Reality Check: Notes from a Younger Self

Reality Check: Notes from a Younger Self

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Somewhere (Barbra Streisand/Josh Groban)
http://youtu.be/aPgqeVROE_4

I have recently been re-reading some notes and quotes I copied. They were taken from readings of wise authors over the years.  I wanted to keep them safely in one spot so as to be able to reference them when I needed to. I started keeping these notes in a spiral-bound journal that I started in December of 2000, when I was having a mid-life crisis of sorts. I was looking for meaning, joy and happiness that I did not seem to be able to find in my day to day life at that time. I started searching for some answers to the bigger questions in my life, and as a result I started reading some great books written by some very wise people. Marianne Williamson, Cheryl Richardson, Sarah Ferguson - The Duchess of York, Sarah Ban Breathnach, to name a few. One of those quotes by "wise people" turned out to be mine!

I wrote an entry titled "Reality Check". It was a list I compiled for myself to read so as to be able to face some realities in my life that I was not wanting to face and deal with. After re-reading this I think I want to share it here for my own children to read someday, when they have to face the realities of their own life. Perhaps by putting it here it will give them the courage to face their own fears and realities. Maybe they will better understand me and the way I saw things back then, too. I have changed much over the past 17 years (life has a way of doing that to you) but the wisdom is still relevant and timeless.

Reality Check

September 1, 2001

 - I'll never be 20 years old again. I'll never be 30 or 35 or 40 years old again.

- I'm never going to weigh 130 lbs again, but now I exercise to feel better and stay healthy, not just to lose weight.

 - I'm never going to be able to live by my parents again in this life. Mom's gone. Dad won't live forever (he passed away in 2005). Time to "get a life" here." It's not about where you live, but how you live.

 - It's time to start "living in the moment" and enjoying who I am, where I am, and what I have/do. "Enjoy life, this is not a dress rehearsal."

 - We are never going to have enough money to be able to do all I would like to do, so do what we can, when we can, where we can and be grateful we can!

 - I won't be (fill in the blank)  forever, so do your best now so you have no regrets when the release comes, and endure to the end.

 - Don't fear the future callings, they are in the Lord's hands. "Always follow faith and never fear".

 - My children are growing up and away. Hopefully to someday be capable, responsible adults. Enjoy them while you still can.

 - Life holds no guarantees, just miracles and blessings for those open to receive and perceive them.

 - Don't quit!

What a blessing that I wrote this down! As I look back I can see the wisdom in living these words. Maybe I would add one more...

- Life is short, buy the shoes! ;-)

Who I Was Born to Be

"You either walk inside your story and own it

or you stand outside your story and

hustle for your worthiness." 

- Brene Brown

Who I Was Born to Be (Susan Boyle w/lyrics)
http://youtu.be/mhXYHRS5aDo

       My thoughts have been wandering as I approach another birthday, and they have led me to this particular song. As a child I loved to sing. I would often stand on my front porch and watch the birds flying among the trees and try to imitate their songs, thinking I was somehow talking to them. I would stand there and sing songs. Some of these songs were familiar, but often they were of my own creation. I would sing about whatever I felt like. Music has always touched me in a special place inside of my soul, a place that feels intimately mine and very safe. Music has saved my sanity and, quite possibly, my life at times.

     I have been on a journey of self-discovery over the past few years. I have learned a lot about myself on this journey, most recently (with the help of a good therapist) the realization that I have a "highly sensitive personality". I had no idea there even was such a thing until my therapist recommended I read the book, The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron. As I read through this book, lights and bells and whistles began going off; it was one "aha' moment followed by another! It was me that she was writing about. I have always felt different than most people I have known in my life, but I never understood why. I always thought it was something wrong with me, so I have tried to change me to try to better fit in with those around me. It never worked, and I always came away feeling disappointed, lost and inadequate. As it turns out, I have a minority personality type (only about 20% of the population manifest this type of personality). No wonder I have always felt different and like I didn't belong in this world!

     Upon further exploration, I have also connected the dots with Brene Brown's, Power of Vulnerability, and Carol Tuttle's, Type 2 - soft, subtle energy profile (more on this in later blogs) I am beginning to see myself so much more clearly now - what motivates me, what cripples me and where and why I need to set clear and definite boundaries. I am still the same person I have always been, but now I am finally understanding why I am the way I am, and that it is o.k. to be that way - that is "who I am was born to be". I may not have found all of the answers, but at least I now know more than I ever have and I feel very liberated. I understand that I truly am not like everyone else, and that it is o.k. not to be. I am enough and I am okay just the way I am. I am who Heavenly Father made me to be. He created me this way, and I am trying my best to fulfill the measure of that creation to the best of my ability. I have always understood that not everyone will always like me or understand why I do what I do, but I have gifts that this world is in desperate need of, such as a large capacity to love, kindness, gentleness, patience, empathy, and peacefulness. I have also learned that this personality trait runs in families (much like "the force" in Star Wars). My father had it (I suspect his mother had it), my daughter has it (and my son too, I believe, though it tends to be harder for guys to manifest because of the world's view of masculinity). It is not something of which to be ashamed, it is something to be embraced and celebrated!

    I feel like I am finally coming out of a very dark place. For so long I felt like Winnie the Pooh with that little black rain cloud always following me (or maybe more like Eeyore "thanks for noticing me").  I feel empowered and more confident because I now know who I am and who I am meant to be, and that it is good, in fact, great to be that person! I truly am unique (something I have always wanted to be). I am special. I am me...and I am enough.

"Because true belonging only happens 

when we present our authentic, 

imperfect selves to the world.

Our sense of belonging 

can never be greater 

than our level of self-acceptance." 

- Brene Brown, The Gift of Imperfection

I Love You Just the Way You Are (Billy Joel)
http://youtu.be/vBZnGk1nAjw

Things Take Time

"There are two types of pain, one that hurts you and the other that changes you" - Unknown

Beautiful Heartbreak - Hilary Weeks - Every Step: http://youtu.be/xyX-I-um5Kk

I have finally returned to writing again, after a very difficult year.  My life journey over this past year has been one of trials, tears, fears, anxiety,  disappointments, heartache, loss, great joy and unexpected miracles. In short, it has been quite a roller coaster ride!  Extreme highs and extreme lows. Agony and ecstasy.  I feel I have lived through an entire lifetime in a year - at least I have experienced enough in one year to last a lifetime. I didn't know one person could go through so much turmoil in such a short period of time and still survive!

I have also learned the value of the phrase "things take time". Perhaps this is God's way of teaching and testing my patience. Certainly, it has tried it. I have had experiences over the past year that I never expected to ever have to go through in my lifetime. As I look back, I don't know why I never thought they would happen to me and my loved ones. I guess I lived in a type of a bubble, expecting only good things to happen in life, and not the bad. The "happily ever after" syndrome.  Pretty unrealistic. But, in spite of that fact, some of what could have turned out to be really bad turned out to be really good - even miraculous!

I have learned a lot about trusting God and His plan for me and my family over the last year. His plans are not always my plans. I have also learned  alot about God's plans for families, and that it is much bigger and much broader than I ever imagined! I have also learned that God strengthens us through difficulties and "saves" us in unexpected, but glorious ways. He compensates us for our losses. He carries us when we no longer have the strength to carry on. Truly, His grace IS amazing, and sufficient.

I have learned that I was capable of doing some really hard things. I learned how very much I love my family. I have learned that we can get through difficult times much better working together and supporting each other, than we could ever do alone. I have learned that God put this family together for a reason; that when we pull together and love and support each other, no matter what, God helps us get through the rough parts of life.

I would never want to relive this year again-ever. It has truly been "the worst of times and the best if times". But, I have learned this great lesson that, "if God brings you to it, He will lead you through it". We are NEVER alone in our trials in this life journey. We have a Father in Heaven who cares and is always there to hear, help and heal us; and He will make everything right -  if not today, then someday.

Jim Brickman: Amazing Grace: http://youtu.be/9mj_kO7LIFY

I Haven't Got Time for the Pain

Don't think. Feel (Neil Diamond)
http://youtu.be/6QVmhdXnhlE

Lots of people think that it is wrong to cry when you are afraid, hurt or sad, or even when you are full of joy. Others frown on those whose laughter fills the room when they are experiencing great joy. I'm here to tell you that I believe that to be a "profoundly dangerous" myth.

I ran across a video clip the other day that resonated with me. It's message - The Power of Vulnerability - has now come into my sphere of consciousness several time over the past few weeks. I think it's trying to tell me something. (Here is the clip for those who want to view it: The Power of Vulnerability (Dr. Brene Brown)
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html).

Over the past few years of my life I have come to better understand this "power of vulnerability". One of the symptoms that all was not right in my world was my inability to really feel deeply. At some of the most emotional and meaningful moments of my life all I felt was numb and disconnected.  I felt that I was simply going through the motions of life and getting through what needed to be done. The reality of this fact really hit me at significant events in which I knew I didn't feel the way I was supposed to feel. Over the process of time and understanding, I have come to realize that I had shut down my emotions and feelings.  I had felt such great pain and sorrow, that I became afraid to feel anything at all. I have found that in trying to "guard and protect my heart" from pain, I am also protecting it from feeling peace, love and joy.  Life is meant to be lived and felt.

Frankly, the past few years of my life have been quite the roller coaster ride of emotions. I became overloaded and therefore, I became afraid to feel anything anymore - good or bad. I did not want to be vulnerable to any more pain, but as a result I was also not able to feel much joy or happiness. I think that one reason I shut down emotionally was because I hadn't had enough time to, nor did I completely know how to, process one life-altering event before another one came along. I felt like a sinking swimmer desperately trying to come up for air and getting hit with another wave. Wave, upon wave - and I was barely breathing.

As hard as the past year has been for me it has also been a relief for me to finally have had enough down time to be able to process a lot of what has happened in my life over these past years. It has been a year of healing both physically and emotionally. Due to my physical health and other circumstances, I have been forced to deal with things that I would really rather not have ever had to deal with.  It has been sad, and sometimes quite painful in spite of my best efforts to avoid it.  I have come to realize how much I missed out on feeling because I would not allow myself to be vulnerable. I have also come to realize that vulnerability is what makes us human, it is what makes life worth living. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of humanness!

So, now I am finding that when I am in a situation in which I think I should be feeling a certain way - either joy or sorrow - and I am not feeling that way that there is something very wrong. I think that as I continue to explore understand this power of vulnerability, I am healing some of the underlying wounds and lighting up some of the darker places in my life. I am finding that in the long run it is much better to allow myself to feel what I need to feel than to suppress it, because these feelings inevitably come back later- stronger and more persistently.  I understand that being vulnerable will mean feeling more pain in my life, and I need to prepare myself for that possibility. But, it also opens up the possibility of feeling great peace, joy and happiness that has too long been absent from my life - and has been sorely missed. Life comes up short when the journey seems long.

I Haven't Got Time for the Pain (Carly Simon)
http://youtu.be/E3_l5Ss203I

What a Difference a Day Makes!

"So tell that someone you love

just what you're thinking of

if tomorrow never comes"

If Tomorrow Never Comes (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/b2AAsqcJPkI

I have had a couple of experiences of the past few weeks that have, once again, reinforced the importance of expressing how we feel about someone special in our lives to them, while we still have the opportunity to do so. Everything can change overnight. One night I went to bed and all was well, the next morning I checked my Facebook and discovered that life had changed overnight.

Just over a week ago I had the opportunity to spend a few precious hours with my brother-in-law, Keith, as he was staying in a hotel not too far from where I live. We live about 1600 miles apart, and so we don't get to see other very often. He happened to be on a tour that stopped overnight in a town that was about two hours south of where I live. On a whim, he texted me and suggested that we get together for a visit, since he was staying so close by. I decided it would be a great idea so I ventured the four hours round trip to have a visit. We shared a joke or two, discussed our family members and what was going on in our respective lives, and generally had a really nice visit. He called his wife, my sister, on his phone and we surprised her with a conversation from me, her sister. We enjoyed the visit (which, of course, was too short) and then I headed out for the two hour trip north to home. I arrived about 1:30 a.m. Tired, but safe and satisfied that I had gotten to spend some time with my great brother-in-law. Who would have thought.....

A week later I woke up in the morning and glanced at my Facebook feed to find that my niece, his daughter, had posted a comment that this same brother-in-law had been in a serious motorcycle/car accident and that he was in critical condition at their local hospital. I was shocked. He was unconscious and sedated so that the medical team could stabilize his vital signs. I could hardly believe what I was reading. I immediately said a quick prayer and began to try to get to the bottom of the situation. Another niece, also his daughter, finally phoned me and told me that their phone batteries had died during the time spent in the hospital and that my sister would call me as soon as she could. I was grateful for the preparatory phone call so that I could, again, say another quick prayer and ask for help to know what to say or do to help from such a long distance away. I felt so helpless. After talking with both my niece and my sister I felt somewhat better, but I was still very much concerned for what they were all having to deal with, as well as for the life of my dear brother-in-law.

Their life has been turned upside down since then. My sister says that it has only been a few days, but it feels like it has been months. She misses him. We all do. He is one of those individuals that lights up a room just by being in it - and not just because of his stature ;-). He is kind, caring and thoughtful, generous, supportive, intelligent, and has a great sense of humor. He is also spiritual and has touched many lives with his insights and understanding heart (as is evident from the many Facebook comments and postings in which his friends and family have expressed their love and appreciation for him). He is a rock that many of us lean on for strength and support. He has had a great impact on my own life, both as a brother-in-law and as a friend. We share family history, and family ties that will never be broken. He is the kind of brother-in-law that everyone wishes they had. Just before we parted the last time I saw him, he said how glad he was to be a part of our family. I feel the same way - how glad and grateful I am that he is a part of our family. (Well done, sister dear).

Another thing that I appreciate about Keith is the fact that we are both Barry Manilow "fanilows". We also talked about that when we visited, since Mr Manilow was to do a concert in his home town the following weekend. We shared some thoughts on Barry and he suggested I put my greatest hits CD in my player for the drive home - which I did and it kept me awake as I sang along with Barry. When I was younger I was often teased because of my "appreciation" for Barry Manilow, so it is really fun to have that connection with my brother-in-law. It says a lot about him in my opinion, because those of us that are "Fanilows" stick together. Truly, "It's a Miracle" that he is still alive. A gift from God that he got for his birthday this year, even though he spent it unconscious in the hospital.  I know he has a long and difficult recovery road ahead of him, but I also know that if anyone can "(Make) it Through the Rain", he can. So Keith, I love you my brother from another mother.  Here's to a speedy recovery!

This One's For You (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/QPfjxb35ZDc

Conviction of the Heart

Where are the dreams that we once had?

This is the time to bring them back.

What were the promises 

caught on the tips of our tongues?

Do we forget or forgive?

There's a whole other life

waiting to live.

One day we're brave enough

to talk with conviction of the heart.

Down your streets I've walked alone,

As if my feet were not my own.

Such is the path I chose,

doors I have opened and closed.

I'm tired of living this lie,

fooling myself, believing we're right 

when I've never given love

with any conviction of the heart.

One with the earth, 

with the sky, 

one with everything in life.

I believe we'll survive if we only try. 

How long must we all wait to change

the world bound in chains that we live in?

To know what it is to forgive 

and be forgiven.

Too many years of taking now

 isn't it time to stop somehow?

Air that's too angry to breathe. 

Water our children can drink

You've heard it hundreds of times.

You say you're aware, 

believe, and you care.

Do you care enough?

Where's your conviction of the heart?

One with the earth, 

with the sky, 

one with everything in life.

I believe it will start 

with conviction of the heart.

One earth, one sky

only one world

only one chance for

one life

When will we live?

Only one earth,

only one sky,

only one shot!

We've only got one chance to give it

One life

Believe

It's only gonna start 

when we believe with some 

conviction of the heart! 

Conviction of the Heart (Kenny Loggins - It's awesome!)
http://youtu.be/rQZbB5CUXFI

     I have recently had some experiences that have caused me to pause and take look deep into my heart, and review what I really believe and what I really feel about some things in my life. I neither sought nor necessarily desired to have these experiences come into my sphere of consciousness and awareness, but they came none the less.  Although I would rather not have had to address them, I believe it was necessary for my personal growth and character development, and to be able to move forward with conviction in my life. By facing these experiences I have come to better understand and solidify parts of my character and my life of which perhaps I was still a little unsure and uncertain. I have pondered, prayed, analyzed (and re-analyzed) and read as I searched for answers as to why they came into my life at this time and what I am to do about them.

     Today I had a breakthrough, and have come to better understand why they were put in my path and what I was to do about them. It is all part of my healing and growing process. One experience strengthened my "conviction of the heart" as I shared with an individual how I felt about things that are near and dear to my heart; things that it has taken me a lifetime to come to understand. The other experience strengthened my commitment to maintain choices that I had made many, many years ago in my life. It was not comfortable having to think about these things and having to re-assess them in my life, but it was very necessary in order for me to move forward with full "conviction of the heart" regarding them. I have solidified my feelings about them, and now I can move forward with a full understanding and with a full "conviction of heart" - and to be able to do so makes me feel good for the first time in a very long time.

For The First Time (Kenny Loggins)
http://youtu.be/lwFRB7sC7P4

Making It Work

Along the Road (Dan Fogelberg)
http://youtu.be/ywx6CIw3RIA

    Last night my husband and I were discussing love and life, and how both have changed over the years of our marriage. Our empty nest has necessitated some renegotiating of some areas of our life together. We have been reading the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman together and discussing some of the questions at the end of the book. It has given us a great opportunity to talk about some things that we have really needed to talk about for years, but just never had time to with the busyness of life with children at home. The discussions have brought back some memories and feelings, sometimes difficult ones, about the different times and events in our life together.

    One of the things that Gary Chapman brings up in Chapter 3 of the book is the difference between the euphoric feelings of  "falling in love" and "real love" (which usually naturally shifts at about two years into a marriage relationship). He states:

"....During the in-love stage, we felt all of those emotions. It was heavenly while it lasted. Our mistake was in thinking it would last forever.
     But that obsession was not meant to last forever. In the textbook of marriage, it is but the introduction. The heart of the book is rational, volitional love. That is the kind of love to which the sages have always called us. It is intentional.
     That is good news to the married couple who have lost all of their 'in love' feelings. If love is a choice, then they have the capacity to love after the 'in love' obsession has died and they have returned to the real world. That kind of love begins with an attitude -a way of thinking. Love is the attitude that says, 'I am married to you, and I choose to look out for your interests.' Then the one who chooses to love will find appropriate ways to express that decision."

    My husband and I were both blessed with examples of stable marriages in our parent's marriages. we learned much by watching our own parent's navigate their marriages. They also went through some definite challenges in their lives and in their marriages, but they also worked through the challenges and negotiated and re-negotiated the relationship to "make it work". Giving up was simply not an option.

      Let me make it clear that I do not advocate staying in any kind of an abusive relationship or situation. It does take each individual working at it to "make it work". Some things and situations are out of one's control, but I fear that too often couples give up too soon on their relationships. As with anything in life, the real growth comes with some growing pains. Sometimes it takes sacrifice and overcoming our own selfish tendencies - putting the partnership's interest first - to make a relationship work.

   I have learned that real love, like real happiness, is a choice. We have had good times and we have had some really difficult times in our marriage. As we have recently reminisced about the various times and situations in our lives we can see where both of us have had to make a conscious decision to "make it work". As we have learned to work through our differences, we have grown individually and as a couple.  By "making it work" I have had to learn to decide what is worth fighting or worrying about, and what is simply "chaff" that can be blown away by the wind. I think that one of the things that has made our marriage work is the level of commitment that we have toward each other and toward making our marriage work - no matter what. We both take our marriage covenants seriously and know that it needs to be a priority in our lives.  It has not always been easy, but it has always been worth it.

    I think that one of the greatest challenges, for me, is in finding the balance between meeting my own needs and the needs of others - including the ones I love. I am still learning this and trying to figure it out, and I probably will be for the rest of my life - and beyond. I am very grateful that we are still both willing to try and we are still committed to "making it work". That is the real blessing.
   
Somewhere Down the Road (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/p7vP6iAX4dw

"Mixed Blessings"





Blessings (Laura Story)

http://youtu.be/GMeFzFUbmJo

     Yesterday I was driving to my yoga class and I heard this song for the first time on my car radio. It was such a powerful experience that it felt like time just stopped, and I was transported to a space in time that was limitless and yet all encompassing. It is hard to explain, but I knew that hearing this song at that exact moment in time was no coincidence. It was a spiritual moment meant for me, then and there. It was the message from God that I needed to hear. It was a tender mercy to me in a time of great need. I think the thing that gave it the greatest impact was the feelings that it invoked in me; feelings of complete understanding, hope and love.

      We are all fighting battles within our souls, every day, in our own way. It is the nature of the mortal life we live, especially in these days of trial and troubles on every side. President Ezra Taft Benson said this:

"Great battles can make great heroes and heroines. We will never have a better opportunity to be valiant in a more crucial cause than in the battle we face today and in the immediate future. Some of the greatest battles we will face will be fought within the silent chambers of our own souls." ("In His Steps" Ensign, Sept. 1988).

     I find a great reassurance and understanding in this quote by Elde Quentin R. Cook. "We know from the scriptures that some trials are for our good and are suited for our own personal development" ("Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard TIme" Ensign, October 2008).  We experience pain and heartache that are "tailor maid" for us. It is by experiencing these challenges that will ultimately sanctify us and purify us. The intent of these trials and tests is to help us to become who our Father in Heaven intended us to be. This is hard to see when one is in the midst of them though because growing pains are exactly that - painful!

   Elder Orson F. Whitney shared: "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, build[s] up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable ...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire." (Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, Deseret Book, 19785, 98).

   Perhaps I needed to be reminded of this truth yesterday and that is why this song had such an impact on me. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in the battle. That is perhaps the most important thing to remember when experiencing the fight. We continue to pray for relief, knowing that we are not alone in our battle. Maybe we should be grateful to know we are growing , and that God has enough confidence in us to make it.

"What if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights

   are what it takes to know Your near?

What if trials in this life are Your mercies in disquise? ....

We know that pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our Home....

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops,

what if your healing comes through tears.

What if a thousand sleepless nights

   are what it take to know your near.

What if my greatest disappointments

or the aching of this life

is the revealing of a "greater thirst" this world can't satisfy.

What if trials of this life - the rain, the storms, the hardest nights

are your mercies in disguise"

Laura Story - "Blessings" - The story behind the song

http://youtu.be/gjB2skJi2co

Change of Heart



Change of Heart (Jim Brickman and Olivia Newton John)
http://youtu.be/_n4rzwX_GUA

     I have had lots of time to think about my life lately because of my current life circumstances. I wonder if this might be the reason why God has placed some of the challenges in my path of late. I feel I am at a crossroad in my life. I look behind and see my life as a child and as a parent and all that went with that, and look before me and see what life might bring in the future. I see that I am at a pivotal and critical time in my life choices. I have read about this time in a woman's life and how that sometimes feelings and emotions that have often been suppressed for years tend to surface. I find that I just can't "stuff it" or shove them back underground like I have done for many years. At times it feels like I am riding an emotional roller coaster and I don't know how to get off!

     Some days are more manageable than others. For example, I recently had an experience that brought to the surface a character weakness of mine that I thought I had conquered years ago! It seems that as life cycles around and around, hopefully spiraling upward, that at some times these situations come back to haunt me and need to be re-addressed and dealt with. I find this to be especially true if it is an issue that I "stuffed" or shoved aside earlier in my life journey because for whatever reason I didn't want to deal with it then. With this particular weakness I have felt embarrassed or ashamed about it because it was not what "good girls" are supposed to feel. But I am finding that if the issues haven't been dealt with in a productive and healing way the first time around, they resurface later on at vulnerable times in my life and demand to be dealt with then. Such is the nature of my latest revelation.

   It is a hard thing to see your weakness put blatantly in front of your face, and then realize that you aren't who you thought you were or who you would like to be. It certainly isn't very flattering or positive. It is also difficult to realize I cannot "fix" this by myself because I have tried - over and over again. The habit track of reacting this way is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that I'm not even sure where to start to fix it. But "they" say that recognition is the first step to healing it, so I think I am on the right track so far. It will take some time, prayer and patience to work through this and hopefully overcome it, eventually turning it into a character strength. I believe that with God all things are possible, but I also feel like "Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief". I know it will take a leap of faith and trust in an all wise and knowing God in order to be able to turn this over to him and allow him to "fix" it. This is a hard thing for us "control freaks" to do, but I am so tired of dealing with this one that I am willing to try. It has disrupted my peace of mind and sucked the joy out of my life for the last time! It is time to "let go and let God". Time to surrender. I have to fight the urge to retain any part of it because if I do that I will never be free from it.

      So maybe this crossroad in my life journey, this point in time, really is about me after all. Maybe it's finally my turn to work some of this out and decide who I want to be and how I want to live the rest of my life. What a revelation! The trick for me will be allowing myself permission to take this time for me to figure it all out. I have taken care of everyone else but me for so long, this feels pretty selfish, scarey and overwhelming right now. I feel like a bird whose mother has just pushed her out of the nest and said fly - but without any instructions.

     Yesterday I "found" a necklace with a circular charm with the word "Greatness" engraved on it. Lying on top of the circle is another charm, a gold star. The card to which it was attached said: "The pursuit of Greatness is always daring, and calls forth our True potential. Never underestimate Your power for greatness. Wear this pendant as a symbol that greatness lives within you."  I may make some mistakes along the way, but I also know that I have to try, otherwise I will stagnate and die. Grow or die, it seems like I have heard (and said) that before. I will discover "what lies within" me and under God's watchful eye  - I will fly.

It's My Turn (Diana Ross)
http://youtu.be/veJl__sjDt4

Phoenix

An Examined Life

"An unexamined life is not worth living"
- Socrates

February Song (Josh Groban)

http://youtu.be/qEKrPID-PeI

    I have a ritual that I have been doing since February 2006. There is something about losing one's parents that brings to the forefront the reality of ones mortality. So, in February 2006, I decided that I needed to write my autobiography. I think this was a response, in part, to the fact that I had just lost my last parent and I was trying to make some sense of my life. Now every February, usually around my birthday, I try to update this autobiography with details of the previous year. 

    Another factor that contributed to my decision to doing this autobiography, was the fact that neither of my parents left much of a personal history for me and my siblings, nor therefore, our posterity. My parents were wonderful people, real people. They had their share (well, maybe more than their share) of sorrow and challenges, as well as joy and happiness. They lived rich, full lives and I felt like my children would never have the opportunity to really know them or about them unless I did something about it. These feelings later led to my organizing and writing each of their biographies for our family members. That was no small task. I had to put together their stories from bits and pieces of materials and information they left behind. I did my best to put the pieces of their lives together, but it would have been SO much easier if they had either done it themselves or allowed one of us to help them do it while they were still living. There were so many questions I would have liked to be able to ask them about certain events, places and people in their lives. Some questions still remain and will forever remain unanswered. 

     As part of my motivation to write this year I decided to dig into some old photographs of myself and my family. These photos have been sitting in a box in my closet for about thirteen years. I was determined I was going to make a dent in sorting through them and organizing them into some kind of an album or scrap book. My intentions were really noble, but the reality proved to be something much different. We are not the best at taking pictures of events throughout the year, but we are really good at taking pictures on birthdays and at Christmas time. Therefore, a lot of the pictures I started working through were of Christmases past. As I began looking at them I was quite shocked at what came to my attention.  When I looked at the pictures of the Christmas just prior to my mother's death in 2000, and the pictures of the Christmas in 2005, just after my father's death, the contrast of the look on my face and my demeanor between the two photos was so stark and so contrasting that it took my breath away. The look of grief on my face was obvious, and I felt that old familiar lump begin to rise in my throat. I simply could not, at that time, continue to sort through the photos. I had to put them aside for another day and another time.

      This experience has caused me to stop and think about who I was then and who I am now, and about the journey that has led me to this place. I saw the innocence and the joy on my face as I had opened a special gift from my mother that Christmas of 2000, before she died. It was a clock like "barometer of my husband's moods" that had hung on her wall ever since I could remember. On our trip to their home earlier that year I had expressed my desire to have that item when she died, and she had decided to gift it to me for that Christmas. Did she somehow know what would happen to her in just a few months? Needless to say, it is one of my most precious possessions. Fast forward 5 years to the Christmas following my father's death. He had died about a month earlier and the look of heavy grief and anguish was written all over my face. 

     Much has happened in our family since those Christmases of not-so-long ago. Time has moved on amazingly fast, and we with it. Children have grown up and moved on, and our family has grown larger with the addition of two in-laws. We have had much to celebrate over the past few years. Still, as I approach each February I always get that tug at my heart to revisit my life story and examine my life over the past year. It just seems to help me to get a perspective and to realize my blessings and just how important it is to not take anything for grandid; and to chose to live my life fully and mindfully. Sometimes I get fearful and restless, wondering what is next along my path. I get fearful of the future and what challenges might or do lie ahead. Restless about what new adventure is just around the bend. But when I look back, I am always thankful for the blessing of having lived one more year, one more day. My hope is that someday when my children look at my life story they will see someone of whom they can be proud to call theirs, someone who met her challenges with grace, dignity, courage and faith and trust in God. 

This One's For You (A song Barry Manilow wrote for his deceased grandfather, who started him on his journey to becoming a musical legend.)

 http://youtu.be/wLeNzA1OIcM

The Gift I Gave Myself

“Life is God's gift to man,

what we do with that life is our gift to God.”

Simple Gifts (Jim Brickman)
http://youtu.be/VyfNVVou878

     I recently ran across this writing I did almost 12 years go. I had "hit the wall" and knew that something in my life needed to change because what I was doing wasn't working well. It was the beginning of a long and arduous journey to a more abundant life.  This year has been one with many challenges but also many blessings, especially my working with the Family Support Group. This experience has been such a great blessing to my life and has been one of the most significant steps I have taken along . . .

My Path to Simple Abundance

December 25, 2000

What am I doing with my life? What are the aspirations of my heart my dreams, wishes, desires. So long I've put them on the shelf, tabled to a time later in my life a less hectic time, a calmer time, a time of fewer demands. In doing so I have found I spend so much time rushing from here to there, for this or that, that my life is empty – void of the dreams, wishes and desires that make life worth living.  I am in search of the peace, comfort and joy I know is out there somewhere ever elusive. The Scriptures tell us that “man is that he might have joy” (2 Nephi 2:25) and ”I am come that they might have joy, and that they might have it more abundantly” (John 10:10). This is the gift I have received this Christmas -- this and the book Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach, from my friend, Sheila.

                As I ponder my dreams and aspirations a few things come to my mind:

     *To find daily peace and satisfaction in what I am doing right now, at this moment in my life.

     *To not feel the need to please everyone more than or instead of myself.

     *To feel and be happy and not be afraid to share those feelings with those around me.

     *To not worry about what others say, think or do -- or how it might affect me.

     *To freely give of my time, talents, and means without feeling worried or concerned or put out by doing so.

     *To be able to say no to things I don't really want to do or have time to do, and not feel guilty for doing so.

     *To feel joy and satisfaction in loving and serving my family and friends.

     *To appreciate and feel appreciated.

     *To use and share my creative abilities and talents. 

     *To begin or restart a long-shelved hobby or talent.

     *To not fear but have enough faith and trust in God and myself to know that “everything will work together for good”.

     *To see the good, feel good, be good -- in spite of what goes on around me.

     *To love deeply and totally, without reservation.

     *To relax and enjoy the ride of life more.

     *God has given me so much; to be able to share more freely what He has given me.

     *To some day return to school and pursue that elusive bachelor’s degree.

     *To put into practice, the gospel of Jesus Christ, and see that it does work and it does bring abundance and happiness.

     *To learn how to handle the stresses of my life -- to control them, not let them control me.

     *To discover a new talent I have, but I didn't know I had.

     *To be aware of the needs of my children, my husband, and how to meet those needs to the best of my ability and feel good about doing it.

     *To have sufficient for our needs so I don't have to worry about money, especially in November and December.

     *To be better organized -- especially on my desk and the clutter in the dining room.

     *To feel more in control of my life and my emotions.  Take better care of myself physically and emotionally and mentally.

     *Learn how to meditate and relax.

     *Be more patient with myself and others.

     *To be the daughter of God I am meant to be.

      *To feel the Christmas spirit before December 25.

          This is the start of my path to simple abundance, this is where I begin.

     While I don't feel like I am completely "there" yet, as I read this I am amazed at what remarkable progress I feel I have made along this path. I am so thankful that I took the time to clarify my thoughts and to write them down for my future reference. "A goal unwritten is merely a wish", and it brings a deep sense of satisfaction to see the progress I have made along my path. Reviewing this list also helps to clarify where I still need to do some work. I think that this year I will repeat this exercise and write down some new dreams and aspirations to work toward, since I can now cross some of these items off of the list. As Socrates once said, "An unexamined life is not worth living", and I couldn't agree more. With God, nothing is impossible, so I will put my hand in His and together we will move onward and upward.

Put Your Hand In the Hand

 http://youtu.be/hxh_EDrL_uE

Amazing Grace



Lord of the Rings Medley (The Piano Guys)

http://youtu.be/FZNqs0YgWkM

       I really appreciate this musical tribute to Lord of the Rings by the Piano Guys. It shows all of the sides of the trilogy; the good, the bad and the ugly. It is a good analogy for life. It begins so innocent and beautiful, then somewhere in the middle it gets dark and scary and downright hard. Then, after the dark and scary times pass, or we come to understand how to navigate these parts, it can once again become beautiful and even magnificent. It also shows that order can come after the chaos and that brings beauty into life.

      I was having a discussion with some friends yesterday about dealing with some difficult life experiences. We talked about how when we were in the midst of the dark, hard and scary times of our lifes we would plead for relief. When it didn't seem to come immediately we would sometimes misunderstand why the relief that we so longed for and desired seemed not to come. Everyone has these times in their lives, it is part of the mortal experience. I have found that it is during these times that we grow the most. We have two choices during these times: one, we can become bitter and angry and resentful; or two, we can turn to God for his grace to help us through the challenges.

    There is a lot of confusion about the definition of grace among different religious sects, but I really like and appreciate this definition:

Grace 

     A word that occurs frequently in the New Testament, especially in the writings of Paul. The main idea of the word is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ.

     It is through the grace of the Lord Jesus, made possible by his atoning sacrifice, that mankind will be raised in immortality, every person receiving his body from the grave in a condition of everlasting life. It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts.

     Divine grace is needed by every soul in consequence of the fall of Adam and also because of man’s weaknesses and shortcomings. However, grace cannot suffice without total effort on the part of the recipient. Hence the explanation, “It is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do” (Book of Mormon, 2 Ne. 25:23). It is truly the grace of Jesus Christ that makes salvation possible. (Holy Bible, King James Version, LDS Edition, Dictionary: Grace).

    Admittedly, I have dealt with some of my challenges the first way - with bitterness, anger and resentment. All this has done for me was make me much more miserable in my misery, and that obviously wasn't working for me. What I am trying harder to do now is to "create order out of the chaos" and turn to God for his grace and mercy to help me handle the challenges I am now experiencing. God knows the beginning from the ending, He knows what I am experiencing and He knows how to succor me and help me through them. My role is to do the best I can with what I have and what I know, and then turn the rest over to Him. As I humble myself, keep an open heart, trust in and rely on Him and His plan for me and my life, I find I am much better able to navigate through the dark and scary hard times. It doesn't mean that these hard times necessarily go away or won't return in one form or another, but it does mean that with God's help I am better able to see the beauty in life and live each day and each moment to the best of my ability, knowing that God will make up the difference - either in this life or the next one.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

enjoying one moment at a time;

accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;

trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.

Amazing Grace (Jim Brickman featuring Ginny Owens)

http://youtu.be/qqKV09_CdI8

    

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother



 "And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order;

 for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.

And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent,

that thereby he might win the prize;

therefore, all things must be done in order.

Mosiah 4:27



He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother (sung by Neil Diamond)

http://youtu.be/usZtSl8mX08

    I am currently at home recuperating from my recent aforementioned knee/leg surgery. The procedure was done about 11 days ago at our community hospital. I had to have some repair work done to the meniscus in my right knee, and I also had to have a walnut-sized cyst removed from the top of my tibia bone and filled in with some cadaver bone. The procedure went well, except for the fact that I react adversely to Demerol. Demerol is usually injected into individuals who are coming out of anesthesia to prevent the shakes, which can and does happen due to the shock to your body that has just undergone major surgery. Yes, I did wake up to a bad case of the shakes in the recovery room. The nurses surrounded me with heated blankets from head to toe and with that with a combination of other drugs, I was able to recover quite well.

   My husband has been by my side faithfully during my surgery and over this recovery period. He has been so kind to take care of me and literally wait on me hand and foot, as there is little one can do with two crutches in one's hand and a lame leg. I am so thankful for him and his loving kindness to me over these past few days. He has not complained or lost patience with me once, which I find to be truly amazing! He has served me with love and devotion, and words seem inadequate to express my deep level of love and appreciation for him and all that he has done to take care of me and see that my needs are met.

    Throughout all of this I have been thinking quite a bit about my mother and her lifetime of health challenges.  My mother suffered from a Rheumatic heart condition and endured 5 open-heart surgeries over her lifetime. Her first heart surgery was to install a pacemaker in her heart. I was three years old at the time and really don't remember any of the details of the event except that fact that I was left to spend what felt like endless days at my friend and neighbor's house across the street. My two siblings had been flown off to stay with an aunt and uncle, but my parents felt that I was too young to be sent that far away. It was originally intended that I would spend the time staying at a local day care center run by a woman in our church, but that was very short lived as I would not be comforted and cried most of my time I was there. The next alternative was to send me across the street to stay with my friend and neighbor. I would play at their house on a frequent basis, and I felt much more comfortable staying there with them. I can still remember standing in their living room looking out the large picture windows that connected the corner of their house, anxiously waiting for my father's car to turn the corner and drive into our driveway across the street.

     Four more open-heart operations were performed on my mother, some were valve replacement procedures and others were for repair work on what was already in place in her heart. I cannot imagine the depth of fear and anguish she must have felt before each one of her surgeries. I can only remember her getting emotional before one of her surgeries, her last one. She had endured so very much and wasn't sure she would be able to endure another one. Thankfully, after that one she never had to. I was blessed and privileged to be living or visiting home when each of these surgeries was performed. I can remember one of her surgeries was done while I was taking a test in one of my business classes when I attended Weber State College. The professor was quite amazed when she found out what was going on with my mother and I was present in class that day.

    Another of her surgeries took place just after the Christmas holidays. We were able to be home for that Christmas holiday and when I found out that she needed the surgery I was able to extend my stay in order to be able to care for my father and for her when she returned home. I was very thankful to be able to be there and grateful that I could at least do something to help out during that difficult time for my parents. During   the last surgery my mother suffered a slight stroke and lost some of her long term memory. It was because of this that I was able to write down some of my childhood memories for her prior to her death. That was a wonderful experience for me to be able to reminisce and to share those memories with her, and to finally thank her for always being so supportive of me and for being such a good example to me.

   My mother was a very brave woman. She suffered much over her lifetime and rarely complained. I can only imagine the fear and frustrations she must have felt due to the limitations this condition had on her life. My mother never felt sorry for herself, and she never let those limitations keep her from living a full and productive life. I have learned so much from her example of courage, patience, endurance and embracing what really matters most in life. I have learned how to live by watching her live. By remembering how she endured her suffering, I am better able to endure mine without complaint and discouragement. She had such a deep and abiding faith and trust in God's plan for her and for her life. So much so that I think she knew ahead of her passing that her time was short. As a result she prepared by pre-planning her own funeral arrangements. Needless to say, this was a great blessing to us during a difficult time.

      I have not suffered nearly as much as my mother did over her lifetime, but this past few days has put me to the test. It has not been easy and I am not a very patient person. I have been so blessed to have so much help, and by so many that have taken time out of their busy lives to prepare a meal for us, send or bring me flowers, chocolates, videos and books. I have had many caring phone calls, cards and visits that have helped me endure this difficult and trying time in my life. I am deeply appreciative of these blessings that have come from others - brothers and sisters - who have been willing to "carry me" through this challenging time. Thank you. Thank you for making me feel loved. Thank you for being willing to help carry my burden. Thank you for helping me through. You are loved.

Because You Loved Me (Celine Dion)

http://youtu.be/ih1945e4q7I

The Light Has Come



"In the darkness even one small candle burns like the sun!"

-Roger Hoffman

He'll Carry You (Hilary Weeks)
http://youtu.be/HCVT88Dz_CM

"The message of this moment is so clear,
And as certain as the rising of the sun:
When your world is filled with darkness, doubt, or fear,
Just hold on, hold on,
The light will come."

     I have had some interesting experiences over the past week. Without going into too much detail I will just say that some of the challenging situations that I have been living through have finally ended, or will be ending soon. I have felt like I have been living in a long, dark night and looking for that "one small candle" for what feels like a very long time. I have felt "darkness, doubt and fear". It seems to be that way when we are going through some dark and stormy time periods in our life. It may begin with the death of a loved one, the loss of or change in a relationship, the loss of a job, suffering with an illness or having to live through what feels like an impossible situation. These times can bring the darkness into our lives for what feels like an eternity. But I'm here to tell you, that it does not last forever!

    Over the past few years I have wondered if it was me, if I was the only one that had these feelings of doubt and fear. I have felt at times like I was doing something wrong and God was punishing me. I felt alone and misunderstood, like no one could possibly understand what I was going through. These times have caused me to have some very deep "soul searching" sessions. I have held my thoughts, attitudes and behaviors up in the mirror and I haven't always liked what I have seen. I have struggled (and am still struggling) to make adjustments in my thought patterns, manage my emotions and my attitudes. But, I have "shown up", "been present" and "put forth my best effort", and God has made up the difference.

    I think that is what we have to do sometimes, "never, never, never give up" (thank you Winston Churchill). Some days it has been all I could do to drag myself out of bed and get through the day. Some days I have cried through most of it. I have poured out my soul in prayer, because I knew that God knew what I was going through. I have written my feelings in my journal because I just had to get them out. I knew I couldn't get through it on my own strength, mainly because I didn't have anymore strength on which to draw. I know that God knows my pain, He knows my fears, He knows my tears because I have certainly put them in front of Him many times. I know that He understands because He has suffered what I am suffering. I know I can trust him with my most intimate thoughts, even when I know that they might not please Him. I know that He loves me unconditionally. He will love me through my pain, anger and frustrations and in spite of my less than lofty thoughts and feelings.  How do I know this? Because over this past week, "the light has come", finally. The changes are happening within and without. I am feeling more hopeful, more at peace than I have felt in a very, very long time. The long, dark night is ending and the day dawn is breaking!

  Now this doesn't mean that all of my challenges and problems are going away. Heaven's no! In fact, my long awaited knee surgery is in two days, and I am feeling anxious about it. But, I also have recently been infused with the knowledge, wisdom and the hope that all of these things will be for my good, somehow, and that I can trust that God has a plan and a purpose in all of this for me. I have learned that sometimes you really do just have to "hold on" to what you know is true and right, put in your best effort and eventually, the light does come. . . . And when it comes, it is brilliant and nothing short of a miracle!

"If you feel trapped inside a never ending night,
If you've forgotten how it feels to feel the light,
If you're half crazy thinking you're the only one
who's afraid the light will never really come -
Just hold on, hold one the light will come."

(Michael McLean)
    
Hold On, The Light Will Come
(written by Michael McLean, sung by Jessie Clark Funk)

http://youtu.be/0OvPN1vtZos

Lead, Kindly Light



"Sometimes God calms the storm.

Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child."

When You Come Back to Me Again (Originally by Garth Brooks, this version is a cover, but the video presentation is great)
http://youtu.be/781uZVEPFUo

        "A lighthouse is an ensign on a hill, shining its light across the raging seas, beaconing the wayward sailor to safe waters and warning of the rocky dangers that threaten to dash their ships to pieces and relinquish them to the murky depths of the ocean.  They represent what I wanted to be, a lighthouse standing like an island in the midst of raging storms, beaming hope to those who may be lost.
            Lighthouses are unique.  No two have the same stripes, and lenses are specifically cut for that lighthouse.  A lens from a lighthouse in California would not fit one from Oregon or Virginia.  They are each different with their own character and history.  The number of cuts on the lens determines the ability for their light to pierce through the misty darkness, reaching ships farther from the shore.  In like manner, the cuts we sustain through our trials, if accepted without complaint, allow us that ability to shine more brilliantly and reach the hearts of those around us who may be struggling." (Excerpt from A True Story, Mother Had a Secret, Learning to Love My Mother & Her Multiple Personalities by Tiffany Fletcher)

      I received the above quote from a dear friend this past week. She is very much aware of the trials and struggles I have experienced over the past few years, and has been a listening ear and a great support to me through them. She mentioned that as she read this passage in the book she couldn't help but think of me and wanted to pass it along to me. I am grateful for her thoughtfulness. I cannot, however, say that I have accepted every trial without complaint. But, I do have lots of "cuts" that I hope will make my inner light "shine more brilliantly and reach the hearts of those around [me] who may be struggling."

     I happen to live in a small tourist town on the shores of Lake Michigan, and we have a lighthouse in the harbor not too far from our home. There have been many times when I have felt lonely and in need of comfort as I have walked along the pier or along the beach and looked out past the lighthouse to the water. As I watch the waves come in and go out, their rhythm seems to sooth my weary soul and I am comforted.

    There have been times over the last few years of my life when I have felt like I was in the midst of a storm at sea and the waves keep coming - wave after wave after wave - and I have barely had enough time to come up for air! It has been a time of confusion and fear, frustration and isolation. I have felt at times like no one understands what I am experiencing, let alone knows what to do to help me!

    But I have found that there is One who does understand what I have been going through, and that is my loving Heavenly Father. He has been my "lighthouse" through my stormy seas. I have held on tightly to my faith in Him and his son, Jesus Christ - the "rock". They have been the "life preservers" that have kept me afloat through the midst of these storms. I honestly do not think that I would have survived without their constant loving support and guidance. Prayer and scripture reading are the materials that make up the "life preserver" to which I have clung. Admittedly, I have at times prayed more out of habit than sincere desire, but at other times I have poured out my heart and soul to God through my prayers. Seeking guidance, peace and healing through my communications with Him. I know in whom I can trust and to whom I can look to receive much needed guidance and solace.

    I attended a large university for my freshmen year of college. I often felt homesick, alone and invisible as I would walk amid the masses of people across the campus. Often I would look up at the huge mountains in the distance and wonder, "What am I doing here"? One day as I was walking across the campus I saw an old friend, a Seminary teacher from my high school days. He inquired as to how I was adjusting to college life and I shared with him my feelings of homesickness and loneliness. Through the course of our conversation he suggested that I go home and read the words to the hymn, "Lead, Kindly Light", and it would bring me some comfort. I took his advice and I did that. This experience brought me peace and understanding of the love that my Heavenly Father had for me at a time when I needed it the most. That hymn has had a special place in my heart ever since that day, so much so that I decided to use it as the opening hymn at my father's funeral. It continues to bring me peace and comfort.

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene—one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor pray’d that thou
Shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

So long thy pow’r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Text: John Henry Newman, 1801–1890

Music: John B. Dykes, 1823–1876

     As I continue along this life journey facing yet another trial in the near future, I know to whom I can look to help guide me through this "storm of life". The same being to whom I have always turned when I needed a helping hand to lift me up out of the "storms of life", my loving Father in Heaven. "If God has led you to it, He will lead you through it". So, lead, kindly light.

“Light – more light!”

 – Last words of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Like a Lighthouse (performed by Drew Reese, written by Michael Webb)

http://youtu.be/p4EqYZKbWSE

(Dedicated to my dear friends, Maren and Kim B. Thank you, and may God lead you through the storms of life, as He has led me. I love you!)

“When the music changes, so does the dance.” African Proverb



“It's like an emotional dance party: Some dances will be your favorites -- others more awkward or difficult to learn. Some will be boring or make you mad. Some you will wish you never needed to do again. But AHA! You think. I will dance all the dances I can.”
― SARK, Glad No Matter What: Transforming Loss and Change into Gift and Opportunity



Life's A Dance (John Michael Montgomery)
http://youtu.be/7k4ujBGRGf8

     When I was younger I wanted to be a ballet dancer. My mother loved the ballet and would often get season tickets and take my sister and I to see the performances. I thought there was nothing more beautiful than the lovely sight of dancers in their brilliant costumes moving so gracefully across the stage. I was never given the opportunity in my young life to study ballet. I think it was because I was born with club feet which had to be corrected with the aid of casts to reform my feet and legs. I have since found out that I also have a leg length discrepancy, my right leg is slightly longer than my left leg. I was always pretty clumsy as a child, and I fell frequently while running on the playground at school. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I had different leg lengths and weak ankles. This fact, however, didn't keep me from trying to learn a little in a college class in my 20's, but by then it was too late to seriously pursue the art. I did, however, develop a greater appreciation for the hard work and physical stamina that it takes to be a good ballet dancer.

     I remember the day when I was forced to give up the dream of being a dancer. I was in attendance at a community talent event. One of the local dance schools was putting on a performance with several of the dances the students had learned. They looked so beautiful in their costumes and they executed the moves very skillfully. As I looked on I was suddenly overcome with the realization that it would never be me doing that, in any shape or form. I sat in the theater and quietly wept, tears streaming down my face. I'm sure that anyone who looked at me would have thought that I was crazy. Only I knew why I felt so emotional. Only I knew the truth and the pain of a dreamed never realized.

       Since that day there have been many dreams come and go. Some have involved my family and friends, and some are just for me. I had hoped that one of my daughters might take up dance and live out the dream of being a dancer that I kept hidden. But, alas, none did. They had other dreams of their own to pursue (and still do). I have had to change my dreams to focus on what I can do, rather than what I cannot do anymore. Adjust to what is more realistic for me at this time of my life. I have started some dreams and never finished them - yet anyway. I have come to realize that some may never be completed in this life. It has not been easy to let some of them go, but it has been necessary. Some broken dreams have made me angry. Other dreams fulfilled have brought me great joy beyond my comprehension.

    Isn't that like life in general? It is part of the mortal experience. The good and the bad; the ups and the downs; the highs and the lows. Life truly is a type of dance, and some of us are better able to dance the steps than others. We all have our own unique style and twists that we bring to the steps, and that's what makes the whole performance turn out beautifully. As we each dance our part we don't always see the overall quality of the performance, because we are so focused on our own sequence of steps. We loose sight of the "big picture" and how it will all turn out when every part is performed. Right now I am experiencing a down time in my life. I like this quote by Iveta Cherneva, “When life gets you down, improvise as if crawling was part of the choreography.” And, some days it feels like I am literally crawling to get through the day. (I may literally be doing so after this impending knee surgery is done, time will tell.) Perhaps crawling is a necessary step, maybe even a vital step, in the overall performance, this I do not know.  But in the end I hope I can dance (or crawl) my steps in such a way that when my final performance is through, I have done my part well enough to warrant a standing ovation.

I Hope You Dance (Lee Ann Womack)

http://youtu.be/RV-Z1YwaOiw