Who I Was Born to Be

"You either walk inside your story and own it

or you stand outside your story and

hustle for your worthiness." 

- Brene Brown

Who I Was Born to Be (Susan Boyle w/lyrics)
http://youtu.be/mhXYHRS5aDo

       My thoughts have been wandering as I approach another birthday, and they have led me to this particular song. As a child I loved to sing. I would often stand on my front porch and watch the birds flying among the trees and try to imitate their songs, thinking I was somehow talking to them. I would stand there and sing songs. Some of these songs were familiar, but often they were of my own creation. I would sing about whatever I felt like. Music has always touched me in a special place inside of my soul, a place that feels intimately mine and very safe. Music has saved my sanity and, quite possibly, my life at times.

     I have been on a journey of self-discovery over the past few years. I have learned a lot about myself on this journey, most recently (with the help of a good therapist) the realization that I have a "highly sensitive personality". I had no idea there even was such a thing until my therapist recommended I read the book, The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron. As I read through this book, lights and bells and whistles began going off; it was one "aha' moment followed by another! It was me that she was writing about. I have always felt different than most people I have known in my life, but I never understood why. I always thought it was something wrong with me, so I have tried to change me to try to better fit in with those around me. It never worked, and I always came away feeling disappointed, lost and inadequate. As it turns out, I have a minority personality type (only about 20% of the population manifest this type of personality). No wonder I have always felt different and like I didn't belong in this world!

     Upon further exploration, I have also connected the dots with Brene Brown's, Power of Vulnerability, and Carol Tuttle's, Type 2 - soft, subtle energy profile (more on this in later blogs) I am beginning to see myself so much more clearly now - what motivates me, what cripples me and where and why I need to set clear and definite boundaries. I am still the same person I have always been, but now I am finally understanding why I am the way I am, and that it is o.k. to be that way - that is "who I am was born to be". I may not have found all of the answers, but at least I now know more than I ever have and I feel very liberated. I understand that I truly am not like everyone else, and that it is o.k. not to be. I am enough and I am okay just the way I am. I am who Heavenly Father made me to be. He created me this way, and I am trying my best to fulfill the measure of that creation to the best of my ability. I have always understood that not everyone will always like me or understand why I do what I do, but I have gifts that this world is in desperate need of, such as a large capacity to love, kindness, gentleness, patience, empathy, and peacefulness. I have also learned that this personality trait runs in families (much like "the force" in Star Wars). My father had it (I suspect his mother had it), my daughter has it (and my son too, I believe, though it tends to be harder for guys to manifest because of the world's view of masculinity). It is not something of which to be ashamed, it is something to be embraced and celebrated!

    I feel like I am finally coming out of a very dark place. For so long I felt like Winnie the Pooh with that little black rain cloud always following me (or maybe more like Eeyore "thanks for noticing me").  I feel empowered and more confident because I now know who I am and who I am meant to be, and that it is good, in fact, great to be that person! I truly am unique (something I have always wanted to be). I am special. I am me...and I am enough.

"Because true belonging only happens 

when we present our authentic, 

imperfect selves to the world.

Our sense of belonging 

can never be greater 

than our level of self-acceptance." 

- Brene Brown, The Gift of Imperfection

I Love You Just the Way You Are (Billy Joel)
http://youtu.be/vBZnGk1nAjw

When You Have Your Health....

Every Breath You Take (The Police)

http://youtu.be/_wsMEj2ZfW8

     "They" say that when you have your health you have everything. My recent bout with a nasty virus has caused me to ponder on this truth. It all started with some congestion in my chest and some slight wheezing. The weather was changing abruptly - again - so I just thought it was my body trying to adjust to the barometric pressure shift. Twenty-four hours later I felt like I had been hit by a truck! After many days and hours of rest, pumping Coldeze, Sambucol, Luden's Cherry Flavored cough drops and eventually some Theraflu (at night so I could finally sleep) into my system, and watching way too many hours of television, I have survived. This experience has given me a new appreciation for good health. This morning, after more than a week, I could actually take a deep breath without coughing, and I finally had a good night's sleep! Life is good!

    It has been a long time since I was this ill. I have had other health challenges within the past year or so, but this one seemed to be the one that tried my patience the most. There is definitely a mind/body connection when it comes to one's health.  There is nothing quite as unsettling as feeling like you have little control over your health and what is happening inside of your body or your mind. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to live with a chronic illness or disease every day of one's life. It must be very difficult to endure and remain positive and upbeat. I'll admit it, I am not a good sick person. In fact, one of my greatest fears is that I will lose my health, but still keep my mind and will. (I secretly hope that if I lose one I will also lose the other). To add to it, the side effects of the over-the-counter medications are worse than the illness is for me, so this is why I usually choose to take the homeopathic ones over the pharmaceutical company brands, if at all possible. 

     The past few months of health challenges have also caused me to re-evaluate the importance of taking better care of myself. I am certainly not getting any younger, and apparently not a lot healthier either. I think it is past time for me to get my act together and start doing something more about it. I just hope I am not too late to make the necessary changes for a better, healthier me. I know that I will be limited at this time in my life as to what type of exercise I will be able to do, especially considering my back/leg/knee/ankle issues. I used to bike much more frequently than I have the past few years and I always enjoyed it, but the added weight and joint issues have kept me from participating.  I could return to that but would most likely need to "graduate" to a recumbent bike due to my back and leg issues. Swimming is another healthy option. However, I am not a very good swimmer and I really dislike smelling of chlorine, not to mention how dry my skin gets and (gulp) the thought of putting a bathing suit on this out-of-shape body and being seen in public! I used to participate in a water exercise class and I really liked it, perhaps that would be a good place to start again, if my leg and knee can take the motion and jarring. If not, there is always Yoga - great exercises for the mind and body connections.

     My mother used to say that growing old was not all it was cracked up to be. "The golden years, aren't so golden". Aging is certainly not for sissys or the faint of heart. Sometimes one just has to set aside one's pride and take the plunge (no pun intended) and jump in with both feet. I have not felt as good as I could and should at this stage of my life. I haven't been as happy as I have been at times when I have taken better care of myself. I hope it is not too late to start over. It is time to start doing some research and focus on taking care of me - my body with physical exercise, my mind with learning new things, my soul. Since they are all connected perhaps if I start taking care of the one - the body - I will be better able to take care of the rest. It is also time to start accepting that I will never be as young as I was nor as old as I will be. The place to start is here, the time to start is now. 

Suddenly I See (KT Tunstall)

http://youtu.be/QrbO-Tw-mEY

(my apologies for the expletive - I didn't write it, I just used it ;-))

     

Somnambulism



I'm In A Hurry (Alabama)

http://youtu.be/CICwZ01bT3w

som·nam·bu·lism, n.

 - pronounced  - som-nam-byuh-liz-uh m, meaning: sleepwalking.


     I was first introduced to the term "somnambulism" in my Introduction to Communications Technologies class. I had never heard the term before then, but I have thought of it often since then in several different contexts. This time of year it bears asking the questions, "Do you suffer from somnambulism? Are you sleepwalking through life, especially during the busy holiday season?"

     I remember when I was a mother of young children how difficult it was on the days I didn't get enough sleep at night. It felt like I was literally sleepwalking through my days. In fact, lack of sleep is what I remember the most from those days. It was a challenge to maintain a positive attitude and be kind and loving when all I wanted to do was be able to sleep uninterrupted through the night. I still have some of that insomnia in this stage of my life, but that is for a different reason all together - though related (darned hormones).

     I have recently become aware of how much we figuratively sleepwalk through our lives. We often over schedule our time, or we feel such a deep sense of responsibility that we seem to going through life on autopilot.  Our society values business and equates it with productivity, and because of this it can lead us down the slippery slope to sleepwalking through our lives. I am not advocating laziness, but there is such a thing as too much busy-ness. So, how do you know when you are sleepwalking through your life?

    Here are a symptoms that I have noticed that would indicate one is sleepwalking through their life:

     1. Finding it difficult to relax when you have nothing on your agenda.
   
     2. Finding yourself sitting in front of a computer doing work for more than 8 hours a day, especially when you are no longer technically "at work".

     3. You can't remember what you ate for breakfast, lunch or dinner.

     4. You are so exhausted at the end of the day that all you want to do is go to bed.

     5. You lose your temper and snap at loved ones when all they want to do is be with you.

     6. You cry, a lot, and every day or, the tears lie just below the surface most of the time.

     7. You feel like you can never get caught up, there is always something looming on your "to do" list.

     8. You have a hard time feeling connected to a greater being, life force, or God. You feel alone.

     9. You feel like if you are asked to do one more thing you will explode.

    10. You don't remember the last time you felt anticipation for or joy about an event or project.

     These are just a few symptoms that would indicate you are suffering from somnambulism, I'm sure there are many more and that you could probably come up with additional ones to add to the list. Let me be clear that I am not an expert on how to manage somnambulism, but I would like to give a few suggestions from my own and others experiences, that I think can help:

   1. Take time each day to pray or meditate, preferably in the morning before you start your day. Connect with God and ask Him to guide your actions/choices for that day. Ask Him to help you determine what are the most important things that needs to be done, and to help you to let go of those lesser important ones.

   2. Read something uplifting at least once a day. I first read this idea in Steven R. Covey's book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and have incorporated it into my days. I find it helps to keep me focused on what matters most. It's a vital part of "sharpening the saw" (for you Covey fans out there).

   3. Connect with loved ones, preferably face-to-face. If you unable to be with loved ones then by all means a phone call or Skype is acceptable. I think we are too much connected via technology, so much so that we forget how to connect physically, face-to-face. There is something about seeing facial expressions and hearing voice fluctuations that makes us human.

    4. Do a good turn daily. I borrow this one from The Boy Scouts of America. If I am too busy to do something good or kind for someone on a daily basis, then I am too busy, period. It doesn't have to be a big thing, a simple smile for the grocery clerk can make their day!

     5. Slow down and do some deep breathing at least once a day, and if possible, include a 15 minute power nap. This forces you to "slow down and smell the roses", so to speak, and can really help with maintaining energy and staying focused on what matters most.

     6. Move. When I say move, I don't mean you have to spend hours at the gym (because who really has hours to spend at the gym anyway?) What I mean is to get at least 20 to 30 minutes of exercise 5 days a week. That's the minimum requirement, if you have time and energy to do more then go for it. I prefer yoga, walking or biking, but do what you love and what brings you joy.

     7. Keep a gratitude journal. When I write down at least 3 things for which I am grateful before I lay my head on the pillow at night, I find I am much happier and feel much less greedy or needy about what supposedly I don't have and I don't really need.  "All we have is all we need". This act forces me to review my day and what has happened in it; and, it helps me to see not only my blessings but also where I need to make changes.

     8. No "screens" an hour prior to bedtime. I ran across this and found it to be a brilliant suggestion! It is hard to get the mind to wind down and shut off if it continues to replay the latest adventure, drama, upsetting email or Facebook posting. Give yourself time to unwind and clear the head. And - shut off that cell phone before you go to bed! There are seriously few things that are so important they require you to be that connected 24-7! The brain needs some free space everyday, just to be able to process what has happened and categorize it to make some sense, and to regenerate more brain cells for tomorrow's adventures.

     9. And finally, give thanks to God for the privilege of living another day. Our life is a gift from God, what we do with this life is our gift to Him. As my friend says, "never complain about growing old, it is a privilege given to few". I like to do this before I fall asleep at night because I can then review how things went that day and ask for God to continue to watch over me and guide me life journey.

     These are some things that I find work for me that help me to have a better quality life and avoid sleepwalking through it. I'm sure if you took some time to think about it you could come up with some of your own. I know there are plenty of resources "out there" that can help to manage this syndrome, if we only had the time to find and read them. Hmmm, could we be suffering from somnambulism?

The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy) (Simon & Garfunkel)
http://youtu.be/TJBhdKrwTOc



"To Every Thing There is a Season"





“Fall. Stand. Learn. Adapt.”
― Mike Norton, Fighting For Redemption: Hangambiiki

Where Do I Go From Here? (England Dan and John Ford Coley)

http://youtu.be/sDdyA7Ka40Q

    Autumn seems to always make me very introspective and nostalgic. I have recently been re-reading through some of my handwritten journal entries for the past few years. It is interesting to read my thoughts and experiences from this side of them. When I am going through the events I feel like I just have to write to get the feelings out of me and on to the page. As I read them in retrospect, I see attitudes that I have miss-taken and some character weaknesses that need to be revised. That is one of the beauties of keeping a consistent journal, I can learn from my writings and understand where I need to adapt, and what course corrections I need to make along my life path.

    It's comforting and reassuring to know that I can adjust my patterns and thinking, I can change. I don't have to, nor do I want to, repeat the undesirable patterns. There have been times in my life when I have felt a little "lost" and a little unsure of where to go or what to do next. It seems that when I take the time to read through my journals I get a better sense of who I am, where I came from, and what direction I need to go next to become who I want to be. Some of my choices I am not proud of,  and those are the times that I beat myself up a little and feel ashamed; but they are also the times that make me want to change my course and learn from them, correct myself and not repeat the same mistakes.

     Other entries make me feel good about how I handled a particular situation which could have turned out really bad. The writing has kept me on an even keel and let me vent my frustrations and feelings in a "safe place", before I reacted and did something that I know I would have regretted later. I think sometimes we just need "someone" to "talk" to, someone to tell us we aren't "lost". My journal does that for me.

     When I am in a bad place in life it has helped me to reread about a time in my life when I was in a really good place. A time when I felt secure, confident, wise. When I reread what I wrote at those times and I take the time to pause and think about what my wiser self wrote, I am amazed that it came out of me! It motivates me, inspires me to keep going, and to once again try harder to get beyond whatever it is I am struggling with that is keeping me from being my best self.

     To me, life spirals in cycles. I think of our life cycles much like the seasons of the year, and they often correspond. Like the changing of the seasons, we have our time to be introspective. We have our time of  hibernation (or incubation?), to rest, renew, and regroup. We are still living, still growing (sometimes more than we know), even when we appear to be dormant. When the "season shifts" we are then better able to break forth and blossom, baffling the world with our brilliance! (Well, at least we hope so ;-)). "To every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven." (Ecclesiastes 3:1). I guess it's time to bring out the sweaters and turn on the heat....

"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."

[Albert Camus]

 

Lost (Michael Buble)

http://youtu.be/LFq3HIEucjs

The Awakening



King of Anything (Sara Bareilles)
http://youtu.be/RPk4_XfYhjg

The Awakening

(Author Unknown)

"A time comes in your life when you finally get it ....

When, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting, and crying or struggling to hold on.
And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change...or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.

You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tail endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are...and that's o.k. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...

And in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties...and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, and what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live; who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you own your parents, family and friends.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with...and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly o.k....and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve...and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone... and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR, itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in it's most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can."

If It's Not Love, Then Simply Let It Go



Let It Go (Words and Music by Michael McLean)
http://youtu.be/5vMOpFe9nU4

    I finally did something that was really hard, but I have known I have needed to do for some time. I wrote a letter to someone with whom I have been estranged for quite some time. I'm sure it will come as a shock to this person, but I had to do it for me. I had to do it so I could heal. It is someone with whom I have had a very complicated and sometimes volatile relationship in my life. I'm sure you can relate, because we all have them in our life. But what a relief, to finally be able to write what I have wanted to say for so many years but have been unable to express sincerely until now. The best thing about it was that I was able to write it out of a place of love and forgiveness.

   Love and forgiveness. The meaning behind these two words can be so complicated. Sometimes they are very difficult to use in the same sentence, especially when they relate to deep hurt, wounded lives and egos, innocent mistakes and innumerable moments of anger and frustration.   I am still working on being able to forgive past hurt and love beyond pain. So, what do I do about it? Well, like the song says, I have to learn to let some things go. Ruminating and rehashing over the events and situations won't change them, it just adds to the pain every time I choose to relive it in my mind. Every time I relive it, I become a "victim" over and over again. So, I have to choose to put my mind on something else, or do something else to get my mind off of whatever I am ruminating about because whatever I choose to "feed" will grow larger. "You can't change what has hurt you so, but you will heal if you can let it go". What exactly does "letting go" mean? This quote expresses it quite well:

Let Go...

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I don't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.

(Author Unknown)

"There's so much of life that can't be lived
    when you're still holding on to hurt and anger deep inside, let it go.
Letting go opens up the heart.
There is a new day hungry to start.
You can't change what has hurt you so,
   but you will heal if you can let it go.
All that's wrong in your life, let it go.
All that is worth saving is love.
Love will hold you tight.
Love lifts the burden and love shines the light.
Only love nourishes the soul.
If it's not love, simply let it go."
   

Holding On



“When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.”

– Franklin D. Roosevelt

Hold On, The Light Will Come
http://youtu.be/0OvPN1vtZos

     My mother used to say this quote by Franklin D. Roosevelt, and it has helped me "hold on" sometimes when I have literally felt like I was at the end of my rope (like about now). This past week was "one of those" weeks. It was full of demands and activities, all good things, but just very demanding and stressful on both my physical and mental capacity to endure. I am thankful to put that one behind me and to have a little down time for a few days.

     One of the activities that I participated in last week was the 170th anniversary of the organization of The Relief Society of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, an organization to which I have belonged since I turned 18 years old. It is the oldest women's organization in the world and among the membership are some of my greatest friends, heros and mentors. I am so privileged to be a part of this organization for women. I have had the priviledge to serve in some leadership positions in this organization over my adult lifetime. One such opportunity took place over 21 years ago in a small unit of the church in a small Georgia town, La Grange.

    I was 28 years old when I was asked to serve as president of the chapter of this organization in LaGrange, Georgia. At the time I had a son who was two years old, and I had just discovered I was expecting our second child, a daughter. I was overcome with feelings of inadequacy and fear when I was asked to serve in this capacity, mostly because I was so young and inexperienced as a young wife and mother and as a member of this organization. However, over the course of the next 19 months of service I learned that "with God all things are possible". I served with some wonderful ladies who are my "sisters" to this day, and who always will be so in my heart.

    The childhood saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is simply not true. This past week some things have happened and some words have been said that have caused me to question some events from my past and present, and to question my abilities and worth. I'm sure the words that were spoken were innocent in the view of the speaker (perhaps even said in jest in their mind), but they have had a effect on me. Perhaps I am just too sensitive, but I have been thinking much about what I have done in my life and with my life up to this point. It has caused me to re-evaluate some of what I thought were the most valuable and important events and experiences in my life so far.

    I value the act of remembering. One of the reasons that I keep such detailed journals is so that when times like this come (and they always seem to come back around) I can go back into my journals and re-read the entries to regain some perspective. However, this time I came upon an even greater gift that has helped me to re-adjust my perspective on these things. In 1991, while I was serving in the before mentioned capacity as Branch Relief Society President, my husband decided to return to college to pursue his Master's Degree. This meant that we would need to move closer to his school location and away from some of my dear friends and "sisters" in the LaGrange Branch. On the eve of our move, my dear friend, Lee Ann (who was also serving as my assistant at the time) put together a farewell event for me. She tape recorded some of the thoughts and messages that some of my dearest friends said to and about me that evening, and I have kept it these 21 years. This morning I dug that tape out and listened to it (and cried, of course). These dear friends may never know how much the words and thoughts that were said that night meant to me on this day of discouragement and doubt. These dear friends knew me, and know me, and it is through this sweet remembrance that I have come to remember and re-accquaint myself with me. The real me, the me before the criticisms, the disappointments, the doubts, the cynicism crept into my view of myself and my world. I will be forever grateful for this great blessing this morning and for these wonderful women and the influence they were, and still are, in my life.

    I don't know the future and what it will hold for me, but I do know that with God's help "all things are possible" and that He is to whom I will turn and on whom I will lean to help me rise above all of this strife. I don't know when, or even if, these trials will end, but I do know in whom I can trust. I am so thankful to have had this way to remember and recognize my truer self. I love these dear "Sisters in Zion" and will be forever thankful and blessed by my association with them in this life. So, thank you, Lee Ann, Chris, Amanda, Barbara, Emogene, Lee, Gaye, Claudia, Yvonne, Carol, Maren and so many others who have been such a wonderful part of my life. I love you - and I will rise!

“What lies behind us and what lies before us

are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. “

– attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson.

I Will Rise (Shawn McDonald)

http://youtu.be/SmyTB733Pi0

Only Kindness Matters

Hands (by Jewel)

http://youtu.be/lk0bKfC8XSE

     The past few weeks/months of my life have been, let's say, challenging. The have involved a serious illness in both me and my husband, being forgotten or criticized by those who I thought were my friends, some personal financial challenges, some extended family relationship challenges, and  the sudden death of a friend's husband - you get the picture. Not the most calm and peaceful time of my life.

    These challenges, and the circumstances that surround them, have brought home to me the importance of being kind, considerate and thoughtful of others; of loving and caring about others and what is going on in their lifes; and of being willing to serve and help one another during times of need while we are on this journey called life. All to often we get so caught up in the business of our lives and what we think is so important, that we fail to see the needs of others that might be right in front of our faces. We neglect the small, simple acts of kindness that come to mean so much to someone in their time of need.

     For example, a few years ago I was in a position of authority that I think made me more mindful of and sensitive to the needs of those individuals around me. One day, while I was going about my activites, I noticed one woman who looked a little sad and the thought came to me that there was something wrong. The timing wasn't right for me to talk to her at that time, so I decided later to give her a call and inquire as to how she was doing. We talked for a few minutes, she assured me that everything was "fine" (how many of us just say that so automatically - whether it's true or not). So, I went about doing my routine. A few days later I received a "thank you" note in the mail. In this note the individual whom I had telephoned told me that at the time that I called her she was contemplating her individual worth to God and to her family. She told me that because of that phone call she felt that it was God's way of telling her that she had worth and that she was loved. She felt that God knew who she was, what challenges she was dealing with and that someone really did care about her. Wow, I had know idea that a simple telephone call could make such a difference!

      This individual is the woman who's husband died suddenly.  I hope that by some chance she remembered that phone call, as well as other conversations that we have had over the years, and that they had made her feel loved enough that she felt able to trust me enough to call me during her time of crisis. It was a difficult thing to experience with her, but I am so honored that she felt comfortable enough with me, and trusted me enough, to dial my phone number and ask for my help. For me, that was the greatest compliment she could have ever given me.

     Since this time of crisis there have been individuals who have questioned as to why this woman called me instead of them. I wondered about it myself for a while, but I have always tried to be loving and kind to this woman. I have known about many of the challenges she has had over her lifetime, and I have tried not to be judgmental but rather have compassion and empathy for her and her situation - to simply love her. I think we have established a relationship of love and trust, and I hope that it can continue as she struggles to come to grips with life as a young widow/single parent.

     Every day I am faced with a choice. I can choose to be kind, loving, compassionate and helpful; or I can can choose to be angry, bitter and resentful of the behavior of those around me. I cannot choose how others will act toward me, but I can choose how I will act and react toward others. I choose love, "sweet love". "It's the only thing that there's just too little of". 

     "God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other in the kingdom." (President Spencer W. Kimball, "Small Acts of Service", Ensign, Dec. 1974).

What The World Needs Now is Love

(Jim Brickman and guests)

http://youtu.be/9ka0AEWXkE8

Childhood and Learning to Love Yourself

“You must love yourself before you love another.

 By accepting yourself and fully being what you are,

your simple presence can make others happy.”

 - Author Unknown -

Greatest Love of All (Whitney Houston)

http://youtu.be/IYzlVDlE72w

      (The loss of such a great artist as Whitney Houston, at such a young age, is such a tragedy. God bless Whitney Houston and her family. May she finally rest in peace.)

      This song, originally performed by Whitney Houston, is one that I have always loved. I think I love it because the words have resonated so much with me over the course of my life. I have always believed that "children are our future", that we should "teach them well and let them lead the way". That we should "show them all the beauty they possess inside" and "give them a sense of pride, to make it easier. Let the children's laughter remind us who we used to be."

     I think that much of my love for children comes from their ready love and acceptance of me. I think I also admire their untainted innocence and love of life. I have always enjoyed being in their presence, and feel priviledged when I had the opportunity to do so. I have wanted to instill in my own children (and sometimes in others) a sense of their value and worth to God and to the world. Some of this desire stems from my church work over the years with children, but I think that it also comes from the loss of three of my own as a result of miscarriages. Losing something that you love (or want to love) so much, certainly makes you appreciate it much more and makes it all that much more precious when you do have the blessing of receiving it. This is one of the primary reasons that I chose to be a stay-at-home mother. I didn't want anyone else to raise the children with whom I had been blessed. I have learned so much from each of my children, much more than what they have learned from me. I think of how sad it would have been if I had never had them. (And this is why I get so angry when I hear of or see parents who abuse their precious children).

    I learned in my Sociology class last year, and again recently, that young people are waiting longer to marry. I also learned that when they do choose to marry they are waiting a longer time to have children, if they have any at all; and that the number of children that they are choosing to have is much smaller than it used to be. I think this is a real tragedy. Children are such a blessing! They teach us so much about ourselves, they give us unconditional love, and they give us such a wonderful perspective on the world and our (and their) place in it. They help us to overcome our own selfish tendencies and force us (or should force us) to change and become better people. They teach us to put another individuals needs above our own. As we sacrifice our own wants to the fulfill the needs of others, it forces us to"grow up" and to look at the world from a different perspective, and usually that is a very good thing. It is a good thing not only for ourselves and our families, but for the world at large. We come to realize that it isn't "all about us", but that we are just a small part of the whole. What we contribute to the whole, whether via ourselves or our children, depends on how we choose to live our lives and how we choose to teach our children how to live their lives. Children believe everything their parents teach them (for good or for bad), so we must be careful as to how we act and what we teach them. Having children should cause us to take a good long look at how we live our lives and what we want to teach our children about how to live theirs.

     For me, learning to love myself has been a lifetime challenge. I grew up in a stable home with two loving parents and two siblings. Our family wasn't perfect, but for the most part I had what I needed and I felt loved. I didn't understand until I was married and raising my own children, what a blessing that was in my life. As I have gone through life and heard about the life experiences of my peers and others around me, I have truly come to appreciate what it means to be "born of goodly parents". My parents were very good at instilling a sense of pride, self-respect and self-confidence in me. I think that I knew at a young age that I was "of worth". I learned at a young age that I was valuable, not only as a child of God, but as a member of my family. When I would have the inevitable "differences of opinion" with my peers (and my siblings), my parents always tried to made me feel accepted, loved and safe. I was able to develop skills and talents because of their encouragement and support. I gained confidence in myself and in my ability to succeed and triumph through difficulties and challlenges because of these opportunities. I was given a strong sense of moral values (a sense of right and wrong), standards and integrity.  This came not only from my parents but also from other leaders and mentors in my childhood and adolescence. I have learned things through making my own mistakes in life that I wouldn't want my children to have to experience. Sometimes these mistakes have caused me to doubt my judgment, have clouded my thinking and have caused me to question my worth. I think that one of the greatest challenges that we have as adults is to learn to love ourselves in spite of our foibles and faults. Ultimately though, I have come to learn that what or who I will be is up to me. What my life will turn out to be is the result of my choices and my actions.

    I have always been a pretty independent person, sometimes to a fault. I have had to make choices and take a stand on issues that were sometimes less than popular among my peers. It is important to me that when I look in the mirror, I want to be able to look myself in the eye and like who I see looking back at me. Sometimes these choices have "led me to a lonely place" because they haven't always been the easy or popular way of doing things. Sometimes my motives for doing things have been misinterpreted or misunderstood. When these times have come, I have had to rely on the knowledge of the love of my God for me, the love of my family for me and, last but not least, the love and respect I have for myself to give me strength and to get me through.

    Truly, learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all - and I think that it will be a lifelong pursuit for me to be able to achieve it. It is something of which I have to remind myself on a daily basis. "You are loveable and capable". My mantra (thanks to Josh Groban) had become:  "Don't give up ... because you are loved."

You Are Loved (Josh Groban)

http://youtu.be/EGLSk3AVcUU

Live, Laugh and Trust Yourself

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live" (Goethe)

The Innocent Age (Dan Fogelberg)
http://youtu.be/uunU0Aoup_I

     I have recently been going through some photographs and trying to get them organized into albums. I think it started when my sister asked for some pictures of her as a young child. She told me that she didn't have very many pictures of her from her childhood, and she wondered if there were any in the slides that I had inherited. I found many, as that seemed to be the preferred method of record keeping for my father back in the day. I was able to scan some onto my computer and send them to her. It was fun to see her at that age, as I am the youngest and never remember her during those years. There were some of her laughing and playing, dancing and posing. I was amazed as the happiness and innocence I saw in her face.

     I also found a few pictures of a younger me in the slides. It was fun to scan those and see what I looked like so many years ago. As I looked into the eyes of that toothless 5 year old, I was hit by the innocence and pure joy that I saw in my face at that young age.  There were some of me with my two siblings by my sides, holding my hands. A favorite is of me mimicking my sister's pose, our brother by my side, with a shot of a great canyon opening up behind us. I continued to look through the photos, and it seems that as I got older the joy and innocence disappeared from my face and the pictures reflected more seriousness and forced smiles. I was the youngest of three children, with mother that had a rheumatic heart condition who underwent 5 open heart surgeries in my life time. I think that the weight of growing up with those challenges showed on my face at times.

      Then I started compiling some photographs of my husband from his babyhood through about age 19. I wanted to put together a photographic "This is Your Life" for him to be able to see what has happened over his lifetime as he is approaching his 50th birthday. What a cute baby and young child he was! So much energy and lust for life. He was so loving and solicitious of his younger siblings (he is the oldest in his family). And how sweetly he interacts with his mother. Is it any wonder why I love him? As I went through these photos I saw events that occurred in his life that I was not a part of because we met in his young adult years. I learned more about who he was, what he valued and what his family valued as I saw the interactions in these photos.

     Finally, I then went through some more photos of our life together that I have been meaning to scrapbook over these past many years. In these photos I found pictures of each of our children at various ages and stages of life. It brought back a flood of memories of what life was like when they were younger. I remembered how we interacted with each other and what fun we had back then! I wondered how they view their "growing up" years, now that most of them are grown up and on their own.

    I think it is so sad how we often lose the love for life and the simple joy that we carried with us when we were children, or even when we had young children. Of course we all have to grow up, but it saddens me to lose the innocence and trust in myself that I had so strong when I was a child. I seemed to really know who I was back then. We all seemed to know what we loved, where we belonged, what we wanted to do, what we wanted to be (or at least we thought we did). We didn't care much about what was going on around us, as long as we were safe, well fed and loved. Thoughts of things like wars, death, taxes, financial worries or relationship challenges were the farthest things from our thoughts back then.

     But, life goes one and we grow with it. It is nice to be able to look back and reminisce about those times. I like to think that it doesn't mean that there can't be happy, fun times now. I guess it's all in the way we choose to look at things and in the way we choose to live our life. It's about choices after all, isn't it? I think it's a matter of really knowing ourselves and not losing ourselves, our true selves, along the sometimes rocky roads of life. Sometimes it takes things like looking at old photographs - looking at where we have been - to see how far we have come. Deep down we still have elements of those children inside of us, it's just that now we are trapped in adult bodies. Can we still reclaim the joy and fun of life? I think we can if we chose to look for it. Perhaps if we had more simple, innocent fun more frequently there would be a lot less incidents of suicide in middle age!

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/43714272/ns/today-today_health/t/suicide-spikes-among-middle-aged-women/

     The best years don't have to be behind us. The best can be yet to come. I think a lot of it depends on our point of view and our attitude. As we learn to love ourselves again, we can be our own best friend. It's a matter of trusting ourselves to know what we need; to not being afraid to ask for it and/or go out and get it. We can choose to give up and give in to life, or we can choose to keep going - to look for and find the joy and the fun. Try new things, get out of our comfort zones and be more than we are now. Life doesn't have to end at 30 or 40 or 50 or whenever, as long as we don't give up. It gives new meaning to the term "enduring to the end". The future looks bright when you chose to look on the bright side of life (Thank you, Monty Python ;-)). As a good friend used to always say, "Happiness is a choice". Yes, I guess it really is.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (Monty Python - of course)
http://youtu.be/JrdEMERq8MA

To Think I Had It All, All The Time!

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." e.e. cummings

All The Time (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/PfA-yW_ErTo

Almost three years ago a returned to school after a twenty-three year hiatus. It was absolutely one of the most difficult things that I have ever pushed myself to do. As you can imagine, there were all sorts of reactions from those around me. Some were supportive, others not so much. So many people couldn't wrap their head around the fact that a middle-aged woman would return to college after such a long hiatus. "Why?" they would ask, "would you want to do that at this point in your life?" "Why not just stay with the status quo?" I had reached a point in my life when I knew that I needed to make an adjustment. I needed to grow, or I felt like I would just curl up and die. I saw a future with all of my children grown and on their own rapidly approaching. I wondered what I would do with all of the "free time" that would come as a result of their being gone and my having less responsibilities to them. It was a daunting future, and I was trying my best to determine what I really wanted to do with myself in that future. I thought a lot about what I used to like to do when I was younger (and single, I might add).  I have always enjoyed learning new things, and I was always a pretty good student. One of my passions has always been communications, so I determined that that would be a good field of study for me. A major in Communications was non-existent back in my day. The first class that I enrolled in at the University was "The History of Communication Technology". It sounded interesting and challenging, which it turned out to be.

One of the most difficult parts of my return to school after so long was the feeling that I just didn't fit in there. I was much older than the majority of the students in my classes. I received quite a few stares and some shuns. Frankly, I was old enough to be most of their mothers! I also had two children of my own in the age range of these kids. I found that to be a great advantage as I could relate to what my fellow students were "into", because my own young adults were "into" it as well. My own children were able to help me get started and to become knowledgeable about the technologies that I now needed to be able to manage and handle in this new world. It was a very different world from what it was when I last attended college back in the '80's. Eventually, I met a few students who could appreciate a "non-traditional" student in their midst.

But, by far the greatest challenge that I have had over these past 3 years is believing in myself and that I am able and capable of handling what is thrown at me. It is definately a different world from what it was way back when, but I have learned so much and grown in confidence and courage. I have discovered along the way that who I was in 1985, is not who I am today. Who I was and what I thought I wanted back then, isn't what I want to do or be now. I have changed so much over these past 25 years. It was a good place to begin, and it has been a process of self-discovery and growth. My current major has changed, and I am going in a different direction than I originally thought, but it feels right for me now. I just had to take that first step, which was definately the hardest, but I would do it all again to get to where I am now. "The first step back's the hardest, but those who've done it say, 'take it, take it, take it and thank God you're on your way'. Take the step and thank the Lord your finally on (your) way." (Michael McLean).

"Believe. Believe in yourself. Believe in the One who believes in you. All things are possible to she who believes."

Believe (Josh Groban)
http://youtu.be/VoZsS0zq1hs

Ghosts - Learning to let go of the past

Ghosts (Dan Fogelberg)

http://youtu.be/J1hGidVkigI

"Sometimes in the night I feel it
Near as my next breath and yet untouchable
Silently the past comes stealing like the taste of some forbidden sweet

Along the walls in shadowed rafters
Moving like a thought through haunted atmospheres
Muted cries and echoed laughter

Banished dreams that never sank in sleep
Lost in love and found in reason
Questions that the mind can find no answers for

Ghostly eyes conspire treason as they gather just outside the door
And every ghost that calls upon us brings another measure in the mystery
Death is there to keep us honest and constantly remind us we are free

Down the ancient corridors, through the gates of time
Run the ghosts of days that we've left behind
Down the ancient corridors, through the gates of time
Run the ghosts of dreams that we left behind

Sometimes in the night I feel it
Near as my next breath and yet untouchable
Silently the past comes stealing like the taste of some forbidden sweet

And every ghost that calls upon us brings another measure in the mystery
Death is there to keep us honest and constantly remind us we are free
Down the ancient corridors and through the gates of time

Run the ghosts of days that we've left behind
Down the ancient corridors and through the gates of time
Run the ghosts of dreams that we left behind"



Let's be honest, we all have "ghosts" in our lives. Past relationships, bad experiences, poor choices, mistakes - that come back to haunt us some days.  Memories of past mistakes, losses and grief, major paradiem shifts that felt more like a "life quake" than a mere "shift". So, how do you deal with them, make them manageable? Sometimes I've cried. Sometimes I've screamed. Sometimes I've prayed. Sometimes I've chosen to be angry.

But what I find that works the best for me is to forgive. At times it has felt so counterintuitive. I want to revive those "ghosts" and relive and rehash the events, mostly trying to just make some sense of what happened. The "how" the "why" the "what if". I've analyzed (probably over-analyzed and overthought, knowing me), and I've mentally flogged myself over and over again for being so naive and stupid. But what good does that do? It just reopens the wounds. Yes, the scars are there and always will be, but what good does "reopening the wounds" and reliving the past do? It means having to heal over again, and again and again? And who has the energy or the time for that?!

What I've learned through much anger, pain and suffering is that if I can see myself and others as human and fallable, I am better able to forgive myself (and others) and let go of the "ghosts" from my past. Mistakes were made, bad things happened, feelings were hurt and I can't undo the past. But, I can choose to not let what happened in the past dictate how I will decide to live the rest of my life. Reviving these "ghosts" from the past over and over just keeps me from enjoying the present and the future. It saps my energy, it hinders me from feeling happiness and joy, and it keeps me from fulfilling my fullest potential.  Jesus taught that we should "forgive those who trespass against us". He taught that we should "love thy neighbor as thyself", not instead of thyself.   Isn't that what the Atonement of Jesus Christ was for? To let Him handle what we can't (and don't need to anymore?) "We are free" to choose. Forgive self, forgive others who knowingly (and sometimes unknowingly) have hurt us, or hold on to the pain and anger and continue to be victimized, to be miserable and to make those around us equally miserable.

"If you keep carry that anger it'll eat you up inside.... I've been trying to get down to The Heart of the Matter because the flesh will get weak and the ashes seem to scatter. So I'm thinking about forgiveness, forgiveness, even if you don't love me."

The Heart of the Matter (Don Henley)

http://youtu.be/ncF6q3QeltU