Reality Check: Notes from a Younger Self

Reality Check: Notes from a Younger Self

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Somewhere (Barbra Streisand/Josh Groban)
http://youtu.be/aPgqeVROE_4

I have recently been re-reading some notes and quotes I copied. They were taken from readings of wise authors over the years.  I wanted to keep them safely in one spot so as to be able to reference them when I needed to. I started keeping these notes in a spiral-bound journal that I started in December of 2000, when I was having a mid-life crisis of sorts. I was looking for meaning, joy and happiness that I did not seem to be able to find in my day to day life at that time. I started searching for some answers to the bigger questions in my life, and as a result I started reading some great books written by some very wise people. Marianne Williamson, Cheryl Richardson, Sarah Ferguson - The Duchess of York, Sarah Ban Breathnach, to name a few. One of those quotes by "wise people" turned out to be mine!

I wrote an entry titled "Reality Check". It was a list I compiled for myself to read so as to be able to face some realities in my life that I was not wanting to face and deal with. After re-reading this I think I want to share it here for my own children to read someday, when they have to face the realities of their own life. Perhaps by putting it here it will give them the courage to face their own fears and realities. Maybe they will better understand me and the way I saw things back then, too. I have changed much over the past 17 years (life has a way of doing that to you) but the wisdom is still relevant and timeless.

Reality Check

September 1, 2001

 - I'll never be 20 years old again. I'll never be 30 or 35 or 40 years old again.

- I'm never going to weigh 130 lbs again, but now I exercise to feel better and stay healthy, not just to lose weight.

 - I'm never going to be able to live by my parents again in this life. Mom's gone. Dad won't live forever (he passed away in 2005). Time to "get a life" here." It's not about where you live, but how you live.

 - It's time to start "living in the moment" and enjoying who I am, where I am, and what I have/do. "Enjoy life, this is not a dress rehearsal."

 - We are never going to have enough money to be able to do all I would like to do, so do what we can, when we can, where we can and be grateful we can!

 - I won't be (fill in the blank)  forever, so do your best now so you have no regrets when the release comes, and endure to the end.

 - Don't fear the future callings, they are in the Lord's hands. "Always follow faith and never fear".

 - My children are growing up and away. Hopefully to someday be capable, responsible adults. Enjoy them while you still can.

 - Life holds no guarantees, just miracles and blessings for those open to receive and perceive them.

 - Don't quit!

What a blessing that I wrote this down! As I look back I can see the wisdom in living these words. Maybe I would add one more...

- Life is short, buy the shoes! ;-)

I Haven't Got Time for the Pain

Don't think. Feel (Neil Diamond)
http://youtu.be/6QVmhdXnhlE

Lots of people think that it is wrong to cry when you are afraid, hurt or sad, or even when you are full of joy. Others frown on those whose laughter fills the room when they are experiencing great joy. I'm here to tell you that I believe that to be a "profoundly dangerous" myth.

I ran across a video clip the other day that resonated with me. It's message - The Power of Vulnerability - has now come into my sphere of consciousness several time over the past few weeks. I think it's trying to tell me something. (Here is the clip for those who want to view it: The Power of Vulnerability (Dr. Brene Brown)
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html).

Over the past few years of my life I have come to better understand this "power of vulnerability". One of the symptoms that all was not right in my world was my inability to really feel deeply. At some of the most emotional and meaningful moments of my life all I felt was numb and disconnected.  I felt that I was simply going through the motions of life and getting through what needed to be done. The reality of this fact really hit me at significant events in which I knew I didn't feel the way I was supposed to feel. Over the process of time and understanding, I have come to realize that I had shut down my emotions and feelings.  I had felt such great pain and sorrow, that I became afraid to feel anything at all. I have found that in trying to "guard and protect my heart" from pain, I am also protecting it from feeling peace, love and joy.  Life is meant to be lived and felt.

Frankly, the past few years of my life have been quite the roller coaster ride of emotions. I became overloaded and therefore, I became afraid to feel anything anymore - good or bad. I did not want to be vulnerable to any more pain, but as a result I was also not able to feel much joy or happiness. I think that one reason I shut down emotionally was because I hadn't had enough time to, nor did I completely know how to, process one life-altering event before another one came along. I felt like a sinking swimmer desperately trying to come up for air and getting hit with another wave. Wave, upon wave - and I was barely breathing.

As hard as the past year has been for me it has also been a relief for me to finally have had enough down time to be able to process a lot of what has happened in my life over these past years. It has been a year of healing both physically and emotionally. Due to my physical health and other circumstances, I have been forced to deal with things that I would really rather not have ever had to deal with.  It has been sad, and sometimes quite painful in spite of my best efforts to avoid it.  I have come to realize how much I missed out on feeling because I would not allow myself to be vulnerable. I have also come to realize that vulnerability is what makes us human, it is what makes life worth living. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of humanness!

So, now I am finding that when I am in a situation in which I think I should be feeling a certain way - either joy or sorrow - and I am not feeling that way that there is something very wrong. I think that as I continue to explore understand this power of vulnerability, I am healing some of the underlying wounds and lighting up some of the darker places in my life. I am finding that in the long run it is much better to allow myself to feel what I need to feel than to suppress it, because these feelings inevitably come back later- stronger and more persistently.  I understand that being vulnerable will mean feeling more pain in my life, and I need to prepare myself for that possibility. But, it also opens up the possibility of feeling great peace, joy and happiness that has too long been absent from my life - and has been sorely missed. Life comes up short when the journey seems long.

I Haven't Got Time for the Pain (Carly Simon)
http://youtu.be/E3_l5Ss203I

An Examined Life

"An unexamined life is not worth living"
- Socrates

February Song (Josh Groban)

http://youtu.be/qEKrPID-PeI

    I have a ritual that I have been doing since February 2006. There is something about losing one's parents that brings to the forefront the reality of ones mortality. So, in February 2006, I decided that I needed to write my autobiography. I think this was a response, in part, to the fact that I had just lost my last parent and I was trying to make some sense of my life. Now every February, usually around my birthday, I try to update this autobiography with details of the previous year. 

    Another factor that contributed to my decision to doing this autobiography, was the fact that neither of my parents left much of a personal history for me and my siblings, nor therefore, our posterity. My parents were wonderful people, real people. They had their share (well, maybe more than their share) of sorrow and challenges, as well as joy and happiness. They lived rich, full lives and I felt like my children would never have the opportunity to really know them or about them unless I did something about it. These feelings later led to my organizing and writing each of their biographies for our family members. That was no small task. I had to put together their stories from bits and pieces of materials and information they left behind. I did my best to put the pieces of their lives together, but it would have been SO much easier if they had either done it themselves or allowed one of us to help them do it while they were still living. There were so many questions I would have liked to be able to ask them about certain events, places and people in their lives. Some questions still remain and will forever remain unanswered. 

     As part of my motivation to write this year I decided to dig into some old photographs of myself and my family. These photos have been sitting in a box in my closet for about thirteen years. I was determined I was going to make a dent in sorting through them and organizing them into some kind of an album or scrap book. My intentions were really noble, but the reality proved to be something much different. We are not the best at taking pictures of events throughout the year, but we are really good at taking pictures on birthdays and at Christmas time. Therefore, a lot of the pictures I started working through were of Christmases past. As I began looking at them I was quite shocked at what came to my attention.  When I looked at the pictures of the Christmas just prior to my mother's death in 2000, and the pictures of the Christmas in 2005, just after my father's death, the contrast of the look on my face and my demeanor between the two photos was so stark and so contrasting that it took my breath away. The look of grief on my face was obvious, and I felt that old familiar lump begin to rise in my throat. I simply could not, at that time, continue to sort through the photos. I had to put them aside for another day and another time.

      This experience has caused me to stop and think about who I was then and who I am now, and about the journey that has led me to this place. I saw the innocence and the joy on my face as I had opened a special gift from my mother that Christmas of 2000, before she died. It was a clock like "barometer of my husband's moods" that had hung on her wall ever since I could remember. On our trip to their home earlier that year I had expressed my desire to have that item when she died, and she had decided to gift it to me for that Christmas. Did she somehow know what would happen to her in just a few months? Needless to say, it is one of my most precious possessions. Fast forward 5 years to the Christmas following my father's death. He had died about a month earlier and the look of heavy grief and anguish was written all over my face. 

     Much has happened in our family since those Christmases of not-so-long ago. Time has moved on amazingly fast, and we with it. Children have grown up and moved on, and our family has grown larger with the addition of two in-laws. We have had much to celebrate over the past few years. Still, as I approach each February I always get that tug at my heart to revisit my life story and examine my life over the past year. It just seems to help me to get a perspective and to realize my blessings and just how important it is to not take anything for grandid; and to chose to live my life fully and mindfully. Sometimes I get fearful and restless, wondering what is next along my path. I get fearful of the future and what challenges might or do lie ahead. Restless about what new adventure is just around the bend. But when I look back, I am always thankful for the blessing of having lived one more year, one more day. My hope is that someday when my children look at my life story they will see someone of whom they can be proud to call theirs, someone who met her challenges with grace, dignity, courage and faith and trust in God. 

This One's For You (A song Barry Manilow wrote for his deceased grandfather, who started him on his journey to becoming a musical legend.)

 http://youtu.be/wLeNzA1OIcM

Somnambulism



I'm In A Hurry (Alabama)

http://youtu.be/CICwZ01bT3w

som·nam·bu·lism, n.

 - pronounced  - som-nam-byuh-liz-uh m, meaning: sleepwalking.


     I was first introduced to the term "somnambulism" in my Introduction to Communications Technologies class. I had never heard the term before then, but I have thought of it often since then in several different contexts. This time of year it bears asking the questions, "Do you suffer from somnambulism? Are you sleepwalking through life, especially during the busy holiday season?"

     I remember when I was a mother of young children how difficult it was on the days I didn't get enough sleep at night. It felt like I was literally sleepwalking through my days. In fact, lack of sleep is what I remember the most from those days. It was a challenge to maintain a positive attitude and be kind and loving when all I wanted to do was be able to sleep uninterrupted through the night. I still have some of that insomnia in this stage of my life, but that is for a different reason all together - though related (darned hormones).

     I have recently become aware of how much we figuratively sleepwalk through our lives. We often over schedule our time, or we feel such a deep sense of responsibility that we seem to going through life on autopilot.  Our society values business and equates it with productivity, and because of this it can lead us down the slippery slope to sleepwalking through our lives. I am not advocating laziness, but there is such a thing as too much busy-ness. So, how do you know when you are sleepwalking through your life?

    Here are a symptoms that I have noticed that would indicate one is sleepwalking through their life:

     1. Finding it difficult to relax when you have nothing on your agenda.
   
     2. Finding yourself sitting in front of a computer doing work for more than 8 hours a day, especially when you are no longer technically "at work".

     3. You can't remember what you ate for breakfast, lunch or dinner.

     4. You are so exhausted at the end of the day that all you want to do is go to bed.

     5. You lose your temper and snap at loved ones when all they want to do is be with you.

     6. You cry, a lot, and every day or, the tears lie just below the surface most of the time.

     7. You feel like you can never get caught up, there is always something looming on your "to do" list.

     8. You have a hard time feeling connected to a greater being, life force, or God. You feel alone.

     9. You feel like if you are asked to do one more thing you will explode.

    10. You don't remember the last time you felt anticipation for or joy about an event or project.

     These are just a few symptoms that would indicate you are suffering from somnambulism, I'm sure there are many more and that you could probably come up with additional ones to add to the list. Let me be clear that I am not an expert on how to manage somnambulism, but I would like to give a few suggestions from my own and others experiences, that I think can help:

   1. Take time each day to pray or meditate, preferably in the morning before you start your day. Connect with God and ask Him to guide your actions/choices for that day. Ask Him to help you determine what are the most important things that needs to be done, and to help you to let go of those lesser important ones.

   2. Read something uplifting at least once a day. I first read this idea in Steven R. Covey's book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and have incorporated it into my days. I find it helps to keep me focused on what matters most. It's a vital part of "sharpening the saw" (for you Covey fans out there).

   3. Connect with loved ones, preferably face-to-face. If you unable to be with loved ones then by all means a phone call or Skype is acceptable. I think we are too much connected via technology, so much so that we forget how to connect physically, face-to-face. There is something about seeing facial expressions and hearing voice fluctuations that makes us human.

    4. Do a good turn daily. I borrow this one from The Boy Scouts of America. If I am too busy to do something good or kind for someone on a daily basis, then I am too busy, period. It doesn't have to be a big thing, a simple smile for the grocery clerk can make their day!

     5. Slow down and do some deep breathing at least once a day, and if possible, include a 15 minute power nap. This forces you to "slow down and smell the roses", so to speak, and can really help with maintaining energy and staying focused on what matters most.

     6. Move. When I say move, I don't mean you have to spend hours at the gym (because who really has hours to spend at the gym anyway?) What I mean is to get at least 20 to 30 minutes of exercise 5 days a week. That's the minimum requirement, if you have time and energy to do more then go for it. I prefer yoga, walking or biking, but do what you love and what brings you joy.

     7. Keep a gratitude journal. When I write down at least 3 things for which I am grateful before I lay my head on the pillow at night, I find I am much happier and feel much less greedy or needy about what supposedly I don't have and I don't really need.  "All we have is all we need". This act forces me to review my day and what has happened in it; and, it helps me to see not only my blessings but also where I need to make changes.

     8. No "screens" an hour prior to bedtime. I ran across this and found it to be a brilliant suggestion! It is hard to get the mind to wind down and shut off if it continues to replay the latest adventure, drama, upsetting email or Facebook posting. Give yourself time to unwind and clear the head. And - shut off that cell phone before you go to bed! There are seriously few things that are so important they require you to be that connected 24-7! The brain needs some free space everyday, just to be able to process what has happened and categorize it to make some sense, and to regenerate more brain cells for tomorrow's adventures.

     9. And finally, give thanks to God for the privilege of living another day. Our life is a gift from God, what we do with this life is our gift to Him. As my friend says, "never complain about growing old, it is a privilege given to few". I like to do this before I fall asleep at night because I can then review how things went that day and ask for God to continue to watch over me and guide me life journey.

     These are some things that I find work for me that help me to have a better quality life and avoid sleepwalking through it. I'm sure if you took some time to think about it you could come up with some of your own. I know there are plenty of resources "out there" that can help to manage this syndrome, if we only had the time to find and read them. Hmmm, could we be suffering from somnambulism?

The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy) (Simon & Garfunkel)
http://youtu.be/TJBhdKrwTOc



Lead, Kindly Light



"Sometimes God calms the storm.

Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child."

When You Come Back to Me Again (Originally by Garth Brooks, this version is a cover, but the video presentation is great)
http://youtu.be/781uZVEPFUo

        "A lighthouse is an ensign on a hill, shining its light across the raging seas, beaconing the wayward sailor to safe waters and warning of the rocky dangers that threaten to dash their ships to pieces and relinquish them to the murky depths of the ocean.  They represent what I wanted to be, a lighthouse standing like an island in the midst of raging storms, beaming hope to those who may be lost.
            Lighthouses are unique.  No two have the same stripes, and lenses are specifically cut for that lighthouse.  A lens from a lighthouse in California would not fit one from Oregon or Virginia.  They are each different with their own character and history.  The number of cuts on the lens determines the ability for their light to pierce through the misty darkness, reaching ships farther from the shore.  In like manner, the cuts we sustain through our trials, if accepted without complaint, allow us that ability to shine more brilliantly and reach the hearts of those around us who may be struggling." (Excerpt from A True Story, Mother Had a Secret, Learning to Love My Mother & Her Multiple Personalities by Tiffany Fletcher)

      I received the above quote from a dear friend this past week. She is very much aware of the trials and struggles I have experienced over the past few years, and has been a listening ear and a great support to me through them. She mentioned that as she read this passage in the book she couldn't help but think of me and wanted to pass it along to me. I am grateful for her thoughtfulness. I cannot, however, say that I have accepted every trial without complaint. But, I do have lots of "cuts" that I hope will make my inner light "shine more brilliantly and reach the hearts of those around [me] who may be struggling."

     I happen to live in a small tourist town on the shores of Lake Michigan, and we have a lighthouse in the harbor not too far from our home. There have been many times when I have felt lonely and in need of comfort as I have walked along the pier or along the beach and looked out past the lighthouse to the water. As I watch the waves come in and go out, their rhythm seems to sooth my weary soul and I am comforted.

    There have been times over the last few years of my life when I have felt like I was in the midst of a storm at sea and the waves keep coming - wave after wave after wave - and I have barely had enough time to come up for air! It has been a time of confusion and fear, frustration and isolation. I have felt at times like no one understands what I am experiencing, let alone knows what to do to help me!

    But I have found that there is One who does understand what I have been going through, and that is my loving Heavenly Father. He has been my "lighthouse" through my stormy seas. I have held on tightly to my faith in Him and his son, Jesus Christ - the "rock". They have been the "life preservers" that have kept me afloat through the midst of these storms. I honestly do not think that I would have survived without their constant loving support and guidance. Prayer and scripture reading are the materials that make up the "life preserver" to which I have clung. Admittedly, I have at times prayed more out of habit than sincere desire, but at other times I have poured out my heart and soul to God through my prayers. Seeking guidance, peace and healing through my communications with Him. I know in whom I can trust and to whom I can look to receive much needed guidance and solace.

    I attended a large university for my freshmen year of college. I often felt homesick, alone and invisible as I would walk amid the masses of people across the campus. Often I would look up at the huge mountains in the distance and wonder, "What am I doing here"? One day as I was walking across the campus I saw an old friend, a Seminary teacher from my high school days. He inquired as to how I was adjusting to college life and I shared with him my feelings of homesickness and loneliness. Through the course of our conversation he suggested that I go home and read the words to the hymn, "Lead, Kindly Light", and it would bring me some comfort. I took his advice and I did that. This experience brought me peace and understanding of the love that my Heavenly Father had for me at a time when I needed it the most. That hymn has had a special place in my heart ever since that day, so much so that I decided to use it as the opening hymn at my father's funeral. It continues to bring me peace and comfort.

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene—one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor pray’d that thou
Shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

So long thy pow’r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Text: John Henry Newman, 1801–1890

Music: John B. Dykes, 1823–1876

     As I continue along this life journey facing yet another trial in the near future, I know to whom I can look to help guide me through this "storm of life". The same being to whom I have always turned when I needed a helping hand to lift me up out of the "storms of life", my loving Father in Heaven. "If God has led you to it, He will lead you through it". So, lead, kindly light.

“Light – more light!”

 – Last words of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Like a Lighthouse (performed by Drew Reese, written by Michael Webb)

http://youtu.be/p4EqYZKbWSE

(Dedicated to my dear friends, Maren and Kim B. Thank you, and may God lead you through the storms of life, as He has led me. I love you!)

"To Every Thing There is a Season"





“Fall. Stand. Learn. Adapt.”
― Mike Norton, Fighting For Redemption: Hangambiiki

Where Do I Go From Here? (England Dan and John Ford Coley)

http://youtu.be/sDdyA7Ka40Q

    Autumn seems to always make me very introspective and nostalgic. I have recently been re-reading through some of my handwritten journal entries for the past few years. It is interesting to read my thoughts and experiences from this side of them. When I am going through the events I feel like I just have to write to get the feelings out of me and on to the page. As I read them in retrospect, I see attitudes that I have miss-taken and some character weaknesses that need to be revised. That is one of the beauties of keeping a consistent journal, I can learn from my writings and understand where I need to adapt, and what course corrections I need to make along my life path.

    It's comforting and reassuring to know that I can adjust my patterns and thinking, I can change. I don't have to, nor do I want to, repeat the undesirable patterns. There have been times in my life when I have felt a little "lost" and a little unsure of where to go or what to do next. It seems that when I take the time to read through my journals I get a better sense of who I am, where I came from, and what direction I need to go next to become who I want to be. Some of my choices I am not proud of,  and those are the times that I beat myself up a little and feel ashamed; but they are also the times that make me want to change my course and learn from them, correct myself and not repeat the same mistakes.

     Other entries make me feel good about how I handled a particular situation which could have turned out really bad. The writing has kept me on an even keel and let me vent my frustrations and feelings in a "safe place", before I reacted and did something that I know I would have regretted later. I think sometimes we just need "someone" to "talk" to, someone to tell us we aren't "lost". My journal does that for me.

     When I am in a bad place in life it has helped me to reread about a time in my life when I was in a really good place. A time when I felt secure, confident, wise. When I reread what I wrote at those times and I take the time to pause and think about what my wiser self wrote, I am amazed that it came out of me! It motivates me, inspires me to keep going, and to once again try harder to get beyond whatever it is I am struggling with that is keeping me from being my best self.

     To me, life spirals in cycles. I think of our life cycles much like the seasons of the year, and they often correspond. Like the changing of the seasons, we have our time to be introspective. We have our time of  hibernation (or incubation?), to rest, renew, and regroup. We are still living, still growing (sometimes more than we know), even when we appear to be dormant. When the "season shifts" we are then better able to break forth and blossom, baffling the world with our brilliance! (Well, at least we hope so ;-)). "To every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven." (Ecclesiastes 3:1). I guess it's time to bring out the sweaters and turn on the heat....

"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."

[Albert Camus]

 

Lost (Michael Buble)

http://youtu.be/LFq3HIEucjs

On waiting

"The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or impatient.

To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith.

 Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches. Patience and faith.

One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach - waiting for a gift from the sea."

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh from Gifts from the Sea

Beautiful Heartbreak (Hilary Weeks)

http://youtu.be/xyX-I-um5Kk

    Let's just say that patience is not one of my character strengths. It is a trait that I seem to continually have to revisit and relearn. Countless times during my life I have run up against life experiences that foster this trait. As a young women, I was one of the last of my peers to marry. We finally conceive our first child when I was unsure whether we would ever have the childbirth experience. I miscarried the second pregnancy. We conceive our second live birth, and she threatened to miscarry. After her safe arrival and time passed we tried again to conceive, only to have that pregnancy also end in a miscarriage. I questioned and I agonized as to why. Why did this keep happening? What was I doing wrong? What was wrong with me? Anyone who has ever miscarried a baby understands the emotional and physical pain and anquish that these experiences bring. All of the questions that one agonizes over when tragedy strikes or your expectations go unfulfilled. Then, a few years after the birth of our third child, I conceived again and once again I miscarried that baby.  I felt that I had asked all of the questions, but received none of the answers.  Finally, after that last miscarrige, I received my answer - the Rh Factor. My husband is Rh postive and I am Rh negative and our blood types don't mesh. More questions. Why didn't the doctors discover this information before my last two miscarriages? Why did the original lab technician mistype my blood? Why did I have to go through eleven years of questions and no answers? Why did I have to go through all of the pain and anguish of the three (possibly 4) miscarriages? What is the purpose for all of this suffering? Why me?

     The answers have eventually come, "line upon line, and precept upon precept; here a little and there a little." God allowed these experiences to teach me to trust in Him and His plan for me. These experiences brought me to my knees many times. They forced me to ask the big questions and to seek for the answers. These experiences taught me to be grateful for what I did have, and to do the best I could to care for what I had been given. I have developed an empathy and compassion for others who have experienced or experiencing similar challenges. I have since seen the wisdom in the way God has unfolded the pathway of my life. I have three wonderful children with whom I have an unbreakable bond. First and foremost, I will always be a mother.

     Other difficult life experiences have caused me to ask "the big questions". Experiences that I would have preferred not to have had. Multiple moves, the deaths of loved ones, the separation from family and friends, and now an impending knee surgery when I was just going to get started on a second career. I am trying to keep my eternal perspective about this amidst the fear and the awful stories that those who have experienced this type of surgery feel obligated to share with me (whether I want them to or not). This is not what I would have chosen for this time in my life journey. Just like the miscarriages, this is not what I wanted to have happen. I do not understand why now, why this? Especially when I have been working so hard and diligently to make future plans and move forward to build and fill what is left of my life here on this earth. Apparently, this is not in God's plan for me at this time, He has something else in mind.

     One thing that I have come to understand is that God's timing is perfect. My plan is not always His plan. He has a reason and I, once again, am having to trust Him and His plan for me. If there is one thing that I hope I have learned over all of my years of unfulfilled expectations it is that even though it may not be what I want, God's plan is better and the growth that will come as a result of my experience will be just what I need to become what God needs for me to become. To think that we are "in charge" is just an illusion. I find it is so much better when I can surrender to God's will and go with the flow and not fight it. Peace and patience come as I learn to "let go and let God". I do not know where this path is leading me, but God does. I know Him, I trust Him and I know that with his grace and love, I will be able to endure another trial of my faith and patience.  I can't help but wonder what "gifts" this experience will bring - time, reflection, healing. Only He knows, and for now this has to be sufficient for me.

I Will Follow God's Plan for Me

http://youtu.be/ri7zwb0xj9I

Someday I'll Find "it"



Mandy/Could It Be Magic? (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/7NKxzKRBk-0

      I had the priviledge of attending another Barry Manilow concert last night (my fourth). What a show and what a showman!! I have had an ongoing relationship with Barry since I was 13 years old! I knew from the first time that I heard "Mandy" and "Could It Be Magic?" that there was something very special and different about this artist. Who knew?!! To me, Barry is a shining example of someone who found his "calling" early in life and has made a life of "music and passion" by pursuing his passion for music. I admit, I envy people like him - those who figured out early in life their purpose and then go for it! I know his childhood growing up in Brooklyn was "less than ideal", but look what a life he has made out of it! He has chosen to rise above his "circumstances" and gone on to have a "successful" life he seems to love.

(sigh)

     Barry had his grandfather who believed in his talents and abilities, and that was a huge motivator and support for his chosen profession. I don't know that I had that level of support growing up. My parents were great people and I knew they loved me.  They gave me a great life foundation, but I don't see them as the "cheerleaders" in my life. There are a lot of reasons for this that I won't go into, but I sometimes wonder if my life would have turned out differently had I had someone cheering me on and telling me "you're not so bad" (All The Time by Barry Manilow http://youtu.be/sXj8djMeMzs). In fact, you are really good at _______? Everyone needs a "cheerleader" in their life. Everyone needs to feel like they are good at something.

    I have always thought it would nice to have known early in my life what my life's purpose was. I feel like I have wasted a lot of time and energy trying to figure out "what I wanna be when I grow up". Don't get me wrong, I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother. But, I have always felt like there is something more that I am supposed to do in my lifetime. I have taught piano lessons for over 20 years, and have had lots of fun (and some frustration) doing it. I hope I have blessed lives along the way. But now, as I am reaching the end of the "child raising years", I am wondering what else there is for me to do.

     I guess that this is why I continue to explore new avenues and try new things. Never stop growing! This is why I went back to college in my late 40's. I'm not what I would call adventureous or a risk taker, but I do enjoy learning about new things and thinking "outside of the box". I think when I felt that familiar restlessness that there is just something more for me to do, I went back to what I was familiar with to try to figure it out - i.e. back to school. I have enjoyed my 3 years back in college, but I'm now feeling that my life's journey is taking me in another direction. I think that this time there is something new that I need to explore and try.  I continue to hope that "someday I'll find it , the rainbow connection, the lovers the dreamers  - and me...."

The Rainbow Connection

http://youtu.be/f5_y0s-COl8

Tainted "Love"

“Everyone suffers at least one bad betrayal in their lifetime. It’s what unites us. The trick is not to let it destroy your trust in others when that happens. Don’t let them take that from you.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Invincible

The Stranger (Billy Joel)
http://youtu.be/q6yQ14TGB8U

     Yesterday I had an "interesting" experience that as I have thought about since, and as I look back on it from this side of it, it could have been a very "scarey" experience - perhaps fatal. It involved helping someone in need. I didn't know this person and I was naive to the possible dangers that could have resulted from my trying to help. It wasn't until after I was safely home that I thought of what could have happened to me, or to my family, as a result of my "good intentions".

     I have had other similar experiences to this at times in my life, and sometimes I have gotten burned from helping someone else. For example, One time, thought I didn't know it at that time, I was enabling someone to feed their prescription drug addiction habit. I like to give people the "benefit of the doubt" and so, in my naive and innocent way, I was thinking I was helping them out when they needed a ride to a doctor's office or to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy. Often these requests would come at inconvenient times and take away from the needs of my own family. It wasn't until I was recovering from having a baby and received a phone call from this person asking me to take her to the doctor that the truth was made clear. I refused to do so, which then sparked a verbally insulting exchange. Suddenly, the light went on in my head and I realized what I had been doing. I felt betrayed and used. Others had tried to warn me, but I thought they were being judgmental and overreacting, and I was being "charitable".

     So, how do you discern the individuals who are sincerely "in need" and the "poser"? This is a really tricky one for me. My natural tendency is to be kind and want to help someone that I see someone who is seemingly in need. However, I have found that sometimes this is not always the best idea. I need to stop and think the situation through and work through possible scenarios in my mind of the possible consequences of taking on their situation before I get myself into it. I need to "build in a pause" and evaluate. As a Christian, it is a challenge for me to know when I should give service to another who might really be in need, or when not to help because I might be enabling a bad behavior or addiction. Sometimes the line becomes very, very fuzzy. One thing that I do try to do is to pray before I act in such a situation, trusting that God will warn me of any dangers. Another thing I try to do is to put my own needs and the needs of my family first. Sometimes I don't do this, and it is usually then that I get myself into sticky situations like yesterday (when I really needed to be home preparing a lesson for an activity and dinner for my family).

    I have pondered about these incidents before. One time, as I was pondering this dilemma, and I came across a quote that helped me to get a somewhat better idea about what direction to go when faced with this dilemma. It said something about erring on the side of generousity and charity - of helping and serving in a Christlike way. Then, if something happens you will know that you were innocently trying to "do the right thing" and will be blessed for it. The "curse" will be upon those who "despitefully use and persecute" you. That gave me some clarity, but I still feel kind of uncomfortable when I get myself into such situations, especially when I feel that my trust had been betrayed or that I have been used for unseeming measures.  When something like that happens to me I tend to pull away from and shun people for a while, just to get my balance and perspective back - get a "reality check" of sorts.

   I think the trick is like the quote at the top of this entry states: "The trick is not to let it destroy your trust in others when that happens. Don’t let them take that from you.” That is hard to do when you have been put in such difficult and dishonest situations. It is difficult to not get "tainted", bitter, angry and resentful. I think it is only human to do so, but the trick is to not let it be a permanent situation; to not be a victim twice and to try to continue to have an open, kind and loving heart and attitude even though it has been trampled on a bit. That being said, learn from the incident, and try not to get yourself back in the same situation again.  I have to remind myself  that I cannot control what another person does to themselves, but I can control what they do to me and how I choose to respond to their actions. That is my right as a human being. I try to remember what Jesus taught about loving our neighbor as ourselves - not in spite of ourselves; which I interpret to mean that I need to take care of myself and my family first, and others as I can and feel comfortable doing. I can love my neighbor, but I do not need to enable their bad behaviors.

     It can be difficult to know if such situations are a test of my integrity and level of charity, or a tactic Satan is using to try to destroy me. Satan can be very deceptive and I have to always be on my guard for his tactics. Sometimes I get tired and sometimes I get a little to prideful and, as I learned yesterday, the world can be a very scarey and unsure place. I need to constantly be vigilant about protecting the things that are the most important to me - my life, my health, my safety, my family, my time, my resources - and my heart.

Tainted Love (Soft Cell)
http://youtu.be/7rik7xV7Tj4

Learn To Be Still

"If, like Herod, we fill our lives with things,
and again with things;
if we consider ourselves so unimportant that
we must fill every moment of our lifes with action,
when will we have the time to make the long, slow journey
across the dessert as did the Magi?
Or sit and watch the stars as did the shepherds?
Or brood over the coming of the child as did Mary?
For each one of us, there is a desert to travel.
A star to discover.
And a being within ourselves to bring to life."

Author Unknown

Learn To Be Still (The Eagles)
http://youtu.be/gjBvxyEAyos

     It is about this time of year I usually find myself with way too many things on my plate and way too little time for everything - especially myself! I snap at my husband and my children. My house is a disaster. I grumble because I don't have enough. Enough help, enough time, enough money or enough resources to do it all - or at least what "everyone else" thinks I "should" be doing. You can imagine what a musician's life can be like at Christmas time! I'm a grouch and I make my life and the lives of those around me, miserable. About now I usually "hit the wall" and realize that I am over scheduled, over committed, over stressed, over tired and overwhelmed.

ENOUGH!

    This is when I need to stop, to be still, and to take some time to sit back and re-evaluate how I am spending my most valuable asset - my time. How can I simplify? Do I really need to spend my time and energy doing some of the things I am doing? Do I really need to bake those cookies or that dish for the potluck? Can't I just purchase them from already made from the grocery store? Who will care anyway?  Do I really have to chaperone that dance, accompany that song, or attend that party, even though everyone is "screaming" that they just "have to have me there". Really? What if I just say "no", won't that event go off without me? I have always been a "pleaser" and so I am especially susceptible and vulnerable to wanting to please everyone else on the list - except myself. I feel so guilty when I can't do everything everyone wants me to do. It's an illness. My name doesn't usually even appear on "the list", let alone at the top of it!

     Something that I am learning about myself is that I have to "learn to be still". If I don't take care of myself then who will? You know the old saying "if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy", well I find it applies in this case. I am the "heart of the home", so then it makes sense to put "Momma" back on the list - hopefully at the top of it. It's time for a little "joy" break, a little "extreme self-care" (as Cheryl Richardson calls it).   It becomes time to prioritize, eliminate, and/or "just say no". The holiday season is supposed to be a happy time for all, but it is hard to feel happy when you don't - even though you are "supposed to". If I am not feeling the "joy of the holiday season" - or the joy of living in general -then perhaps it might be time to "be still" and look into my heart and decide what it is that I really need and/or want, and what it is that I really don't! What will bring me joy? What won't, and if it doesn't then why am I doing it?

     I think that what I might just need is a silent night. A night without having to meet anyone else's demands but my own. Hmmm, maybe even a "spa" night. Well, this might just turn out to be the best gift I can give myself this year!

I Need a Silent Night (Amy Grant)
http://youtu.be/OowjEFrSWfs