Reality Check: Notes from a Younger Self

Reality Check: Notes from a Younger Self

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Somewhere (Barbra Streisand/Josh Groban)
http://youtu.be/aPgqeVROE_4

I have recently been re-reading some notes and quotes I copied. They were taken from readings of wise authors over the years.  I wanted to keep them safely in one spot so as to be able to reference them when I needed to. I started keeping these notes in a spiral-bound journal that I started in December of 2000, when I was having a mid-life crisis of sorts. I was looking for meaning, joy and happiness that I did not seem to be able to find in my day to day life at that time. I started searching for some answers to the bigger questions in my life, and as a result I started reading some great books written by some very wise people. Marianne Williamson, Cheryl Richardson, Sarah Ferguson - The Duchess of York, Sarah Ban Breathnach, to name a few. One of those quotes by "wise people" turned out to be mine!

I wrote an entry titled "Reality Check". It was a list I compiled for myself to read so as to be able to face some realities in my life that I was not wanting to face and deal with. After re-reading this I think I want to share it here for my own children to read someday, when they have to face the realities of their own life. Perhaps by putting it here it will give them the courage to face their own fears and realities. Maybe they will better understand me and the way I saw things back then, too. I have changed much over the past 17 years (life has a way of doing that to you) but the wisdom is still relevant and timeless.

Reality Check

September 1, 2001

 - I'll never be 20 years old again. I'll never be 30 or 35 or 40 years old again.

- I'm never going to weigh 130 lbs again, but now I exercise to feel better and stay healthy, not just to lose weight.

 - I'm never going to be able to live by my parents again in this life. Mom's gone. Dad won't live forever (he passed away in 2005). Time to "get a life" here." It's not about where you live, but how you live.

 - It's time to start "living in the moment" and enjoying who I am, where I am, and what I have/do. "Enjoy life, this is not a dress rehearsal."

 - We are never going to have enough money to be able to do all I would like to do, so do what we can, when we can, where we can and be grateful we can!

 - I won't be (fill in the blank)  forever, so do your best now so you have no regrets when the release comes, and endure to the end.

 - Don't fear the future callings, they are in the Lord's hands. "Always follow faith and never fear".

 - My children are growing up and away. Hopefully to someday be capable, responsible adults. Enjoy them while you still can.

 - Life holds no guarantees, just miracles and blessings for those open to receive and perceive them.

 - Don't quit!

What a blessing that I wrote this down! As I look back I can see the wisdom in living these words. Maybe I would add one more...

- Life is short, buy the shoes! ;-)

Who I Was Born to Be

"You either walk inside your story and own it

or you stand outside your story and

hustle for your worthiness." 

- Brene Brown

Who I Was Born to Be (Susan Boyle w/lyrics)
http://youtu.be/mhXYHRS5aDo

       My thoughts have been wandering as I approach another birthday, and they have led me to this particular song. As a child I loved to sing. I would often stand on my front porch and watch the birds flying among the trees and try to imitate their songs, thinking I was somehow talking to them. I would stand there and sing songs. Some of these songs were familiar, but often they were of my own creation. I would sing about whatever I felt like. Music has always touched me in a special place inside of my soul, a place that feels intimately mine and very safe. Music has saved my sanity and, quite possibly, my life at times.

     I have been on a journey of self-discovery over the past few years. I have learned a lot about myself on this journey, most recently (with the help of a good therapist) the realization that I have a "highly sensitive personality". I had no idea there even was such a thing until my therapist recommended I read the book, The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron. As I read through this book, lights and bells and whistles began going off; it was one "aha' moment followed by another! It was me that she was writing about. I have always felt different than most people I have known in my life, but I never understood why. I always thought it was something wrong with me, so I have tried to change me to try to better fit in with those around me. It never worked, and I always came away feeling disappointed, lost and inadequate. As it turns out, I have a minority personality type (only about 20% of the population manifest this type of personality). No wonder I have always felt different and like I didn't belong in this world!

     Upon further exploration, I have also connected the dots with Brene Brown's, Power of Vulnerability, and Carol Tuttle's, Type 2 - soft, subtle energy profile (more on this in later blogs) I am beginning to see myself so much more clearly now - what motivates me, what cripples me and where and why I need to set clear and definite boundaries. I am still the same person I have always been, but now I am finally understanding why I am the way I am, and that it is o.k. to be that way - that is "who I am was born to be". I may not have found all of the answers, but at least I now know more than I ever have and I feel very liberated. I understand that I truly am not like everyone else, and that it is o.k. not to be. I am enough and I am okay just the way I am. I am who Heavenly Father made me to be. He created me this way, and I am trying my best to fulfill the measure of that creation to the best of my ability. I have always understood that not everyone will always like me or understand why I do what I do, but I have gifts that this world is in desperate need of, such as a large capacity to love, kindness, gentleness, patience, empathy, and peacefulness. I have also learned that this personality trait runs in families (much like "the force" in Star Wars). My father had it (I suspect his mother had it), my daughter has it (and my son too, I believe, though it tends to be harder for guys to manifest because of the world's view of masculinity). It is not something of which to be ashamed, it is something to be embraced and celebrated!

    I feel like I am finally coming out of a very dark place. For so long I felt like Winnie the Pooh with that little black rain cloud always following me (or maybe more like Eeyore "thanks for noticing me").  I feel empowered and more confident because I now know who I am and who I am meant to be, and that it is good, in fact, great to be that person! I truly am unique (something I have always wanted to be). I am special. I am me...and I am enough.

"Because true belonging only happens 

when we present our authentic, 

imperfect selves to the world.

Our sense of belonging 

can never be greater 

than our level of self-acceptance." 

- Brene Brown, The Gift of Imperfection

I Love You Just the Way You Are (Billy Joel)
http://youtu.be/vBZnGk1nAjw

When You Have Your Health....

Every Breath You Take (The Police)

http://youtu.be/_wsMEj2ZfW8

     "They" say that when you have your health you have everything. My recent bout with a nasty virus has caused me to ponder on this truth. It all started with some congestion in my chest and some slight wheezing. The weather was changing abruptly - again - so I just thought it was my body trying to adjust to the barometric pressure shift. Twenty-four hours later I felt like I had been hit by a truck! After many days and hours of rest, pumping Coldeze, Sambucol, Luden's Cherry Flavored cough drops and eventually some Theraflu (at night so I could finally sleep) into my system, and watching way too many hours of television, I have survived. This experience has given me a new appreciation for good health. This morning, after more than a week, I could actually take a deep breath without coughing, and I finally had a good night's sleep! Life is good!

    It has been a long time since I was this ill. I have had other health challenges within the past year or so, but this one seemed to be the one that tried my patience the most. There is definitely a mind/body connection when it comes to one's health.  There is nothing quite as unsettling as feeling like you have little control over your health and what is happening inside of your body or your mind. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to live with a chronic illness or disease every day of one's life. It must be very difficult to endure and remain positive and upbeat. I'll admit it, I am not a good sick person. In fact, one of my greatest fears is that I will lose my health, but still keep my mind and will. (I secretly hope that if I lose one I will also lose the other). To add to it, the side effects of the over-the-counter medications are worse than the illness is for me, so this is why I usually choose to take the homeopathic ones over the pharmaceutical company brands, if at all possible. 

     The past few months of health challenges have also caused me to re-evaluate the importance of taking better care of myself. I am certainly not getting any younger, and apparently not a lot healthier either. I think it is past time for me to get my act together and start doing something more about it. I just hope I am not too late to make the necessary changes for a better, healthier me. I know that I will be limited at this time in my life as to what type of exercise I will be able to do, especially considering my back/leg/knee/ankle issues. I used to bike much more frequently than I have the past few years and I always enjoyed it, but the added weight and joint issues have kept me from participating.  I could return to that but would most likely need to "graduate" to a recumbent bike due to my back and leg issues. Swimming is another healthy option. However, I am not a very good swimmer and I really dislike smelling of chlorine, not to mention how dry my skin gets and (gulp) the thought of putting a bathing suit on this out-of-shape body and being seen in public! I used to participate in a water exercise class and I really liked it, perhaps that would be a good place to start again, if my leg and knee can take the motion and jarring. If not, there is always Yoga - great exercises for the mind and body connections.

     My mother used to say that growing old was not all it was cracked up to be. "The golden years, aren't so golden". Aging is certainly not for sissys or the faint of heart. Sometimes one just has to set aside one's pride and take the plunge (no pun intended) and jump in with both feet. I have not felt as good as I could and should at this stage of my life. I haven't been as happy as I have been at times when I have taken better care of myself. I hope it is not too late to start over. It is time to start doing some research and focus on taking care of me - my body with physical exercise, my mind with learning new things, my soul. Since they are all connected perhaps if I start taking care of the one - the body - I will be better able to take care of the rest. It is also time to start accepting that I will never be as young as I was nor as old as I will be. The place to start is here, the time to start is now. 

Suddenly I See (KT Tunstall)

http://youtu.be/QrbO-Tw-mEY

(my apologies for the expletive - I didn't write it, I just used it ;-))

     

We Dreamers Have Our Ways....

I Made It Through the Rain (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/wlQPnNy6JR0

     I thought I had "retired" from teaching piano lessons when, surprise, I was approached by two individuals recently who expressed a desire to have me teach their children to play the piano. One of them was the parent of a former student who had decided to take some time off to regroup following a family crisis. The other was a family who is new to the area and upon learning that I have taught, approached me to teach their child to learn to play. I was both pleased and surprised by their requests.

     I have always tried to willingly and openly share my knowledge and talent with others. I began teaching lessons back in 1989, when my first child was about 18 months old. We were fairly new on our path into the world of parenting and living on our own. My husband had taken a job in another state that was far away from where I was born and raised. We were fairly fresh out of college and this was our first "real" salaried job. We tried hard to be able to live on his salary alone, but we were struggling to make ends meet.

    One day I decided I needed to do something to help stretch our budget, but what? I had a two-year diploma in Secretarial Training/Administrative Support, but I had not worked since the birth of our son. We were now living in a different state than where I had worked previously using that degree, and I was unsure where I would be able to find any employment. I was also very concerned about the care and welfare of my son. If I went back to work outside of the home, who would take care of him? I had no family members nearby and few friends. So, I did what I try to always due when faced with these kinds of dilemmas - I prayed and asked God what I should do.

    I remember explaining to Heavenly Father our dilemma. I explained how I desired to help out with the family finances, but that I felt I also needed to be home with our son. I needed something that I could do, I could feel good about and something that was mine. The answer came to me, "teach piano lessons". I had studied piano for many years growing up and felt confident that I had enough skills to be able to teach others how to play. But where to begin?

      I lacked a piano and teaching experience. God took care of these concerns. I happened to have a friend who had children that took piano lessons and she gave me some information and pointers that her children's teacher used with them. Upon asking around in my church community, I came across an individual who had a piano that was in storage and not being used. She was willing to give me the piano in exchange for teaching her to play. The only thing we had to do was go and pick up the piano and move it into our home. And so it began....

    I have been teaching for more than 20 years now and I have learned a lot about how to succeed as a business owner, and how to help my students succeed at learning to play the piano. God has placed people and resources in my path that have helped me all along the way. When I look back over those years of teaching I can't count how many times the little amount of money I brought in teaching piano lessons gave us just enough to have what we needed. It was and is truly a calling from God and a blessing in my life. It is one of my life purposes, though admittedly I sometimes haven't seen it that way.

    When I returned to college a few years ago I decided to put my piano lesson business onto the back burner and limit my teaching. I felt I needed to do that in order to be able to keep up with my classes and the homework demands. While I enjoyed getting my schooling, I missed my teaching. It was a nice change of pace, and maybe the sabbatical that I needed in order to help me appreciate what I had - and the fact that it truly is a calling from God for me.

     I will be forever grateful to my parents who started me playing and supported me financially and physically all throughout my journey. I am also very grateful to the 4 women who taught me how to play the piano, and to do it well. They were terrific mentors and role models for me as I began my own piano teaching business. I am thankful for the woman who gave me the piano that got me started, and for the beautiful piano that once sat in my parent's house and now sits in mine. It is truly a privilege and a gift from God to be able to share my talent and love of music with future generations. My hope is that they too will come to appreciate and use what they are learning to make this world a more beautiful place to live. in my dreams....

Self-worth or Self-esteem?

"When we strive to see each other as our Father sees us,

we will look not on the outward appearance and

imperfections of a brother or sister or ourselves,

not on the person that we are,

but on the angel we may become."

 

-Ardeth Greene Kapp

 

You Are Loved (Josh Groban)

http://youtu.be/EBSwA8pMgrA

 

     This week I would like to share a more personal note. This is an edited letter I recently wrote to my daughters regarding self-worth. It is something that I think we all can learn from and need to be reminded of from time to time. Thank you for indulging me :-).

 

My dear daughters,

 

     I have had a lot of time to read and think over these past few weeks and I feel a need to share this with you. This has been weighing heavily on my mind, especially in light of what some of you have respectively been going through in their life experiences.   A lot of my sharing comes from a book by Ardeth Greene Kapp called Doing What We Came Here To Do: Living a Life of Love. As you may know, Sister Kapp is a former General Young Women's President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and has been a valuable and cherished mentor to me throughout my adult life. The chapter that I will take these quotes from is entitled "A Feeling of Worth". I think that as women we aren't always valued as much as Our Heavenly Father, or we, would like for us to be. I have come to learn that it is the nature of mortality; for some reason (perhaps the "original sin" doctrine of Eve) women seem to hold a perceived less valuable place in society. However this being said, this is not how our Heavenly Parents, especially our Heavenly Father views things. One of my greatest desires is for you to come to understand your worth as divine daughters of Our Heavenly Father. This is also something with which I have struggled in my life, and my wish and hope is that you will not have to experience the same struggles I have had with this. This is the reason I am deciding to share this with you now.

 

    In her book, Sister Kapp shares these truths:

 

     "Feeling loved, with an assurance of our infinite worth, has a tremendous effect on our ability to accept and love others. To feel loved is to feel valued, accepted, and appreciated for who we "really" are and for who we are capable of becoming...."

 

     "This feeling of self-worth comes from an inner sense of our true eternal identity as a son or daughter of God. Self-worth cannot be earned. It is a part of our divine nature as children of God. Looking inside ourselves with an eternal perspective of our divine heritage and infinite worth allows us to be more receptive to expressions of love and to express love."

 

     " The source of all righteous love is centered in God. A feeling of self-worth comes from an understanding of who we were, who we are, and who we will always be. We did not come to this earth to gain our worth; we brought it with us."

 

     "....Self-worth cannot be increased or decreased. The worth of every soul that has ever lived is absolute and infinite. It is the same for everyone. No matter what our circumstances or appearance or social status, we have worth as God's creations!"

 

     "There is a difference between self-esteem and self-worth. Self-esteem is defined as "a confidence and satisfaction in oneself" (Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, s.v. "self-esteem"). In other words, it's your perspective of yourself." (MUCH different than self-worth?)

 

     "....Circumstances of life appear to have a tremendous influence on self-esteem, to the extent that people who have been verbally, emotionally, or physically abused may even respond as they have been treated. In the movie My Fair Lady, Eliza Doolittle tells Henry Higgins, "The difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated." That's a challenge we all face - to not allow our perception of ourselves to be negatively impacted by the way we might sometimes be treated.

 

    "On the other hand, self-worth cannot be earned or affected by anything that may happen in this life. Worth is constant and unchanging. It is a fact that worthiness does not determine worth. You cannot sin enough to change your worth to the Lord who loves you." (A profound truth!!!)

 

     "When we experience a feeling of God's view of our worth, we are better able to feel His unconditional love for us, to remember who we really are, and to believe we are who God says we are - a son or daughter of God with a divine inheritance." (So, when we are feeling unloved or unlovable we need to ask ourselves "What happened?" "Why do I feel this way?" Heavenly Father's opinion of us did not change, so on whose opinion are we basing our evaluation of ourselves?)

 

     "....It is not until you and I comprehend the magnitude of our eternal destiny - who we are and Whose we are - and find peace, regardless of life's circumstances, that we reach our potential. Recognizing our self-worth controls ultimately our ability to love God, to love others, to love life, and to love ourselves." (In other words, it doesn't matter where you live, but how you live.)

 

     "The need to feel loved is basic to our ability to love one another and to believe in every person's divine nature and individual worth. This inner assurance releases a powerful force for good. When we strive to see each other as our Father sees us, we will look not on the outward appearance and imperfections of a brother or sister or ourselves, not on the person that we are, but on the angel we may become." (Herein is the key - because life can throw us some unexpected and sometimes undeserving curve balls. Some circumstances may be or are beyond our own control, whether it be a crappy boss, loss, poor health, difficult roommates or relationships, they are unfortunately a part of our mortal journey. But, if we can see ourselves and others as God sees us through these circumstances, we can come through them with grace, greater strength, greater appreciation for what God has blessed us with, and the ability to continue to work toward our goal of exaltation in His kingdom - become the angels he intends for us to be. Therefore, we are twice blessed as we lovingly accept ourselves and bless others through our loving acceptance and understanding).

 

    Feel it, believe it, live it and it will be a great blessing to your life and help you to manage and cope as you face the challenges of life and trials of adversity that are a part of this mortal experience.

 

With much love.

Walk Tall, You're A Daughter of God

http://youtu.be/mHANOO2vq3E



"To Every Thing There is a Season"





“Fall. Stand. Learn. Adapt.”
― Mike Norton, Fighting For Redemption: Hangambiiki

Where Do I Go From Here? (England Dan and John Ford Coley)

http://youtu.be/sDdyA7Ka40Q

    Autumn seems to always make me very introspective and nostalgic. I have recently been re-reading through some of my handwritten journal entries for the past few years. It is interesting to read my thoughts and experiences from this side of them. When I am going through the events I feel like I just have to write to get the feelings out of me and on to the page. As I read them in retrospect, I see attitudes that I have miss-taken and some character weaknesses that need to be revised. That is one of the beauties of keeping a consistent journal, I can learn from my writings and understand where I need to adapt, and what course corrections I need to make along my life path.

    It's comforting and reassuring to know that I can adjust my patterns and thinking, I can change. I don't have to, nor do I want to, repeat the undesirable patterns. There have been times in my life when I have felt a little "lost" and a little unsure of where to go or what to do next. It seems that when I take the time to read through my journals I get a better sense of who I am, where I came from, and what direction I need to go next to become who I want to be. Some of my choices I am not proud of,  and those are the times that I beat myself up a little and feel ashamed; but they are also the times that make me want to change my course and learn from them, correct myself and not repeat the same mistakes.

     Other entries make me feel good about how I handled a particular situation which could have turned out really bad. The writing has kept me on an even keel and let me vent my frustrations and feelings in a "safe place", before I reacted and did something that I know I would have regretted later. I think sometimes we just need "someone" to "talk" to, someone to tell us we aren't "lost". My journal does that for me.

     When I am in a bad place in life it has helped me to reread about a time in my life when I was in a really good place. A time when I felt secure, confident, wise. When I reread what I wrote at those times and I take the time to pause and think about what my wiser self wrote, I am amazed that it came out of me! It motivates me, inspires me to keep going, and to once again try harder to get beyond whatever it is I am struggling with that is keeping me from being my best self.

     To me, life spirals in cycles. I think of our life cycles much like the seasons of the year, and they often correspond. Like the changing of the seasons, we have our time to be introspective. We have our time of  hibernation (or incubation?), to rest, renew, and regroup. We are still living, still growing (sometimes more than we know), even when we appear to be dormant. When the "season shifts" we are then better able to break forth and blossom, baffling the world with our brilliance! (Well, at least we hope so ;-)). "To every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven." (Ecclesiastes 3:1). I guess it's time to bring out the sweaters and turn on the heat....

"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."

[Albert Camus]

 

Lost (Michael Buble)

http://youtu.be/LFq3HIEucjs

The Awakening



King of Anything (Sara Bareilles)
http://youtu.be/RPk4_XfYhjg

The Awakening

(Author Unknown)

"A time comes in your life when you finally get it ....

When, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting, and crying or struggling to hold on.
And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change...or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.

You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tail endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are...and that's o.k. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...

And in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties...and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, and what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live; who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you own your parents, family and friends.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with...and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly o.k....and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve...and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone... and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR, itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in it's most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can."

Childhood and Learning to Love Yourself

“You must love yourself before you love another.

 By accepting yourself and fully being what you are,

your simple presence can make others happy.”

 - Author Unknown -

Greatest Love of All (Whitney Houston)

http://youtu.be/IYzlVDlE72w

      (The loss of such a great artist as Whitney Houston, at such a young age, is such a tragedy. God bless Whitney Houston and her family. May she finally rest in peace.)

      This song, originally performed by Whitney Houston, is one that I have always loved. I think I love it because the words have resonated so much with me over the course of my life. I have always believed that "children are our future", that we should "teach them well and let them lead the way". That we should "show them all the beauty they possess inside" and "give them a sense of pride, to make it easier. Let the children's laughter remind us who we used to be."

     I think that much of my love for children comes from their ready love and acceptance of me. I think I also admire their untainted innocence and love of life. I have always enjoyed being in their presence, and feel priviledged when I had the opportunity to do so. I have wanted to instill in my own children (and sometimes in others) a sense of their value and worth to God and to the world. Some of this desire stems from my church work over the years with children, but I think that it also comes from the loss of three of my own as a result of miscarriages. Losing something that you love (or want to love) so much, certainly makes you appreciate it much more and makes it all that much more precious when you do have the blessing of receiving it. This is one of the primary reasons that I chose to be a stay-at-home mother. I didn't want anyone else to raise the children with whom I had been blessed. I have learned so much from each of my children, much more than what they have learned from me. I think of how sad it would have been if I had never had them. (And this is why I get so angry when I hear of or see parents who abuse their precious children).

    I learned in my Sociology class last year, and again recently, that young people are waiting longer to marry. I also learned that when they do choose to marry they are waiting a longer time to have children, if they have any at all; and that the number of children that they are choosing to have is much smaller than it used to be. I think this is a real tragedy. Children are such a blessing! They teach us so much about ourselves, they give us unconditional love, and they give us such a wonderful perspective on the world and our (and their) place in it. They help us to overcome our own selfish tendencies and force us (or should force us) to change and become better people. They teach us to put another individuals needs above our own. As we sacrifice our own wants to the fulfill the needs of others, it forces us to"grow up" and to look at the world from a different perspective, and usually that is a very good thing. It is a good thing not only for ourselves and our families, but for the world at large. We come to realize that it isn't "all about us", but that we are just a small part of the whole. What we contribute to the whole, whether via ourselves or our children, depends on how we choose to live our lives and how we choose to teach our children how to live their lives. Children believe everything their parents teach them (for good or for bad), so we must be careful as to how we act and what we teach them. Having children should cause us to take a good long look at how we live our lives and what we want to teach our children about how to live theirs.

     For me, learning to love myself has been a lifetime challenge. I grew up in a stable home with two loving parents and two siblings. Our family wasn't perfect, but for the most part I had what I needed and I felt loved. I didn't understand until I was married and raising my own children, what a blessing that was in my life. As I have gone through life and heard about the life experiences of my peers and others around me, I have truly come to appreciate what it means to be "born of goodly parents". My parents were very good at instilling a sense of pride, self-respect and self-confidence in me. I think that I knew at a young age that I was "of worth". I learned at a young age that I was valuable, not only as a child of God, but as a member of my family. When I would have the inevitable "differences of opinion" with my peers (and my siblings), my parents always tried to made me feel accepted, loved and safe. I was able to develop skills and talents because of their encouragement and support. I gained confidence in myself and in my ability to succeed and triumph through difficulties and challlenges because of these opportunities. I was given a strong sense of moral values (a sense of right and wrong), standards and integrity.  This came not only from my parents but also from other leaders and mentors in my childhood and adolescence. I have learned things through making my own mistakes in life that I wouldn't want my children to have to experience. Sometimes these mistakes have caused me to doubt my judgment, have clouded my thinking and have caused me to question my worth. I think that one of the greatest challenges that we have as adults is to learn to love ourselves in spite of our foibles and faults. Ultimately though, I have come to learn that what or who I will be is up to me. What my life will turn out to be is the result of my choices and my actions.

    I have always been a pretty independent person, sometimes to a fault. I have had to make choices and take a stand on issues that were sometimes less than popular among my peers. It is important to me that when I look in the mirror, I want to be able to look myself in the eye and like who I see looking back at me. Sometimes these choices have "led me to a lonely place" because they haven't always been the easy or popular way of doing things. Sometimes my motives for doing things have been misinterpreted or misunderstood. When these times have come, I have had to rely on the knowledge of the love of my God for me, the love of my family for me and, last but not least, the love and respect I have for myself to give me strength and to get me through.

    Truly, learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all - and I think that it will be a lifelong pursuit for me to be able to achieve it. It is something of which I have to remind myself on a daily basis. "You are loveable and capable". My mantra (thanks to Josh Groban) had become:  "Don't give up ... because you are loved."

You Are Loved (Josh Groban)

http://youtu.be/EGLSk3AVcUU

Live, Laugh and Trust Yourself

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live" (Goethe)

The Innocent Age (Dan Fogelberg)
http://youtu.be/uunU0Aoup_I

     I have recently been going through some photographs and trying to get them organized into albums. I think it started when my sister asked for some pictures of her as a young child. She told me that she didn't have very many pictures of her from her childhood, and she wondered if there were any in the slides that I had inherited. I found many, as that seemed to be the preferred method of record keeping for my father back in the day. I was able to scan some onto my computer and send them to her. It was fun to see her at that age, as I am the youngest and never remember her during those years. There were some of her laughing and playing, dancing and posing. I was amazed as the happiness and innocence I saw in her face.

     I also found a few pictures of a younger me in the slides. It was fun to scan those and see what I looked like so many years ago. As I looked into the eyes of that toothless 5 year old, I was hit by the innocence and pure joy that I saw in my face at that young age.  There were some of me with my two siblings by my sides, holding my hands. A favorite is of me mimicking my sister's pose, our brother by my side, with a shot of a great canyon opening up behind us. I continued to look through the photos, and it seems that as I got older the joy and innocence disappeared from my face and the pictures reflected more seriousness and forced smiles. I was the youngest of three children, with mother that had a rheumatic heart condition who underwent 5 open heart surgeries in my life time. I think that the weight of growing up with those challenges showed on my face at times.

      Then I started compiling some photographs of my husband from his babyhood through about age 19. I wanted to put together a photographic "This is Your Life" for him to be able to see what has happened over his lifetime as he is approaching his 50th birthday. What a cute baby and young child he was! So much energy and lust for life. He was so loving and solicitious of his younger siblings (he is the oldest in his family). And how sweetly he interacts with his mother. Is it any wonder why I love him? As I went through these photos I saw events that occurred in his life that I was not a part of because we met in his young adult years. I learned more about who he was, what he valued and what his family valued as I saw the interactions in these photos.

     Finally, I then went through some more photos of our life together that I have been meaning to scrapbook over these past many years. In these photos I found pictures of each of our children at various ages and stages of life. It brought back a flood of memories of what life was like when they were younger. I remembered how we interacted with each other and what fun we had back then! I wondered how they view their "growing up" years, now that most of them are grown up and on their own.

    I think it is so sad how we often lose the love for life and the simple joy that we carried with us when we were children, or even when we had young children. Of course we all have to grow up, but it saddens me to lose the innocence and trust in myself that I had so strong when I was a child. I seemed to really know who I was back then. We all seemed to know what we loved, where we belonged, what we wanted to do, what we wanted to be (or at least we thought we did). We didn't care much about what was going on around us, as long as we were safe, well fed and loved. Thoughts of things like wars, death, taxes, financial worries or relationship challenges were the farthest things from our thoughts back then.

     But, life goes one and we grow with it. It is nice to be able to look back and reminisce about those times. I like to think that it doesn't mean that there can't be happy, fun times now. I guess it's all in the way we choose to look at things and in the way we choose to live our life. It's about choices after all, isn't it? I think it's a matter of really knowing ourselves and not losing ourselves, our true selves, along the sometimes rocky roads of life. Sometimes it takes things like looking at old photographs - looking at where we have been - to see how far we have come. Deep down we still have elements of those children inside of us, it's just that now we are trapped in adult bodies. Can we still reclaim the joy and fun of life? I think we can if we chose to look for it. Perhaps if we had more simple, innocent fun more frequently there would be a lot less incidents of suicide in middle age!

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/43714272/ns/today-today_health/t/suicide-spikes-among-middle-aged-women/

     The best years don't have to be behind us. The best can be yet to come. I think a lot of it depends on our point of view and our attitude. As we learn to love ourselves again, we can be our own best friend. It's a matter of trusting ourselves to know what we need; to not being afraid to ask for it and/or go out and get it. We can choose to give up and give in to life, or we can choose to keep going - to look for and find the joy and the fun. Try new things, get out of our comfort zones and be more than we are now. Life doesn't have to end at 30 or 40 or 50 or whenever, as long as we don't give up. It gives new meaning to the term "enduring to the end". The future looks bright when you chose to look on the bright side of life (Thank you, Monty Python ;-)). As a good friend used to always say, "Happiness is a choice". Yes, I guess it really is.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (Monty Python - of course)
http://youtu.be/JrdEMERq8MA

A Song to Sing



A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.”
― Maya Angelou

Unwritten (Natashia Bedingfield)
http://youtu.be/TtGY4G7II6s



      I have two tools that I use to help me "sing my song" of life. One of them is my life story, the other is my journal. I started writing my life story about six years ago, just after my father died. I was trying desperately to make some sense of what was happening in my life, both physically and emotionally. It was a very confusing and difficult time for me and I needed to feel grounded and get some sense of direction in my life. I decided that since both of my parents were gone there was really no one else who knew me and my life story better than me, and that I had better make a physical, written documentation of it. My mother and left a short autobiography before she died, but it was incomplete. My father left behind lots of documents and papers that I had to sort through and try to make sense of and piece together to come up with the story of his life (I was not happy about this). After that experience I vowed I would not leave the responsibility of telling "my story" to my children. So, I started writing my own autobiograpy and I continue to update it annually, usually in January, to keep it current. I want future generations to know who I am , what I did and what I value. I want them to know me. And, it helps me to reflect on my life - where I've been, where I am and where I am going.

     The other tool that I use is my journal. I have kept a journal since I was about twelve or thirteen years old. My early entrys were more like a daily log of my activities. I think that it has been since my parents died that I have been more diligent and detailed in my journal entries. It has become a sanctuary for me, a safe place where I can express my thoughts and feelings without fear, judgment or rejection. I love to write in my journal! It clears my mind of clutter and helps to organize my thoughts. It helps me to process issues that I am dealing with and helps me to clarify what course of action should be taken to resolve some worries or problems. I try to choose journals that "speak to me". I love to write in a journal that "says something" about my style or my preferences. I prefer bound journal books to spiral bound journals, and I love those that have inside pockets for momentos. I try to "free write" without any particular form and no judgments. I try to be sincere and write what is truly in my heart. I treasure these journals and enjoy going back and re-reading some of my entries. I have stored precious feelings and memories in them. I guess, in a way, they are an extension of who I am - the good, the bad and sometimes, the ugly. My hope is that some day my children and grandchildren may one day read them and come to know who I am. Perhaps some challenge that I have faced and resolved might help or inspire them through something in their life that they are experiencing. But for now, they are my source of self-discovery and peace. 

"Reaching for something in the distance 

so close you can almost taste it

release your inhibitions

feel the rain on your skin

no one else can feel it for you

only you can let it in

no one else

no one else

can speak the words on your lips

drench yourself in words unspoken

live your life with arms wide open

today is where your book begins

the rest is still unwritten."



Let your light shine!

Hidden Away (Josh Groban)

http://youtu.be/IU1NuDyUKEo

Light a Candle for Hope in the New Year

On this new day in the New Year

I light a candle for harmony and transformation

so that past regrets, dissappointments and losses no longer consume me.

I light a candle for understanding and compassion for all of humankind

for those who love me and for those who do not.

I light a candle for healing and cleansing my mind, body and spirit

so that my past no longer hides the wondrous essence of who I am.

On this new day in the New Year

I light a candle for the insight to make wise decisions,

so that I can look to the future without regret.

I light a candle for the ability to confidently accomplish what is possible

and find the courage to accept whatever is beyond my control.

I light a candle for illumination to find my way through the darkness

and to light the way for others struggling in their own darkness.

On this new day of the New Year

I light a candle for all of my hopes, wishes and dreams

and my abiding faith in believing they will come true.

I light a candle for empowerment and kindness

so that my heart is filled with light, love and happiness.

I light a candle for determination and strength

so that I can proceed on my life's journey

in harmony and happiness with hope and a peaceful heart. 

     One of my favorite things is a candle. Not the artificial, LED type, but the 'real thing'. I admit, I am very picky about my candle scents. My family and friends know better than to give me a candle without my input for the scent. I enjoy the scents of the candles, but I also love the soft light that a candle emits. It is not the harsh light of a flourescent bulb or an incandescent light. It is a soft, calming glow. I enjoy watching the flame slowly flicker and burn. Each flame burns differently, individually, in it's own way. We could learn a lot from a candle flame. "In the darkness even one small candle burns like the sun". "Let your light shine....". Each bright flicker is an individual manifestation of the potential within the center, the wick, the soul of the candle. Burn freely, without limitation. Burn brightly, without fear. Burn true, without artificiality. Be a light, in a dark world. Bring a spirit of peace and calm, that all is right with the world. 

 "Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. (Matthew 5:15 KJV)."

     I love this quote by Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

(This inspiring quote by Marianne Williamson is from her book, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3 (Pg. 190-191)).



     So, as this new year begins my challenge to myself, and to you -should you choose to accept it - is to not be afraid to let my light shine. Shine bold, shine bright, shine on! Be who you were meant to be - no matter what or who might to try to snuff it out.  I will no longer keep it "hidden away". I will "let it shine".

"There's a light in the depths of your darkness
There's a calm at the eye of every storm
There's a light in the depths of your darkness
Let it shine...oh, let it shine
Let it shine...oh, let it shine
Let it shine...oh, let it shine
Let it shine"

There's a Place in This World for a Gambler (Dan Fogelberg)

http://youtu.be/BotaRcvpLuc

Hope

"Once you choose hope, anything's possible."  ~Christopher Reeve

I Cannot Find My Way (Michael McLean)
http://youtu.be/a41wPG6AqeI

Hope. It is a simple four letter word, but it has profound meaning and impact. Hope, like the bright star on that first Christmas night, brings light into our lives and gives us the desire to continue on. Hope gives us the desire to develop to our full potential; to "never stop improving" (as the Lowe's commercial ad encourages us). Hope guides us toward our ultimate destination. Hopelessness, it's opposite, leads us to despair and defeat. Those without hope usually feel they have nothing left to live for. Hopelessnes is usually the precurser to depression, despair, self-destruction and sometimes to suicide.

Did you know that:

Women attempt suicide three times as often as men.

The higher rate of attempted suicide in women is attributed to the elevated rate of mood disorders among females, such as major depression, dysthymia and seasonal affective disorder.

Although women attempt suicide more often, men complete suicide at a rate four times that of women.

More women than men report a history of attempted suicide, with a gender ratio of 2:1.

Firearms are now the leading method of suicide in women, as well as men.

Suicide is more common among women who are single, recently separated, divorced, or widowed.

The precipitating life events for women who attempt suicide tend to be interpersonal losses or crises in significant social or family relationships.

Many women who suffer from manic-depressive illness experience their first episode in the postpartum period.

Sixty percent to 80 percent of women experience transient depression, and 10 percent to 15 percent of women develop clinical depression during the postpartum period.

Between the mid-1950s and the late 1970s, the suicide rate among U.S. males aged 15-24 more than tripled (from 6.3 per 100,000 in 1955 to 21.3 in 1977). Among females aged 15-24, the rate more than doubled during this period (from 2.0 to 5.2). The youth suicide rate generally leveled off during the 1980s and early 1990s, and since the mid-1990s has been steadily decreasing.

The suicide rates for men rise with age, most significantly after age 65.

The rate of suicide in men 65+ is seven times that of females who are 65+.

The suicide rates for women peak between the ages of 45-54 years old, and again after age 75.

Women are more likely than men to have stronger social supports, to feel that their relationships are deterrents to suicide, and to seek psychiatric and medical intervention, which may contribute to their lower rate of completed suicide.

 (http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=04ECB949-C3D9-5FFA-DA9C65C381BAAEC0)

So, how do we find hope? What do we hope for? Why do we even care?

I had a friend who told me that he had once considered suicide. As he contemplated whether to take his own life or not, he determined that if he really had enough guts to commit suicide then he had enough guts to keep going and pull himself out of whatever it was that was making him feel suicidal; to change either himself or his circumstances for the better.

That's why we need hope. Hope leads to faith. Faith in ourselves, faith in a higher being, faith in our fellow men and women and hope for a better world. Faith leads to action and action leads to change. We don't always see the changes and the changes don't always come overnight. In fact, they usually come in miniscule amounts and take a long time to happen, but they do come. Hope and faith can lead to joy. Joy in coming to understand who we are, why we are here and what we can become as we strive to reach our fullest potential.

I have a wooden Christmas ornament in the shape of a star that hangs above my kitchen sink in front of my window. In the center of the star is a rotating circular cutout that contains the word "hope". Did you know that the star is the symbol of hope? Are you making the connection? On that Christmas night so long ago, when that bright star shone and lit the way for the shepherds and the wise men to find their way to the Christ Child, hope was born. Each year as we celebrate the Christmas season and remember the Christmas story, hope is born again; and with this hope we are better able to find our way through this mortal life.  As we follow the light of the star, with it's hopeful rays, we can eventually find our ultimate destination.  Because of hope we come to believe in and understand who we truly are and reach our full potential. Hope is the beginning of "be(ing) the change we want to see in the world" (Ghandi).

"Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." Mosiah 4:9 (The Book of Mormon)

"Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost." Romans 15:13 (Holy Bible, King James Version)

Hope Is Born Again (Jim Brickman and Point of Grace)
http://youtu.be/H_dXbubKSAo

Be the Change

"You must be the change you want to see in the world."

Mahatma Gandhi Indian political and spiritual leader (1869 - 1948)

Thankful  by Josh Groban
http://youtu.be/yoygmylt2iM

Somedays we forget to look around us.
Somedays we can't see the joy that surrounds us.
So caught up inside ourselves.
We take when we should give.

So for tonight we pray for what we know can be.
And on this day we hope for what we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change.
And even though we all could still do more.
There's so much to be thankful for.

Look beyond ourselves there so much sorrow.
It's way too late to say "I'll cry tomorrow".
Each of us must find our truth.
It's so long overdue.

So for tonight we pray for what we know can be.
And everyday we hope for what we still can't see. 
It's up to us to be the change.
And even though we all could still do more.
There's so much to be thankful for.

Even with our differences there is a place were all connected.
Each of us can find each other's light.

So for tonight we pray for what we know can be.
And on this day we hope for what we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change.
And even though this world needs so much more.
There's so much to be thankful for.


     There is a philosophy that happiness is a byproduct of gratitude. You may have heard the saying "develop an attitude of gratitude". Perhaps too often we let "things" or "events" outside of ourselves determine our attitudes and views on life, and, therefore, we let them determine our happiness. I know that I have been guilty of  doing this. It's the old syndrome of (and we all do it) "when I get enough money, I'll be happy", or "when I meet Mr. Right and get married, then I'll be happy" or "when I buy that new car (or house or you fill in the blank _____) then I'll be happy". But what if those things never materialize? Or what if they do materialize and then are taken away in some twist of fate or misfortune? Do we let this devastate us and send us into an emotional tailspin?  This, I believe, is the true test of one's character. Can you be happy even without all of those "things"? Can you be happy even when things aren't going like you planned? "Happiness is a choice." And it is something that we must choose every minute of every day.

     I don't want to sound hypocritical, especially because those who know me know that I have my "Debbie Downer" days, sometimes more frequently than my "don't worry, be happy" days. Life is hard and messy, let's face it. But, do we have to let what happens around us determine what happens inside of us? Life isn't perfect, it isn't easy, but it isn't meant to be. Let me share an example to illustrate what I mean. When the Spanish conquistadors conquered the Inca population in ancient Mesoamerica they ravished them of all of their gold and preciouse metals, among other horrific things that they did to them. The Spanish then carried their bouty back to their homeland country of Spain. There they basked in the wealth and riches that they had obtained (stolen). They "ate, drank and were merry". They viewed themselves as conquerers of the savages, successful and powerful as one of the richest civilizations on the planet. However, that same gold later became their downfall. Why? Because they became complacent. They didn't have to "work" and the certainly didn't "want". They had more than enough for what they needed. This ease of life made them lazy, it made them stagnant, and it made their lives purposeless and meaningless (sound familiar?). They didn't have to struggle for anything because they seemingly had everything. They didn't have to be innovative or be creative in order to survive or to obtain their wealth or status, because they had everything they wanted right there in front of them. The rest of poorer Europe was having to create new technologies and innovations in order to move forward and get ahead. This effort lead to the invention of modern technologies and the Industrial Revolution! The eventual result of this was great wealth and power for Europe - eventually even more wealth and power than Spain. The Europeans moved forward, thy "grew", while Spain stagnated. And, what's more, the people of Europe had greater self-respect and dignity as a result of an honest day's pay for an honest day's labor. (Undoubtedly, there were abuses that went on during those times, but let's leave that for another discussion). The bottom line is that when things are too easy, we get lazy and complacent and we stagnate. If we don't move out of our comfort zones then we can't grow and can't reach our full potential. When we have to work for something, whether material, spiritual or emotional, we come to appreciate it more. We learn and grow and develop in new ways and in the process it builds our dignity, our self-esteem and our sense of self-worth.

     These past few weeks I have been conducting an experiment. Earlier this month I decided to take advantage of a challenge to start each day with a post to my Facebook of one thing that I am thankful for. It's called "30 Days of Thankful". I have noticed something. When I start my day thinking about one thing for which I am thankful, my focus changes. I have been less focused on the problems and challenges that I face or on what I don't have. I have been more focused on the ways I have been blessed and the opportunities and things that I do have. Sure, the problems and challenges haven't gone away (and in some cases have gotten bigger) but I have seen that to every dark cloud there truly is a silver lining - we just have to take the time to look for it. It's about what we choose to focus on. It truly is "up to us to be the change, and even though the world needs so much more, there's so much to be thankful for".

To Think I Had It All, All The Time!

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." e.e. cummings

All The Time (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/PfA-yW_ErTo

Almost three years ago a returned to school after a twenty-three year hiatus. It was absolutely one of the most difficult things that I have ever pushed myself to do. As you can imagine, there were all sorts of reactions from those around me. Some were supportive, others not so much. So many people couldn't wrap their head around the fact that a middle-aged woman would return to college after such a long hiatus. "Why?" they would ask, "would you want to do that at this point in your life?" "Why not just stay with the status quo?" I had reached a point in my life when I knew that I needed to make an adjustment. I needed to grow, or I felt like I would just curl up and die. I saw a future with all of my children grown and on their own rapidly approaching. I wondered what I would do with all of the "free time" that would come as a result of their being gone and my having less responsibilities to them. It was a daunting future, and I was trying my best to determine what I really wanted to do with myself in that future. I thought a lot about what I used to like to do when I was younger (and single, I might add).  I have always enjoyed learning new things, and I was always a pretty good student. One of my passions has always been communications, so I determined that that would be a good field of study for me. A major in Communications was non-existent back in my day. The first class that I enrolled in at the University was "The History of Communication Technology". It sounded interesting and challenging, which it turned out to be.

One of the most difficult parts of my return to school after so long was the feeling that I just didn't fit in there. I was much older than the majority of the students in my classes. I received quite a few stares and some shuns. Frankly, I was old enough to be most of their mothers! I also had two children of my own in the age range of these kids. I found that to be a great advantage as I could relate to what my fellow students were "into", because my own young adults were "into" it as well. My own children were able to help me get started and to become knowledgeable about the technologies that I now needed to be able to manage and handle in this new world. It was a very different world from what it was when I last attended college back in the '80's. Eventually, I met a few students who could appreciate a "non-traditional" student in their midst.

But, by far the greatest challenge that I have had over these past 3 years is believing in myself and that I am able and capable of handling what is thrown at me. It is definately a different world from what it was way back when, but I have learned so much and grown in confidence and courage. I have discovered along the way that who I was in 1985, is not who I am today. Who I was and what I thought I wanted back then, isn't what I want to do or be now. I have changed so much over these past 25 years. It was a good place to begin, and it has been a process of self-discovery and growth. My current major has changed, and I am going in a different direction than I originally thought, but it feels right for me now. I just had to take that first step, which was definately the hardest, but I would do it all again to get to where I am now. "The first step back's the hardest, but those who've done it say, 'take it, take it, take it and thank God you're on your way'. Take the step and thank the Lord your finally on (your) way." (Michael McLean).

"Believe. Believe in yourself. Believe in the One who believes in you. All things are possible to she who believes."

Believe (Josh Groban)
http://youtu.be/VoZsS0zq1hs