Reality Check: Notes from a Younger Self

Reality Check: Notes from a Younger Self

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Somewhere (Barbra Streisand/Josh Groban)
http://youtu.be/aPgqeVROE_4

I have recently been re-reading some notes and quotes I copied. They were taken from readings of wise authors over the years.  I wanted to keep them safely in one spot so as to be able to reference them when I needed to. I started keeping these notes in a spiral-bound journal that I started in December of 2000, when I was having a mid-life crisis of sorts. I was looking for meaning, joy and happiness that I did not seem to be able to find in my day to day life at that time. I started searching for some answers to the bigger questions in my life, and as a result I started reading some great books written by some very wise people. Marianne Williamson, Cheryl Richardson, Sarah Ferguson - The Duchess of York, Sarah Ban Breathnach, to name a few. One of those quotes by "wise people" turned out to be mine!

I wrote an entry titled "Reality Check". It was a list I compiled for myself to read so as to be able to face some realities in my life that I was not wanting to face and deal with. After re-reading this I think I want to share it here for my own children to read someday, when they have to face the realities of their own life. Perhaps by putting it here it will give them the courage to face their own fears and realities. Maybe they will better understand me and the way I saw things back then, too. I have changed much over the past 17 years (life has a way of doing that to you) but the wisdom is still relevant and timeless.

Reality Check

September 1, 2001

 - I'll never be 20 years old again. I'll never be 30 or 35 or 40 years old again.

- I'm never going to weigh 130 lbs again, but now I exercise to feel better and stay healthy, not just to lose weight.

 - I'm never going to be able to live by my parents again in this life. Mom's gone. Dad won't live forever (he passed away in 2005). Time to "get a life" here." It's not about where you live, but how you live.

 - It's time to start "living in the moment" and enjoying who I am, where I am, and what I have/do. "Enjoy life, this is not a dress rehearsal."

 - We are never going to have enough money to be able to do all I would like to do, so do what we can, when we can, where we can and be grateful we can!

 - I won't be (fill in the blank)  forever, so do your best now so you have no regrets when the release comes, and endure to the end.

 - Don't fear the future callings, they are in the Lord's hands. "Always follow faith and never fear".

 - My children are growing up and away. Hopefully to someday be capable, responsible adults. Enjoy them while you still can.

 - Life holds no guarantees, just miracles and blessings for those open to receive and perceive them.

 - Don't quit!

What a blessing that I wrote this down! As I look back I can see the wisdom in living these words. Maybe I would add one more...

- Life is short, buy the shoes! ;-)

Things Take Time

"There are two types of pain, one that hurts you and the other that changes you" - Unknown

Beautiful Heartbreak - Hilary Weeks - Every Step: http://youtu.be/xyX-I-um5Kk

I have finally returned to writing again, after a very difficult year.  My life journey over this past year has been one of trials, tears, fears, anxiety,  disappointments, heartache, loss, great joy and unexpected miracles. In short, it has been quite a roller coaster ride!  Extreme highs and extreme lows. Agony and ecstasy.  I feel I have lived through an entire lifetime in a year - at least I have experienced enough in one year to last a lifetime. I didn't know one person could go through so much turmoil in such a short period of time and still survive!

I have also learned the value of the phrase "things take time". Perhaps this is God's way of teaching and testing my patience. Certainly, it has tried it. I have had experiences over the past year that I never expected to ever have to go through in my lifetime. As I look back, I don't know why I never thought they would happen to me and my loved ones. I guess I lived in a type of a bubble, expecting only good things to happen in life, and not the bad. The "happily ever after" syndrome.  Pretty unrealistic. But, in spite of that fact, some of what could have turned out to be really bad turned out to be really good - even miraculous!

I have learned a lot about trusting God and His plan for me and my family over the last year. His plans are not always my plans. I have also learned  alot about God's plans for families, and that it is much bigger and much broader than I ever imagined! I have also learned that God strengthens us through difficulties and "saves" us in unexpected, but glorious ways. He compensates us for our losses. He carries us when we no longer have the strength to carry on. Truly, His grace IS amazing, and sufficient.

I have learned that I was capable of doing some really hard things. I learned how very much I love my family. I have learned that we can get through difficult times much better working together and supporting each other, than we could ever do alone. I have learned that God put this family together for a reason; that when we pull together and love and support each other, no matter what, God helps us get through the rough parts of life.

I would never want to relive this year again-ever. It has truly been "the worst of times and the best if times". But, I have learned this great lesson that, "if God brings you to it, He will lead you through it". We are NEVER alone in our trials in this life journey. We have a Father in Heaven who cares and is always there to hear, help and heal us; and He will make everything right -  if not today, then someday.

Jim Brickman: Amazing Grace: http://youtu.be/9mj_kO7LIFY

Wisdom via Hindsight

We May Never Pass This Way Again (Seals and Croft)

http://youtu.be/i3mp4dkm1fQ

     I have been thinking about writing this post for a while and finally decided that today is the day. I hope that at some time in the future, when my own daughters and daughter-in-law need it, they will come to this blog post and read and re-read it. Perhaps it will help them, and others, understand and do things differently than I did. They say that hindsight is 20/20, so I am going to share some things that I learned over the years. How I might have done some things differently had I known then what I know now as a post stay-at-home motherhood and current empty-nester.

     What sparked my decision to finally write about this was a phone call the other day from a sweet, young mother who was at the end of her rope. She has several children, all of which are age 6 and under, and she is currently pregnant with another. She was feeling overwhelmed with her life, and she felt like she needed a break from her children before she did something she might regret. I was her "phone a friend" lifeline that day.  My heart went out to her and her situation. I have felt like her at various times in my own life and so I could most certainly empathize with how she was feeling and what she was going through. We love our children and are very thankful to have them. We feel a tremendous sense of responsibility to care for them and fulfill their every need, but there are times when being with them 24/7 is simply more than we can handle. Having "been there, done that",  I am going to share with you some of what I learned about those years and what I would have done differently if I had it to do over again....

     First of all, I would have taken more time for myself to develop my own interests and pursue some of my dreams. There simply has to be more of a balance in life. When one is in the midst of raising children, especially small children, we feel so selfish and guilty when we take even a little "time out" for ourselves. I am not suggesting that one goes overboard to the point of neglect or of being obsessively self-serving, but what I am suggesting is that you set aside a few hours or an afternoon one day a week to do something for yourself. It is very easy to loose your identity when you becomes a wife and a mother and it is very important, even essential, that you have something you can call your own that identifies you as an individual person - as you. For me, it was my taking the time to teach piano lessons for a couple of hours a week. It was something that I loved to do, it kept me in touch with my own skills and talents, it was of service to others and it also helped to bring in some much needed extra income to contribute to the family budget (or have some play money fore me - guilt free). It was a small amount but I can't count the times that it was just enough to cover what was needed. It has been a great blessing in my life and it blessed the lives of others - both student and parent. I felt good about what I was able to contribute to the world through teaching and adding to the beauty of the world through music education.

     Another thing that I would do is seek out  the support of and friendship of others who are in similar situations. Women need other women - girlfriend! I tended to isolate myself and think that I could do "it" all by myself, and even worse, that I had to do it all by myself. I suffered in silence and that was a big mistake. I needed to be around and talk to adults, especially when I was home with toddlers and infants all day. There are only so many episodes of Barney and Sesame Street that one can handle in a day (or Dora or Teletubbies  or ________ fill in the blank here)! When I was a new mother and living in a state far away from family and friends it soon became clear to me that I had to do something about my isolation and loneliness or I was going to go crazy (or MIA). I had a dear friend from back home who suggested that I get involved with La Leche League, which is an organization that supports and helps women who are breastfeeding their children. It was, hands down, THE best decision I ever made for my mental health! I found a local chapter of the group and attended one of their meetings. I was hooked. I soon found a group of like-minded women who had children my own children's ages and who were going through what I was going through and feeling what I was feeling. It was a miracle! We started a playgroup as well as getting together for the monthly meetings. Our children became friends as did we. Admittedly there were some challenges due to some differences of religious opinions, but for the most part we were able to set those aside and find more things in common than were different. La Leche League became one of my "lifelines" when we moved from town to town for schooling and jobs during those early years of our children's lives. It became a constant in the midst of chaos. I will be forever thankful for those dear women who supported and helped me during the good times and the bad times of those years. They helped to keep me "off the ledge" many times.

     And finally, I would have kept up some of my professional skills, either by taking a class and/or dabbling in my field of choice. Not to the point of neglecting my children, but only to the point of being able to keep up my skill set. At this time in my life I am facing a situation that the skills and training I received in my profession are no longer of use in the same way as they were pre-babies. I was trained as a secretary and worked in that field prior to having my first child, but  I have not worked in that field for many years and I no longer have adequate skills to work in an office environment as a secretary. I would need to go through retraining in order to work in that field now, and I figure that if I have to be retrained anyway that I would rather get my education in something that I feel more passionate about than working in an office as a secretary. I am also finding that the field that I have been working in for the past 20+ years is losing ground (as a piano instructor) to more exciting, instantly gratifying extra -curricular activities such as soccer, softball, gymnastics, dance, etc. I hate to see the devaluation of learning to play the piano (or any musical instrument), and I think that it will become a rare talent and skill in the future. It is not an instant gratification talent, but one that takes time and practice and patience to perfect and I see too few willing to put the time and energy into perfecting this talent.  The world will be a much sadder place without music in it, and those who play it well. I find it very difficult to find a young student who is willing to put in the time and practice and patience that it takes to become a skilled musician. My career choices have and are becoming obsolete, and so  I am finding myself at this point in life having to retrain myself in a job market that desires younger, thinner and better skilled employees than what I have to offer. Attending college in middle age is much harder than if I had continued to pursue my degree along the way and continued to dabbled in the field of study as I went along in life. So my advice, get the degree or training skills while you are young, but if you can't do it while you are young, just do it - and keep a finger on the pulse of your area of expertise. The world is changing so fast with the new technologies that exist that a degree or skill might become obsolete in the future, but if you keep an eye on the changes and can tap into it to whatever extent you can, you won't regret it in the future. And, it will make your future "empty nest" years (yes, they do eventually come) much easier to navigate.

    So, the bottom line is:

     Don't give up on your dreams; find a way to follow them,
     Enjoy play dates with your girlfriends and their kids, and
     Never stop learning.

That's The Way It Is (Celine Dion)
http://youtu.be/sLSWJtxvaUY

I Haven't Got Time for the Pain

Don't think. Feel (Neil Diamond)
http://youtu.be/6QVmhdXnhlE

Lots of people think that it is wrong to cry when you are afraid, hurt or sad, or even when you are full of joy. Others frown on those whose laughter fills the room when they are experiencing great joy. I'm here to tell you that I believe that to be a "profoundly dangerous" myth.

I ran across a video clip the other day that resonated with me. It's message - The Power of Vulnerability - has now come into my sphere of consciousness several time over the past few weeks. I think it's trying to tell me something. (Here is the clip for those who want to view it: The Power of Vulnerability (Dr. Brene Brown)
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html).

Over the past few years of my life I have come to better understand this "power of vulnerability". One of the symptoms that all was not right in my world was my inability to really feel deeply. At some of the most emotional and meaningful moments of my life all I felt was numb and disconnected.  I felt that I was simply going through the motions of life and getting through what needed to be done. The reality of this fact really hit me at significant events in which I knew I didn't feel the way I was supposed to feel. Over the process of time and understanding, I have come to realize that I had shut down my emotions and feelings.  I had felt such great pain and sorrow, that I became afraid to feel anything at all. I have found that in trying to "guard and protect my heart" from pain, I am also protecting it from feeling peace, love and joy.  Life is meant to be lived and felt.

Frankly, the past few years of my life have been quite the roller coaster ride of emotions. I became overloaded and therefore, I became afraid to feel anything anymore - good or bad. I did not want to be vulnerable to any more pain, but as a result I was also not able to feel much joy or happiness. I think that one reason I shut down emotionally was because I hadn't had enough time to, nor did I completely know how to, process one life-altering event before another one came along. I felt like a sinking swimmer desperately trying to come up for air and getting hit with another wave. Wave, upon wave - and I was barely breathing.

As hard as the past year has been for me it has also been a relief for me to finally have had enough down time to be able to process a lot of what has happened in my life over these past years. It has been a year of healing both physically and emotionally. Due to my physical health and other circumstances, I have been forced to deal with things that I would really rather not have ever had to deal with.  It has been sad, and sometimes quite painful in spite of my best efforts to avoid it.  I have come to realize how much I missed out on feeling because I would not allow myself to be vulnerable. I have also come to realize that vulnerability is what makes us human, it is what makes life worth living. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of humanness!

So, now I am finding that when I am in a situation in which I think I should be feeling a certain way - either joy or sorrow - and I am not feeling that way that there is something very wrong. I think that as I continue to explore understand this power of vulnerability, I am healing some of the underlying wounds and lighting up some of the darker places in my life. I am finding that in the long run it is much better to allow myself to feel what I need to feel than to suppress it, because these feelings inevitably come back later- stronger and more persistently.  I understand that being vulnerable will mean feeling more pain in my life, and I need to prepare myself for that possibility. But, it also opens up the possibility of feeling great peace, joy and happiness that has too long been absent from my life - and has been sorely missed. Life comes up short when the journey seems long.

I Haven't Got Time for the Pain (Carly Simon)
http://youtu.be/E3_l5Ss203I

Life Is Like a Piano....

Cristofori's Dream (David Lanz)
http://youtu.be/9wxrB41PMhw

     It's been quite a while since I last wrote. A lot has been going on in my personal life. Without going into detail, it's been a wonderful and challenging few weeks. I have been reminded of the life lesson (see photo insert) that "Life is like a piano: What you get out of it depends on how you play it.".  As a pianist, this one resonates with me.

     It seems to be the time of year that can be very unsettling for many people. Back-to-school preparations, moves to colleges or new job locations can disrupt and unsettle us. Fall seems to be the time that if someone is going to move or relocate, they are in the "short rows" to get moved and settled in before the snowflakes fly. We have moved multiple times in our married life and most of the time the moves happened in the Fall or Spring. 

     Our first move to Georgia from Utah took place in October 1987, 26 years ago. My husband had just finished his Bachelor's Degree and we got his first "real" job there. Our son was barely 4 months old. We arrived in the small town of Warm Springs, Georgia the day before Halloween. If you have ever been to Warm Springs, Georgia, then you know that this small town closes down fairly early in the evening. We drove into town and had no idea where we were going, nor how to contact the landlady for the home in which we were going to rent. There happened to be a Fall Festival that night at the school that her grandchildren attended, so she wasn't available at the number that we dialed on the town's one pay phone. (Yes, folks, it was back in the day before there were laptops, cell phones, email, Skype, Facebook - and, the pay phone only cost 25 cents to make a call). The town was so small that the sheriff immediately knew that we were strangers. He saw us at the phone booth (yes, that's what they had such a thing back then) and asked how he could help us. We told him of our dilemma and he knew exactly who we were talking about and how to get in touch with her. To make a long story short, she came over to the house (a double wide trailer on cinder block stilts - that that's a story for a different time) and opened the place up for us. We laid out our sleeping bags on the mattresses and crashed. It had been a long and eventful trip (also a story for another time). Talk about your culture shock!!!

     Seven moves later we settled into the home in which we now reside, and have resided for the past 14 years. Most of our moves have been job related, but a few of them were because I wasn't too happy where we were living. Most of the places where we lived up until moves 6 and 7 were rental places and so we were forced to move for various reasons, i.e. new job, new tenants that were related to the landlady that wanted to live where we were living, return to graduate school, rent increases, job changes. Once our children got in school we were much more careful about where we were located and how often we relocated. It can be very disrupting to a child in school to relocate and we wanted to minimize that as much as possible. 

     At the time of move number 5, my husband told me that I had better be happy at the next move because he wasn't too excited about doing it too many more times! Frankly, I wasn't either! This got me to thinking about what it was that made me happy and how it was more than just the house or place that we lived that contributed to my happiness.  You may have heard the phrase "Bloom where you are planted". I believe this is a pretty valid and wise philosophy. I have found that if I made the choice to be involved and contribute to the community in which I was living, I was a much happier person than if I just decided to sit back and wait for the community to come to me. The community didn't know me nor what I had to offer, so it was really my responsibility to decide how I wanted to live, how much I wanted to be involved and what I wanted to contribute to that community. At times it was refreshing to be able to relocate and "start fresh" where no one knew me nor anything about my past experiences. Sometimes that is what it takes to be able to "start over" and make life better. I hope that I have learned some things along the way..

     It isn't easy to "start over" when you move, but it can be an opportunity to decide what you need to change in your life. For example, if I have been a slacker in one location, I can change that attitude and step up to the plate and fulfill my responsibilities better in the next location. Another thing that is wonderful about the moves was the ability to take what I had learned in one location and share it with others in the new location. This would help to build up my skills and the share experiences  and what I have learned with others in the new location. It helped to build a better sense of community for me. These were priceless opportunities for growth for both the giver (me) and the receiver (them). Not to mention, the joy of being able to clear out and throw away some of the clutter and "stuff of life" that I had been collecting over the period of time before the move. Believe me, when you move as many times as we did, you learn what you can live without just so you don't have to move it again! What becomes important to you becomes very clear. 

    Some of the things that I came to appreciate through my moves were my family, my friends and my faith. These were the things that were constant and enduring throughout all of my moves. As a family, we learned to work together to support and help each other adjust to our new surroundings. I made some wonderful and enduring friendships in the different locations where we have lived and I value and treasure these true friendships. My faith is what has helped me to remain connected to what standards and values I need to maintain and on which to focus during the times of disruption and turmoil. Church has been my anchor in the turbulent waters of the moves, especially when I wasn't even sure where we were going to have a place to move into when we got there. God has put special people in my path at just the right time when I needed them to be there, and I will be eternally grateful for that. 

    I guess the bottom line is this, "it's not about where you live, but about how you live". Home truly is where the heart is, and if your heart is in the right place then "home" can be anywhere.

Home (Blake Shelton)

http://youtu.be/kkoT1nZOexY

     

What a Difference a Day Makes!

"So tell that someone you love

just what you're thinking of

if tomorrow never comes"

If Tomorrow Never Comes (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/b2AAsqcJPkI

I have had a couple of experiences of the past few weeks that have, once again, reinforced the importance of expressing how we feel about someone special in our lives to them, while we still have the opportunity to do so. Everything can change overnight. One night I went to bed and all was well, the next morning I checked my Facebook and discovered that life had changed overnight.

Just over a week ago I had the opportunity to spend a few precious hours with my brother-in-law, Keith, as he was staying in a hotel not too far from where I live. We live about 1600 miles apart, and so we don't get to see other very often. He happened to be on a tour that stopped overnight in a town that was about two hours south of where I live. On a whim, he texted me and suggested that we get together for a visit, since he was staying so close by. I decided it would be a great idea so I ventured the four hours round trip to have a visit. We shared a joke or two, discussed our family members and what was going on in our respective lives, and generally had a really nice visit. He called his wife, my sister, on his phone and we surprised her with a conversation from me, her sister. We enjoyed the visit (which, of course, was too short) and then I headed out for the two hour trip north to home. I arrived about 1:30 a.m. Tired, but safe and satisfied that I had gotten to spend some time with my great brother-in-law. Who would have thought.....

A week later I woke up in the morning and glanced at my Facebook feed to find that my niece, his daughter, had posted a comment that this same brother-in-law had been in a serious motorcycle/car accident and that he was in critical condition at their local hospital. I was shocked. He was unconscious and sedated so that the medical team could stabilize his vital signs. I could hardly believe what I was reading. I immediately said a quick prayer and began to try to get to the bottom of the situation. Another niece, also his daughter, finally phoned me and told me that their phone batteries had died during the time spent in the hospital and that my sister would call me as soon as she could. I was grateful for the preparatory phone call so that I could, again, say another quick prayer and ask for help to know what to say or do to help from such a long distance away. I felt so helpless. After talking with both my niece and my sister I felt somewhat better, but I was still very much concerned for what they were all having to deal with, as well as for the life of my dear brother-in-law.

Their life has been turned upside down since then. My sister says that it has only been a few days, but it feels like it has been months. She misses him. We all do. He is one of those individuals that lights up a room just by being in it - and not just because of his stature ;-). He is kind, caring and thoughtful, generous, supportive, intelligent, and has a great sense of humor. He is also spiritual and has touched many lives with his insights and understanding heart (as is evident from the many Facebook comments and postings in which his friends and family have expressed their love and appreciation for him). He is a rock that many of us lean on for strength and support. He has had a great impact on my own life, both as a brother-in-law and as a friend. We share family history, and family ties that will never be broken. He is the kind of brother-in-law that everyone wishes they had. Just before we parted the last time I saw him, he said how glad he was to be a part of our family. I feel the same way - how glad and grateful I am that he is a part of our family. (Well done, sister dear).

Another thing that I appreciate about Keith is the fact that we are both Barry Manilow "fanilows". We also talked about that when we visited, since Mr Manilow was to do a concert in his home town the following weekend. We shared some thoughts on Barry and he suggested I put my greatest hits CD in my player for the drive home - which I did and it kept me awake as I sang along with Barry. When I was younger I was often teased because of my "appreciation" for Barry Manilow, so it is really fun to have that connection with my brother-in-law. It says a lot about him in my opinion, because those of us that are "Fanilows" stick together. Truly, "It's a Miracle" that he is still alive. A gift from God that he got for his birthday this year, even though he spent it unconscious in the hospital.  I know he has a long and difficult recovery road ahead of him, but I also know that if anyone can "(Make) it Through the Rain", he can. So Keith, I love you my brother from another mother.  Here's to a speedy recovery!

This One's For You (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/QPfjxb35ZDc

Motherhood? It Will Change Your Life.

Return to Pooh Corner (Kenny Loggins with Amy Grant)
http://youtu.be/BpXUYIOoFzM

     Spring has sprung, and with it comes the season of graduations, weddings and . . . baby showers! With my own children on the cusp of making parenthood decisions, I thought I would share an article that I came across when I was just begining to have children of my own. It was originally written in 1989 and I found it in the May 1990 Guideposts Magazine. I have kept it all of these years and re-read it many times. I still find it to be full of wisdom and truth. I share it here for those who are mothers, those who are soon-to-be mothers, and for those who are still thinking about it:

Motherhood - It Will Change Your Life

by Dale Hanson Bourke



"Time is running out for my friend. We are sitting at lunch when she casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."  What she means is that her biological clock has begun its countdown and she is considering the prospect of motherhood.

"We're taking a survey," she says, half jokingly. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say carefully.

"I know," she says. "No more sleeping in on Saturdays, no more spontaneous vacations..."

But that is not what I mean at all. I look at my friend, trying to decide what to tell her. 

I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes.  I want to tell her that the physical wounds of childbirth heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never read a newspaper again without asking "What if that had been my child?"  That every plane crash, every fire will haunt her.  That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will look at the mothers and wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think she should know that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will immediately reduce her to the primitive level.  That a slightly urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle' or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation. That the anger she will feel if that call came over a lost toy will be a joy she has never before experienced.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might successfully arrange for child care, but one day she will be waiting to go into an important business meeting, and she will think about her baby's sweet smell.  She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure he is all right.

I want my friend to know that everyday routine decisions will no longer be routine.  That a visit to McDonald's and a five year old boy's understandable desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's room will become a major dilemma.  That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that danger may be lurking in the rest room.I want her to know that however decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. 

Looking at my attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but will never feel the same about herself.  That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child.  That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not so much to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish his. I want her to know that a cesarean scar or stretch marks will become badges of honor.

My friend's relationship with her husband will change, I know, but not in the ways she thinks.  I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is always careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his son.  I think she should know that she will fall in love with her husband again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my modern friend could sense the bond she will feel with other women throughout history who have tried desperately to stop war and prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children"s future.

I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your son learn to hit a baseball.  I want to capture for her the laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog for the first time.  I want her to taste the joy that is so real that it hurts.

My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I say finally. Then I reach across the table, and squeezing my friend's hand, I offer a prayer for her and me and all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this holiest of callings."

I Am Your Child (Barry Manilow)

http://youtu.be/acpgHpFFNSY

"Mixed Blessings"





Blessings (Laura Story)

http://youtu.be/GMeFzFUbmJo

     Yesterday I was driving to my yoga class and I heard this song for the first time on my car radio. It was such a powerful experience that it felt like time just stopped, and I was transported to a space in time that was limitless and yet all encompassing. It is hard to explain, but I knew that hearing this song at that exact moment in time was no coincidence. It was a spiritual moment meant for me, then and there. It was the message from God that I needed to hear. It was a tender mercy to me in a time of great need. I think the thing that gave it the greatest impact was the feelings that it invoked in me; feelings of complete understanding, hope and love.

      We are all fighting battles within our souls, every day, in our own way. It is the nature of the mortal life we live, especially in these days of trial and troubles on every side. President Ezra Taft Benson said this:

"Great battles can make great heroes and heroines. We will never have a better opportunity to be valiant in a more crucial cause than in the battle we face today and in the immediate future. Some of the greatest battles we will face will be fought within the silent chambers of our own souls." ("In His Steps" Ensign, Sept. 1988).

     I find a great reassurance and understanding in this quote by Elde Quentin R. Cook. "We know from the scriptures that some trials are for our good and are suited for our own personal development" ("Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard TIme" Ensign, October 2008).  We experience pain and heartache that are "tailor maid" for us. It is by experiencing these challenges that will ultimately sanctify us and purify us. The intent of these trials and tests is to help us to become who our Father in Heaven intended us to be. This is hard to see when one is in the midst of them though because growing pains are exactly that - painful!

   Elder Orson F. Whitney shared: "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, build[s] up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable ...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire." (Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, Deseret Book, 19785, 98).

   Perhaps I needed to be reminded of this truth yesterday and that is why this song had such an impact on me. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in the battle. That is perhaps the most important thing to remember when experiencing the fight. We continue to pray for relief, knowing that we are not alone in our battle. Maybe we should be grateful to know we are growing , and that God has enough confidence in us to make it.

"What if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights

   are what it takes to know Your near?

What if trials in this life are Your mercies in disquise? ....

We know that pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our Home....

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops,

what if your healing comes through tears.

What if a thousand sleepless nights

   are what it take to know your near.

What if my greatest disappointments

or the aching of this life

is the revealing of a "greater thirst" this world can't satisfy.

What if trials of this life - the rain, the storms, the hardest nights

are your mercies in disguise"

Laura Story - "Blessings" - The story behind the song

http://youtu.be/gjB2skJi2co

"Graduation Day"

The Circle of Life (from: The Lion King - of course ;-))

http://youtu.be/XhDdw8rATic

     It's that time of year again. It comes around every Spring. Graduations! Announcements arrive in the mail. Pictures get posted on Facebook or in photo albums.. Parties and open houses are scheduled on the calendar. I do not think it is coincidental that Graduation Day usually occurs around the Memorial Day holiday, because both of these events celebrate a type of moving on to the next phase of life. A "graduation" of sorts; the end of one stage of life and the beginning of another. The ceremonies and rituals we observe at these times are in celebration of moving into another phase of our existence - one earthly, one Heavenly. Each event gives us a time to pause and reflect on our life and what where we are going with it. One stage of life ends and another begins. There is fear of the unknown, but also excited anticipation of the adventures yet to come.

    It is fun to see the pictures of the children of some of my friends who are graduating this year. It was about a year ago that my youngest child graduated from High School. Little did we know then what would be ahead of us over the next year!  There has been the pain of parting, homesickness, roommate challenges, expenses (always more expenses!), moves, highs and lows.  "There's more to see than can ever be seen, more to do than can ever be done. There's far too much to take in here, more to find than can ever be found". 

    The challenge of change is not unfamiliar to me; the time of transition.Yesterday my sister and her family spent some time in the cemetery at the grave site of my parents. My brother-in-law sent me a series of picture texts with photographs of them arriving at the cemetery, cleaning around the headstone and placing flowers in the two vases located on either side of the stone. As I viewed the pictures a lump formed in my throat and tears came to my eyes.  I live a great distance away from where my parents are buried, and so I rarely get to go "home" and visit the site. It can make Memorial Day a difficult holiday for me because I would like to be able to visit there and take a few minutes out of my life to remember and pay tribute to them for being such wonderful parents. I miss them and "home" very much, and it was an unexpected gift to me when I got to "visit" it vicariously through the picture texts sent from a sweet brother-in-law and sister. 

     Death, too, is a type of graduation, a type of moving on. It, too, is a time of transition when one stage of life ends and another begins. There is often fear of the unknown, but also excited anticipation of the adventures yet to come. I remember the day that we buried my mother. There was a beautiful sunset that we could see from the back yard of my childhood home. My brother-in-law (yes, the same one who sent me the picture texts) suggested that we stop for a few minutes and watch the sun go down on that day. It was truly one of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen in my life. The symbolic meaning was not lost on me. The sun had figuratively set in the life of my mother, and life as I knew it. But there would also be a sunrise. The sunrise of another day for those of us who were left to carry on in this world, and a sunrise, or a new beginning, for my mother who was transitioning to another world. "But the sun rolling high in the sapphire sky, keeps great and small on the endless round,... 

"It's the circle of life, 

And it moves us all

Through despair and hope,

Through faith and love, 

Till we find our place,

On a path unwinding, 

In the circle, 

The circle of life."

    When my first child was four months old we moved across the country, about 2000 miles away from my "home". There were days and nights of homesickness, and sometimes it would get really hard. At those times I used to think of this song and sing it to sooth me. It seemed to help then and it still does now. So, "graduates" and loved ones of " graduates", I can guarantee there will be times of loneliness, longing and homesickness.But I hope that this bit of wisdom might bring some small measure of comfort to you from one who's been there....

"And even though I know 

How very far apart we are.

It helps to think we might be wishing 

On the same bright star.

And when the night wind starts 

To sing a lonesome lullaby.

It helps to think we're sleeping

Underneath the same big sky.

Somewhere out there,

if love can see us through. 

Then we'll be together.

Somewhere out there 

Out where dreams come true."

Somewhere Out There (from: An American Tail)

http://youtu.be/EgHh3WaCOpw

And for all of those who will be "graduating" this year....

Reviewing the Past for a Brighter Future



Another Life (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/V5l1JS0oWzc

     Not long ago I awoke in the morning to the words of a Don Henley song going through my head. "Don't look back, you can never look back" (Boys of Summer). Then, a few weeks later I had the opportunity to visit some old friends that I hadn't seen in a very long time. Some of my memories of previous experience among this group weren't pleasant, and I admit that I was anxious about encountering some of them again after such a long time apart. I worried about what they remembered about me and how I handled some trying situations in my past. I was pleasantly surprised to be welcomed with loving embraces and warm memories! What could have been a very uncomfortable and unfortunate event, turned out to bring a welcome closure to some events in my past. Many of the individuals with whom I had quarrels were no longer present and it was, overall, a very healing experience for me.

  I am grateful that the individuals that I encountered from my past were so willing to remember only the good and not bring up or remember the past. Many whom I saw likely didn't know about the experiences I had had, nor did it really matter to them. What mattered to them we renewing our acquaintance and friendship and showing forth love and care for one another. That acceptance, that love, was exactly what was needed for me at that time to heal from the painful experiences of the past. And, it says a lot about their character and mine.

     I find it interesting that sometimes when I reflect back on past experiences it is harder to remember the good times, but very easy to remember the bad. (I guess that says as much about me and my perceptions as it does about my attitudes). We tend to attract what we focus on, and in order to change the future we may need to review the past. I have found that the journal which I have kept for many years helps me with this exercise. Re-reading some of the entries helps me to get a better perspective on where I was at mentally, emotionally and physically at the various "moments" of my life that were sometimes trying to experience. Often, when I re-read past journal entries I see things differently.

    I cannot change what has happened in the past, nor would I want to (although I'm certain I didn't feel that way when I was going through the trials). But now, from this side of them, I am better able to be grateful for what I have learned and who I have become as a result of experiencing and overcoming those challenges. It is through these experiences that I have come to "know God" and better understand that He is there for me, to help carry me as I go through them and bring me safely through to the other side of them. I have become more willing to trust in Him and His plan for me, and I have a better understanding of my relationship with Him. As I come to feel his love for me I am better able to love others as He would have me do. I am better able to "cut some slack" to others who might be experiencing their own tailor-made trials and tests of life. I am better able to feel compassion for myself as I look back at what I was going through during those trying times in my life when I may not have behaved as well as I could/should have.

     We are all entitled to a new beginning. Everyone has had challenging experiences in their lives where we may have behaved badly. It's what we learn from them that matters and, hopefully, moves us forward. I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to leave the past in the past and look forward to the future. I do not need to let what happened in the past define who I am now, nor who I will become. This is one of the blessings of repentance, forgiveness, and the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As a result of having gone through this experience I am better able to turn the hurt and sorrow over to God, and let it go in order to move into a happier, healthier, and more peaceful and joy-filled future.
    
O Remember, Remember (Henry B. Eyring)
http://youtu.be/DF01BQAcj8E

Change of Heart



Change of Heart (Jim Brickman and Olivia Newton John)
http://youtu.be/_n4rzwX_GUA

     I have had lots of time to think about my life lately because of my current life circumstances. I wonder if this might be the reason why God has placed some of the challenges in my path of late. I feel I am at a crossroad in my life. I look behind and see my life as a child and as a parent and all that went with that, and look before me and see what life might bring in the future. I see that I am at a pivotal and critical time in my life choices. I have read about this time in a woman's life and how that sometimes feelings and emotions that have often been suppressed for years tend to surface. I find that I just can't "stuff it" or shove them back underground like I have done for many years. At times it feels like I am riding an emotional roller coaster and I don't know how to get off!

     Some days are more manageable than others. For example, I recently had an experience that brought to the surface a character weakness of mine that I thought I had conquered years ago! It seems that as life cycles around and around, hopefully spiraling upward, that at some times these situations come back to haunt me and need to be re-addressed and dealt with. I find this to be especially true if it is an issue that I "stuffed" or shoved aside earlier in my life journey because for whatever reason I didn't want to deal with it then. With this particular weakness I have felt embarrassed or ashamed about it because it was not what "good girls" are supposed to feel. But I am finding that if the issues haven't been dealt with in a productive and healing way the first time around, they resurface later on at vulnerable times in my life and demand to be dealt with then. Such is the nature of my latest revelation.

   It is a hard thing to see your weakness put blatantly in front of your face, and then realize that you aren't who you thought you were or who you would like to be. It certainly isn't very flattering or positive. It is also difficult to realize I cannot "fix" this by myself because I have tried - over and over again. The habit track of reacting this way is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that I'm not even sure where to start to fix it. But "they" say that recognition is the first step to healing it, so I think I am on the right track so far. It will take some time, prayer and patience to work through this and hopefully overcome it, eventually turning it into a character strength. I believe that with God all things are possible, but I also feel like "Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief". I know it will take a leap of faith and trust in an all wise and knowing God in order to be able to turn this over to him and allow him to "fix" it. This is a hard thing for us "control freaks" to do, but I am so tired of dealing with this one that I am willing to try. It has disrupted my peace of mind and sucked the joy out of my life for the last time! It is time to "let go and let God". Time to surrender. I have to fight the urge to retain any part of it because if I do that I will never be free from it.

      So maybe this crossroad in my life journey, this point in time, really is about me after all. Maybe it's finally my turn to work some of this out and decide who I want to be and how I want to live the rest of my life. What a revelation! The trick for me will be allowing myself permission to take this time for me to figure it all out. I have taken care of everyone else but me for so long, this feels pretty selfish, scarey and overwhelming right now. I feel like a bird whose mother has just pushed her out of the nest and said fly - but without any instructions.

     Yesterday I "found" a necklace with a circular charm with the word "Greatness" engraved on it. Lying on top of the circle is another charm, a gold star. The card to which it was attached said: "The pursuit of Greatness is always daring, and calls forth our True potential. Never underestimate Your power for greatness. Wear this pendant as a symbol that greatness lives within you."  I may make some mistakes along the way, but I also know that I have to try, otherwise I will stagnate and die. Grow or die, it seems like I have heard (and said) that before. I will discover "what lies within" me and under God's watchful eye  - I will fly.

It's My Turn (Diana Ross)
http://youtu.be/veJl__sjDt4

Phoenix

When You Have Your Health....

Every Breath You Take (The Police)

http://youtu.be/_wsMEj2ZfW8

     "They" say that when you have your health you have everything. My recent bout with a nasty virus has caused me to ponder on this truth. It all started with some congestion in my chest and some slight wheezing. The weather was changing abruptly - again - so I just thought it was my body trying to adjust to the barometric pressure shift. Twenty-four hours later I felt like I had been hit by a truck! After many days and hours of rest, pumping Coldeze, Sambucol, Luden's Cherry Flavored cough drops and eventually some Theraflu (at night so I could finally sleep) into my system, and watching way too many hours of television, I have survived. This experience has given me a new appreciation for good health. This morning, after more than a week, I could actually take a deep breath without coughing, and I finally had a good night's sleep! Life is good!

    It has been a long time since I was this ill. I have had other health challenges within the past year or so, but this one seemed to be the one that tried my patience the most. There is definitely a mind/body connection when it comes to one's health.  There is nothing quite as unsettling as feeling like you have little control over your health and what is happening inside of your body or your mind. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to live with a chronic illness or disease every day of one's life. It must be very difficult to endure and remain positive and upbeat. I'll admit it, I am not a good sick person. In fact, one of my greatest fears is that I will lose my health, but still keep my mind and will. (I secretly hope that if I lose one I will also lose the other). To add to it, the side effects of the over-the-counter medications are worse than the illness is for me, so this is why I usually choose to take the homeopathic ones over the pharmaceutical company brands, if at all possible. 

     The past few months of health challenges have also caused me to re-evaluate the importance of taking better care of myself. I am certainly not getting any younger, and apparently not a lot healthier either. I think it is past time for me to get my act together and start doing something more about it. I just hope I am not too late to make the necessary changes for a better, healthier me. I know that I will be limited at this time in my life as to what type of exercise I will be able to do, especially considering my back/leg/knee/ankle issues. I used to bike much more frequently than I have the past few years and I always enjoyed it, but the added weight and joint issues have kept me from participating.  I could return to that but would most likely need to "graduate" to a recumbent bike due to my back and leg issues. Swimming is another healthy option. However, I am not a very good swimmer and I really dislike smelling of chlorine, not to mention how dry my skin gets and (gulp) the thought of putting a bathing suit on this out-of-shape body and being seen in public! I used to participate in a water exercise class and I really liked it, perhaps that would be a good place to start again, if my leg and knee can take the motion and jarring. If not, there is always Yoga - great exercises for the mind and body connections.

     My mother used to say that growing old was not all it was cracked up to be. "The golden years, aren't so golden". Aging is certainly not for sissys or the faint of heart. Sometimes one just has to set aside one's pride and take the plunge (no pun intended) and jump in with both feet. I have not felt as good as I could and should at this stage of my life. I haven't been as happy as I have been at times when I have taken better care of myself. I hope it is not too late to start over. It is time to start doing some research and focus on taking care of me - my body with physical exercise, my mind with learning new things, my soul. Since they are all connected perhaps if I start taking care of the one - the body - I will be better able to take care of the rest. It is also time to start accepting that I will never be as young as I was nor as old as I will be. The place to start is here, the time to start is now. 

Suddenly I See (KT Tunstall)

http://youtu.be/QrbO-Tw-mEY

(my apologies for the expletive - I didn't write it, I just used it ;-))

     

The Medium Is The Messenger

Operator, can you help me place this call? 

- Jim Croce

Hello (Neil Diamond)

http://youtu.be/K0MIKngHn_c

     The more things change, the more they stay the same. I was "chatting" online with my son (who lives 12 hours away) this morning and we were discussing his keeping in better touch with his siblings. He mentioned that it was "Hard to keep in touch when we are all spread out".  Recognizing this as a teaching moment, I decided to take advantage of it to share my thoughts with him. I mentioned how much easier it is to keep in touch in his present world than it was when I was in his situation so many years ago. When I was his age and living 2000 miles away from my family we didn't have such things as email, Skype, cell phones or texting. We had to pay exorbitant long distant phone call fees and/or write snail mail that took at least a week to get to it's destination. It was VERY hard to be so far away from my family, especially my parents. Many a family vacation was spent traveling to the West to see our family and maintain close family ties. Many Sunday evenings were spent on the telephone with my parents getting updates on my siblings. My siblings lived in the West and we were in the southern United States for many years, now we live in the Midwest. Most of my husband's family live in the West. At that time they were in different stages of their lives than we were at the time. I tried to send letters and cards for birthdays, but as my own children grew and my family responsibilities increased my priorities shifted. The distance drove us apart and we stopped communicating on a regular basis. 

     I have watched myself and my siblings struggle to maintain relationships long distance. In a time of need or crisis (like my parent's death), we are very good about staying in contact with each other. But as life settled back down and returned to some semblance of normalcy, we have drifted apart and become less connected that we were during that time of crisis. It takes effort on everyone's part to keep the lines of communication open and the relationships alive. Relationships are a two-way street. It is so easy to do the "out of sight, out of mind" thing when we don't live near to each other and see or contact each other so infrequently. Sure, we are still family and ultimately love each other, but what about being an active part of each others lives? I learned in one of my sociology courses that distance can drive us apart, and it takes an active, consistent effort by all to be able to maintain close family relationships. 

  In a phone call I received just after Christmas from my daughter, she mentioned the desire to stay in better contact with her siblings. It is also a desire of mine to see my children remain close in spite of the distances between them. Life is hard sometimes, and changes can happen quickly. We need to keep the communication ongoing, and put the effort into caring about and supporting one another. I do not want to let something that is as doable as simple communication long distance, cause us to drift apart. 

   So, one of my New Year's resolutions is to stay in better contact with my family members, and develop closer relationships with them. One of the ways I plan to do this is to make "meaningful monthly contacts" with them via Skype, email, texting, or telephoning. I want to develop a list of meaningful questions that I can ask to find out what is really going on in their lives and how they feel about things. My desire is to maintain close family relationships no matter the distance, time or space, because in the end these are the things that matter most and the things that will remain when someday I am gone.

Cat's in the Cradle (Harry Chapin)

http://youtu.be/-s5r2spPJ8g

Fix You? Fix Me!

Fix You (Coldplay)
http://youtu.be/Fuqkz_sZDos

      I had a difficult weekend. After a wonderful holiday break with three of my five children, I had just sent my youngest daughter back to college across the country. It felt like I was sending her back into a "den of lions" because of her living situation. It was hard to let her go, and I was feeling anxious, tired and vulnerable. I have to admit it was so nice to be able to be "checked out" of my real life for the three weeks of the break, and I sure wasn't expecting to get pulled back into reality in such a intense way.

     I received a text message on Saturday asking for me to do a favor for a friend. This "favor", in my opinion, meant the abdication of what I saw was their responsibility, not mine. I built in my pause, hesitating to accept the request. I felt a bit irritated by what I felt was an unreasonable request. I tried to wrap my head around how I could help, but not take on more than I felt was reasonable on my part. After a few moments I responded in a positive manner, with a caveat that I only do a portion of the task that I felt was reasonable for me to do, and adding that it would be dependent on my feeling comfortable after researching the task. Shortly thereafter I received another text removing the request for the favor altogether. At this point I was a little confused, but felt o.k. about the action. However, as events unfolded over the next 24 hours, I sensed that my friend had taken offense over something and had hurt feelings. She sent a series of messages to me indicating that she felt hurt by what had occurred. I was essentially ignorant of what was going on. I have tried to befriend this person, but felt that at this point I needed to put up some boundaries and protect myself and my family from the negativity and accusations that were being flung my direction, so I decided I had to cut off the communication.

     In addition to the above mentioned incident, I had another experience that also inflicted some pain my direction. Someone else was apparently offended by something that was supposedly done to them at my hands.  However, when the details were made clear, it became apparent what the situation actually was, how it came about, and that no offense or harm was ever intended toward the supposed victim of the offense. Hopefully, that is now cleared up and will not be "held against me" ever again. But, it too made me feel vulnerable and defensive.

    Yesterday, my daughter's first day of the new semester, she phoned with some possible solutions to the "lion's den" issue. She also shared with me how things were going that first day back at school, her anxiety and worries, fears, etc. I was already on overload from the previous few days and so I finally just sat down at my kitchen table and had a good cry! I was over tired, over wrought and anxious about what had been happening and I was unsure about how I was going to be able to withstand the issues, and be able to make my life manageable again with all of the chaos going on around me.  I wanted to quit!!  And so, I decided to say a little prayer and asked my Father in Heaven for help to know what to do. Almost immediately I felt peace and a prompting about what I need to do to be able to deal with and manage the circumstances in which I now find myself. For me, it was a miracle!!!

     Now, I am a caring person and I don't like to feel like I have caused another person pain. However, some in my sphere of consciousness don't seem to feel the same way about me, and don't seem to mind inflicting their "issues" onto me or others around me. I'm sure you know some of these people - the perpetual "victim". These "victims" think that we all need to allow them their weaknesses and idiosyncrasies at the expense of our own peace of mind and quality of life.  I have decided that at some point, I have to be able to draw the line, put up the boundaries that I need to in order to protect myself and my loved ones from the "arrows" that are pointed in our direction. I refuse to be the target any longer. I cannot "fix" them or their "issues", but I can "fix" me and decide not to let that element into my sphere of consciousness to effect me and my peace and happiness. This is a big step for me because I tend to be a "pleaser". I am learning that sometimes to be a "pleaser" means giving up pieces of yourself - your dignity, your self-esteem, your peace and your sanity by allowing another person to dictate to you how they think you should be treating them. When in reality, they need to take a good long look in the mirror and examine their own flaws and fix them themselves, not expect me or anyone else to do it for them. Believe me, I have enough flaws and challenges of my own to deal with, I do not need to fix theirs as well.

    In reality, we all have things about ourselves that we need to work on, and I'm not just talking about what people might see on the outside. Things that might be changed by dieting (a whole other issue for me - especially this time of year) or by cosmetic procedures. We all need to have a good "heart examination" and take a deep, long look inside of us. Where is our heart? Are we inflicting our "issues" or pain onto another because of one of our own weaknesses or "pet peeves"? Whose responsibility is it to "fix" us anyway? As I have learned from my own experiences, there is One to whom we can truly turn when we find ourselves facing these issues and challenges. One who truly cares and One who knows what we need and how to "fix" us. A loving Heavenly Father.

   I have started to keep a penny in a small plastic bag on my desk. Why do I do this? Because, as you will recall, the saying "In God We Trust" is engraved on the penny. This is the side that I tend to keep up and see when I look down at that penny. It serves as a reminder to me in whom I can place my trust and to whom I can look when I need help and guidance to help me with the challenges and "issues" that I face on a regular basis. Maybe this is something that might help you too. The peace of mind that is gained from doing this is priceless. What have you got to lose?  Only the cost of a penny and a glance.

  

It's a Miracle (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/bf3IBf7uL9k

    

The Gift I Gave Myself

“Life is God's gift to man,

what we do with that life is our gift to God.”

Simple Gifts (Jim Brickman)
http://youtu.be/VyfNVVou878

     I recently ran across this writing I did almost 12 years go. I had "hit the wall" and knew that something in my life needed to change because what I was doing wasn't working well. It was the beginning of a long and arduous journey to a more abundant life.  This year has been one with many challenges but also many blessings, especially my working with the Family Support Group. This experience has been such a great blessing to my life and has been one of the most significant steps I have taken along . . .

My Path to Simple Abundance

December 25, 2000

What am I doing with my life? What are the aspirations of my heart my dreams, wishes, desires. So long I've put them on the shelf, tabled to a time later in my life a less hectic time, a calmer time, a time of fewer demands. In doing so I have found I spend so much time rushing from here to there, for this or that, that my life is empty – void of the dreams, wishes and desires that make life worth living.  I am in search of the peace, comfort and joy I know is out there somewhere ever elusive. The Scriptures tell us that “man is that he might have joy” (2 Nephi 2:25) and ”I am come that they might have joy, and that they might have it more abundantly” (John 10:10). This is the gift I have received this Christmas -- this and the book Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach, from my friend, Sheila.

                As I ponder my dreams and aspirations a few things come to my mind:

     *To find daily peace and satisfaction in what I am doing right now, at this moment in my life.

     *To not feel the need to please everyone more than or instead of myself.

     *To feel and be happy and not be afraid to share those feelings with those around me.

     *To not worry about what others say, think or do -- or how it might affect me.

     *To freely give of my time, talents, and means without feeling worried or concerned or put out by doing so.

     *To be able to say no to things I don't really want to do or have time to do, and not feel guilty for doing so.

     *To feel joy and satisfaction in loving and serving my family and friends.

     *To appreciate and feel appreciated.

     *To use and share my creative abilities and talents. 

     *To begin or restart a long-shelved hobby or talent.

     *To not fear but have enough faith and trust in God and myself to know that “everything will work together for good”.

     *To see the good, feel good, be good -- in spite of what goes on around me.

     *To love deeply and totally, without reservation.

     *To relax and enjoy the ride of life more.

     *God has given me so much; to be able to share more freely what He has given me.

     *To some day return to school and pursue that elusive bachelor’s degree.

     *To put into practice, the gospel of Jesus Christ, and see that it does work and it does bring abundance and happiness.

     *To learn how to handle the stresses of my life -- to control them, not let them control me.

     *To discover a new talent I have, but I didn't know I had.

     *To be aware of the needs of my children, my husband, and how to meet those needs to the best of my ability and feel good about doing it.

     *To have sufficient for our needs so I don't have to worry about money, especially in November and December.

     *To be better organized -- especially on my desk and the clutter in the dining room.

     *To feel more in control of my life and my emotions.  Take better care of myself physically and emotionally and mentally.

     *Learn how to meditate and relax.

     *Be more patient with myself and others.

     *To be the daughter of God I am meant to be.

      *To feel the Christmas spirit before December 25.

          This is the start of my path to simple abundance, this is where I begin.

     While I don't feel like I am completely "there" yet, as I read this I am amazed at what remarkable progress I feel I have made along this path. I am so thankful that I took the time to clarify my thoughts and to write them down for my future reference. "A goal unwritten is merely a wish", and it brings a deep sense of satisfaction to see the progress I have made along my path. Reviewing this list also helps to clarify where I still need to do some work. I think that this year I will repeat this exercise and write down some new dreams and aspirations to work toward, since I can now cross some of these items off of the list. As Socrates once said, "An unexamined life is not worth living", and I couldn't agree more. With God, nothing is impossible, so I will put my hand in His and together we will move onward and upward.

Put Your Hand In the Hand

 http://youtu.be/hxh_EDrL_uE

Peace - You Find It Where the Heart Is



The Heart of the Matter (Don Henley)

http://youtu.be/dyLvZ9uC9F4

     Like the beginning of this song by Don Henley, "I got the call today I didn't want to hear, but I knew that it would come". It was inevitable considering the situation and the personality of the individual to whom I am referring. In this case it wasn't about hearing of an old flame finding another love, but of an old relationship needing mending. Ironically, it is nearing the anniversary of the event that split the relationship into pieces in the first place. It all has to do with a complicated relationship, inheritance money and who will take responsibility for each. Long story short, it's also about forgiveness and finding peace.

     Earlier this year I made the effort to mend this long broken relationship by initiating an email apology to the individual involved, even though I did not see myself as the one at fault in the situation. I felt the relationship was important enough to me to try to repair it if at all possible, so I initiated the truce. Of course, this person had know idea about my view of what happened and the damage that was done.  I was allowing this situation to cause me anxiety and guilt, and the individual involved knew nothing of my discomfort nor could they really have cared less about it. Needless to say, they didn't see things the same way as I did. Perhaps some if it was a result of my own unrealistic expectations of what I thought the relationship "should be"; what they should have done, or been, or should be to me in my life. It has become obvious to me that what I would like to have happen is never going to happen in this situation. I think I have finally gotten to the point where I am o.k. with this fact. After many years I have been able to forgive and put to rest the issue that resulted in the broken relationship in the first place. As a result, we can now both calmly and rationally discuss this current situation from a place of caring, understanding and forgiveness.

      I will not lie and say that this phone call didn't, once again, bring a few tears at the conclusion of the call. But this time they were tears of understanding and maybe a little relief. They were also tears of grief over the reality of the situation and the loss of what might have once been, but now will likely never be. It is time to grow up and face the facts. I have finally seen it for what it really is. Yes I am disappointed, but I am also realistic enough to know that this time it is what it is, and just because I want it to be a different way doesn't make it so. It takes two to have a relationship and, as much as I would desire one, the other party in the relationship is content with the status quo.

     So, after many years and tears, I am able to be at peace with it all. What a liberating feeling that is! The knowledge that I have absolutely done all that I can do to make this relationship work and knowing that now the rest is up to the other party involved, brings great peace to my heart and mind. No longer will I continue to hold on to the hope that something different will ever come of it, because it most likely will not - at least in this lifetime - ever happen. It is what it is and until more effort is expended on the part of the other party involved, it will remain what it is. I do not feel the need to expend any more of my time or energy into a losing situation.

    This experience gives more meaning to the yuletide phrase "peace on earth, goodwill to men". I have longed to have peace about this situation for so long, and now I finally feel it. What a gift!  I can honestly say that I feel goodwill to this person. I am sincerely glad to hear that things have worked out well for them, that things continue to go well for this person, that they are happy and content with their life.

    Two very important life lessons I can take from this experience are these:



First -

and second -

Peace - You find it where the heart is!

Peace (Jim Brickman)

http://youtu.be/Pvx74fkqTwk