneous vacations..."

But that is not what I mean at all. I look at my friend, trying to decide what to tell her. 

I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes.  I want to tell her that the physical wounds of childbirth heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never read a newspaper again without asking "What if that had been my child?"  That every plane crash, every fire will haunt her.  That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will look at the mothers and wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think she should know that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will immediately reduce her to the primitive level.  That a slightly urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle' or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation. That the anger she will feel if that call came over a lost toy will be a joy she has never before experienced.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might successfully arrange for child care, but one day she will be waiting to go into an important business meeting, and she will think about her baby's sweet smell.  She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure he is all right.

I want my friend to know that everyday routine decisions will no longer be routine.  That a visit to McDonald's and a five year old boy's understandable desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's room will become a major dilemma.  That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that danger may be lurking in the rest room.I want her to know that however decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. 

Looking at my attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but will never feel the same about herself.  That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child.  That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not so much to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish his. I want her to know that a cesarean scar or stretch marks will become badges of honor.

My friend's relationship with her husband will change, I know, but not in the ways she thinks.  I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is always careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his son.  I think she should know that she will fall in love with her husband again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my modern friend could sense the bond she will feel with other women throughout history who have tried desperately to stop war and prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children"s future.

I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your son learn to hit a baseball.  I want to capture for her the laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog for the first time.  I want her to taste the joy that is so real that it hurts.

My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I say finally. Then I reach across the table, and squeezing my friend's hand, I offer a prayer for her and me and all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this holiest of callings."

I Am Your Child (Barry Manilow)

http://youtu.be/acpgHpFFNSY

Live Your Life

Beautiful World (Jim Brickman)

http://youtu.be/FHohxz0NhvI

     Spring is finally sprung! Hallelujah! There is just something about emerging from a long, cold, dark and lonely winter that intensifies the senses. It seems like everything is just better, brighter and more beautiful this time of year. The purple, white and yellow crocuses are emerging and showing their colors more brilliantly this Spring, or at least that's how it seems. The smell of the rain (instead of snow) seems more intense and refreshing. The songs of the birds are more joyous and lovely, and welcome. The glow of the sun, on those days when we see it, is brighter and more appreciated than I seem to remember in the past. The sweet taste of fresh strawberries and crunch of asparagus is just better in the Spring. Oh, how I have missed them!

     I had an interesting experience last night as I was listening to the local Public Radio Station on my car radio last night driving home from a meeting. The Pittsburgh Symphony was playing selections from The Nutcracker Suite by Peter I. Tchaikovsky. I love this music, but I usually associate it with Christmas. It was so wonderful to hear it played last night (and they did a magnificent job) that I just had to pause in my car in the garage and listen to the rest of the program! Somehow it was just more beautiful last night than during the Christmas rush. "Visions of  Sugar Plum Fairies dance(d) in my head" as I reminisced about the times I have seen this performed with various ballet companies. Did you know that The Nutcracker Suite was not considered a success when it was first introduced back on December 18, 1892? Now it is an "annual occasion" to attend The Nutcracker! Tchaikovsky's score has become one of his most famous and familiar compositions. Who'd have thought?  I'm sure not Tchaikovsky, who thought he'd failed. I just goes to show, you never know what can happen when you pursue your dreams!

    What a great lesson for me to learn and understand right now. I have been "hearing" over and over again in my head the words "live your life". What exactly does this mean, I wonder? I am beginning to think that it means that I need to live my life embracing the things that I love, regardless of what others around me may think, say or do. (You'd have thought that by this age I would have made this determination already, but it doesn't hurt to have reminders every now and then!)

    I am finding that I want to fill my time, my life and my mind with quality. Quality music, literature, art, and activities. Classical music seems to be much more satisfying for me. As I read good literature my mind is filled with inspiration and I am uplifted. As I view beautiful artwork by the Masters my eyes seem to open to the beauties of the world around me. I don't want to spend my time or resources on things that don't build, uplift and inspire. I want a quality life within the quantity of life I have left to live. Maybe I'm finally "growing up" and have learned to appreciate why the "Classics" are considered "classics", because they are timeless.

    One of the "issues" that I have seen going around on the internet these days is the sad, uneducated and ignorant decision by some lawmakers to eliminate some of "The Arts" education programs in the public schools due to budget restrictions. How very tragic this is and will be for future generations! The Arts is what enriches life and makes a people civilized! To eliminate this is to cut out a portion of our culture that may become extinct. Not everyone is a Math or Science scholar or an athlete. I wasn't, nor ever will be! My interests and skills simply do not lie there, and I think it is not right for a government to "legislate" to it's citizens what is "important" and what is not. It takes away from an individual's right to choose, as well as the opportunity to develop talents and gifts that are God given. What gives the government the right to legislate that? I certainly didn't vote for that when I voted for them! In fact, it makes me just angry enough that I want to go out and buy season tickets to every "Arts" venue available! (If I only had the money - sigh).

     We live in a country that gives us so many opportunities to become our best selves and it is a real tragedy when we don't take advantage of these opportunities. Maybe we are a bit spoiled, and it might take losing some of these opportunities to really appreciate having them. The sad question though is that when they are gone will we ever be able to regain them? All the more reason we must continue to fight for what we believe is right. We must make the effort to pursue the dreams and work to accomplish what we are meant to do in this life, whatever it may be.

    

Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy (P.TCHAIKOVSKY - "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" / Nutcracker - Bolshoi Ballet 2010)

http://youtu.be/Wz_f9B4pPtg

Change of Heart



Change of Heart (Jim Brickman and Olivia Newton John)
http://youtu.be/_n4rzwX_GUA

     I have had lots of time to think about my life lately because of my current life circumstances. I wonder if this might be the reason why God has placed some of the challenges in my path of late. I feel I am at a crossroad in my life. I look behind and see my life as a child and as a parent and all that went with that, and look before me and see what life might bring in the future. I see that I am at a pivotal and critical time in my life choices. I have read about this time in a woman's life and how that sometimes feelings and emotions that have often been suppressed for years tend to surface. I find that I just can't "stuff it" or shove them back underground like I have done for many years. At times it feels like I am riding an emotional roller coaster and I don't know how to get off!

     Some days are more manageable than others. For example, I recently had an experience that brought to the surface a character weakness of mine that I thought I had conquered years ago! It seems that as life cycles around and around, hopefully spiraling upward, that at some times these situations come back to haunt me and need to be re-addressed and dealt with. I find this to be especially true if it is an issue that I "stuffed" or shoved aside earlier in my life journey because for whatever reason I didn't want to deal with it then. With this particular weakness I have felt embarrassed or ashamed about it because it was not what "good girls" are supposed to feel. But I am finding that if the issues haven't been dealt with in a productive and healing way the first time around, they resurface later on at vulnerable times in my life and demand to be dealt with then. Such is the nature of my latest revelation.

   It is a hard thing to see your weakness put blatantly in front of your face, and then realize that you aren't who you thought you were or who you would like to be. It certainly isn't very flattering or positive. It is also difficult to realize I cannot "fix" this by myself because I have tried - over and over again. The habit track of reacting this way is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that I'm not even sure where to start to fix it. But "they" say that recognition is the first step to healing it, so I think I am on the right track so far. It will take some time, prayer and patience to work through this and hopefully overcome it, eventually turning it into a character strength. I believe that with God all things are possible, but I also feel like "Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief". I know it will take a leap of faith and trust in an all wise and knowing God in order to be able to turn this over to him and allow him to "fix" it. This is a hard thing for us "control freaks" to do, but I am so tired of dealing with this one that I am willing to try. It has disrupted my peace of mind and sucked the joy out of my life for the last time! It is time to "let go and let God". Time to surrender. I have to fight the urge to retain any part of it because if I do that I will never be free from it.

      So maybe this crossroad in my life journey, this point in time, really is about me after all. Maybe it's finally my turn to work some of this out and decide who I want to be and how I want to live the rest of my life. What a revelation! The trick for me will be allowing myself permission to take this time for me to figure it all out. I have taken care of everyone else but me for so long, this feels pretty selfish, scarey and overwhelming right now. I feel like a bird whose mother has just pushed her out of the nest and said fly - but without any instructions.

     Yesterday I "found" a necklace with a circular charm with the word "Greatness" engraved on it. Lying on top of the circle is another charm, a gold star. The card to which it was attached said: "The pursuit of Greatness is always daring, and calls forth our True potential. Never underestimate Your power for greatness. Wear this pendant as a symbol that greatness lives within you."  I may make some mistakes along the way, but I also know that I have to try, otherwise I will stagnate and die. Grow or die, it seems like I have heard (and said) that before. I will discover "what lies within" me and under God's watchful eye  - I will fly.

It's My Turn (Diana Ross)
http://youtu.be/veJl__sjDt4

Phoenix

"March Madness"



Unwell (Matchbox 20)

http://youtu.be/t_TL9YFemic

     Doesn't the month of March just drive you mad?! One day it can be sunny, clear and warm, and the next day it can be a blizzard! When one is already suffering from cabin fever after months of being cooped up indoors, the ups and downs of schetzophrenic weather can drive a person crazy!!! Add to this an extended cold and flu season and it can really put one over the top. Enough already!

    Spring really is just around the corner, all you have to do is hold on for a few more weeks. Soon we will be able to get out into the great outdoors again and dig in that garden or walk around the block without fear of slipping and falling. In the meantime why not try taking a "Spring Break" by enjoying a few simple things that will help to make the shortening days even shorter. Here are a few suggestions that might just put a little "spring" back into your step:

    1. Just in time for Spring cleaning, rearrange the furniture! Why not try rearranging and/or sprucing up the furniture in one of your rooms. This need not cost you a dime if you use what you already have! Start by sketching a floor plan of the room you want to change and lay it out on paper first. Get creative and rethink how you might re-purpose something that you already own. Could that old vase be used as to hold a new Spring scented candle? Could I put a floral cover or pillow case over a throw pillow to give it a new look? It's time to put away the wool blankets and bring out the pastel colored throws. Spritz a Spring floral scent around the room to bring some cheer. Open up the curtains and/or blinds and let the sunshine in! (Just try to ignore the dirty windows).

     2. Listen to those sounds of Summer! Pull out the old Beach Boys albums, turn up Sheryl Crow and "Soak Up the Sun" and blast them while you do a dance! The exercise will make you feel better.

    3. Watch a Summer movie! Lay down some beach towels on the floor and watch "Mama Mia",  "Somewhere in Time" or some other movie that emits warm memories of summers gone by and warms your heart. Have a picnic with summer foods on the living room floor, eat some berries and/or watermelon and imagine escaping into a warm Summer day.

     4. Take a Spring Break trip to the Library! There is no better escape than a good book (well, except maybe a trip to Hawaii....but that's not always possible). Go and explore what's available at the local library and you will be amazed the many "place" you can "go". Borrow a travel video to some exotic place and "take a trip". Escape to a tropical paradise from the comfort of your own home. While you are at the Library why not pick up a cookbook of recipes that are native to the travel location in the video. Try fixing some new foods and let your sense of taste travel abroad.

     5. Bring a little Spring indoors! Purchase some Spring flowers and display them strategically around your home. If you are allergic or - as in my case, your pet likes to eat them - use artificial flowers. Your eyes can't tell the difference, just your nose (and cat) can! You will be amazed how much a bouquet will brighten a room and your disposition. Think Spring - daisies, tulips, hyacinths, daffodils!

       6. Visit an indoor botanical garden! It's butterfly season and many of the indoor gardens have special exhibits that involve the hatching and emerging of butterflies. What a great way to welcome a sign of Spring! Purchase some decorations with butterflies on them and display them around your home. The butterfly represents flight, freedom, and creative thinking - all three of which we could use in a March full of madness!

         You don't have to have a lot of money to "get away" and have a "Spring Break". According to Sheryl Crow,  "it's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got" that makes the difference. So, go "soak up the sun" - while it's still free! 

Soak Up the Sun (Sheryl Crow)

http://youtu.be/_8czkKRGPVQ

Cheers!



When You Have Your Health....

Every Breath You Take (The Police)

http://youtu.be/_wsMEj2ZfW8

     "They" say that when you have your health you have everything. My recent bout with a nasty virus has caused me to ponder on this truth. It all started with some congestion in my chest and some slight wheezing. The weather was changing abruptly - again - so I just thought it was my body trying to adjust to the barometric pressure shift. Twenty-four hours later I felt like I had been hit by a truck! After many days and hours of rest, pumping Coldeze, Sambucol, Luden's Cherry Flavored cough drops and eventually some Theraflu (at night so I could finally sleep) into my system, and watching way too many hours of television, I have survived. This experience has given me a new appreciation for good health. This morning, after more than a week, I could actually take a deep breath without coughing, and I finally had a good night's sleep! Life is good!

    It has been a long time since I was this ill. I have had other health challenges within the past year or so, but this one seemed to be the one that tried my patience the most. There is definitely a mind/body connection when it comes to one's health.  There is nothing quite as unsettling as feeling like you have little control over your health and what is happening inside of your body or your mind. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to live with a chronic illness or disease every day of one's life. It must be very difficult to endure and remain positive and upbeat. I'll admit it, I am not a good sick person. In fact, one of my greatest fears is that I will lose my health, but still keep my mind and will. (I secretly hope that if I lose one I will also lose the other). To add to it, the side effects of the over-the-counter medications are worse than the illness is for me, so this is why I usually choose to take the homeopathic ones over the pharmaceutical company brands, if at all possible. 

     The past few months of health challenges have also caused me to re-evaluate the importance of taking better care of myself. I am certainly not getting any younger, and apparently not a lot healthier either. I think it is past time for me to get my act together and start doing something more about it. I just hope I am not too late to make the necessary changes for a better, healthier me. I know that I will be limited at this time in my life as to what type of exercise I will be able to do, especially considering my back/leg/knee/ankle issues. I used to bike much more frequently than I have the past few years and I always enjoyed it, but the added weight and joint issues have kept me from participating.  I could return to that but would most likely need to "graduate" to a recumbent bike due to my back and leg issues. Swimming is another healthy option. However, I am not a very good swimmer and I really dislike smelling of chlorine, not to mention how dry my skin gets and (gulp) the thought of putting a bathing suit on this out-of-shape body and being seen in public! I used to participate in a water exercise class and I really liked it, perhaps that would be a good place to start again, if my leg and knee can take the motion and jarring. If not, there is always Yoga - great exercises for the mind and body connections.

     My mother used to say that growing old was not all it was cracked up to be. "The golden years, aren't so golden". Aging is certainly not for sissys or the faint of heart. Sometimes one just has to set aside one's pride and take the plunge (no pun intended) and jump in with both feet. I have not felt as good as I could and should at this stage of my life. I haven't been as happy as I have been at times when I have taken better care of myself. I hope it is not too late to start over. It is time to start doing some research and focus on taking care of me - my body with physical exercise, my mind with learning new things, my soul. Since they are all connected perhaps if I start taking care of the one - the body - I will be better able to take care of the rest. It is also time to start accepting that I will never be as young as I was nor as old as I will be. The place to start is here, the time to start is now. 

Suddenly I See (KT Tunstall)

http://youtu.be/QrbO-Tw-mEY

(my apologies for the expletive - I didn't write it, I just used it ;-))

     

The Medium Is The Messenger

Operator, can you help me place this call? 

- Jim Croce

Hello (Neil Diamond)

http://youtu.be/K0MIKngHn_c

     The more things change, the more they stay the same. I was "chatting" online with my son (who lives 12 hours away) this morning and we were discussing his keeping in better touch with his siblings. He mentioned that it was "Hard to keep in touch when we are all spread out".  Recognizing this as a teaching moment, I decided to take advantage of it to share my thoughts with him. I mentioned how much easier it is to keep in touch in his present world than it was when I was in his situation so many years ago. When I was his age and living 2000 miles away from my family we didn't have such things as email, Skype, cell phones or texting. We had to pay exorbitant long distant phone call fees and/or write snail mail that took at least a week to get to it's destination. It was VERY hard to be so far away from my family, especially my parents. Many a family vacation was spent traveling to the West to see our family and maintain close family ties. Many Sunday evenings were spent on the telephone with my parents getting updates on my siblings. My siblings lived in the West and we were in the southern United States for many years, now we live in the Midwest. Most of my husband's family live in the West. At that time they were in different stages of their lives than we were at the time. I tried to send letters and cards for birthdays, but as my own children grew and my family responsibilities increased my priorities shifted. The distance drove us apart and we stopped communicating on a regular basis. 

     I have watched myself and my siblings struggle to maintain relationships long distance. In a time of need or crisis (like my parent's death), we are very good about staying in contact with each other. But as life settled back down and returned to some semblance of normalcy, we have drifted apart and become less connected that we were during that time of crisis. It takes effort on everyone's part to keep the lines of communication open and the relationships alive. Relationships are a two-way street. It is so easy to do the "out of sight, out of mind" thing when we don't live near to each other and see or contact each other so infrequently. Sure, we are still family and ultimately love each other, but what about being an active part of each others lives? I learned in one of my sociology courses that distance can drive us apart, and it takes an active, consistent effort by all to be able to maintain close family relationships. 

  In a phone call I received just after Christmas from my daughter, she mentioned the desire to stay in better contact with her siblings. It is also a desire of mine to see my children remain close in spite of the distances between them. Life is hard sometimes, and changes can happen quickly. We need to keep the communication ongoing, and put the effort into caring about and supporting one another. I do not want to let something that is as doable as simple communication long distance, cause us to drift apart. 

   So, one of my New Year's resolutions is to stay in better contact with my family members, and develop closer relationships with them. One of the ways I plan to do this is to make "meaningful monthly contacts" with them via Skype, email, texting, or telephoning. I want to develop a list of meaningful questions that I can ask to find out what is really going on in their lives and how they feel about things. My desire is to maintain close family relationships no matter the distance, time or space, because in the end these are the things that matter most and the things that will remain when someday I am gone.

Cat's in the Cradle (Harry Chapin)

http://youtu.be/-s5r2spPJ8g

Fix You? Fix Me!

Fix You (Coldplay)
http://youtu.be/Fuqkz_sZDos

      I had a difficult weekend. After a wonderful holiday break with three of my five children, I had just sent my youngest daughter back to college across the country. It felt like I was sending her back into a "den of lions" because of her living situation. It was hard to let her go, and I was feeling anxious, tired and vulnerable. I have to admit it was so nice to be able to be "checked out" of my real life for the three weeks of the break, and I sure wasn't expecting to get pulled back into reality in such a intense way.

     I received a text message on Saturday asking for me to do a favor for a friend. This "favor", in my opinion, meant the abdication of what I saw was their responsibility, not mine. I built in my pause, hesitating to accept the request. I felt a bit irritated by what I felt was an unreasonable request. I tried to wrap my head around how I could help, but not take on more than I felt was reasonable on my part. After a few moments I responded in a positive manner, with a caveat that I only do a portion of the task that I felt was reasonable for me to do, and adding that it would be dependent on my feeling comfortable after researching the task. Shortly thereafter I received another text removing the request for the favor altogether. At this point I was a little confused, but felt o.k. about the action. However, as events unfolded over the next 24 hours, I sensed that my friend had taken offense over something and had hurt feelings. She sent a series of messages to me indicating that she felt hurt by what had occurred. I was essentially ignorant of what was going on. I have tried to befriend this person, but felt that at this point I needed to put up some boundaries and protect myself and my family from the negativity and accusations that were being flung my direction, so I decided I had to cut off the communication.

     In addition to the above mentioned incident, I had another experience that also inflicted some pain my direction. Someone else was apparently offended by something that was supposedly done to them at my hands.  However, when the details were made clear, it became apparent what the situation actually was, how it came about, and that no offense or harm was ever intended toward the supposed victim of the offense. Hopefully, that is now cleared up and will not be "held against me" ever again. But, it too made me feel vulnerable and defensive.

    Yesterday, my daughter's first day of the new semester, she phoned with some possible solutions to the "lion's den" issue. She also shared with me how things were going that first day back at school, her anxiety and worries, fears, etc. I was already on overload from the previous few days and so I finally just sat down at my kitchen table and had a good cry! I was over tired, over wrought and anxious about what had been happening and I was unsure about how I was going to be able to withstand the issues, and be able to make my life manageable again with all of the chaos going on around me.  I wanted to quit!!  And so, I decided to say a little prayer and asked my Father in Heaven for help to know what to do. Almost immediately I felt peace and a prompting about what I need to do to be able to deal with and manage the circumstances in which I now find myself. For me, it was a miracle!!!

     Now, I am a caring person and I don't like to feel like I have caused another person pain. However, some in my sphere of consciousness don't seem to feel the same way about me, and don't seem to mind inflicting their "issues" onto me or others around me. I'm sure you know some of these people - the perpetual "victim". These "victims" think that we all need to allow them their weaknesses and idiosyncrasies at the expense of our own peace of mind and quality of life.  I have decided that at some point, I have to be able to draw the line, put up the boundaries that I need to in order to protect myself and my loved ones from the "arrows" that are pointed in our direction. I refuse to be the target any longer. I cannot "fix" them or their "issues", but I can "fix" me and decide not to let that element into my sphere of consciousness to effect me and my peace and happiness. This is a big step for me because I tend to be a "pleaser". I am learning that sometimes to be a "pleaser" means giving up pieces of yourself - your dignity, your self-esteem, your peace and your sanity by allowing another person to dictate to you how they think you should be treating them. When in reality, they need to take a good long look in the mirror and examine their own flaws and fix them themselves, not expect me or anyone else to do it for them. Believe me, I have enough flaws and challenges of my own to deal with, I do not need to fix theirs as well.

    In reality, we all have things about ourselves that we need to work on, and I'm not just talking about what people might see on the outside. Things that might be changed by dieting (a whole other issue for me - especially this time of year) or by cosmetic procedures. We all need to have a good "heart examination" and take a deep, long look inside of us. Where is our heart? Are we inflicting our "issues" or pain onto another because of one of our own weaknesses or "pet peeves"? Whose responsibility is it to "fix" us anyway? As I have learned from my own experiences, there is One to whom we can truly turn when we find ourselves facing these issues and challenges. One who truly cares and One who knows what we need and how to "fix" us. A loving Heavenly Father.

   I have started to keep a penny in a small plastic bag on my desk. Why do I do this? Because, as you will recall, the saying "In God We Trust" is engraved on the penny. This is the side that I tend to keep up and see when I look down at that penny. It serves as a reminder to me in whom I can place my trust and to whom I can look when I need help and guidance to help me with the challenges and "issues" that I face on a regular basis. Maybe this is something that might help you too. The peace of mind that is gained from doing this is priceless. What have you got to lose?  Only the cost of a penny and a glance.

  

It's a Miracle (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/bf3IBf7uL9k