Making It Work

Along the Road (Dan Fogelberg)
http://youtu.be/ywx6CIw3RIA

    Last night my husband and I were discussing love and life, and how both have changed over the years of our marriage. Our empty nest has necessitated some renegotiating of some areas of our life together. We have been reading the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman together and discussing some of the questions at the end of the book. It has given us a great opportunity to talk about some things that we have really needed to talk about for years, but just never had time to with the busyness of life with children at home. The discussions have brought back some memories and feelings, sometimes difficult ones, about the different times and events in our life together.

    One of the things that Gary Chapman brings up in Chapter 3 of the book is the difference between the euphoric feelings of  "falling in love" and "real love" (which usually naturally shifts at about two years into a marriage relationship). He states:

"....During the in-love stage, we felt all of those emotions. It was heavenly while it lasted. Our mistake was in thinking it would last forever.
     But that obsession was not meant to last forever. In the textbook of marriage, it is but the introduction. The heart of the book is rational, volitional love. That is the kind of love to which the sages have always called us. It is intentional.
     That is good news to the married couple who have lost all of their 'in love' feelings. If love is a choice, then they have the capacity to love after the 'in love' obsession has died and they have returned to the real world. That kind of love begins with an attitude -a way of thinking. Love is the attitude that says, 'I am married to you, and I choose to look out for your interests.' Then the one who chooses to love will find appropriate ways to express that decision."

    My husband and I were both blessed with examples of stable marriages in our parent's marriages. we learned much by watching our own parent's navigate their marriages. They also went through some definite challenges in their lives and in their marriages, but they also worked through the challenges and negotiated and re-negotiated the relationship to "make it work". Giving up was simply not an option.

      Let me make it clear that I do not advocate staying in any kind of an abusive relationship or situation. It does take each individual working at it to "make it work". Some things and situations are out of one's control, but I fear that too often couples give up too soon on their relationships. As with anything in life, the real growth comes with some growing pains. Sometimes it takes sacrifice and overcoming our own selfish tendencies - putting the partnership's interest first - to make a relationship work.

   I have learned that real love, like real happiness, is a choice. We have had good times and we have had some really difficult times in our marriage. As we have recently reminisced about the various times and situations in our lives we can see where both of us have had to make a conscious decision to "make it work". As we have learned to work through our differences, we have grown individually and as a couple.  By "making it work" I have had to learn to decide what is worth fighting or worrying about, and what is simply "chaff" that can be blown away by the wind. I think that one of the things that has made our marriage work is the level of commitment that we have toward each other and toward making our marriage work - no matter what. We both take our marriage covenants seriously and know that it needs to be a priority in our lives.  It has not always been easy, but it has always been worth it.

    I think that one of the greatest challenges, for me, is in finding the balance between meeting my own needs and the needs of others - including the ones I love. I am still learning this and trying to figure it out, and I probably will be for the rest of my life - and beyond. I am very grateful that we are still both willing to try and we are still committed to "making it work". That is the real blessing.
   
Somewhere Down the Road (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/p7vP6iAX4dw