"It is well with my soul"

"Goin' Home" Alex Boye and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
https://youtu.be/AAw78FOkhZs

It has been quite some time since I last wrote on this blog. Mainly because there has not been too much that I wanted to blog about, until today....

The past couple of weeks have been challenging. My daughter has been going through some struggles, and I lost a dear friend, neighbor and mentor to cancer and congestive heart failure. It is my friend, Rachel that I want to blog about today.

Rachel was a special soul. She loved everyone unconditionally. She never said an unkind word and always made you feel like you were "her favorite" when you would visit with her. She never had a lot in the way of worldly possessions, but she was rich in so many other ways. She would always welcome your visit and never made you feel like it was inconvenient for her.

Rachel lost her dear husband about 2 1/2 years ago, they were inseparable. She has missed him greatly over the past few years. On top of losing her husband (the love of her life) she also lost a daughter and a brother in the past two years. It had been a long and difficult few years for her.

Over the past year or so, I would make it a point to check on her or go and visit her on Thursday afternoons (my day off of work). We would talk for an hour or more, and we both came away supported, uplifted and able to carry on with the tasks of living. However, in mid-October, Rachel's health began to deteriorate rather quickly and we knew it was just a matter of time until the inevitable. Rachel had chosen not to seek treatment for her conditions and so we knew it was only a matter of a few weeks until she would pass through the veil to join her loved ones there.  She made it through Christmas and her granddaughter's birthday, and then it felt alright to go "home".

I saw Rachel the evening before she passed away. It was a Monday night. My husband, daughter and I went to visit her at the hospice where she was being cared for. Her oldest son was there with her. She was unconscious and her breathing was labored. Because of the experience I had when my own mother passed away, I knew it was just a matter of hours before she would leave us. She passed away quietly at 1:00 a.m. on Tuesday morning.

When I awoke on Tuesday morning I did not know that she had passed, but when I checked my Facebook feed I had a feeling that she had crossed over. A video clip was posted by Alex Boye of him singing the spiritual "Going Home" along with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir,and I had a feeling. The words to a scripture came into my mind...the same one that brought me great peace and comfort following the death of my mother 15 years ago.

 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14: 27) ... and I knew.

I soon had word that she had passed away. Before Rachel got so very ill, but when she knew she was going to die, a few of us sat down with her and pre-planned her funeral. She requested that I and two other friends dress her body in preparation for burial. She also requested that I play the organ at her service, and she requested a special musical number "It Is Well With My Soul" be performed at the service. She wanted my husband to give a talk, along with two other individuals, dear friends. All of her wishes were honored.

Fast forward 10 days... to today. The funeral has passed and we are all beginning to adjust to our life without Rachel in it. It is Thursday, the day that I would have usually made my connection with Rachel. I was feeling a little down, but that is not unusual under the circumstances. In preparation for a church activity tonight I needed to go to the store, Meijer, to pick up a snack to share. While walking through the store I came across a plaque with the words "It is well with my soul" printed on it, and I knew...it was a message from Rachel to me. It was the last one of its kind, on sale, at Meijer (where I used to always see Rachel and Ted), on Thursday. It felt like a Rachel was telling me that all was well. It was very unexpected, but also very welcome.

After my shopping trip I decided to drive over to where Rachel and Ted are buried to check on the graves. On my way home from the cemetery I heard the song "I Will Remember You" by Sarah Mclaughlan on the radio....the song that connects me to my mother. Coincidences you might ask? Perhaps, but I don't think so. I don't believe in coincidences, but I do believe in divine intervention and divine communications, and that is what I believe happened today. The veil can be very thin sometimes, and it would be just like Rachel to want me to know that she was fine and all was well. It was very reassuring because we had had a few discussions since her husband's passing that were filled with some doubt and uncertainty (on her part) about life after death.

I will miss Rachel very much. She was like a second mother to me after my mother passed away, and a substitute grandmother to my children for the past 17 years that we have been neighbors. She was a dear friend, a great support, a mentor and a care giver. We shared many good and bad times together and we helped each other through some of the hardest things mortality can bring. I am so thankful to have known this sweet soul, and I look forward to "goin' home" and seeing her again someday. For now I must be content to know that she is not far away, just out of sight.

Thank you, Rachel for another Thursday visit. I love you, dear friend..."I will remember you".

"It Is Well With My Soul"  - Chris Rice
https://youtu.be/ulfBlMdkT-E

The Origin of the Christmas Creche

Angels We Have Heard on High (Home Free)
http://youtu.be/teSuDu84kMc

It's a part of many Christmas celebrations - the Christmas creche, or Nativity scene, graces tables and churchyards throughout the holiday season. Saint Francis of Assisi is credited with starting the tradition, and in his The Life of Saint Francis of Assisi, Saint Bonaventure tells us the story. (Saint Bonaventure - 1263)

     "It happened in the third year before his death, that in order to excite the inhabitants of Grecio to commemorate the nativity of the Infant Jesus with great devotion, [St. Francis] determined to keep it with all possible solemnity; and lest he should be accused of lightness or novelty, he asked and obtained the permission of the sovereign Pontiff. Then he prepared a manger, and brought hay, and an ox and an ass to the place appointed. The brethren were summoned, the people ran together, the forest resounded with their voices, and the venerable night was made glorious by many and brilliant lights and sonorous psalms of praise. The man of God [St. Francis] stood before the manger, full of devotion and piety, bathed in tears and radiant with joy; the Holy Gospel was chanted by Francis, the Levite of Christ. Then he preached to the people around the nativity of the poor King; and being unable to utter His name for the tenderness of his love, he called Him the Babe of Bethlehem. A certain valiant and veracious soldier, Master John of Grecio, who, for the love of Christ, had left the warfare of this world, and become a dear friend of this holy man, affirmed that he beheld an Infant marvelously beautiful, sleeping in the manger, Whom the blessed Father Francis embraced with both his arms, as if he would awake Him from sleep. This vision of the devout soldier is credible, not only by reason of the sanctity of him that saw it, but by reason of the miracles which afterward confirmed its truth. For example of Francis, if it be considered by the world, is doubtless sufficient to excite all hearts which are negligent in the faith of Christ; and the hay of that manger, being preserved by the people, miraculously cured all diseases of cattle, and many other pestilences; God thus in all things glorifying his servant, and witnessing to the great efficacy of his holy prayers by manifest prodigies and miracles." (Source: A Classic Christmas. Harper One, 2009 pages 237-238)

     Almost every Christmas for the past 15 years we have celebrated the holiday performing or participating in some form of a Christmas Creche with family and friends. When our children were younger we would dress them in the various attire of the characters of the Creche, and they would act out the parts as the Nativity story was read. Some years they were angels, some years shepherds, and some years the animals. My son would often play the part of the narrator because he was of an age where he was a bit old for dressing up to act out the parts, but he was still willing to participate. My daughters and their friends would happily dress up and play the various parts. We would insert appropriate Christmas Carols to sing together throughout the program so as to be able to include all of the adults in attendance, and to generally add to the celebration and pageantry of the occasion. These are some of my happiest memories of Christmases past. 

     This year our church group has decided to perform a pageant at the Ward Christmas Party involving most of the young children. They all seem to be very excited about having the opportunity. I have been involved due to the fact that I play the piano for the young children in Primary (our children's organization - similar to Sunday School for you non-LDS readers). I have to admit, most ashamedly, I have been much less than enthusiastic about doing this again this year. As I have previously mentioned, it has been a very difficult year for my family, and me personally, this year and I had secretly hoped to be allowed to take a breather this year from the pageantry and pomp that can get so involved and overwhelming this time of year. Needless to say, I was less than excited to be dragged into doing yet another Christmas Creche and on an even grander scale that usual this year. My attitude might be compared to that of Ebeneezer Scrooge, in fact. Unfortunately, I let this attitude spill over on to some of my co-workers on this project this year and I have added discomfort and Grinchiness to their holiday season. I have been so caught up in worrying about how this all will affect me and my holiday stress (adding to an already stressful year) that I lost sight of the purpose and meaning behind what we are trying to do. I have been complaining, grouchy and downright Scroogey about the whole thing, but this morning I had an epiphany! I had a visit from a "ghost of Christmas past" so to speak. This morning I awoke thinking about the pageant and knowing that my bad attitude toward the whole thing simply had to change - for everyone's sake. So I got to thinking about our past pageant experiences and what a sweet spirit and joyful experience they had been to share with our children and our friends. I was usually the one behind the piano and rarely got to experience the entire program, but the spirit that came and permeated the room when we did the pageants was undeniable - it was really what brought in the true Spirit of Christmas. 

    Our children are all grown now and most of them have moved away, so we no longer have the opportunity to perform the Christmas Creches like we have done in the past. There are many children in our Ward who would never have the opportunity to participate in such an experience unless we provide that opportunity to them through such a venue as the Ward Christmas Party. It will be a bittersweet experience this year because of the departure of our dear friend, Bob Roll, who passed away suddenly just a month ago. Our two families enjoyed many a Christmas Creche together. How lucky we all were to have the opportunity to participate in such a special and reverent occasion that brought in the true Spirit of Christmas. This year may be one of the last that I will be asked to even participate in such an experience, and so I will choose to make it a reverent and positive experience for the children's sake. I will think of our dear friends and the wonderful memories from Christmases past that we shared. I will strive to make the "Christmas present" a joyous and reverent occasion for the children and their families. Perhaps this will help bring the true Spirit of Christmas into their holiday celebration and provide a special memory for them that will last their lifetimes. Hearts will be touched, memories will be made and a tribute (at least in my heart) will be sent heavenward to a dear friend as well as to my Lord and Savior, the Babe in Bethlehem, whose birth we celebrate this, and every, Christmas season. 

     And may God bless us, every one!

The First Noel (David Archuleta)
http://youtu.be/ZgrcBCC0xgg

Wisdom via Hindsight

We May Never Pass This Way Again (Seals and Croft)

http://youtu.be/i3mp4dkm1fQ

     I have been thinking about writing this post for a while and finally decided that today is the day. I hope that at some time in the future, when my own daughters and daughter-in-law need it, they will come to this blog post and read and re-read it. Perhaps it will help them, and others, understand and do things differently than I did. They say that hindsight is 20/20, so I am going to share some things that I learned over the years. How I might have done some things differently had I known then what I know now as a post stay-at-home motherhood and current empty-nester.

     What sparked my decision to finally write about this was a phone call the other day from a sweet, young mother who was at the end of her rope. She has several children, all of which are age 6 and under, and she is currently pregnant with another. She was feeling overwhelmed with her life, and she felt like she needed a break from her children before she did something she might regret. I was her "phone a friend" lifeline that day.  My heart went out to her and her situation. I have felt like her at various times in my own life and so I could most certainly empathize with how she was feeling and what she was going through. We love our children and are very thankful to have them. We feel a tremendous sense of responsibility to care for them and fulfill their every need, but there are times when being with them 24/7 is simply more than we can handle. Having "been there, done that",  I am going to share with you some of what I learned about those years and what I would have done differently if I had it to do over again....

     First of all, I would have taken more time for myself to develop my own interests and pursue some of my dreams. There simply has to be more of a balance in life. When one is in the midst of raising children, especially small children, we feel so selfish and guilty when we take even a little "time out" for ourselves. I am not suggesting that one goes overboard to the point of neglect or of being obsessively self-serving, but what I am suggesting is that you set aside a few hours or an afternoon one day a week to do something for yourself. It is very easy to loose your identity when you becomes a wife and a mother and it is very important, even essential, that you have something you can call your own that identifies you as an individual person - as you. For me, it was my taking the time to teach piano lessons for a couple of hours a week. It was something that I loved to do, it kept me in touch with my own skills and talents, it was of service to others and it also helped to bring in some much needed extra income to contribute to the family budget (or have some play money fore me - guilt free). It was a small amount but I can't count the times that it was just enough to cover what was needed. It has been a great blessing in my life and it blessed the lives of others - both student and parent. I felt good about what I was able to contribute to the world through teaching and adding to the beauty of the world through music education.

     Another thing that I would do is seek out  the support of and friendship of others who are in similar situations. Women need other women - girlfriend! I tended to isolate myself and think that I could do "it" all by myself, and even worse, that I had to do it all by myself. I suffered in silence and that was a big mistake. I needed to be around and talk to adults, especially when I was home with toddlers and infants all day. There are only so many episodes of Barney and Sesame Street that one can handle in a day (or Dora or Teletubbies  or ________ fill in the blank here)! When I was a new mother and living in a state far away from family and friends it soon became clear to me that I had to do something about my isolation and loneliness or I was going to go crazy (or MIA). I had a dear friend from back home who suggested that I get involved with La Leche League, which is an organization that supports and helps women who are breastfeeding their children. It was, hands down, THE best decision I ever made for my mental health! I found a local chapter of the group and attended one of their meetings. I was hooked. I soon found a group of like-minded women who had children my own children's ages and who were going through what I was going through and feeling what I was feeling. It was a miracle! We started a playgroup as well as getting together for the monthly meetings. Our children became friends as did we. Admittedly there were some challenges due to some differences of religious opinions, but for the most part we were able to set those aside and find more things in common than were different. La Leche League became one of my "lifelines" when we moved from town to town for schooling and jobs during those early years of our children's lives. It became a constant in the midst of chaos. I will be forever thankful for those dear women who supported and helped me during the good times and the bad times of those years. They helped to keep me "off the ledge" many times.

     And finally, I would have kept up some of my professional skills, either by taking a class and/or dabbling in my field of choice. Not to the point of neglecting my children, but only to the point of being able to keep up my skill set. At this time in my life I am facing a situation that the skills and training I received in my profession are no longer of use in the same way as they were pre-babies. I was trained as a secretary and worked in that field prior to having my first child, but  I have not worked in that field for many years and I no longer have adequate skills to work in an office environment as a secretary. I would need to go through retraining in order to work in that field now, and I figure that if I have to be retrained anyway that I would rather get my education in something that I feel more passionate about than working in an office as a secretary. I am also finding that the field that I have been working in for the past 20+ years is losing ground (as a piano instructor) to more exciting, instantly gratifying extra -curricular activities such as soccer, softball, gymnastics, dance, etc. I hate to see the devaluation of learning to play the piano (or any musical instrument), and I think that it will become a rare talent and skill in the future. It is not an instant gratification talent, but one that takes time and practice and patience to perfect and I see too few willing to put the time and energy into perfecting this talent.  The world will be a much sadder place without music in it, and those who play it well. I find it very difficult to find a young student who is willing to put in the time and practice and patience that it takes to become a skilled musician. My career choices have and are becoming obsolete, and so  I am finding myself at this point in life having to retrain myself in a job market that desires younger, thinner and better skilled employees than what I have to offer. Attending college in middle age is much harder than if I had continued to pursue my degree along the way and continued to dabbled in the field of study as I went along in life. So my advice, get the degree or training skills while you are young, but if you can't do it while you are young, just do it - and keep a finger on the pulse of your area of expertise. The world is changing so fast with the new technologies that exist that a degree or skill might become obsolete in the future, but if you keep an eye on the changes and can tap into it to whatever extent you can, you won't regret it in the future. And, it will make your future "empty nest" years (yes, they do eventually come) much easier to navigate.

    So, the bottom line is:

     Don't give up on your dreams; find a way to follow them,
     Enjoy play dates with your girlfriends and their kids, and
     Never stop learning.

That's The Way It Is (Celine Dion)
http://youtu.be/sLSWJtxvaUY

Love Wins

Say Love (Hilary Weeks)
http://youtu.be/wYPxi5GeMqc

Today I had a wonderful experience, I attended a funeral. Now, usually you don't associate funerals with wonderful experiences, but this was an exception.

My friend, Helen, was who was 85 years old, passed away a few days ago. It was not unexpected as she had been deteriorating for quite some time and had been under hospice care for the past 8 months. But the one thing that was amazing to me was the outpouring of love I saw given to her today by almost a hundred young men who weren't even there!

As I have mentioned previously, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, commonly known as "The Mormons". I have lived in this area for just over 14 years. I met Helen just over 5 years ago when she joined our church after being taught by a couple of our missionaries. I was in attendance at her baptismal service and I also witnessed her participation at a temple ceremony that made it possible for her to be with her eternal companion forever. Those were wonderful moments, but today I saw something that made me stop and ponder the power of love.

As I walked into the funeral home I saw one of the missionaries who is serving here. I shook his hand and we talked for a few minutes and then I made my way over to the open casket where my friend, Helen's, body lay. She wasn't too much thinner than the last time I saw her and she looked at peace, finally, after being in pain for a very long time. The thing that struck me most though, was what I saw laying across a table next to her casket. On this table, on two different shelves, were ties. Yes, ties! Helen had a tradition of collecting a tie from each missionary that has served in our area over the past 5 years. She would ask them to write something on the back of them, or at least sign them. Some said how much they loved her and how much they loved being a missionary and serving the Lord here. Helen loved her missionaries!  She collected the ties and kept this collection visible in all of the various places that she has lived over the past 5 years. On the other side of her casket was a picture frame with many pictures of the various missionaries who have served in this area. It was fun to see their faces again and reminisce about the good memories and times we had when they were here. In a final act of love, Helen asked that all of the ties be placed in the casket with her so that she could be buried with the love and warm wishes that were written on each of the ties.

In the course of conversations during the luncheon that followed the service, I discovered that each set of missionaries who were here, when they were getting transferred, would pass along the request to be sure to visit "Grandma Helen". Each set that followed did so and adopted her as a substitute grandma. Many of these young men were far from home, some for the first time, so it was a great comfort to them to have a "grandma" who loved them, fed them and cared about them here. They all came to love her and she loved them. It was a simple act of kindness to leave a tie behind for a memory for dear "Grandma Helen" but she cherished each and every one.

Grandma Helen has passed on to be with her beloved now, but her memory will live on in the lives and hearts of each of us that loved her and cared for her. I am a little sad to know that the next missionaries that serve here won't have the blessing of getting to know her and to be one of "her boys". But I know, because I felt it, that she loved us and is mindful of each one of us. She will now be stronger and better able to serve and love us from the other side of the veil. Now she is strong and pain free. We will miss her, but know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ we will see each other again someday.

Rest in peace, sweet Helen, rest in peace.

That's What Love is For (Amy Grant)
http://youtu.be/QaeUgmoL7HE

Life Is Like a Piano....

Cristofori's Dream (David Lanz)
http://youtu.be/9wxrB41PMhw

     It's been quite a while since I last wrote. A lot has been going on in my personal life. Without going into detail, it's been a wonderful and challenging few weeks. I have been reminded of the life lesson (see photo insert) that "Life is like a piano: What you get out of it depends on how you play it.".  As a pianist, this one resonates with me.

     It seems to be the time of year that can be very unsettling for many people. Back-to-school preparations, moves to colleges or new job locations can disrupt and unsettle us. Fall seems to be the time that if someone is going to move or relocate, they are in the "short rows" to get moved and settled in before the snowflakes fly. We have moved multiple times in our married life and most of the time the moves happened in the Fall or Spring. 

     Our first move to Georgia from Utah took place in October 1987, 26 years ago. My husband had just finished his Bachelor's Degree and we got his first "real" job there. Our son was barely 4 months old. We arrived in the small town of Warm Springs, Georgia the day before Halloween. If you have ever been to Warm Springs, Georgia, then you know that this small town closes down fairly early in the evening. We drove into town and had no idea where we were going, nor how to contact the landlady for the home in which we were going to rent. There happened to be a Fall Festival that night at the school that her grandchildren attended, so she wasn't available at the number that we dialed on the town's one pay phone. (Yes, folks, it was back in the day before there were laptops, cell phones, email, Skype, Facebook - and, the pay phone only cost 25 cents to make a call). The town was so small that the sheriff immediately knew that we were strangers. He saw us at the phone booth (yes, that's what they had such a thing back then) and asked how he could help us. We told him of our dilemma and he knew exactly who we were talking about and how to get in touch with her. To make a long story short, she came over to the house (a double wide trailer on cinder block stilts - that that's a story for a different time) and opened the place up for us. We laid out our sleeping bags on the mattresses and crashed. It had been a long and eventful trip (also a story for another time). Talk about your culture shock!!!

     Seven moves later we settled into the home in which we now reside, and have resided for the past 14 years. Most of our moves have been job related, but a few of them were because I wasn't too happy where we were living. Most of the places where we lived up until moves 6 and 7 were rental places and so we were forced to move for various reasons, i.e. new job, new tenants that were related to the landlady that wanted to live where we were living, return to graduate school, rent increases, job changes. Once our children got in school we were much more careful about where we were located and how often we relocated. It can be very disrupting to a child in school to relocate and we wanted to minimize that as much as possible. 

     At the time of move number 5, my husband told me that I had better be happy at the next move because he wasn't too excited about doing it too many more times! Frankly, I wasn't either! This got me to thinking about what it was that made me happy and how it was more than just the house or place that we lived that contributed to my happiness.  You may have heard the phrase "Bloom where you are planted". I believe this is a pretty valid and wise philosophy. I have found that if I made the choice to be involved and contribute to the community in which I was living, I was a much happier person than if I just decided to sit back and wait for the community to come to me. The community didn't know me nor what I had to offer, so it was really my responsibility to decide how I wanted to live, how much I wanted to be involved and what I wanted to contribute to that community. At times it was refreshing to be able to relocate and "start fresh" where no one knew me nor anything about my past experiences. Sometimes that is what it takes to be able to "start over" and make life better. I hope that I have learned some things along the way..

     It isn't easy to "start over" when you move, but it can be an opportunity to decide what you need to change in your life. For example, if I have been a slacker in one location, I can change that attitude and step up to the plate and fulfill my responsibilities better in the next location. Another thing that is wonderful about the moves was the ability to take what I had learned in one location and share it with others in the new location. This would help to build up my skills and the share experiences  and what I have learned with others in the new location. It helped to build a better sense of community for me. These were priceless opportunities for growth for both the giver (me) and the receiver (them). Not to mention, the joy of being able to clear out and throw away some of the clutter and "stuff of life" that I had been collecting over the period of time before the move. Believe me, when you move as many times as we did, you learn what you can live without just so you don't have to move it again! What becomes important to you becomes very clear. 

    Some of the things that I came to appreciate through my moves were my family, my friends and my faith. These were the things that were constant and enduring throughout all of my moves. As a family, we learned to work together to support and help each other adjust to our new surroundings. I made some wonderful and enduring friendships in the different locations where we have lived and I value and treasure these true friendships. My faith is what has helped me to remain connected to what standards and values I need to maintain and on which to focus during the times of disruption and turmoil. Church has been my anchor in the turbulent waters of the moves, especially when I wasn't even sure where we were going to have a place to move into when we got there. God has put special people in my path at just the right time when I needed them to be there, and I will be eternally grateful for that. 

    I guess the bottom line is this, "it's not about where you live, but about how you live". Home truly is where the heart is, and if your heart is in the right place then "home" can be anywhere.

Home (Blake Shelton)

http://youtu.be/kkoT1nZOexY

     

What a Difference a Day Makes!

"So tell that someone you love

just what you're thinking of

if tomorrow never comes"

If Tomorrow Never Comes (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/b2AAsqcJPkI

I have had a couple of experiences of the past few weeks that have, once again, reinforced the importance of expressing how we feel about someone special in our lives to them, while we still have the opportunity to do so. Everything can change overnight. One night I went to bed and all was well, the next morning I checked my Facebook and discovered that life had changed overnight.

Just over a week ago I had the opportunity to spend a few precious hours with my brother-in-law, Keith, as he was staying in a hotel not too far from where I live. We live about 1600 miles apart, and so we don't get to see other very often. He happened to be on a tour that stopped overnight in a town that was about two hours south of where I live. On a whim, he texted me and suggested that we get together for a visit, since he was staying so close by. I decided it would be a great idea so I ventured the four hours round trip to have a visit. We shared a joke or two, discussed our family members and what was going on in our respective lives, and generally had a really nice visit. He called his wife, my sister, on his phone and we surprised her with a conversation from me, her sister. We enjoyed the visit (which, of course, was too short) and then I headed out for the two hour trip north to home. I arrived about 1:30 a.m. Tired, but safe and satisfied that I had gotten to spend some time with my great brother-in-law. Who would have thought.....

A week later I woke up in the morning and glanced at my Facebook feed to find that my niece, his daughter, had posted a comment that this same brother-in-law had been in a serious motorcycle/car accident and that he was in critical condition at their local hospital. I was shocked. He was unconscious and sedated so that the medical team could stabilize his vital signs. I could hardly believe what I was reading. I immediately said a quick prayer and began to try to get to the bottom of the situation. Another niece, also his daughter, finally phoned me and told me that their phone batteries had died during the time spent in the hospital and that my sister would call me as soon as she could. I was grateful for the preparatory phone call so that I could, again, say another quick prayer and ask for help to know what to say or do to help from such a long distance away. I felt so helpless. After talking with both my niece and my sister I felt somewhat better, but I was still very much concerned for what they were all having to deal with, as well as for the life of my dear brother-in-law.

Their life has been turned upside down since then. My sister says that it has only been a few days, but it feels like it has been months. She misses him. We all do. He is one of those individuals that lights up a room just by being in it - and not just because of his stature ;-). He is kind, caring and thoughtful, generous, supportive, intelligent, and has a great sense of humor. He is also spiritual and has touched many lives with his insights and understanding heart (as is evident from the many Facebook comments and postings in which his friends and family have expressed their love and appreciation for him). He is a rock that many of us lean on for strength and support. He has had a great impact on my own life, both as a brother-in-law and as a friend. We share family history, and family ties that will never be broken. He is the kind of brother-in-law that everyone wishes they had. Just before we parted the last time I saw him, he said how glad he was to be a part of our family. I feel the same way - how glad and grateful I am that he is a part of our family. (Well done, sister dear).

Another thing that I appreciate about Keith is the fact that we are both Barry Manilow "fanilows". We also talked about that when we visited, since Mr Manilow was to do a concert in his home town the following weekend. We shared some thoughts on Barry and he suggested I put my greatest hits CD in my player for the drive home - which I did and it kept me awake as I sang along with Barry. When I was younger I was often teased because of my "appreciation" for Barry Manilow, so it is really fun to have that connection with my brother-in-law. It says a lot about him in my opinion, because those of us that are "Fanilows" stick together. Truly, "It's a Miracle" that he is still alive. A gift from God that he got for his birthday this year, even though he spent it unconscious in the hospital.  I know he has a long and difficult recovery road ahead of him, but I also know that if anyone can "(Make) it Through the Rain", he can. So Keith, I love you my brother from another mother.  Here's to a speedy recovery!

This One's For You (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/QPfjxb35ZDc

Reviewing the Past for a Brighter Future



Another Life (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/V5l1JS0oWzc

     Not long ago I awoke in the morning to the words of a Don Henley song going through my head. "Don't look back, you can never look back" (Boys of Summer). Then, a few weeks later I had the opportunity to visit some old friends that I hadn't seen in a very long time. Some of my memories of previous experience among this group weren't pleasant, and I admit that I was anxious about encountering some of them again after such a long time apart. I worried about what they remembered about me and how I handled some trying situations in my past. I was pleasantly surprised to be welcomed with loving embraces and warm memories! What could have been a very uncomfortable and unfortunate event, turned out to bring a welcome closure to some events in my past. Many of the individuals with whom I had quarrels were no longer present and it was, overall, a very healing experience for me.

  I am grateful that the individuals that I encountered from my past were so willing to remember only the good and not bring up or remember the past. Many whom I saw likely didn't know about the experiences I had had, nor did it really matter to them. What mattered to them we renewing our acquaintance and friendship and showing forth love and care for one another. That acceptance, that love, was exactly what was needed for me at that time to heal from the painful experiences of the past. And, it says a lot about their character and mine.

     I find it interesting that sometimes when I reflect back on past experiences it is harder to remember the good times, but very easy to remember the bad. (I guess that says as much about me and my perceptions as it does about my attitudes). We tend to attract what we focus on, and in order to change the future we may need to review the past. I have found that the journal which I have kept for many years helps me with this exercise. Re-reading some of the entries helps me to get a better perspective on where I was at mentally, emotionally and physically at the various "moments" of my life that were sometimes trying to experience. Often, when I re-read past journal entries I see things differently.

    I cannot change what has happened in the past, nor would I want to (although I'm certain I didn't feel that way when I was going through the trials). But now, from this side of them, I am better able to be grateful for what I have learned and who I have become as a result of experiencing and overcoming those challenges. It is through these experiences that I have come to "know God" and better understand that He is there for me, to help carry me as I go through them and bring me safely through to the other side of them. I have become more willing to trust in Him and His plan for me, and I have a better understanding of my relationship with Him. As I come to feel his love for me I am better able to love others as He would have me do. I am better able to "cut some slack" to others who might be experiencing their own tailor-made trials and tests of life. I am better able to feel compassion for myself as I look back at what I was going through during those trying times in my life when I may not have behaved as well as I could/should have.

     We are all entitled to a new beginning. Everyone has had challenging experiences in their lives where we may have behaved badly. It's what we learn from them that matters and, hopefully, moves us forward. I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to leave the past in the past and look forward to the future. I do not need to let what happened in the past define who I am now, nor who I will become. This is one of the blessings of repentance, forgiveness, and the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As a result of having gone through this experience I am better able to turn the hurt and sorrow over to God, and let it go in order to move into a happier, healthier, and more peaceful and joy-filled future.
    
O Remember, Remember (Henry B. Eyring)
http://youtu.be/DF01BQAcj8E

Self-worth or Self-esteem?

"When we strive to see each other as our Father sees us,

we will look not on the outward appearance and

imperfections of a brother or sister or ourselves,

not on the person that we are,

but on the angel we may become."

 

-Ardeth Greene Kapp

 

You Are Loved (Josh Groban)

http://youtu.be/EBSwA8pMgrA

 

     This week I would like to share a more personal note. This is an edited letter I recently wrote to my daughters regarding self-worth. It is something that I think we all can learn from and need to be reminded of from time to time. Thank you for indulging me :-).

 

My dear daughters,

 

     I have had a lot of time to read and think over these past few weeks and I feel a need to share this with you. This has been weighing heavily on my mind, especially in light of what some of you have respectively been going through in their life experiences.   A lot of my sharing comes from a book by Ardeth Greene Kapp called Doing What We Came Here To Do: Living a Life of Love. As you may know, Sister Kapp is a former General Young Women's President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and has been a valuable and cherished mentor to me throughout my adult life. The chapter that I will take these quotes from is entitled "A Feeling of Worth". I think that as women we aren't always valued as much as Our Heavenly Father, or we, would like for us to be. I have come to learn that it is the nature of mortality; for some reason (perhaps the "original sin" doctrine of Eve) women seem to hold a perceived less valuable place in society. However this being said, this is not how our Heavenly Parents, especially our Heavenly Father views things. One of my greatest desires is for you to come to understand your worth as divine daughters of Our Heavenly Father. This is also something with which I have struggled in my life, and my wish and hope is that you will not have to experience the same struggles I have had with this. This is the reason I am deciding to share this with you now.

 

    In her book, Sister Kapp shares these truths:

 

     "Feeling loved, with an assurance of our infinite worth, has a tremendous effect on our ability to accept and love others. To feel loved is to feel valued, accepted, and appreciated for who we "really" are and for who we are capable of becoming...."

 

     "This feeling of self-worth comes from an inner sense of our true eternal identity as a son or daughter of God. Self-worth cannot be earned. It is a part of our divine nature as children of God. Looking inside ourselves with an eternal perspective of our divine heritage and infinite worth allows us to be more receptive to expressions of love and to express love."

 

     " The source of all righteous love is centered in God. A feeling of self-worth comes from an understanding of who we were, who we are, and who we will always be. We did not come to this earth to gain our worth; we brought it with us."

 

     "....Self-worth cannot be increased or decreased. The worth of every soul that has ever lived is absolute and infinite. It is the same for everyone. No matter what our circumstances or appearance or social status, we have worth as God's creations!"

 

     "There is a difference between self-esteem and self-worth. Self-esteem is defined as "a confidence and satisfaction in oneself" (Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, s.v. "self-esteem"). In other words, it's your perspective of yourself." (MUCH different than self-worth?)

 

     "....Circumstances of life appear to have a tremendous influence on self-esteem, to the extent that people who have been verbally, emotionally, or physically abused may even respond as they have been treated. In the movie My Fair Lady, Eliza Doolittle tells Henry Higgins, "The difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated." That's a challenge we all face - to not allow our perception of ourselves to be negatively impacted by the way we might sometimes be treated.

 

    "On the other hand, self-worth cannot be earned or affected by anything that may happen in this life. Worth is constant and unchanging. It is a fact that worthiness does not determine worth. You cannot sin enough to change your worth to the Lord who loves you." (A profound truth!!!)

 

     "When we experience a feeling of God's view of our worth, we are better able to feel His unconditional love for us, to remember who we really are, and to believe we are who God says we are - a son or daughter of God with a divine inheritance." (So, when we are feeling unloved or unlovable we need to ask ourselves "What happened?" "Why do I feel this way?" Heavenly Father's opinion of us did not change, so on whose opinion are we basing our evaluation of ourselves?)

 

     "....It is not until you and I comprehend the magnitude of our eternal destiny - who we are and Whose we are - and find peace, regardless of life's circumstances, that we reach our potential. Recognizing our self-worth controls ultimately our ability to love God, to love others, to love life, and to love ourselves." (In other words, it doesn't matter where you live, but how you live.)

 

     "The need to feel loved is basic to our ability to love one another and to believe in every person's divine nature and individual worth. This inner assurance releases a powerful force for good. When we strive to see each other as our Father sees us, we will look not on the outward appearance and imperfections of a brother or sister or ourselves, not on the person that we are, but on the angel we may become." (Herein is the key - because life can throw us some unexpected and sometimes undeserving curve balls. Some circumstances may be or are beyond our own control, whether it be a crappy boss, loss, poor health, difficult roommates or relationships, they are unfortunately a part of our mortal journey. But, if we can see ourselves and others as God sees us through these circumstances, we can come through them with grace, greater strength, greater appreciation for what God has blessed us with, and the ability to continue to work toward our goal of exaltation in His kingdom - become the angels he intends for us to be. Therefore, we are twice blessed as we lovingly accept ourselves and bless others through our loving acceptance and understanding).

 

    Feel it, believe it, live it and it will be a great blessing to your life and help you to manage and cope as you face the challenges of life and trials of adversity that are a part of this mortal experience.

 

With much love.

Walk Tall, You're A Daughter of God

http://youtu.be/mHANOO2vq3E



He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother



 "And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order;

 for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.

And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent,

that thereby he might win the prize;

therefore, all things must be done in order.

Mosiah 4:27



He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother (sung by Neil Diamond)

http://youtu.be/usZtSl8mX08

    I am currently at home recuperating from my recent aforementioned knee/leg surgery. The procedure was done about 11 days ago at our community hospital. I had to have some repair work done to the meniscus in my right knee, and I also had to have a walnut-sized cyst removed from the top of my tibia bone and filled in with some cadaver bone. The procedure went well, except for the fact that I react adversely to Demerol. Demerol is usually injected into individuals who are coming out of anesthesia to prevent the shakes, which can and does happen due to the shock to your body that has just undergone major surgery. Yes, I did wake up to a bad case of the shakes in the recovery room. The nurses surrounded me with heated blankets from head to toe and with that with a combination of other drugs, I was able to recover quite well.

   My husband has been by my side faithfully during my surgery and over this recovery period. He has been so kind to take care of me and literally wait on me hand and foot, as there is little one can do with two crutches in one's hand and a lame leg. I am so thankful for him and his loving kindness to me over these past few days. He has not complained or lost patience with me once, which I find to be truly amazing! He has served me with love and devotion, and words seem inadequate to express my deep level of love and appreciation for him and all that he has done to take care of me and see that my needs are met.

    Throughout all of this I have been thinking quite a bit about my mother and her lifetime of health challenges.  My mother suffered from a Rheumatic heart condition and endured 5 open-heart surgeries over her lifetime. Her first heart surgery was to install a pacemaker in her heart. I was three years old at the time and really don't remember any of the details of the event except that fact that I was left to spend what felt like endless days at my friend and neighbor's house across the street. My two siblings had been flown off to stay with an aunt and uncle, but my parents felt that I was too young to be sent that far away. It was originally intended that I would spend the time staying at a local day care center run by a woman in our church, but that was very short lived as I would not be comforted and cried most of my time I was there. The next alternative was to send me across the street to stay with my friend and neighbor. I would play at their house on a frequent basis, and I felt much more comfortable staying there with them. I can still remember standing in their living room looking out the large picture windows that connected the corner of their house, anxiously waiting for my father's car to turn the corner and drive into our driveway across the street.

     Four more open-heart operations were performed on my mother, some were valve replacement procedures and others were for repair work on what was already in place in her heart. I cannot imagine the depth of fear and anguish she must have felt before each one of her surgeries. I can only remember her getting emotional before one of her surgeries, her last one. She had endured so very much and wasn't sure she would be able to endure another one. Thankfully, after that one she never had to. I was blessed and privileged to be living or visiting home when each of these surgeries was performed. I can remember one of her surgeries was done while I was taking a test in one of my business classes when I attended Weber State College. The professor was quite amazed when she found out what was going on with my mother and I was present in class that day.

    Another of her surgeries took place just after the Christmas holidays. We were able to be home for that Christmas holiday and when I found out that she needed the surgery I was able to extend my stay in order to be able to care for my father and for her when she returned home. I was very thankful to be able to be there and grateful that I could at least do something to help out during that difficult time for my parents. During   the last surgery my mother suffered a slight stroke and lost some of her long term memory. It was because of this that I was able to write down some of my childhood memories for her prior to her death. That was a wonderful experience for me to be able to reminisce and to share those memories with her, and to finally thank her for always being so supportive of me and for being such a good example to me.

   My mother was a very brave woman. She suffered much over her lifetime and rarely complained. I can only imagine the fear and frustrations she must have felt due to the limitations this condition had on her life. My mother never felt sorry for herself, and she never let those limitations keep her from living a full and productive life. I have learned so much from her example of courage, patience, endurance and embracing what really matters most in life. I have learned how to live by watching her live. By remembering how she endured her suffering, I am better able to endure mine without complaint and discouragement. She had such a deep and abiding faith and trust in God's plan for her and for her life. So much so that I think she knew ahead of her passing that her time was short. As a result she prepared by pre-planning her own funeral arrangements. Needless to say, this was a great blessing to us during a difficult time.

      I have not suffered nearly as much as my mother did over her lifetime, but this past few days has put me to the test. It has not been easy and I am not a very patient person. I have been so blessed to have so much help, and by so many that have taken time out of their busy lives to prepare a meal for us, send or bring me flowers, chocolates, videos and books. I have had many caring phone calls, cards and visits that have helped me endure this difficult and trying time in my life. I am deeply appreciative of these blessings that have come from others - brothers and sisters - who have been willing to "carry me" through this challenging time. Thank you. Thank you for making me feel loved. Thank you for being willing to help carry my burden. Thank you for helping me through. You are loved.

Because You Loved Me (Celine Dion)

http://youtu.be/ih1945e4q7I

Cookie Cutter Fashion



"Spiritual experiences aren't meant to be homogenous, only harmonious - not in unison, but in unity.

If all souls developed in cookie-cutter fashion, we would have spirituality by duplication rather than by waiting and transformation."

 - Sue Monk Kidd (from her book, When the Heart Waits)

     I really like this quote by Sue Monk Kidd.  Too often we fall into the thinking that we have to be just like everyone else in order to have value or worth. My dad always told me, "It takes all kinds to make a world" and he was absolutely right. I think that if God had wanted us all to be the same, He would have made us that way.

   Each of us has our own spiritual path to walk (and I'm talking spirituality here, not religion), and they are as individual as the people that are experiencing them. They are transforming in their own way.  I find that even within a religious community the emphasis sometimes is placed too much on the programs, with less regard for the individuals whom the programs were designed to serve.

     One of the first things I learned as a teacher in my religious community was that if I wanted to have an impact and be effective, I had to love those whom I served or taught. How can we love those we have been called to care for if we don't even know them as individual personalities? Too often snap judgments are made if the individual doesn't fit the "cookie cutter" mold of whatever perception or expectation that we have in our minds of what/whom the individual "should" be. When that individual doesn't "fit the mold" they are discarded or discounted as having less value or worth. God loves ALL of his children, not just those that "fit the mold". We are all products of our upbringing, our fears, our individual life experiences, our perceptions and our expectations - whether they are correct or not. We never know where people are or have been in their lives, only God knows that. We are not all "round pegs" fitting into "round holes". Some of us are square pegs, oval pegs, rectangular pegs that feel like we are being pushed to fit into "round holes", and that simply does not work well for any of us. 

    Each of us is unique, and we look at the world in our own unique way.  God made us that way, with individual gifts, abilites, interests and talents, so that we would learn to use these abilities to work together to make a better "whole". After all, the "whole" is really only as good as the sum of it's parts. As life gets more complex we come to understand that we need each other and each other's talents and abilities more and more. However, if we never take the time to get to know what those are, then how can we use them for the greater good? We all make poor choices, or mistakes. We all have room for improvement and we all must walk - individually - the path that God has placed before us. No one walks the same path, feels the same feelings at the same time/way/place. I think we would all benefit if we try to remember this and tread a little lighter, show a little more compassion and kindness, and lift a hand to help each other a little more as we proceed on this journey we call life.

Heal the World (Michael Jackson)

http://youtu.be/G8YeL8NR8WY

This Is The Moment!



This is the Moment - Jekyll and Hyde
http://youtu.be/Ym0UaDiguQY

      Wow! What a few months these have been! Talk about a roller coaster ride!

     I have been trying patiently (well, really my patience has been tried) to figure out my next step in my life. I have been trying to wait patiently for some indication, some inspiration from above what the next move should be for me. Finally, after months of tears, fears and prayers, the moment of understanding has finally arrived and it has been awesome to see all of the pieces fall into place.

     I have been wondering a lot about my life over the past six months. Wondering why I was born into the family situation into which I was placed. Wondering why I have had some of the life experiences that I have had, especially in dealing with illness, loss and grief. I have wondered about certain aspects of my personality, essentially why I am the way I am. I believe that God made me this way and put me in my life at this time, in this way, for a reason - but what is it? I have recently discovered some of what that is and it feels so amazing to finally know and begin to understand.

    Elder Orson F. Whitney (1855-1931) who was a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said this: "To whom do we look, in days of grief and disaster, for help and consolation? ...They are men and women who have suffered, and out of their experience in suffering they bring forth the riches of their sympathy and condolences as a blessing to those now in need. Could they do this had they not suffered themselves?" (As quoted by President James E. Faust in the Ensign, Feb. 2006, 3)

     This is it! This is an answer as to so many of the "why's" in my life.Without going into too much detail, I have been asked to be a group leader with a Family Support Group through my church. This program and what it does to help others is helping me to put into place some of the pieces that have been missing in my life. It is answering the "why" questions in truly inspirational ways! I would never, in a million years, have thought that I would be involved with a program like this; and without the strong suggestion from a couple of inspired friends,  I probably wouldn't be. I feel so grateful for the opportunity to share some of my life experiences, and hopefully help others who are going through similar situations in their lives. It is helping to make some sense of it all. As we share we all learn, and it's miraculous what happens. "No man is an island, no man stands alone". We need each other and we need to admit and understand that we need each other. My father used to say, "it takes all kinds to make a world" and he was exactly right.

This Is It! - Kenny Loggins with Michaela McDonald
http://youtu.be/U8SSdyflGN4

(Note: The story behind this song, listed below the video in the link, seems especially significant and fitting - enjoy!)

The Hungry Years



The Hungry Years (Neil Sedaka)

http://youtu.be/y8WZ9cMeVhM

     I recently had the opportunity to take some time to read through some old journal entries to fulfill an assignment for church. I started reading entries back when my husband and I first moved to Georgia from our home in Utah with our infant son. It was almost 25 years ago. I was a young and busy mother, and he was even busier as a newly employed 4-H agent fresh out of college. He was eager to succeed and I was anxious about being a fairly new mother of a four month old. We had just moved across the country from our family, friends and anything familiar. Considering I had never been any further east than Evanston, Wyoming, we had taken on quite an adventure. It was quite a culture shock for us, but we were young and adventurous and thought that we were ready to "seek our fortune" and  make our way in the world.

     I read entries that covered the entire 7 1/2 years that we lived there. They brought back many, many memories and feelings. Some of them were happy, and some of them were gut-wrenching.  I laughed, I cried and I felt the feelings of those moments over again. Those were some very difficult days. Some days we weren't sure how we were going to make it. Money was tight and there was a lot of stress with the move, starting a new job and living in a strange place with few friends and no family nearby. There were days that I thought I would lose my mind. I remember the loneliness and the long distance phone calls. This was in the days when we had to pay some pretty hefty long-distance fees if I wanted to call home. There was no such thing as an Internet, Facebook or email back then. In order to communicate with my family and friends I would have to chose an inexpensive time to call with a two hour time difference to worry about, or write a letter (yes, that's what we did back then). I remember anxiously checking the mail, hoping to receive a letter or package from home. My mother would usually write on a Sunday and mail it on Monday, so I could expect the letter by Wednesday or Thursday at the latest. I would send pictures of us, especially of my children as they grew up, in hopes that my parents would still feel like they were part of our life. I looked forward to Sunday evenings when I could call home for the cheaper rate and talk longer with my parents. I can't count the times I would hang up the phone and then bawl like a baby. Our family vacations were trips "home" to see our family, so that our children would at least have some idea of where they came from and that they were part of a larger family. Like I said, those were some difficult days.

     But, as difficult as those days were they were also days of enormous personal growth. The challenges that we faced and worked through together bonded and strengthened our relationships and our love for each other. It was a time of great introspection and testing to see what we were made of and what we really valued. We had to learn to prioritize and chose what was the most important and what wasn't. We worked together to communicate with each other and solve problems that we faced. We sacrificed and watched out for each other's welfare because we were really, literally, all we had. Our church family became enormously important to us because they became our "family" away from family. We forged friendships that have lasted a lifetime. We helped each other deal with life's ups and downs - the births, the deaths, the tragedies, the joys.  The burdens and the blessings we shared were what brought us closer together. I think this is an element that is missing in the current society in which we live. Everyone is so isolated and busy, so "plugged in" to their electronic devices, technologies or the latest activity, so much so that we neglect to connect with each other - even when we are in the same room! It is one of those times that I question whether these modern technological communication devices are a blessing or a curse!

     My parents never did "go online", despite how much we tried to get them to "modernize". Yet, I wonder if maybe they didn't have the right idea after all. I have decided that not all modern technology is a blessing. I guess it isn't the device itself, but how we use it that is really the crux of the issue. I know that my life would be much harder without the Internet, email, cell phones, Facebook and Skype to be able to stay connected to my children who are living so far away. But, interestingly enough, we seem to connect and communicate less, not more, with these modern devices. Maybe we just take each other for grandid and don't take the time to share our life and time or express our loving care like we used to in "the old days". It seems to take a crisis or a tragedy for us to realize that we need each other, and then we make the effort to connect.  Some days I wonder if all of these changes that have come about over the past 25 years are really bringing us closer, or if they are distracting us so much that they keep us from connecting to one another on a much more intimate and deeper level. Now it seems to be almost too easy to communicate, so much so that we don't appreciate and make the effort to stay in touch.

     What I guess I'm trying to say is: "I miss the hungry years, the once upon a times, the lovely long ago, we didn't have a dime... those days of me and you, we lost along the way.....everything we wanted was everything we had.... Honey, take me home, let's go back to yesterday.... Looking through my tears, I miss the hungry years." However, not enough to go back to long distance phone calls and snail mail ;-).

Friends, I Will Remember You

 

“At the end of life, you will never regret not having passed one more test,

not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal.

You will regret time not spent with a husband, a child, a friend, or a parent.”

– Barbara Bush-

Friends With You (John Denver)

http://youtu.be/P9v5rhVcj6c

     We live in a very mobile society, and summertime seems the be the season for relocation! It seems like just about every summer for most of my life at least one of my friends moves away. I am thankful for modern technology (i.e. Facebook) that makes it easier to stay connected to each other, but somehow it just isn't the same as a face-to-face encounter. Friends have moved away for a multitude of reasons, jobs - lost or gained, schooling, moving closer to family, and simply the desire for a change of scenery.

     I find myself longing for the days of my childhood when society, at least in my world, seemed to be much less mobile. I grew up living in the same house and the same neighborhood until I was 22 years old, so I had a fairly stable and predictable childhood. Once I was married and had a child, however, I too became mobile. I was counting the number of times I have moved since I married and so far, the total is 8 times in the first 14 years of our married life. We have lived in our current location for over 13 years. As a result, I now have friends living in various parts of the United States from Georgia (hi Lee Ann and Chris) to Utah (hi Kim and Jody) with several more locations in between.

     No matter where I have lived, I have been blessed to find at least one good friend. The hardest thing is when one of us, or sometimes both of us, move away from each other. Our lives have crossed at a moment in time and become part of each other's tapestry of life, if even for a brief moment. As I have been thinking back over my life there seems to be certain events that I will always associate with certain people with whom I have shared those special, sacred moments - and I am very grateful that our life's paths have crossed. They have left "footprints on my heart" and in my life.

     This summer is no exception, another good friend will be moving to California this July. I will miss her and her family, but am also happy that she has the opportunity to live closer to her family after being away from them for the past 20 years. I admit, I am a bit jealous as I have not had that luxury in my own life for very long, just a brief 22 months after I was first married. It is challenging and lonely to live so far away from my family. As a result, my friends become my family, and when they move away a part of my heart goes with them.

     Some friends don't have to move across the country for me to miss them. Some friends have changes come into their lives that make us drift apart. I experienced this when I returned to school three years ago. I was extremely busy during those three years and as hard as I tried not to, I lost the connections that I had with some of my friends. Now those friends have, for various reasons, moved on with their lives - one by choice, and the other by circumstances beyond her control. I miss them, and now that my life has slowed down a bit, I am lonely without them. One of the reasons that I returned to school was for what I thought would be an opportunity to make some new friends. I was sadly disappointed, as I didn't find too many 20-somethings that wanted to be friends with an almost 50 year old. I was closer in age to my professors, than to the students! It turned out that what I thought would be a solution to a problem, just created more problems for me. As I think back on my time in school, I don't regret taking the classes and learning (though it was an expensive trail to follow), I do regret that I didn't find more friends with whom I could spend time. But, as I have stated in previous postings, I went back to what was familiar to me - not realizing how much circumstances and I had changed over the years.

     So, the search goes on to find "where I belong" and find the people who share my same interests and passions. Honestly, sometimes it is a very lonely journey and I wonder if I will ever feel "at home" again. Having spent a great deal of my life in the same place, I know how it feels to feel content and comfortable in a place. Regretably, even after the 13 years I have lived here, I do not always feel that way. I wonder if I ever will again. Maybe I just need to do a little more exploring and "get out of my confort zone" a bit. Try to find some new interests and hobbies, voluteer or take another class and explore something different and see where that path might lead. I am not much of a risk taker and it puts me way out of my confort zone, but I am feeling that "grow or die" feeling creeping back on me once again. If I can just keep it all in balance. I have been "sitting patiently with the waiting" for a while now. I guess it's time to pull myself back up and put myself back out there. Perhaps "I'm ready to take a change again....after all" We'll see.

Ready To Take A Chance Again (Barry Manilow - of course!)

http://youtu.be/qedV2nL4Ou4