Change of Heart



Change of Heart (Jim Brickman and Olivia Newton John)
http://youtu.be/_n4rzwX_GUA

     I have had lots of time to think about my life lately because of my current life circumstances. I wonder if this might be the reason why God has placed some of the challenges in my path of late. I feel I am at a crossroad in my life. I look behind and see my life as a child and as a parent and all that went with that, and look before me and see what life might bring in the future. I see that I am at a pivotal and critical time in my life choices. I have read about this time in a woman's life and how that sometimes feelings and emotions that have often been suppressed for years tend to surface. I find that I just can't "stuff it" or shove them back underground like I have done for many years. At times it feels like I am riding an emotional roller coaster and I don't know how to get off!

     Some days are more manageable than others. For example, I recently had an experience that brought to the surface a character weakness of mine that I thought I had conquered years ago! It seems that as life cycles around and around, hopefully spiraling upward, that at some times these situations come back to haunt me and need to be re-addressed and dealt with. I find this to be especially true if it is an issue that I "stuffed" or shoved aside earlier in my life journey because for whatever reason I didn't want to deal with it then. With this particular weakness I have felt embarrassed or ashamed about it because it was not what "good girls" are supposed to feel. But I am finding that if the issues haven't been dealt with in a productive and healing way the first time around, they resurface later on at vulnerable times in my life and demand to be dealt with then. Such is the nature of my latest revelation.

   It is a hard thing to see your weakness put blatantly in front of your face, and then realize that you aren't who you thought you were or who you would like to be. It certainly isn't very flattering or positive. It is also difficult to realize I cannot "fix" this by myself because I have tried - over and over again. The habit track of reacting this way is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that I'm not even sure where to start to fix it. But "they" say that recognition is the first step to healing it, so I think I am on the right track so far. It will take some time, prayer and patience to work through this and hopefully overcome it, eventually turning it into a character strength. I believe that with God all things are possible, but I also feel like "Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief". I know it will take a leap of faith and trust in an all wise and knowing God in order to be able to turn this over to him and allow him to "fix" it. This is a hard thing for us "control freaks" to do, but I am so tired of dealing with this one that I am willing to try. It has disrupted my peace of mind and sucked the joy out of my life for the last time! It is time to "let go and let God". Time to surrender. I have to fight the urge to retain any part of it because if I do that I will never be free from it.

      So maybe this crossroad in my life journey, this point in time, really is about me after all. Maybe it's finally my turn to work some of this out and decide who I want to be and how I want to live the rest of my life. What a revelation! The trick for me will be allowing myself permission to take this time for me to figure it all out. I have taken care of everyone else but me for so long, this feels pretty selfish, scarey and overwhelming right now. I feel like a bird whose mother has just pushed her out of the nest and said fly - but without any instructions.

     Yesterday I "found" a necklace with a circular charm with the word "Greatness" engraved on it. Lying on top of the circle is another charm, a gold star. The card to which it was attached said: "The pursuit of Greatness is always daring, and calls forth our True potential. Never underestimate Your power for greatness. Wear this pendant as a symbol that greatness lives within you."  I may make some mistakes along the way, but I also know that I have to try, otherwise I will stagnate and die. Grow or die, it seems like I have heard (and said) that before. I will discover "what lies within" me and under God's watchful eye  - I will fly.

It's My Turn (Diana Ross)
http://youtu.be/veJl__sjDt4

Phoenix