Everyday Miracles

"Real Life" Miracles

Ordinary Miracle by Sarah McLachlan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMSLWvK7cUc 

"We think of a miracle, such as a sudden physical healing, as an event. Actually, the real miracle is not the event, but how we perceive the event in our lives. Ask yourself which is the real miracle: when the check finally arrives, the deadline extended, the lawsuit is settled, the exception is made? Or when you cope, serene and smiling in the face of unbearable circumstances, triumphantly blowing everybody's mind - including your own - with poise and courage?

In becoming aware of this we experience the miracle of Real Life. 'In asking for miracles, we are seeking a practical goal,' Marianne Williamson reminds us, 'a return to inner peace. We're not asking for something outside us to change, but for something inside us to change.' 

(Sara Ban Breathnach, Simple Abundance, November 13- 14)

Strength - Wisdom - Grace

"Strength to meet your challenges. Wisdom to embrace real life, and the Grace to be grateful not only for what you have, but what you've escaped."

"It is well with my soul"

"Goin' Home" Alex Boye and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
https://youtu.be/AAw78FOkhZs

It has been quite some time since I last wrote on this blog. Mainly because there has not been too much that I wanted to blog about, until today....

The past couple of weeks have been challenging. My daughter has been going through some struggles, and I lost a dear friend, neighbor and mentor to cancer and congestive heart failure. It is my friend, Rachel that I want to blog about today.

Rachel was a special soul. She loved everyone unconditionally. She never said an unkind word and always made you feel like you were "her favorite" when you would visit with her. She never had a lot in the way of worldly possessions, but she was rich in so many other ways. She would always welcome your visit and never made you feel like it was inconvenient for her.

Rachel lost her dear husband about 2 1/2 years ago, they were inseparable. She has missed him greatly over the past few years. On top of losing her husband (the love of her life) she also lost a daughter and a brother in the past two years. It had been a long and difficult few years for her.

Over the past year or so, I would make it a point to check on her or go and visit her on Thursday afternoons (my day off of work). We would talk for an hour or more, and we both came away supported, uplifted and able to carry on with the tasks of living. However, in mid-October, Rachel's health began to deteriorate rather quickly and we knew it was just a matter of time until the inevitable. Rachel had chosen not to seek treatment for her conditions and so we knew it was only a matter of a few weeks until she would pass through the veil to join her loved ones there.  She made it through Christmas and her granddaughter's birthday, and then it felt alright to go "home".

I saw Rachel the evening before she passed away. It was a Monday night. My husband, daughter and I went to visit her at the hospice where she was being cared for. Her oldest son was there with her. She was unconscious and her breathing was labored. Because of the experience I had when my own mother passed away, I knew it was just a matter of hours before she would leave us. She passed away quietly at 1:00 a.m. on Tuesday morning.

When I awoke on Tuesday morning I did not know that she had passed, but when I checked my Facebook feed I had a feeling that she had crossed over. A video clip was posted by Alex Boye of him singing the spiritual "Going Home" along with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir,and I had a feeling. The words to a scripture came into my mind...the same one that brought me great peace and comfort following the death of my mother 15 years ago.

 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14: 27) ... and I knew.

I soon had word that she had passed away. Before Rachel got so very ill, but when she knew she was going to die, a few of us sat down with her and pre-planned her funeral. She requested that I and two other friends dress her body in preparation for burial. She also requested that I play the organ at her service, and she requested a special musical number "It Is Well With My Soul" be performed at the service. She wanted my husband to give a talk, along with two other individuals, dear friends. All of her wishes were honored.

Fast forward 10 days... to today. The funeral has passed and we are all beginning to adjust to our life without Rachel in it. It is Thursday, the day that I would have usually made my connection with Rachel. I was feeling a little down, but that is not unusual under the circumstances. In preparation for a church activity tonight I needed to go to the store, Meijer, to pick up a snack to share. While walking through the store I came across a plaque with the words "It is well with my soul" printed on it, and I knew...it was a message from Rachel to me. It was the last one of its kind, on sale, at Meijer (where I used to always see Rachel and Ted), on Thursday. It felt like a Rachel was telling me that all was well. It was very unexpected, but also very welcome.

After my shopping trip I decided to drive over to where Rachel and Ted are buried to check on the graves. On my way home from the cemetery I heard the song "I Will Remember You" by Sarah Mclaughlan on the radio....the song that connects me to my mother. Coincidences you might ask? Perhaps, but I don't think so. I don't believe in coincidences, but I do believe in divine intervention and divine communications, and that is what I believe happened today. The veil can be very thin sometimes, and it would be just like Rachel to want me to know that she was fine and all was well. It was very reassuring because we had had a few discussions since her husband's passing that were filled with some doubt and uncertainty (on her part) about life after death.

I will miss Rachel very much. She was like a second mother to me after my mother passed away, and a substitute grandmother to my children for the past 17 years that we have been neighbors. She was a dear friend, a great support, a mentor and a care giver. We shared many good and bad times together and we helped each other through some of the hardest things mortality can bring. I am so thankful to have known this sweet soul, and I look forward to "goin' home" and seeing her again someday. For now I must be content to know that she is not far away, just out of sight.

Thank you, Rachel for another Thursday visit. I love you, dear friend..."I will remember you".

"It Is Well With My Soul"  - Chris Rice
https://youtu.be/ulfBlMdkT-E

Who I Was Born to Be

"You either walk inside your story and own it

or you stand outside your story and

hustle for your worthiness." 

- Brene Brown

Who I Was Born to Be (Susan Boyle w/lyrics)
http://youtu.be/mhXYHRS5aDo

       My thoughts have been wandering as I approach another birthday, and they have led me to this particular song. As a child I loved to sing. I would often stand on my front porch and watch the birds flying among the trees and try to imitate their songs, thinking I was somehow talking to them. I would stand there and sing songs. Some of these songs were familiar, but often they were of my own creation. I would sing about whatever I felt like. Music has always touched me in a special place inside of my soul, a place that feels intimately mine and very safe. Music has saved my sanity and, quite possibly, my life at times.

     I have been on a journey of self-discovery over the past few years. I have learned a lot about myself on this journey, most recently (with the help of a good therapist) the realization that I have a "highly sensitive personality". I had no idea there even was such a thing until my therapist recommended I read the book, The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron. As I read through this book, lights and bells and whistles began going off; it was one "aha' moment followed by another! It was me that she was writing about. I have always felt different than most people I have known in my life, but I never understood why. I always thought it was something wrong with me, so I have tried to change me to try to better fit in with those around me. It never worked, and I always came away feeling disappointed, lost and inadequate. As it turns out, I have a minority personality type (only about 20% of the population manifest this type of personality). No wonder I have always felt different and like I didn't belong in this world!

     Upon further exploration, I have also connected the dots with Brene Brown's, Power of Vulnerability, and Carol Tuttle's, Type 2 - soft, subtle energy profile (more on this in later blogs) I am beginning to see myself so much more clearly now - what motivates me, what cripples me and where and why I need to set clear and definite boundaries. I am still the same person I have always been, but now I am finally understanding why I am the way I am, and that it is o.k. to be that way - that is "who I am was born to be". I may not have found all of the answers, but at least I now know more than I ever have and I feel very liberated. I understand that I truly am not like everyone else, and that it is o.k. not to be. I am enough and I am okay just the way I am. I am who Heavenly Father made me to be. He created me this way, and I am trying my best to fulfill the measure of that creation to the best of my ability. I have always understood that not everyone will always like me or understand why I do what I do, but I have gifts that this world is in desperate need of, such as a large capacity to love, kindness, gentleness, patience, empathy, and peacefulness. I have also learned that this personality trait runs in families (much like "the force" in Star Wars). My father had it (I suspect his mother had it), my daughter has it (and my son too, I believe, though it tends to be harder for guys to manifest because of the world's view of masculinity). It is not something of which to be ashamed, it is something to be embraced and celebrated!

    I feel like I am finally coming out of a very dark place. For so long I felt like Winnie the Pooh with that little black rain cloud always following me (or maybe more like Eeyore "thanks for noticing me").  I feel empowered and more confident because I now know who I am and who I am meant to be, and that it is good, in fact, great to be that person! I truly am unique (something I have always wanted to be). I am special. I am me...and I am enough.

"Because true belonging only happens 

when we present our authentic, 

imperfect selves to the world.

Our sense of belonging 

can never be greater 

than our level of self-acceptance." 

- Brene Brown, The Gift of Imperfection

I Love You Just the Way You Are (Billy Joel)
http://youtu.be/vBZnGk1nAjw

Simple Gifts

'' 'Tis the gift to be simple,'tis the gift to be free

'tis the gift to come down to where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right.

'Twill be in the valley of love and 

delight.

When true simplicity is gained, 

To bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come round right."

(Simple Gifts by Joseph Brackett)

Simple Gifts (Jim Brickman)

 http://youtu.be/VyfNVVou878

      Not all Christmas gifts need to be expensive or are even materialistic. Today I received some "simple gifts" that were neither materialistic nor expensive, but to me were priceless. I had the opportunity to attend church meetings in another unit (Ward). I know many of the people in this unit from living and serving in the Grand Rapids Stake Primary for many years. Some of the familiar faces I saw I had served with and become acquainted with during my tenure in the Stake Primary, and it was wonderful to see them, to share a hug and feel their love for me. 

    I began serving as the Stake Primary Music Leader in February 1997, shortly after we moved to Michigan. During my tenure in that position I was asked to organize a Stake Primary Choir to contribute to the singing of the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah (December 1998). This oratorio is frequently sung during the Christmas season, and the Hallelujah Chorus is one of the highlights. The choir I was asked to lead consisted of several children, boys and girls, ranging in ages from 8 to 12 years old. Logistically this presented some challenges, as our stake is spread across a wide geographical area. My assignment was to gather as many children together as I could, arrange a couple of practices together, and then we were to perform in conjunction with the adults at a special Stake Christmas event that year. I was so excited to be able to do this. I knew it would have it's challenges, but I also knew it could be done. I composed and sent out letters to each of the 12 units in the stake to recruit voices. 

     In the letter I promised that this experience singing with the choir would be something the children who chose to participated would never forget. I knew this because in my own life I had had the opportunity to participate in a Primary Children's Chorus that sang in the Mormon Tabernacle on Temple Square when I was 12 years old. We sang several songs for a General Conference of the church. President Harold B. Lee was the president and prophet at that time. At that conference, Elder Boyd K. Packer gave is infamous talk about life after death. I remember it to this day and have benefited from that talk several times in my life since that day. After we sang, President Lee took some time to commend and thank us for our participation. In his speaking to us, he told us that we would never forget this experience, and that it would add meaning to our lives. It was an unforgettable day for me. 

    Now back to the Children's chorus experience... I had set up several rehearsals a few weeks prior to the actual performance. Most of the children who participated were located in the Grand Rapids area because that was the central location for the rehearsals and would eventually be where we performed. We practiced and worked until were able to sound pretty good. As the evening of the performance event approached, I decided that I wanted to make some kind of a thank you gift item for each of the children who participated in the chorus to remember it by. I decided to make each of them an angel Christmas ornament out of lace, a wooden bead, a gold pipe cleaner, and a golden elastic string (see photo). As the children sung like angels, I thought it would be a fitting reminder of their experience. The evening of the performance came and they sang beautifully - like angels. It was a successful venture and I was so grateful to all who chose to participate. I handed out the ornaments, thanked them, and proceeded on my way, not thinking much about it ... until today.

     As I have previously mentioned in this blog, I have had a difficult year this year, and as a result I have been struggling with many things lately. My "simple gift" came today. As I was talking with someone who I had come to know those many years ago, she re-introduced me to two of her sons, both of which participated in the Children's Chorus those many years ago. They did not really remember me, but their mother told them that it was I who had organized that chorus those many years ago, and it was I who had given them the ornaments which they continue to place on their Christmas tree every year to commemorate that event. It made me feel so good to know that I and my efforts of so many years ago are still fondly remembered and celebrated in this family. There was no greater 'gift' I could have received than that today than to be remembered, and to have that memory shared again with two young men who were part of that experience. It was a delight to share in that memory and to reap a gift from a seed sown so many years ago. What a precious and priceless gift! So simple, and yet for me, so sweet.  It was a Christmas miracle moment for me, and I am grateful for the opportunity to remember ... and to be remembered. 

Merry Christmas!

Hallelujah Chorus (Handel's Messiah)

http://youtu.be/IUZEtVbJT5c

The Origin of the Christmas Creche

Angels We Have Heard on High (Home Free)
http://youtu.be/teSuDu84kMc

It's a part of many Christmas celebrations - the Christmas creche, or Nativity scene, graces tables and churchyards throughout the holiday season. Saint Francis of Assisi is credited with starting the tradition, and in his The Life of Saint Francis of Assisi, Saint Bonaventure tells us the story. (Saint Bonaventure - 1263)

     "It happened in the third year before his death, that in order to excite the inhabitants of Grecio to commemorate the nativity of the Infant Jesus with great devotion, [St. Francis] determined to keep it with all possible solemnity; and lest he should be accused of lightness or novelty, he asked and obtained the permission of the sovereign Pontiff. Then he prepared a manger, and brought hay, and an ox and an ass to the place appointed. The brethren were summoned, the people ran together, the forest resounded with their voices, and the venerable night was made glorious by many and brilliant lights and sonorous psalms of praise. The man of God [St. Francis] stood before the manger, full of devotion and piety, bathed in tears and radiant with joy; the Holy Gospel was chanted by Francis, the Levite of Christ. Then he preached to the people around the nativity of the poor King; and being unable to utter His name for the tenderness of his love, he called Him the Babe of Bethlehem. A certain valiant and veracious soldier, Master John of Grecio, who, for the love of Christ, had left the warfare of this world, and become a dear friend of this holy man, affirmed that he beheld an Infant marvelously beautiful, sleeping in the manger, Whom the blessed Father Francis embraced with both his arms, as if he would awake Him from sleep. This vision of the devout soldier is credible, not only by reason of the sanctity of him that saw it, but by reason of the miracles which afterward confirmed its truth. For example of Francis, if it be considered by the world, is doubtless sufficient to excite all hearts which are negligent in the faith of Christ; and the hay of that manger, being preserved by the people, miraculously cured all diseases of cattle, and many other pestilences; God thus in all things glorifying his servant, and witnessing to the great efficacy of his holy prayers by manifest prodigies and miracles." (Source: A Classic Christmas. Harper One, 2009 pages 237-238)

     Almost every Christmas for the past 15 years we have celebrated the holiday performing or participating in some form of a Christmas Creche with family and friends. When our children were younger we would dress them in the various attire of the characters of the Creche, and they would act out the parts as the Nativity story was read. Some years they were angels, some years shepherds, and some years the animals. My son would often play the part of the narrator because he was of an age where he was a bit old for dressing up to act out the parts, but he was still willing to participate. My daughters and their friends would happily dress up and play the various parts. We would insert appropriate Christmas Carols to sing together throughout the program so as to be able to include all of the adults in attendance, and to generally add to the celebration and pageantry of the occasion. These are some of my happiest memories of Christmases past. 

     This year our church group has decided to perform a pageant at the Ward Christmas Party involving most of the young children. They all seem to be very excited about having the opportunity. I have been involved due to the fact that I play the piano for the young children in Primary (our children's organization - similar to Sunday School for you non-LDS readers). I have to admit, most ashamedly, I have been much less than enthusiastic about doing this again this year. As I have previously mentioned, it has been a very difficult year for my family, and me personally, this year and I had secretly hoped to be allowed to take a breather this year from the pageantry and pomp that can get so involved and overwhelming this time of year. Needless to say, I was less than excited to be dragged into doing yet another Christmas Creche and on an even grander scale that usual this year. My attitude might be compared to that of Ebeneezer Scrooge, in fact. Unfortunately, I let this attitude spill over on to some of my co-workers on this project this year and I have added discomfort and Grinchiness to their holiday season. I have been so caught up in worrying about how this all will affect me and my holiday stress (adding to an already stressful year) that I lost sight of the purpose and meaning behind what we are trying to do. I have been complaining, grouchy and downright Scroogey about the whole thing, but this morning I had an epiphany! I had a visit from a "ghost of Christmas past" so to speak. This morning I awoke thinking about the pageant and knowing that my bad attitude toward the whole thing simply had to change - for everyone's sake. So I got to thinking about our past pageant experiences and what a sweet spirit and joyful experience they had been to share with our children and our friends. I was usually the one behind the piano and rarely got to experience the entire program, but the spirit that came and permeated the room when we did the pageants was undeniable - it was really what brought in the true Spirit of Christmas. 

    Our children are all grown now and most of them have moved away, so we no longer have the opportunity to perform the Christmas Creches like we have done in the past. There are many children in our Ward who would never have the opportunity to participate in such an experience unless we provide that opportunity to them through such a venue as the Ward Christmas Party. It will be a bittersweet experience this year because of the departure of our dear friend, Bob Roll, who passed away suddenly just a month ago. Our two families enjoyed many a Christmas Creche together. How lucky we all were to have the opportunity to participate in such a special and reverent occasion that brought in the true Spirit of Christmas. This year may be one of the last that I will be asked to even participate in such an experience, and so I will choose to make it a reverent and positive experience for the children's sake. I will think of our dear friends and the wonderful memories from Christmases past that we shared. I will strive to make the "Christmas present" a joyous and reverent occasion for the children and their families. Perhaps this will help bring the true Spirit of Christmas into their holiday celebration and provide a special memory for them that will last their lifetimes. Hearts will be touched, memories will be made and a tribute (at least in my heart) will be sent heavenward to a dear friend as well as to my Lord and Savior, the Babe in Bethlehem, whose birth we celebrate this, and every, Christmas season. 

     And may God bless us, every one!

The First Noel (David Archuleta)
http://youtu.be/ZgrcBCC0xgg

Angels Among Us

"Our fathers and mothers, brothers, sisters and friends who have passed away from this earth, having been faithful, and worthy to enjoy these rights and privileges, may have a mission given them to visit their relatives and friends upon the earth again, bringing from the divine Presence messages of love, of warning, or reproof and instruction, to those whom they had learned to love in the flesh." (President Joseph F. Smith [1838-1918], Gospel Doctrine 5th ed. (1939), 436.

Angels Among Us (Alabama)

http://youtu.be/zCYFPMjCgKA

It was Thanksgiving evening, November 27, 2014. The events of the day, the dinner, the cleanup, the conversation, were winding down and we were settling in for the night. My husband was watching a ball game in the den. My daughter was sleeping in preparation for having to work from midnight to 6 a.m. on Black Friday. My married children were spending the holiday with their in-laws.  I was alone and restless, beginning to feel that longing for home, family and friends that I have known so often on past Thanksgiving days. We were alone and lacking in company this year, so I decided that I needed to do something, anything, that would help take away some of the lonely, longing, homesick feeling that I could feel creeping into my soul. 

I had some yarn and knitting needles that I had put aside to knit another dishcloth, like my mother used to make, so I decided to bring it out and see if I could get one done before the evening was over. I sat down in my chair and began knitting. I turned the television on and decided to see what was worth watching that might bring me some comfort. I noticed on INSP that they were playing a series of The Waltons for the day, specifically Thanksgiving related shows, one of which was titled "The Waltons: A Thanksgiving Reunion". It was set in 1963, the Thanksgiving following when President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. The entire clan was returning to the family home for Thanksgiving dinner. I had enjoyed watching this television series when I was younger, with my father sitting in his chair across the room, so I decided to watch is while I knit (something my mother usually did at home in the evenings). 

As I began to knit and watch the show I began to feel a warmth and comfort come over me. I have had this feeling before and was pretty familiar with what it meant - my father was nearby, checking in on me. He passed away near Thanksgiving 9 years ago. We we very close and I have occasionally felt his presence at times when I have needed him over the past 9 years. I think had he been visible on this side of the veil he would have been sitting in the chair next to me, he felt that close to me. l felt his presence there throughout the remainder of the show. I said nothing to my daughter, who later joined me, but I felt certain that daddy was there. It would have been so like him to come and check in when I was feeling so exceptionally down on this Thanksgiving because of the loss of a dear friend and brother just a few weeks prior. 

We usually spent our Thanksgivings with this dear family, but due to the current circumstances felt it better to allow them their privacy allowing them to grieve their great loss of a beloved husband and father. Thanksgiving was Bob's holiday, and we have spent countless Thanksgiving dinners seated at their table and enjoying the feast and company, so this year felt exceptionally lonely and sad. Each year Bob would lead the sharing for those of us seated around his table to tell the one thing for which we were most grateful this year. It was different without them this year, without the sharing, the laughter and the games of "Ticket to Ride" seated around their dining room table with a football game playing on the television in the background and a fire in the fireplace. Good food, good company and good times. I think that had I sat around that table this year the one thing I would have shared that I was most thankful for would have been for having had Bob and his family as such a wonderful and big part of my life and the life of my family over the past 15 years, and most especially over this past year. They have been such a wonderful and much needed support to our family through the difficulties we have experienced over the past year or so. They have truly been angels as they have offered love, support and service to our family, and I will miss the close association we have had with Bob. 

Now, as another chapter has closed on that life that once was. I am sad. I, too, must take some time to grieve this great loss in our life. I hope to share more special and fun times with his family, but it will somehow not be quite the same without Bob there. I will miss his sense of humor, his smiling face, and his hugs. He truly was someone that I would consider an "angel among us", and I hope that he, like my father, will decide to check in on us once in a while and share his love with us once again. 

Angels We Have Heard On High
http://youtu.be/sb0Jg96bWMo

I Haven't Got Time for the Pain

Don't think. Feel (Neil Diamond)
http://youtu.be/6QVmhdXnhlE

Lots of people think that it is wrong to cry when you are afraid, hurt or sad, or even when you are full of joy. Others frown on those whose laughter fills the room when they are experiencing great joy. I'm here to tell you that I believe that to be a "profoundly dangerous" myth.

I ran across a video clip the other day that resonated with me. It's message - The Power of Vulnerability - has now come into my sphere of consciousness several time over the past few weeks. I think it's trying to tell me something. (Here is the clip for those who want to view it: The Power of Vulnerability (Dr. Brene Brown)
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html).

Over the past few years of my life I have come to better understand this "power of vulnerability". One of the symptoms that all was not right in my world was my inability to really feel deeply. At some of the most emotional and meaningful moments of my life all I felt was numb and disconnected.  I felt that I was simply going through the motions of life and getting through what needed to be done. The reality of this fact really hit me at significant events in which I knew I didn't feel the way I was supposed to feel. Over the process of time and understanding, I have come to realize that I had shut down my emotions and feelings.  I had felt such great pain and sorrow, that I became afraid to feel anything at all. I have found that in trying to "guard and protect my heart" from pain, I am also protecting it from feeling peace, love and joy.  Life is meant to be lived and felt.

Frankly, the past few years of my life have been quite the roller coaster ride of emotions. I became overloaded and therefore, I became afraid to feel anything anymore - good or bad. I did not want to be vulnerable to any more pain, but as a result I was also not able to feel much joy or happiness. I think that one reason I shut down emotionally was because I hadn't had enough time to, nor did I completely know how to, process one life-altering event before another one came along. I felt like a sinking swimmer desperately trying to come up for air and getting hit with another wave. Wave, upon wave - and I was barely breathing.

As hard as the past year has been for me it has also been a relief for me to finally have had enough down time to be able to process a lot of what has happened in my life over these past years. It has been a year of healing both physically and emotionally. Due to my physical health and other circumstances, I have been forced to deal with things that I would really rather not have ever had to deal with.  It has been sad, and sometimes quite painful in spite of my best efforts to avoid it.  I have come to realize how much I missed out on feeling because I would not allow myself to be vulnerable. I have also come to realize that vulnerability is what makes us human, it is what makes life worth living. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of humanness!

So, now I am finding that when I am in a situation in which I think I should be feeling a certain way - either joy or sorrow - and I am not feeling that way that there is something very wrong. I think that as I continue to explore understand this power of vulnerability, I am healing some of the underlying wounds and lighting up some of the darker places in my life. I am finding that in the long run it is much better to allow myself to feel what I need to feel than to suppress it, because these feelings inevitably come back later- stronger and more persistently.  I understand that being vulnerable will mean feeling more pain in my life, and I need to prepare myself for that possibility. But, it also opens up the possibility of feeling great peace, joy and happiness that has too long been absent from my life - and has been sorely missed. Life comes up short when the journey seems long.

I Haven't Got Time for the Pain (Carly Simon)
http://youtu.be/E3_l5Ss203I

Love Wins

Say Love (Hilary Weeks)
http://youtu.be/wYPxi5GeMqc

Today I had a wonderful experience, I attended a funeral. Now, usually you don't associate funerals with wonderful experiences, but this was an exception.

My friend, Helen, was who was 85 years old, passed away a few days ago. It was not unexpected as she had been deteriorating for quite some time and had been under hospice care for the past 8 months. But the one thing that was amazing to me was the outpouring of love I saw given to her today by almost a hundred young men who weren't even there!

As I have mentioned previously, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, commonly known as "The Mormons". I have lived in this area for just over 14 years. I met Helen just over 5 years ago when she joined our church after being taught by a couple of our missionaries. I was in attendance at her baptismal service and I also witnessed her participation at a temple ceremony that made it possible for her to be with her eternal companion forever. Those were wonderful moments, but today I saw something that made me stop and ponder the power of love.

As I walked into the funeral home I saw one of the missionaries who is serving here. I shook his hand and we talked for a few minutes and then I made my way over to the open casket where my friend, Helen's, body lay. She wasn't too much thinner than the last time I saw her and she looked at peace, finally, after being in pain for a very long time. The thing that struck me most though, was what I saw laying across a table next to her casket. On this table, on two different shelves, were ties. Yes, ties! Helen had a tradition of collecting a tie from each missionary that has served in our area over the past 5 years. She would ask them to write something on the back of them, or at least sign them. Some said how much they loved her and how much they loved being a missionary and serving the Lord here. Helen loved her missionaries!  She collected the ties and kept this collection visible in all of the various places that she has lived over the past 5 years. On the other side of her casket was a picture frame with many pictures of the various missionaries who have served in this area. It was fun to see their faces again and reminisce about the good memories and times we had when they were here. In a final act of love, Helen asked that all of the ties be placed in the casket with her so that she could be buried with the love and warm wishes that were written on each of the ties.

In the course of conversations during the luncheon that followed the service, I discovered that each set of missionaries who were here, when they were getting transferred, would pass along the request to be sure to visit "Grandma Helen". Each set that followed did so and adopted her as a substitute grandma. Many of these young men were far from home, some for the first time, so it was a great comfort to them to have a "grandma" who loved them, fed them and cared about them here. They all came to love her and she loved them. It was a simple act of kindness to leave a tie behind for a memory for dear "Grandma Helen" but she cherished each and every one.

Grandma Helen has passed on to be with her beloved now, but her memory will live on in the lives and hearts of each of us that loved her and cared for her. I am a little sad to know that the next missionaries that serve here won't have the blessing of getting to know her and to be one of "her boys". But I know, because I felt it, that she loved us and is mindful of each one of us. She will now be stronger and better able to serve and love us from the other side of the veil. Now she is strong and pain free. We will miss her, but know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ we will see each other again someday.

Rest in peace, sweet Helen, rest in peace.

That's What Love is For (Amy Grant)
http://youtu.be/QaeUgmoL7HE

Conviction of the Heart

Where are the dreams that we once had?

This is the time to bring them back.

What were the promises 

caught on the tips of our tongues?

Do we forget or forgive?

There's a whole other life

waiting to live.

One day we're brave enough

to talk with conviction of the heart.

Down your streets I've walked alone,

As if my feet were not my own.

Such is the path I chose,

doors I have opened and closed.

I'm tired of living this lie,

fooling myself, believing we're right 

when I've never given love

with any conviction of the heart.

One with the earth, 

with the sky, 

one with everything in life.

I believe we'll survive if we only try. 

How long must we all wait to change

the world bound in chains that we live in?

To know what it is to forgive 

and be forgiven.

Too many years of taking now

 isn't it time to stop somehow?

Air that's too angry to breathe. 

Water our children can drink

You've heard it hundreds of times.

You say you're aware, 

believe, and you care.

Do you care enough?

Where's your conviction of the heart?

One with the earth, 

with the sky, 

one with everything in life.

I believe it will start 

with conviction of the heart.

One earth, one sky

only one world

only one chance for

one life

When will we live?

Only one earth,

only one sky,

only one shot!

We've only got one chance to give it

One life

Believe

It's only gonna start 

when we believe with some 

conviction of the heart! 

Conviction of the Heart (Kenny Loggins - It's awesome!)
http://youtu.be/rQZbB5CUXFI

     I have recently had some experiences that have caused me to pause and take look deep into my heart, and review what I really believe and what I really feel about some things in my life. I neither sought nor necessarily desired to have these experiences come into my sphere of consciousness and awareness, but they came none the less.  Although I would rather not have had to address them, I believe it was necessary for my personal growth and character development, and to be able to move forward with conviction in my life. By facing these experiences I have come to better understand and solidify parts of my character and my life of which perhaps I was still a little unsure and uncertain. I have pondered, prayed, analyzed (and re-analyzed) and read as I searched for answers as to why they came into my life at this time and what I am to do about them.

     Today I had a breakthrough, and have come to better understand why they were put in my path and what I was to do about them. It is all part of my healing and growing process. One experience strengthened my "conviction of the heart" as I shared with an individual how I felt about things that are near and dear to my heart; things that it has taken me a lifetime to come to understand. The other experience strengthened my commitment to maintain choices that I had made many, many years ago in my life. It was not comfortable having to think about these things and having to re-assess them in my life, but it was very necessary in order for me to move forward with full "conviction of the heart" regarding them. I have solidified my feelings about them, and now I can move forward with a full understanding and with a full "conviction of heart" - and to be able to do so makes me feel good for the first time in a very long time.

For The First Time (Kenny Loggins)
http://youtu.be/lwFRB7sC7P4

What I Want My Children to Know, Part 2

He Is (Hilary Weeks)

http://youtu.be/GeXA4A8INJ4

The nature of God: 

"How do you view God? As a vengeful God or as a kind and loving Father in Heaven? This is how I choose to view Him. I guess it helped me to have a kind and loving earthly father that was a good example for me to look up to. When I was about 12 or 13 years old I began to question whether there even was a God. I remember taking a long walk and pondering this question. I remember looking around me at the beautiful world in which I lived and I felt an overwhelming assurance that it could not have happened by accident, and that there had to be a God who created all of the beautiful things that I saw around me. How or why would a vengeful and angry God create such a beautiful place for us to live? Why would he even care about us and what we did if He was always angry and just waiting to pounce on us any time we did something wrong? My own experiences with God have taught me that he is kind, merciful and loving. Heavenly Father tells us that it is his work and his glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. This is his primary purpose in our even having this earth on which we live. Why would a vengeful and angry God even care? Sometimes it seems that we tend to put our own understanding of mortal men into the personality of God, but he is so much better and so much more than what we see manifest around us on a regular basis.

Our relationship to Jesus Christ: 

Yes, we do worship Jesus Christ, but as our Savior and Redeemer and co-creator of our world. He is our loving and kind older brother, and our friend. He is also a son of our Heavenly Father, who- because he loved us - chose to take upon Him our sins and our trials and our cares in order to be able to teach us, help us and guide us as we go through our own mortal experience. He showed us the way, and he is the example we can choose to follow that will help us navigate the storms of mortality. I never forget that he is part immortal, and that is what made such a difference in his being able to withstand the challenges and temptations of mortality. However, he too, had to call upon our Father in Heaven for help in his time of need. But, because he was both mortal and immortal, he is the only candidate to show us how to live in order to return home to our kind, loving Heavenly Father.

Obedience brings blessings: 

Sometimes we just expect Heavenly Father to give us answers to our prayers without any effort expended on our own part. Obedience brings blessings. When we are obeying God's commandments he is going to bless us with the knowledge and the understanding for which we are seeking. Just like how we learn in school, there is usually an expectation that we will do some searching, pondering and praying to find the answers. Often it is through this effort and the search that we find the answers and then the answers "stick", because we have put in the consistent effort to find them. What we do then, after we know the truth, is to act upon that knowledge and to live in accordance with what we know to be true. Just like with any subject, we need to look to the "experts" to find the most valid truth and information. If we want to find the answers regarding God and Christ and our purpose in life, we need to look at the source, i.e. the scriptures, as they are the Word of God to man on earth. Have you read the Bible, Book of Mormon and Pearl of Great Price lately? This is the best resource to look to to find your answers. These are the truths that have been written by the experts who have had personal experiences with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and they know them and their teachings and expectations.

What about organized religion? Why do we need it? 

Now, regarding organized religion, per se. One of the things that makes a difference between the various religious sects is that those who are preaching, teaching, expounding and exhorting need to have the authority to do so. This authority must come from God himself, not be determined by some man-made source - like a seminary or theological institution or their own decision to start their own church. That is what the Priesthood of God is - the power given to man from God to act in His name. Frankly, our church and it's leaders is the only church that had been authorized by God himself, through the Prophet Joseph Smith, to be able to do His work here on this earth. You wouldn't go to a dentist to have them do an appendectomy on you! You go to someone who has learned the skills and knows what they are doing. Such are the leaders who have been called by God to lead and direct our church. These men have had experiences and tests and trials that have proved them to see if they would do all things which our Heavenly Father asks of them. They have not been found wanting, and that is why they are called, sustained and set apart to lead in our church. They are mortal, just like us, but they have chosen to follow the teachings of God and Christ to the best of their knowledge and ability, and God has chosen them to help lead others back to him. They are special witnesses of God and his son, Jesus Christ, because they know them - intimately. Because of this knowledge I know I can trust what they teach and how they lead. I have also had this confirmed to me many times as I have prayed about and followed their counsel and direction."

These are a few of the truths that I have come to know and understand throughout my life. I, too, have had questions and times when I sought the answers to "the big questions".  I want to share the answers that I have found with you here to be sure that you know that I know. Now it's your turn to find the answers for yourself, because each of us must have a testimony of our own of the truthfulness of these things. Search, ponder and pray and the answers will come, but until they do and you have a firm testimony of your own, you can borrow mine....

Origin (MormonMessagesYouth)

http://youtu.be/YqZ8bTjj-_E

What I Want My Children to Know, Part 1

 "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; 

knock, and it shall be opened unto you:" (Matt. 7:7)

http://youtu.be/Pzmw6DDEodQ

I Stand All Amazed

     This week I had to opportunity to reconnect with an old friend. She is searching for answers to some of the "big questions" of life and felt comfortable enough with me to ask my opinion. I felt so honored to be able to tell her what I believe. I got to thinking about my own children and how much I hope they understand the same things that I shared with her. So, I decided it was important enough to blog about it. So, here it is - part 1:

"The short answer to your question, "Why do we need a Savior?" is this - because we all sin.

Because of the Fall of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden (when they transgressed and partook of the forbidden fruit) they introduced both temporal and spiritual death into the world. If these two deaths had not been overcome by Jesus Christ's Atonement, two consequences would have resulted: our bodies and our spirits would have been separated forever, and we could not have lived again with our Heavenly Father (See 2 Nephi 9:7-9 - actually all of 2 Nephi 2 - http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/2-ne/2?lang=eng - is a wonderful chapter to enlighten us about this concept).

But our wise Heavenly Father prepared a wonderful, merciful plan to save us from physical and spiritual death. He planned for a Savior to come to earth to ransom (redeem) us from our sins and from death. Because of our sins and the weakness of our mortal bodies, we could not ransom ourselves (see Alma 34:10-12 - http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/34.10?lang=eng#9). The one who would be our Savior would need to be sinless and to have power over death.

Maybe a story, a parable,  by Elder Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles will better illustrate what I am trying to tell you:

"There once was a man who wanted something very much. It seemed more important than anything else in his life. In order for him to have his desire, he incurred a great debt.

"He had been warned about going into that much debt, and particularly about his creditor. But it seemed so important for him to do what he wanted to do and to have what he wanted right now. He was sure he could pay for it later.

"So he signed a contract. He would pay it off some time along the way. He didn't worry too much about it, for the due date seemed such a long time away. He had what he wanted now, and that was what seemed important.

"The creditor was always somewhere in the back of his mind, and he made token payments now and again, thinking somehow that the day of reckoning really would never come.

"But as it always does, the day came, and the contract fell due. The debt had not been fully paid. His creditor appeared and demanded payment in full.

"Only then did he realize that his creditor not only had the power to repossess all that he owned, but the power to cast him into prison as well.

" 'I cannot pay you, for I have not the power to do so,' he confessed.

" 'Than,' said the creditor, 'we will exercise the contract, take your possessions, and you shall go to prison. You agreed to that. It was your choice. You signed the contract, and now it must be enforced.'

"'Can you not extend the time or forgive the debt?' the debtor begged. 'Arrange some way for me to keep what I have and not go to prison. Surely you believe in mercy? Will you not show mercy?'

“The creditor replied, ‘Mercy is always so one-sided. It would serve only you. If I show mercy to you, it will leave me unpaid. It is justice I demand. Do you believe in justice?’

“‘I believed in justice when I signed the contract,’ the debtor said. ‘It was on my side then, for I thought it would protect me. I did not need mercy then, nor think I should need it ever. Justice, I thought, would serve both of us equally as well.’

“‘It is justice that demands that you pay the contract or suffer the penalty,’ the creditor replied. ‘That is the law. You have agreed to it and that is the way it must be. Mercy cannot rob justice.’

“There they were: One meting out justice, the other pleading for mercy. Neither could prevail except at the expense of the other.

“‘If you do not forgive the debt there will be no mercy,’ the debtor pleaded.

“‘If I do, there will be no justice,’ was the reply.

“Both laws, it seemed, could not be served. They are two eternal ideals that appear to contradict one another. Is there no way for justice to be fully served, and mercy also?

“There is a way! The law of justice can be fully satisfied and mercy can be fully extended—but it takes someone else. And so it happened this time.

“The debtor had a friend. He came to help. He knew the debtor well. He knew him to be shortsighted. He thought him foolish to have gotten himself into such a predicament. Nevertheless, he wanted to help because he loved him. He stepped between them, faced the creditor, and made this offer.

“‘I will pay the debt if you will free the debtor from his contract so that he may keep his possessions and not go to prison.’

“As the creditor was pondering the offer, the mediator added, ‘You demanded justice. Though he cannot pay you, I will do so. You will have been justly dealt with and can ask no more. It would not be just.’

“And so the creditor agreed.

“The mediator turned then to the debtor. ‘If I pay your debt, will you accept me as your creditor?’

“‘Oh yes, yes,’ cried the debtor. ‘You save me from prison and show mercy to me.’

“‘Then,’ said the benefactor, ‘you will pay the debt to me and I will set the terms. It will not be easy, but it will be possible. I will provide a way. You need not go to prison.’

“And so it was that the creditor was paid in full. He had been justly dealt with. No contract had been broken.

“The debtor, in turn, had been extended mercy. Both laws stood fulfilled. Because there was a mediator, justice had claimed its full share, and mercy was fully satisfied” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1977, 79–80; or Ensign, May 1977, 54–55).

Our sins are our spiritual debts. Without Jesus Christ, who is our Savior and Mediator, we would all pay for our sins by suffering spiritual death. But because of Him, if we will keep His terms, which are to repent and keep His commandments, we may return to live with our Heavenly Father.

It is wonderful that Christ has provided us a way to be healed from our sins. He said:

“Behold, I have come unto the world … to save the world from sin.

“Therefore, whoso repenteth and cometh unto me as a little child, him will I receive, for of such is the kingdom of God. Behold, for such I have laid down my life, and have taken it up again; therefore repent, and come unto me ye ends of the earth, and be saved” (3 Nephi 9:21–22).

Let me add my testimony of the truthfulness of this doctrine. I have recently been working with the Family Support Group at church, and  I have found that by applying the principles I have learned in this program I have come to have a greater understanding of the grace and mercy of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and of his love for ALL of God's children - including you and including me. It is because of His great love for us that Jesus Christ chose to take upon Him our sins and suffer a horrible death in order that we might someday have eternal life. What we do to qualify for this blessing is to have faith, repent of our sins and continually choose to be obedient to God's commandments. There is nothing that you or I have done (short of denying the Holy Ghost after we have had a sure witness) for which we cannot repent and be forgiven. That is the beauty of the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. It is a marvelous and wonderful gift from a loving Heavenly Father, but we have to choose to accept it and act upon it.

You are a special child of a loving Heavenly Father. You have experienced many challenges and difficulties over your lifetime, as we all have, but I know that through the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ, all things will be made right someday - either in this life or the next. My counsel to you would be to pray with an open and sincere heart and I know that our loving Heavenly Father will answer your prayers in His own way and in His own time. As a truth seeker, listen to what your heart and your mind are telling you. I would also counsel you to be sure that the sources that you are learning from are sincere and true. The best source for learning truth, in my opinion and God's, are the scriptures. Through them truths are made manifest if we are open and seeking for them.

To Be Continued....

I Know That My Redeemer Lives

http://youtu.be/z0NoxhsH8rE

"Mixed Blessings"





Blessings (Laura Story)

http://youtu.be/GMeFzFUbmJo

     Yesterday I was driving to my yoga class and I heard this song for the first time on my car radio. It was such a powerful experience that it felt like time just stopped, and I was transported to a space in time that was limitless and yet all encompassing. It is hard to explain, but I knew that hearing this song at that exact moment in time was no coincidence. It was a spiritual moment meant for me, then and there. It was the message from God that I needed to hear. It was a tender mercy to me in a time of great need. I think the thing that gave it the greatest impact was the feelings that it invoked in me; feelings of complete understanding, hope and love.

      We are all fighting battles within our souls, every day, in our own way. It is the nature of the mortal life we live, especially in these days of trial and troubles on every side. President Ezra Taft Benson said this:

"Great battles can make great heroes and heroines. We will never have a better opportunity to be valiant in a more crucial cause than in the battle we face today and in the immediate future. Some of the greatest battles we will face will be fought within the silent chambers of our own souls." ("In His Steps" Ensign, Sept. 1988).

     I find a great reassurance and understanding in this quote by Elde Quentin R. Cook. "We know from the scriptures that some trials are for our good and are suited for our own personal development" ("Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard TIme" Ensign, October 2008).  We experience pain and heartache that are "tailor maid" for us. It is by experiencing these challenges that will ultimately sanctify us and purify us. The intent of these trials and tests is to help us to become who our Father in Heaven intended us to be. This is hard to see when one is in the midst of them though because growing pains are exactly that - painful!

   Elder Orson F. Whitney shared: "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, build[s] up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable ...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire." (Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, Deseret Book, 19785, 98).

   Perhaps I needed to be reminded of this truth yesterday and that is why this song had such an impact on me. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in the battle. That is perhaps the most important thing to remember when experiencing the fight. We continue to pray for relief, knowing that we are not alone in our battle. Maybe we should be grateful to know we are growing , and that God has enough confidence in us to make it.

"What if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights

   are what it takes to know Your near?

What if trials in this life are Your mercies in disquise? ....

We know that pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our Home....

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops,

what if your healing comes through tears.

What if a thousand sleepless nights

   are what it take to know your near.

What if my greatest disappointments

or the aching of this life

is the revealing of a "greater thirst" this world can't satisfy.

What if trials of this life - the rain, the storms, the hardest nights

are your mercies in disguise"

Laura Story - "Blessings" - The story behind the song

http://youtu.be/gjB2skJi2co

Reviewing the Past for a Brighter Future



Another Life (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/V5l1JS0oWzc

     Not long ago I awoke in the morning to the words of a Don Henley song going through my head. "Don't look back, you can never look back" (Boys of Summer). Then, a few weeks later I had the opportunity to visit some old friends that I hadn't seen in a very long time. Some of my memories of previous experience among this group weren't pleasant, and I admit that I was anxious about encountering some of them again after such a long time apart. I worried about what they remembered about me and how I handled some trying situations in my past. I was pleasantly surprised to be welcomed with loving embraces and warm memories! What could have been a very uncomfortable and unfortunate event, turned out to bring a welcome closure to some events in my past. Many of the individuals with whom I had quarrels were no longer present and it was, overall, a very healing experience for me.

  I am grateful that the individuals that I encountered from my past were so willing to remember only the good and not bring up or remember the past. Many whom I saw likely didn't know about the experiences I had had, nor did it really matter to them. What mattered to them we renewing our acquaintance and friendship and showing forth love and care for one another. That acceptance, that love, was exactly what was needed for me at that time to heal from the painful experiences of the past. And, it says a lot about their character and mine.

     I find it interesting that sometimes when I reflect back on past experiences it is harder to remember the good times, but very easy to remember the bad. (I guess that says as much about me and my perceptions as it does about my attitudes). We tend to attract what we focus on, and in order to change the future we may need to review the past. I have found that the journal which I have kept for many years helps me with this exercise. Re-reading some of the entries helps me to get a better perspective on where I was at mentally, emotionally and physically at the various "moments" of my life that were sometimes trying to experience. Often, when I re-read past journal entries I see things differently.

    I cannot change what has happened in the past, nor would I want to (although I'm certain I didn't feel that way when I was going through the trials). But now, from this side of them, I am better able to be grateful for what I have learned and who I have become as a result of experiencing and overcoming those challenges. It is through these experiences that I have come to "know God" and better understand that He is there for me, to help carry me as I go through them and bring me safely through to the other side of them. I have become more willing to trust in Him and His plan for me, and I have a better understanding of my relationship with Him. As I come to feel his love for me I am better able to love others as He would have me do. I am better able to "cut some slack" to others who might be experiencing their own tailor-made trials and tests of life. I am better able to feel compassion for myself as I look back at what I was going through during those trying times in my life when I may not have behaved as well as I could/should have.

     We are all entitled to a new beginning. Everyone has had challenging experiences in their lives where we may have behaved badly. It's what we learn from them that matters and, hopefully, moves us forward. I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to leave the past in the past and look forward to the future. I do not need to let what happened in the past define who I am now, nor who I will become. This is one of the blessings of repentance, forgiveness, and the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As a result of having gone through this experience I am better able to turn the hurt and sorrow over to God, and let it go in order to move into a happier, healthier, and more peaceful and joy-filled future.
    
O Remember, Remember (Henry B. Eyring)
http://youtu.be/DF01BQAcj8E

Change of Heart



Change of Heart (Jim Brickman and Olivia Newton John)
http://youtu.be/_n4rzwX_GUA

     I have had lots of time to think about my life lately because of my current life circumstances. I wonder if this might be the reason why God has placed some of the challenges in my path of late. I feel I am at a crossroad in my life. I look behind and see my life as a child and as a parent and all that went with that, and look before me and see what life might bring in the future. I see that I am at a pivotal and critical time in my life choices. I have read about this time in a woman's life and how that sometimes feelings and emotions that have often been suppressed for years tend to surface. I find that I just can't "stuff it" or shove them back underground like I have done for many years. At times it feels like I am riding an emotional roller coaster and I don't know how to get off!

     Some days are more manageable than others. For example, I recently had an experience that brought to the surface a character weakness of mine that I thought I had conquered years ago! It seems that as life cycles around and around, hopefully spiraling upward, that at some times these situations come back to haunt me and need to be re-addressed and dealt with. I find this to be especially true if it is an issue that I "stuffed" or shoved aside earlier in my life journey because for whatever reason I didn't want to deal with it then. With this particular weakness I have felt embarrassed or ashamed about it because it was not what "good girls" are supposed to feel. But I am finding that if the issues haven't been dealt with in a productive and healing way the first time around, they resurface later on at vulnerable times in my life and demand to be dealt with then. Such is the nature of my latest revelation.

   It is a hard thing to see your weakness put blatantly in front of your face, and then realize that you aren't who you thought you were or who you would like to be. It certainly isn't very flattering or positive. It is also difficult to realize I cannot "fix" this by myself because I have tried - over and over again. The habit track of reacting this way is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that I'm not even sure where to start to fix it. But "they" say that recognition is the first step to healing it, so I think I am on the right track so far. It will take some time, prayer and patience to work through this and hopefully overcome it, eventually turning it into a character strength. I believe that with God all things are possible, but I also feel like "Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief". I know it will take a leap of faith and trust in an all wise and knowing God in order to be able to turn this over to him and allow him to "fix" it. This is a hard thing for us "control freaks" to do, but I am so tired of dealing with this one that I am willing to try. It has disrupted my peace of mind and sucked the joy out of my life for the last time! It is time to "let go and let God". Time to surrender. I have to fight the urge to retain any part of it because if I do that I will never be free from it.

      So maybe this crossroad in my life journey, this point in time, really is about me after all. Maybe it's finally my turn to work some of this out and decide who I want to be and how I want to live the rest of my life. What a revelation! The trick for me will be allowing myself permission to take this time for me to figure it all out. I have taken care of everyone else but me for so long, this feels pretty selfish, scarey and overwhelming right now. I feel like a bird whose mother has just pushed her out of the nest and said fly - but without any instructions.

     Yesterday I "found" a necklace with a circular charm with the word "Greatness" engraved on it. Lying on top of the circle is another charm, a gold star. The card to which it was attached said: "The pursuit of Greatness is always daring, and calls forth our True potential. Never underestimate Your power for greatness. Wear this pendant as a symbol that greatness lives within you."  I may make some mistakes along the way, but I also know that I have to try, otherwise I will stagnate and die. Grow or die, it seems like I have heard (and said) that before. I will discover "what lies within" me and under God's watchful eye  - I will fly.

It's My Turn (Diana Ross)
http://youtu.be/veJl__sjDt4

Phoenix