Who I Was Born to Be

"You either walk inside your story and own it

or you stand outside your story and

hustle for your worthiness." 

- Brene Brown

Who I Was Born to Be (Susan Boyle w/lyrics)
http://youtu.be/mhXYHRS5aDo

       My thoughts have been wandering as I approach another birthday, and they have led me to this particular song. As a child I loved to sing. I would often stand on my front porch and watch the birds flying among the trees and try to imitate their songs, thinking I was somehow talking to them. I would stand there and sing songs. Some of these songs were familiar, but often they were of my own creation. I would sing about whatever I felt like. Music has always touched me in a special place inside of my soul, a place that feels intimately mine and very safe. Music has saved my sanity and, quite possibly, my life at times.

     I have been on a journey of self-discovery over the past few years. I have learned a lot about myself on this journey, most recently (with the help of a good therapist) the realization that I have a "highly sensitive personality". I had no idea there even was such a thing until my therapist recommended I read the book, The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron. As I read through this book, lights and bells and whistles began going off; it was one "aha' moment followed by another! It was me that she was writing about. I have always felt different than most people I have known in my life, but I never understood why. I always thought it was something wrong with me, so I have tried to change me to try to better fit in with those around me. It never worked, and I always came away feeling disappointed, lost and inadequate. As it turns out, I have a minority personality type (only about 20% of the population manifest this type of personality). No wonder I have always felt different and like I didn't belong in this world!

     Upon further exploration, I have also connected the dots with Brene Brown's, Power of Vulnerability, and Carol Tuttle's, Type 2 - soft, subtle energy profile (more on this in later blogs) I am beginning to see myself so much more clearly now - what motivates me, what cripples me and where and why I need to set clear and definite boundaries. I am still the same person I have always been, but now I am finally understanding why I am the way I am, and that it is o.k. to be that way - that is "who I am was born to be". I may not have found all of the answers, but at least I now know more than I ever have and I feel very liberated. I understand that I truly am not like everyone else, and that it is o.k. not to be. I am enough and I am okay just the way I am. I am who Heavenly Father made me to be. He created me this way, and I am trying my best to fulfill the measure of that creation to the best of my ability. I have always understood that not everyone will always like me or understand why I do what I do, but I have gifts that this world is in desperate need of, such as a large capacity to love, kindness, gentleness, patience, empathy, and peacefulness. I have also learned that this personality trait runs in families (much like "the force" in Star Wars). My father had it (I suspect his mother had it), my daughter has it (and my son too, I believe, though it tends to be harder for guys to manifest because of the world's view of masculinity). It is not something of which to be ashamed, it is something to be embraced and celebrated!

    I feel like I am finally coming out of a very dark place. For so long I felt like Winnie the Pooh with that little black rain cloud always following me (or maybe more like Eeyore "thanks for noticing me").  I feel empowered and more confident because I now know who I am and who I am meant to be, and that it is good, in fact, great to be that person! I truly am unique (something I have always wanted to be). I am special. I am me...and I am enough.

"Because true belonging only happens 

when we present our authentic, 

imperfect selves to the world.

Our sense of belonging 

can never be greater 

than our level of self-acceptance." 

- Brene Brown, The Gift of Imperfection

I Love You Just the Way You Are (Billy Joel)
http://youtu.be/vBZnGk1nAjw

Physical Therapy for the Soul

White Flag (Dido)

    I have not posted on this blog for a few months because "real life" has taken over for a while. I will not post details either, but I want to post something I read that has significant impact for me right now - today.

     Elder Richard G. Scott, of the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Saints Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, explained: "Now may I share some suggestions with you who face the second source of adversity, the testing that a wise Heavenly Father determines is needed even when you are living a worthy, righteous life and are obedient to His commandments.  Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously.  When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience,  they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more....He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding,  and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain." (Richard G. Scott, "Trust in the Lord," Ensign, Nov. 1995. )

     I have, once again, been prescribed some physical therapy for a painful hip. During my initial consultation with the physical therapist, she told me that in order to fix the problem and relieve the pain (to get me from where I am to where she wants me to be), I would initially feels some additional pain and discomfort until things got back in place and on track. Believe me, they have caused me some discomfort and pain. She gave me some strengthening and stretching exercises to do at home as well. I am to do them "to the edge of the pain" and no further. And, if I feel too much discomfort for too long afterward I am to ease off a bit.  

      The correlation of this physical therapy and the "soul therapy" that I am currently undergoing is not lost on me. Often times the conditions that our bodies are manifesting are the physical equivalents of what we are experiencing in our souls, as the two are interconnected. "Soul therapy" can also be painful and difficult, and it can push me to the very edge at times. But, just as I trust that my physical therapist knows what I need to improve my physical condition, I am also trusting that my "soul therapist" also knows what I need to improve my "soul" condition.

    And for now, that is enough....stay tuned....

Let's Get Physical (Olivia Newton John)

(I can relate to the poor guy who was getting beat on on the massage table - lol). 

Conviction of the Heart

Where are the dreams that we once had?

This is the time to bring them back.

What were the promises 

caught on the tips of our tongues?

Do we forget or forgive?

There's a whole other life

waiting to live.

One day we're brave enough

to talk with conviction of the heart.

Down your streets I've walked alone,

As if my feet were not my own.

Such is the path I chose,

doors I have opened and closed.

I'm tired of living this lie,

fooling myself, believing we're right 

when I've never given love

with any conviction of the heart.

One with the earth, 

with the sky, 

one with everything in life.

I believe we'll survive if we only try. 

How long must we all wait to change

the world bound in chains that we live in?

To know what it is to forgive 

and be forgiven.

Too many years of taking now

 isn't it time to stop somehow?

Air that's too angry to breathe. 

Water our children can drink

You've heard it hundreds of times.

You say you're aware, 

believe, and you care.

Do you care enough?

Where's your conviction of the heart?

One with the earth, 

with the sky, 

one with everything in life.

I believe it will start 

with conviction of the heart.

One earth, one sky

only one world

only one chance for

one life

When will we live?

Only one earth,

only one sky,

only one shot!

We've only got one chance to give it

One life

Believe

It's only gonna start 

when we believe with some 

conviction of the heart! 

Conviction of the Heart (Kenny Loggins - It's awesome!)
http://youtu.be/rQZbB5CUXFI

     I have recently had some experiences that have caused me to pause and take look deep into my heart, and review what I really believe and what I really feel about some things in my life. I neither sought nor necessarily desired to have these experiences come into my sphere of consciousness and awareness, but they came none the less.  Although I would rather not have had to address them, I believe it was necessary for my personal growth and character development, and to be able to move forward with conviction in my life. By facing these experiences I have come to better understand and solidify parts of my character and my life of which perhaps I was still a little unsure and uncertain. I have pondered, prayed, analyzed (and re-analyzed) and read as I searched for answers as to why they came into my life at this time and what I am to do about them.

     Today I had a breakthrough, and have come to better understand why they were put in my path and what I was to do about them. It is all part of my healing and growing process. One experience strengthened my "conviction of the heart" as I shared with an individual how I felt about things that are near and dear to my heart; things that it has taken me a lifetime to come to understand. The other experience strengthened my commitment to maintain choices that I had made many, many years ago in my life. It was not comfortable having to think about these things and having to re-assess them in my life, but it was very necessary in order for me to move forward with full "conviction of the heart" regarding them. I have solidified my feelings about them, and now I can move forward with a full understanding and with a full "conviction of heart" - and to be able to do so makes me feel good for the first time in a very long time.

For The First Time (Kenny Loggins)
http://youtu.be/lwFRB7sC7P4

Change of Heart



Change of Heart (Jim Brickman and Olivia Newton John)
http://youtu.be/_n4rzwX_GUA

     I have had lots of time to think about my life lately because of my current life circumstances. I wonder if this might be the reason why God has placed some of the challenges in my path of late. I feel I am at a crossroad in my life. I look behind and see my life as a child and as a parent and all that went with that, and look before me and see what life might bring in the future. I see that I am at a pivotal and critical time in my life choices. I have read about this time in a woman's life and how that sometimes feelings and emotions that have often been suppressed for years tend to surface. I find that I just can't "stuff it" or shove them back underground like I have done for many years. At times it feels like I am riding an emotional roller coaster and I don't know how to get off!

     Some days are more manageable than others. For example, I recently had an experience that brought to the surface a character weakness of mine that I thought I had conquered years ago! It seems that as life cycles around and around, hopefully spiraling upward, that at some times these situations come back to haunt me and need to be re-addressed and dealt with. I find this to be especially true if it is an issue that I "stuffed" or shoved aside earlier in my life journey because for whatever reason I didn't want to deal with it then. With this particular weakness I have felt embarrassed or ashamed about it because it was not what "good girls" are supposed to feel. But I am finding that if the issues haven't been dealt with in a productive and healing way the first time around, they resurface later on at vulnerable times in my life and demand to be dealt with then. Such is the nature of my latest revelation.

   It is a hard thing to see your weakness put blatantly in front of your face, and then realize that you aren't who you thought you were or who you would like to be. It certainly isn't very flattering or positive. It is also difficult to realize I cannot "fix" this by myself because I have tried - over and over again. The habit track of reacting this way is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that I'm not even sure where to start to fix it. But "they" say that recognition is the first step to healing it, so I think I am on the right track so far. It will take some time, prayer and patience to work through this and hopefully overcome it, eventually turning it into a character strength. I believe that with God all things are possible, but I also feel like "Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief". I know it will take a leap of faith and trust in an all wise and knowing God in order to be able to turn this over to him and allow him to "fix" it. This is a hard thing for us "control freaks" to do, but I am so tired of dealing with this one that I am willing to try. It has disrupted my peace of mind and sucked the joy out of my life for the last time! It is time to "let go and let God". Time to surrender. I have to fight the urge to retain any part of it because if I do that I will never be free from it.

      So maybe this crossroad in my life journey, this point in time, really is about me after all. Maybe it's finally my turn to work some of this out and decide who I want to be and how I want to live the rest of my life. What a revelation! The trick for me will be allowing myself permission to take this time for me to figure it all out. I have taken care of everyone else but me for so long, this feels pretty selfish, scarey and overwhelming right now. I feel like a bird whose mother has just pushed her out of the nest and said fly - but without any instructions.

     Yesterday I "found" a necklace with a circular charm with the word "Greatness" engraved on it. Lying on top of the circle is another charm, a gold star. The card to which it was attached said: "The pursuit of Greatness is always daring, and calls forth our True potential. Never underestimate Your power for greatness. Wear this pendant as a symbol that greatness lives within you."  I may make some mistakes along the way, but I also know that I have to try, otherwise I will stagnate and die. Grow or die, it seems like I have heard (and said) that before. I will discover "what lies within" me and under God's watchful eye  - I will fly.

It's My Turn (Diana Ross)
http://youtu.be/veJl__sjDt4

Phoenix

When You Have Your Health....

Every Breath You Take (The Police)

http://youtu.be/_wsMEj2ZfW8

     "They" say that when you have your health you have everything. My recent bout with a nasty virus has caused me to ponder on this truth. It all started with some congestion in my chest and some slight wheezing. The weather was changing abruptly - again - so I just thought it was my body trying to adjust to the barometric pressure shift. Twenty-four hours later I felt like I had been hit by a truck! After many days and hours of rest, pumping Coldeze, Sambucol, Luden's Cherry Flavored cough drops and eventually some Theraflu (at night so I could finally sleep) into my system, and watching way too many hours of television, I have survived. This experience has given me a new appreciation for good health. This morning, after more than a week, I could actually take a deep breath without coughing, and I finally had a good night's sleep! Life is good!

    It has been a long time since I was this ill. I have had other health challenges within the past year or so, but this one seemed to be the one that tried my patience the most. There is definitely a mind/body connection when it comes to one's health.  There is nothing quite as unsettling as feeling like you have little control over your health and what is happening inside of your body or your mind. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to live with a chronic illness or disease every day of one's life. It must be very difficult to endure and remain positive and upbeat. I'll admit it, I am not a good sick person. In fact, one of my greatest fears is that I will lose my health, but still keep my mind and will. (I secretly hope that if I lose one I will also lose the other). To add to it, the side effects of the over-the-counter medications are worse than the illness is for me, so this is why I usually choose to take the homeopathic ones over the pharmaceutical company brands, if at all possible. 

     The past few months of health challenges have also caused me to re-evaluate the importance of taking better care of myself. I am certainly not getting any younger, and apparently not a lot healthier either. I think it is past time for me to get my act together and start doing something more about it. I just hope I am not too late to make the necessary changes for a better, healthier me. I know that I will be limited at this time in my life as to what type of exercise I will be able to do, especially considering my back/leg/knee/ankle issues. I used to bike much more frequently than I have the past few years and I always enjoyed it, but the added weight and joint issues have kept me from participating.  I could return to that but would most likely need to "graduate" to a recumbent bike due to my back and leg issues. Swimming is another healthy option. However, I am not a very good swimmer and I really dislike smelling of chlorine, not to mention how dry my skin gets and (gulp) the thought of putting a bathing suit on this out-of-shape body and being seen in public! I used to participate in a water exercise class and I really liked it, perhaps that would be a good place to start again, if my leg and knee can take the motion and jarring. If not, there is always Yoga - great exercises for the mind and body connections.

     My mother used to say that growing old was not all it was cracked up to be. "The golden years, aren't so golden". Aging is certainly not for sissys or the faint of heart. Sometimes one just has to set aside one's pride and take the plunge (no pun intended) and jump in with both feet. I have not felt as good as I could and should at this stage of my life. I haven't been as happy as I have been at times when I have taken better care of myself. I hope it is not too late to start over. It is time to start doing some research and focus on taking care of me - my body with physical exercise, my mind with learning new things, my soul. Since they are all connected perhaps if I start taking care of the one - the body - I will be better able to take care of the rest. It is also time to start accepting that I will never be as young as I was nor as old as I will be. The place to start is here, the time to start is now. 

Suddenly I See (KT Tunstall)

http://youtu.be/QrbO-Tw-mEY

(my apologies for the expletive - I didn't write it, I just used it ;-))

     

The Gift I Gave Myself

“Life is God's gift to man,

what we do with that life is our gift to God.”

Simple Gifts (Jim Brickman)
http://youtu.be/VyfNVVou878

     I recently ran across this writing I did almost 12 years go. I had "hit the wall" and knew that something in my life needed to change because what I was doing wasn't working well. It was the beginning of a long and arduous journey to a more abundant life.  This year has been one with many challenges but also many blessings, especially my working with the Family Support Group. This experience has been such a great blessing to my life and has been one of the most significant steps I have taken along . . .

My Path to Simple Abundance

December 25, 2000

What am I doing with my life? What are the aspirations of my heart my dreams, wishes, desires. So long I've put them on the shelf, tabled to a time later in my life a less hectic time, a calmer time, a time of fewer demands. In doing so I have found I spend so much time rushing from here to there, for this or that, that my life is empty – void of the dreams, wishes and desires that make life worth living.  I am in search of the peace, comfort and joy I know is out there somewhere ever elusive. The Scriptures tell us that “man is that he might have joy” (2 Nephi 2:25) and ”I am come that they might have joy, and that they might have it more abundantly” (John 10:10). This is the gift I have received this Christmas -- this and the book Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach, from my friend, Sheila.

                As I ponder my dreams and aspirations a few things come to my mind:

     *To find daily peace and satisfaction in what I am doing right now, at this moment in my life.

     *To not feel the need to please everyone more than or instead of myself.

     *To feel and be happy and not be afraid to share those feelings with those around me.

     *To not worry about what others say, think or do -- or how it might affect me.

     *To freely give of my time, talents, and means without feeling worried or concerned or put out by doing so.

     *To be able to say no to things I don't really want to do or have time to do, and not feel guilty for doing so.

     *To feel joy and satisfaction in loving and serving my family and friends.

     *To appreciate and feel appreciated.

     *To use and share my creative abilities and talents. 

     *To begin or restart a long-shelved hobby or talent.

     *To not fear but have enough faith and trust in God and myself to know that “everything will work together for good”.

     *To see the good, feel good, be good -- in spite of what goes on around me.

     *To love deeply and totally, without reservation.

     *To relax and enjoy the ride of life more.

     *God has given me so much; to be able to share more freely what He has given me.

     *To some day return to school and pursue that elusive bachelor’s degree.

     *To put into practice, the gospel of Jesus Christ, and see that it does work and it does bring abundance and happiness.

     *To learn how to handle the stresses of my life -- to control them, not let them control me.

     *To discover a new talent I have, but I didn't know I had.

     *To be aware of the needs of my children, my husband, and how to meet those needs to the best of my ability and feel good about doing it.

     *To have sufficient for our needs so I don't have to worry about money, especially in November and December.

     *To be better organized -- especially on my desk and the clutter in the dining room.

     *To feel more in control of my life and my emotions.  Take better care of myself physically and emotionally and mentally.

     *Learn how to meditate and relax.

     *Be more patient with myself and others.

     *To be the daughter of God I am meant to be.

      *To feel the Christmas spirit before December 25.

          This is the start of my path to simple abundance, this is where I begin.

     While I don't feel like I am completely "there" yet, as I read this I am amazed at what remarkable progress I feel I have made along this path. I am so thankful that I took the time to clarify my thoughts and to write them down for my future reference. "A goal unwritten is merely a wish", and it brings a deep sense of satisfaction to see the progress I have made along my path. Reviewing this list also helps to clarify where I still need to do some work. I think that this year I will repeat this exercise and write down some new dreams and aspirations to work toward, since I can now cross some of these items off of the list. As Socrates once said, "An unexamined life is not worth living", and I couldn't agree more. With God, nothing is impossible, so I will put my hand in His and together we will move onward and upward.

Put Your Hand In the Hand

 http://youtu.be/hxh_EDrL_uE

Choosing Peace - A Christmas Gift

"Christmas gift suggestions:

To your enemy, forgiveness,

To an opponent, tolerance.

To a friend, you heart.

To a customer, service.

To all, charity.

To every child, a good example.

To yourself, respect."

 - Oren Arnold

Let There Be Peace On Earth (Vince Gill with his daughter, Jennie)

http://youtu.be/SaGfxSSNjhI

     Today I made a choice. A few days ago I made an arrangement to meet up with a friend to have breakfast at a local eatery. I woke up, dressed and made my way to the location. I arrived a few minutes early because I didn't want to be late. I went inside and sat down to wait for her arrival. I waited ... waited ... and waited some more. After waiting for about 15 minutes after our arranged time to meet up and she wasn't there I decided that she wasn't going to come. At that moment I had a choice to make. My choices were to a) be upset and angry with her because she didn't show up, didn't call or text; or b) make the best of the situation. I am happy to say that I made choice "b". I decided at that moment that I was not going to let this situation ruin my morning mood or set a bad tone for the rest of my day. I was not going to be upset or angry with her. There had to be an explanation for the situation because it was simply not like her to do something like that to a friend. So, instead of getting all upset, angry and embarrassed, I decided to "treat myself" to a chocolate chip bagel with low-fat cream cheese and a wild berry fruit smoothie - and they were both delicious! But more than that, I walked away feeling good inside - peaceful and content.

     I am not going to lie, a few short months ago I would probably not have been able to select choice "b", but would have gone straight to choice "a". I think I am making progress. I am choosing peace. Let's face it, none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes. I have to give some credit where credit is due - to the Family Support Group in which I have been participating for the past 8 months. This program has given me an awareness of my own humanness and some of my weaknesses, one of which is being quick to anger. I am trying to turn this weakness into a strength. I am trying to do this by making more peaceful and conscientious choices, like the one I chose this morning. I am free to choose how I will act and/or react to any given situation. Choosing peace brings me peace, joy and happiness. I feel empowered in the fact that I was able to overcome my natural tendency to anger and recognize this was a huge step forward for me. By the way, I later received a very apologetic phone call with a simple explanation for the situation. All was forgiven and smoothed over, much to the relief of my friend. It was a win, win. I felt good and happy and at peace, and she felt better knowing I was not angry or upset with her for her mistake.

     During this time of year, the Christmas season with all of the demands and stresses, I think it takes extra effort to choose peace. At the crowded mall or department store, at the loud holiday party, in the parking lot or on the streets surrounding the mall, at the checkout counter - we can choose peace. Choosing peace perpetuates peace. I am reminded of what the Heavenly Host declared on that first Christmas morning: "Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, goodwill toward men." (Luke 2:14). This morning I had a choice to make and I chose peace. What a different world we would live in if more people made that same choice. "Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me".

Far, Far Away on Judea's Plains

"Far, far away on Judea's plains,
Shepherds of old heard the joyous strains:

Glory to God, Glory to God,
Glory to God in the highest;
Peace on earth, goodwill to men;
Peace on earth, goodwill to men!

Sweet are these strains of redeeming love,
Message of mercy from heav'n above:

Glory to God, Glory to God,
Glory to God in the highest;
Peace on earth, goodwill to men;
Peace on earth, goodwill to men!

Lord, with the angels we too would rejoice;
Help us to sing with the heart and voice:

Glory to God, Glory to God,
Glory to God in the highest;
Peace on earth, goodwill to men;
Peace on earth, goodwill to men!

Hasten the time when, from ev'ry clime,
Men shall unite in the strains sublime:

Glory to God, Glory to God,
Glory to God in the highest;
Peace on earth, goodwill to men;
Peace on earth, goodwill to men!

(Text and music: John Menzies Macfarlane, 1833-1892)

Far, Far Away on Judea's Plains (Mormon Tabernacle Choir)
http://youtu.be/0onbWhPZ9Is

Peace - You Find It Where the Heart Is



The Heart of the Matter (Don Henley)

http://youtu.be/dyLvZ9uC9F4

     Like the beginning of this song by Don Henley, "I got the call today I didn't want to hear, but I knew that it would come". It was inevitable considering the situation and the personality of the individual to whom I am referring. In this case it wasn't about hearing of an old flame finding another love, but of an old relationship needing mending. Ironically, it is nearing the anniversary of the event that split the relationship into pieces in the first place. It all has to do with a complicated relationship, inheritance money and who will take responsibility for each. Long story short, it's also about forgiveness and finding peace.

     Earlier this year I made the effort to mend this long broken relationship by initiating an email apology to the individual involved, even though I did not see myself as the one at fault in the situation. I felt the relationship was important enough to me to try to repair it if at all possible, so I initiated the truce. Of course, this person had know idea about my view of what happened and the damage that was done.  I was allowing this situation to cause me anxiety and guilt, and the individual involved knew nothing of my discomfort nor could they really have cared less about it. Needless to say, they didn't see things the same way as I did. Perhaps some if it was a result of my own unrealistic expectations of what I thought the relationship "should be"; what they should have done, or been, or should be to me in my life. It has become obvious to me that what I would like to have happen is never going to happen in this situation. I think I have finally gotten to the point where I am o.k. with this fact. After many years I have been able to forgive and put to rest the issue that resulted in the broken relationship in the first place. As a result, we can now both calmly and rationally discuss this current situation from a place of caring, understanding and forgiveness.

      I will not lie and say that this phone call didn't, once again, bring a few tears at the conclusion of the call. But this time they were tears of understanding and maybe a little relief. They were also tears of grief over the reality of the situation and the loss of what might have once been, but now will likely never be. It is time to grow up and face the facts. I have finally seen it for what it really is. Yes I am disappointed, but I am also realistic enough to know that this time it is what it is, and just because I want it to be a different way doesn't make it so. It takes two to have a relationship and, as much as I would desire one, the other party in the relationship is content with the status quo.

     So, after many years and tears, I am able to be at peace with it all. What a liberating feeling that is! The knowledge that I have absolutely done all that I can do to make this relationship work and knowing that now the rest is up to the other party involved, brings great peace to my heart and mind. No longer will I continue to hold on to the hope that something different will ever come of it, because it most likely will not - at least in this lifetime - ever happen. It is what it is and until more effort is expended on the part of the other party involved, it will remain what it is. I do not feel the need to expend any more of my time or energy into a losing situation.

    This experience gives more meaning to the yuletide phrase "peace on earth, goodwill to men". I have longed to have peace about this situation for so long, and now I finally feel it. What a gift!  I can honestly say that I feel goodwill to this person. I am sincerely glad to hear that things have worked out well for them, that things continue to go well for this person, that they are happy and content with their life.

    Two very important life lessons I can take from this experience are these:



First -

and second -

Peace - You find it where the heart is!

Peace (Jim Brickman)

http://youtu.be/Pvx74fkqTwk



He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother



 "And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order;

 for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.

And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent,

that thereby he might win the prize;

therefore, all things must be done in order.

Mosiah 4:27



He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother (sung by Neil Diamond)

http://youtu.be/usZtSl8mX08

    I am currently at home recuperating from my recent aforementioned knee/leg surgery. The procedure was done about 11 days ago at our community hospital. I had to have some repair work done to the meniscus in my right knee, and I also had to have a walnut-sized cyst removed from the top of my tibia bone and filled in with some cadaver bone. The procedure went well, except for the fact that I react adversely to Demerol. Demerol is usually injected into individuals who are coming out of anesthesia to prevent the shakes, which can and does happen due to the shock to your body that has just undergone major surgery. Yes, I did wake up to a bad case of the shakes in the recovery room. The nurses surrounded me with heated blankets from head to toe and with that with a combination of other drugs, I was able to recover quite well.

   My husband has been by my side faithfully during my surgery and over this recovery period. He has been so kind to take care of me and literally wait on me hand and foot, as there is little one can do with two crutches in one's hand and a lame leg. I am so thankful for him and his loving kindness to me over these past few days. He has not complained or lost patience with me once, which I find to be truly amazing! He has served me with love and devotion, and words seem inadequate to express my deep level of love and appreciation for him and all that he has done to take care of me and see that my needs are met.

    Throughout all of this I have been thinking quite a bit about my mother and her lifetime of health challenges.  My mother suffered from a Rheumatic heart condition and endured 5 open-heart surgeries over her lifetime. Her first heart surgery was to install a pacemaker in her heart. I was three years old at the time and really don't remember any of the details of the event except that fact that I was left to spend what felt like endless days at my friend and neighbor's house across the street. My two siblings had been flown off to stay with an aunt and uncle, but my parents felt that I was too young to be sent that far away. It was originally intended that I would spend the time staying at a local day care center run by a woman in our church, but that was very short lived as I would not be comforted and cried most of my time I was there. The next alternative was to send me across the street to stay with my friend and neighbor. I would play at their house on a frequent basis, and I felt much more comfortable staying there with them. I can still remember standing in their living room looking out the large picture windows that connected the corner of their house, anxiously waiting for my father's car to turn the corner and drive into our driveway across the street.

     Four more open-heart operations were performed on my mother, some were valve replacement procedures and others were for repair work on what was already in place in her heart. I cannot imagine the depth of fear and anguish she must have felt before each one of her surgeries. I can only remember her getting emotional before one of her surgeries, her last one. She had endured so very much and wasn't sure she would be able to endure another one. Thankfully, after that one she never had to. I was blessed and privileged to be living or visiting home when each of these surgeries was performed. I can remember one of her surgeries was done while I was taking a test in one of my business classes when I attended Weber State College. The professor was quite amazed when she found out what was going on with my mother and I was present in class that day.

    Another of her surgeries took place just after the Christmas holidays. We were able to be home for that Christmas holiday and when I found out that she needed the surgery I was able to extend my stay in order to be able to care for my father and for her when she returned home. I was very thankful to be able to be there and grateful that I could at least do something to help out during that difficult time for my parents. During   the last surgery my mother suffered a slight stroke and lost some of her long term memory. It was because of this that I was able to write down some of my childhood memories for her prior to her death. That was a wonderful experience for me to be able to reminisce and to share those memories with her, and to finally thank her for always being so supportive of me and for being such a good example to me.

   My mother was a very brave woman. She suffered much over her lifetime and rarely complained. I can only imagine the fear and frustrations she must have felt due to the limitations this condition had on her life. My mother never felt sorry for herself, and she never let those limitations keep her from living a full and productive life. I have learned so much from her example of courage, patience, endurance and embracing what really matters most in life. I have learned how to live by watching her live. By remembering how she endured her suffering, I am better able to endure mine without complaint and discouragement. She had such a deep and abiding faith and trust in God's plan for her and for her life. So much so that I think she knew ahead of her passing that her time was short. As a result she prepared by pre-planning her own funeral arrangements. Needless to say, this was a great blessing to us during a difficult time.

      I have not suffered nearly as much as my mother did over her lifetime, but this past few days has put me to the test. It has not been easy and I am not a very patient person. I have been so blessed to have so much help, and by so many that have taken time out of their busy lives to prepare a meal for us, send or bring me flowers, chocolates, videos and books. I have had many caring phone calls, cards and visits that have helped me endure this difficult and trying time in my life. I am deeply appreciative of these blessings that have come from others - brothers and sisters - who have been willing to "carry me" through this challenging time. Thank you. Thank you for making me feel loved. Thank you for being willing to help carry my burden. Thank you for helping me through. You are loved.

Because You Loved Me (Celine Dion)

http://youtu.be/ih1945e4q7I

The Road of Life

The Road of Life

At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there, sort of like a president. I recognized his picture when I saw it, but I really did not KNOW Him.

But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though life was rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ was in back helping me pedal.

I don’t know just when it was that He suggested we change places, but life has not been the same since.

When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring, but very predictable. It was always the shortest distance between two points.

But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains and through rocky places at breakneck speeds; it was all I could do to hang on!! Even though it looked like madness, He said, “Pedal!”

I was worried and was anxious and asked, “Where are you taking me?” He laughed and didn’t answer, and I started to learn to trust.

I forgot my boring life and entered into an adventure. And when I’d say, “I’m scared,” He’d lean back and touch my hand, and with a smile would simply say “Pedal”.

He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance, and joy. They gave me their gifts to take on my journey, my Lord’s and mine.

And we were off again. He said, “Give the gifts away. They’re extra baggage, too much weight.” So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving, I received, and still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He’d wreck it, but He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, jump to clear high rocks, fly to shorten scary passages.

And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places. I’m beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ.

And, when I’m sure that I just can’t do anymore, and when I fear we’ve taken the wrong path, He just smiles and says. “Pedal!”

Bicycle Built for Two
http://youtu.be/-4IxVeRTCA4

If I Had My Life to Live Over....



If I had my life to live over,

I would relax more.

I wouldn't take so many things so seriously.

I would take more chances.

I would climb more mountains,

and swim more rivers...

Next time

I'd start barefooted earlier in the spring

and stay that way later in the fall.

I wouldn't make such good grades

unless I enjoyed working for them.

I'd go to more dances.

I'd ride on more merry-go-rounds.

I'd pick more daisies.

 - Frank Dickey-

      The older I get the truer this rings! I have wasted too much time in my life stressing and worrying about things over which I have no control. The worrying leads to fear which leads to anxiety which uses way too much energy. It has aged me before my time.  I wish I was braver, less afraid to try new things. I take too many things personally and my life much too seriously. I "beat myself up" much too often over the most insignificant and mundane things. I am a "pleaser" and a perfectionist, which has caused some conflicts in relationships and friendships. I am much too hard on myself.  I don't take enough time to savor my successes before thinking about or moving on to the next "thing" (whatever it is). I need to laugh a bit more and enjoy each moment. Breathe. Let go. Slow down, feel the joy and enjoy the life journey. Where there is life, there is hope - I think I'll go and pick some daisies.

"Enjoy life, this is not a rehearsal."

Vienna (Billy Joel)

http://youtu.be/7THVblSuj8w

Courage

http://youtu.be/VlvBHJAdQF0

"I believe that God created me to be happy,

To enjoy the blessings of life

To be useful to my fellow beings

And an honor to my country.

I believe that trials which beset me today

are but fiery tests by which my character

is strengthened, ennobled and made worthy to

Enjoy the higher things in life which I

believe are in store for me.

I believe that I am the architect of my own fate.

Therefore, I will be master of circumstances

and surroundings and not their slaves

I will not yield to discouragements.

I will trample them under my feet

and make them serve as

stepping stones to success.

I will conquer my obstacles

and turn them into opportunities.

My failures of today will but help to guide me on

to victory on the morrow.

The morrow will bring new strength, new hope,

new opportunities and new beginnings.

I will be ready to face them with a brave heart,

a calm mind, and an undaunted spirit.

In all things, I will do my best

and leave the rest to the infinite.

I will not waste my mental energy by useless worry.

I will learn to dominate my restless thoughts

and look on the bright side of things.

I will face the world bravely.

I will not be a coward.

I will assert my God-give birthright as a (wo)man.

For I am immortal, and nothing can overcome me.

 - Virginia Opal Myers -

As shared by a dear friend's father, while he was suffering from terminal stomach cancer.