Reality Check: Notes from a Younger Self

Reality Check: Notes from a Younger Self

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Somewhere (Barbra Streisand/Josh Groban)
http://youtu.be/aPgqeVROE_4

I have recently been re-reading some notes and quotes I copied. They were taken from readings of wise authors over the years.  I wanted to keep them safely in one spot so as to be able to reference them when I needed to. I started keeping these notes in a spiral-bound journal that I started in December of 2000, when I was having a mid-life crisis of sorts. I was looking for meaning, joy and happiness that I did not seem to be able to find in my day to day life at that time. I started searching for some answers to the bigger questions in my life, and as a result I started reading some great books written by some very wise people. Marianne Williamson, Cheryl Richardson, Sarah Ferguson - The Duchess of York, Sarah Ban Breathnach, to name a few. One of those quotes by "wise people" turned out to be mine!

I wrote an entry titled "Reality Check". It was a list I compiled for myself to read so as to be able to face some realities in my life that I was not wanting to face and deal with. After re-reading this I think I want to share it here for my own children to read someday, when they have to face the realities of their own life. Perhaps by putting it here it will give them the courage to face their own fears and realities. Maybe they will better understand me and the way I saw things back then, too. I have changed much over the past 17 years (life has a way of doing that to you) but the wisdom is still relevant and timeless.

Reality Check

September 1, 2001

 - I'll never be 20 years old again. I'll never be 30 or 35 or 40 years old again.

- I'm never going to weigh 130 lbs again, but now I exercise to feel better and stay healthy, not just to lose weight.

 - I'm never going to be able to live by my parents again in this life. Mom's gone. Dad won't live forever (he passed away in 2005). Time to "get a life" here." It's not about where you live, but how you live.

 - It's time to start "living in the moment" and enjoying who I am, where I am, and what I have/do. "Enjoy life, this is not a dress rehearsal."

 - We are never going to have enough money to be able to do all I would like to do, so do what we can, when we can, where we can and be grateful we can!

 - I won't be (fill in the blank)  forever, so do your best now so you have no regrets when the release comes, and endure to the end.

 - Don't fear the future callings, they are in the Lord's hands. "Always follow faith and never fear".

 - My children are growing up and away. Hopefully to someday be capable, responsible adults. Enjoy them while you still can.

 - Life holds no guarantees, just miracles and blessings for those open to receive and perceive them.

 - Don't quit!

What a blessing that I wrote this down! As I look back I can see the wisdom in living these words. Maybe I would add one more...

- Life is short, buy the shoes! ;-)

Who I Was Born to Be

"You either walk inside your story and own it

or you stand outside your story and

hustle for your worthiness." 

- Brene Brown

Who I Was Born to Be (Susan Boyle w/lyrics)
http://youtu.be/mhXYHRS5aDo

       My thoughts have been wandering as I approach another birthday, and they have led me to this particular song. As a child I loved to sing. I would often stand on my front porch and watch the birds flying among the trees and try to imitate their songs, thinking I was somehow talking to them. I would stand there and sing songs. Some of these songs were familiar, but often they were of my own creation. I would sing about whatever I felt like. Music has always touched me in a special place inside of my soul, a place that feels intimately mine and very safe. Music has saved my sanity and, quite possibly, my life at times.

     I have been on a journey of self-discovery over the past few years. I have learned a lot about myself on this journey, most recently (with the help of a good therapist) the realization that I have a "highly sensitive personality". I had no idea there even was such a thing until my therapist recommended I read the book, The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron. As I read through this book, lights and bells and whistles began going off; it was one "aha' moment followed by another! It was me that she was writing about. I have always felt different than most people I have known in my life, but I never understood why. I always thought it was something wrong with me, so I have tried to change me to try to better fit in with those around me. It never worked, and I always came away feeling disappointed, lost and inadequate. As it turns out, I have a minority personality type (only about 20% of the population manifest this type of personality). No wonder I have always felt different and like I didn't belong in this world!

     Upon further exploration, I have also connected the dots with Brene Brown's, Power of Vulnerability, and Carol Tuttle's, Type 2 - soft, subtle energy profile (more on this in later blogs) I am beginning to see myself so much more clearly now - what motivates me, what cripples me and where and why I need to set clear and definite boundaries. I am still the same person I have always been, but now I am finally understanding why I am the way I am, and that it is o.k. to be that way - that is "who I am was born to be". I may not have found all of the answers, but at least I now know more than I ever have and I feel very liberated. I understand that I truly am not like everyone else, and that it is o.k. not to be. I am enough and I am okay just the way I am. I am who Heavenly Father made me to be. He created me this way, and I am trying my best to fulfill the measure of that creation to the best of my ability. I have always understood that not everyone will always like me or understand why I do what I do, but I have gifts that this world is in desperate need of, such as a large capacity to love, kindness, gentleness, patience, empathy, and peacefulness. I have also learned that this personality trait runs in families (much like "the force" in Star Wars). My father had it (I suspect his mother had it), my daughter has it (and my son too, I believe, though it tends to be harder for guys to manifest because of the world's view of masculinity). It is not something of which to be ashamed, it is something to be embraced and celebrated!

    I feel like I am finally coming out of a very dark place. For so long I felt like Winnie the Pooh with that little black rain cloud always following me (or maybe more like Eeyore "thanks for noticing me").  I feel empowered and more confident because I now know who I am and who I am meant to be, and that it is good, in fact, great to be that person! I truly am unique (something I have always wanted to be). I am special. I am me...and I am enough.

"Because true belonging only happens 

when we present our authentic, 

imperfect selves to the world.

Our sense of belonging 

can never be greater 

than our level of self-acceptance." 

- Brene Brown, The Gift of Imperfection

I Love You Just the Way You Are (Billy Joel)
http://youtu.be/vBZnGk1nAjw

Making It Work

Along the Road (Dan Fogelberg)
http://youtu.be/ywx6CIw3RIA

    Last night my husband and I were discussing love and life, and how both have changed over the years of our marriage. Our empty nest has necessitated some renegotiating of some areas of our life together. We have been reading the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman together and discussing some of the questions at the end of the book. It has given us a great opportunity to talk about some things that we have really needed to talk about for years, but just never had time to with the busyness of life with children at home. The discussions have brought back some memories and feelings, sometimes difficult ones, about the different times and events in our life together.

    One of the things that Gary Chapman brings up in Chapter 3 of the book is the difference between the euphoric feelings of  "falling in love" and "real love" (which usually naturally shifts at about two years into a marriage relationship). He states:

"....During the in-love stage, we felt all of those emotions. It was heavenly while it lasted. Our mistake was in thinking it would last forever.
     But that obsession was not meant to last forever. In the textbook of marriage, it is but the introduction. The heart of the book is rational, volitional love. That is the kind of love to which the sages have always called us. It is intentional.
     That is good news to the married couple who have lost all of their 'in love' feelings. If love is a choice, then they have the capacity to love after the 'in love' obsession has died and they have returned to the real world. That kind of love begins with an attitude -a way of thinking. Love is the attitude that says, 'I am married to you, and I choose to look out for your interests.' Then the one who chooses to love will find appropriate ways to express that decision."

    My husband and I were both blessed with examples of stable marriages in our parent's marriages. we learned much by watching our own parent's navigate their marriages. They also went through some definite challenges in their lives and in their marriages, but they also worked through the challenges and negotiated and re-negotiated the relationship to "make it work". Giving up was simply not an option.

      Let me make it clear that I do not advocate staying in any kind of an abusive relationship or situation. It does take each individual working at it to "make it work". Some things and situations are out of one's control, but I fear that too often couples give up too soon on their relationships. As with anything in life, the real growth comes with some growing pains. Sometimes it takes sacrifice and overcoming our own selfish tendencies - putting the partnership's interest first - to make a relationship work.

   I have learned that real love, like real happiness, is a choice. We have had good times and we have had some really difficult times in our marriage. As we have recently reminisced about the various times and situations in our lives we can see where both of us have had to make a conscious decision to "make it work". As we have learned to work through our differences, we have grown individually and as a couple.  By "making it work" I have had to learn to decide what is worth fighting or worrying about, and what is simply "chaff" that can be blown away by the wind. I think that one of the things that has made our marriage work is the level of commitment that we have toward each other and toward making our marriage work - no matter what. We both take our marriage covenants seriously and know that it needs to be a priority in our lives.  It has not always been easy, but it has always been worth it.

    I think that one of the greatest challenges, for me, is in finding the balance between meeting my own needs and the needs of others - including the ones I love. I am still learning this and trying to figure it out, and I probably will be for the rest of my life - and beyond. I am very grateful that we are still both willing to try and we are still committed to "making it work". That is the real blessing.
   
Somewhere Down the Road (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/p7vP6iAX4dw

In the Arms of the Angels



"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way...."

- Charles Dickens 

(The opening paragraph from A Tale of Two Cities)

Remember When It Rained (Josh Groban)
http://youtu.be/FvWnHAhKX6E

     I awoke this morning with several thoughts running through my head. As another Mother's Day approaches my thoughts turn to my own experiences as a Mother. This has been one of the most challenging aspects of my life in many ways. To quote Charles Dickens, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...."

     I have three beautiful children, and now two wonderful "children-in-law", that bless and grace my life  in wonderful ways and for which I am very thankful. However, as I have mentioned in a previous blog, I am also the mother of three other children whom I never seen or to known.  I experienced three miscarriages during my childbearing years, and thoughts of them are never far from my consciousness this time of year. I am a mother to them as well, and a piece of my heart still aches and longs for them. Each loss was painful and devastating in it's own way, but I learned some very valuable life-changing lessons through the experiences of losing those three children.

     The first thing that I learned is that each life is precious. Before I miscarried my first baby I never really thought about how fragile and fleeting a human life can be. When I found out I was expecting our second child I was a bit overwhelmed with thoughts of number two on the way, but I was also excited. Our first child would be about 22 months old when number 2 came along. I thought that was close in age, but manageable. However, I had a feeling inside of my heart that something was not right with this pregnancy. When I began to bleed at 11 weeks into the pregnancy the realization that something could (and eventually did) go wrong smacked me in the face. I had never thought it would happen to me. This miscarriage occurred around a Mother's Day and ever since then this holiday brings this memory back to my consciousness. My husband and I had made plans to have a large number of children, and until that moment the thought that I might not be able to do so had never, ever entered my mind. I lost a type of innocence and a dream was soon shattered when the reality of the situation hit me full force. Within a week I went from expecting to suddenly not expecting any more, and it was quite a shock to both my physical body and my mental and emotional health. No answers, little support, just a lot of questions and a lot of pain. I was numb for months afterward. Mother's Day was a painful blur and while well meaning friends tried to comfort me, I found that time,  prayer and journaling was what helped me the heal the most.

     The second thing I learned is that each child is an individual being. Each of my pregnancies was as individual as each one of my children are now. I think that because of the losses I have endured, I have tried to make a better effort at being the best mother I could be to the children that I do have. Part of this process has been coming to understand and value each one of my children as the individual personalities that they are. I have tried to never compare my children to each other, but to help them see their individuality and develop their own interests and talents. Each child is a precious human being with God-given gifts and abilities, and I felt it was one of my jobs as their mother to help them find and develop these. As much as possible I allowed my children to try new things, learn new things and make their own choices and decisions. I have tried to help them see the consequences of what some of their choices might be. I have tried to support them in their positive interests, and steer them away from what I see are potential hazards and problems. As their parent, I was willing to sacrifice whatever it took to be available for them as they needed. I have discovered that sacrifice and support are two very important elements of parenting. My needs and wants sometimes had to be put on the back burner in order to make sure that my children's needs were met. Sometimes the sacrifices were not appreciated, but they were well worth it.

      The third thing I learned is that there are many ways to "mother". After my third and final miscarriage, I found myself wondering if I would ever be able to experience being a biological mother again. The physical, emotional and mental turmoil I had been through had taken a heavy toll. After much pondering and prayer I felt that I was done having my own biological children, but I wondered how I was going to handle having the dream of a large family taken from me. I cried, I prayed, I searched, and then God blessed me with an opportunity that has blessed my life in many ways. He, through his faithful and worthy servants, called me to serve in the children's organization in our church. These experiences and opportunities helped me to see that I could be a mother to many children besides my own. I discovered that there are many ways to mother, and one of them was to be sure that other people's children were learning what they needed in order to progress and become who God meant for them to be. I found that by serving in the Primary Organization of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I could have an impact, however small, on other of God's beautiful and precious children. I could be the "mother of many children" after all! I could have an impact on other people's children by how I taught, treated and loved them. This opportunity to serve in that capacity blessed my life then, and continues to bless my life now, as I see "my children" grow up and make good choices and decisions. I also still share some wonderful friendships with others with whom I served during those years in the Stake Primary that continue to bless my life.

      These are three of the things that stand out in my mind when I think about what I have learned as a mother. I'm sure there are many more, but this is all I will share here. Mothering is the hardest work that I have ever been asked to do, but it has also been the most rewarding "job" of my life. Three of "my children" are with the angels now who are caring for them, but I look forward to someday being able to be a mother to them that I was not able to be in this mortal life. I have come to understand that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ all things will be made right someday. I believe that a part of that, for me, will be to have the opportunity to raise the children that I lost in mortality.  But, for now, they are in the arms of the angels and I "find some comfort there".

Angel (Sarah McLachlin)

http://youtu.be/jVbkz_3lO3c

The Gift I Gave Myself

“Life is God's gift to man,

what we do with that life is our gift to God.”

Simple Gifts (Jim Brickman)
http://youtu.be/VyfNVVou878

     I recently ran across this writing I did almost 12 years go. I had "hit the wall" and knew that something in my life needed to change because what I was doing wasn't working well. It was the beginning of a long and arduous journey to a more abundant life.  This year has been one with many challenges but also many blessings, especially my working with the Family Support Group. This experience has been such a great blessing to my life and has been one of the most significant steps I have taken along . . .

My Path to Simple Abundance

December 25, 2000

What am I doing with my life? What are the aspirations of my heart my dreams, wishes, desires. So long I've put them on the shelf, tabled to a time later in my life a less hectic time, a calmer time, a time of fewer demands. In doing so I have found I spend so much time rushing from here to there, for this or that, that my life is empty – void of the dreams, wishes and desires that make life worth living.  I am in search of the peace, comfort and joy I know is out there somewhere ever elusive. The Scriptures tell us that “man is that he might have joy” (2 Nephi 2:25) and ”I am come that they might have joy, and that they might have it more abundantly” (John 10:10). This is the gift I have received this Christmas -- this and the book Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach, from my friend, Sheila.

                As I ponder my dreams and aspirations a few things come to my mind:

     *To find daily peace and satisfaction in what I am doing right now, at this moment in my life.

     *To not feel the need to please everyone more than or instead of myself.

     *To feel and be happy and not be afraid to share those feelings with those around me.

     *To not worry about what others say, think or do -- or how it might affect me.

     *To freely give of my time, talents, and means without feeling worried or concerned or put out by doing so.

     *To be able to say no to things I don't really want to do or have time to do, and not feel guilty for doing so.

     *To feel joy and satisfaction in loving and serving my family and friends.

     *To appreciate and feel appreciated.

     *To use and share my creative abilities and talents. 

     *To begin or restart a long-shelved hobby or talent.

     *To not fear but have enough faith and trust in God and myself to know that “everything will work together for good”.

     *To see the good, feel good, be good -- in spite of what goes on around me.

     *To love deeply and totally, without reservation.

     *To relax and enjoy the ride of life more.

     *God has given me so much; to be able to share more freely what He has given me.

     *To some day return to school and pursue that elusive bachelor’s degree.

     *To put into practice, the gospel of Jesus Christ, and see that it does work and it does bring abundance and happiness.

     *To learn how to handle the stresses of my life -- to control them, not let them control me.

     *To discover a new talent I have, but I didn't know I had.

     *To be aware of the needs of my children, my husband, and how to meet those needs to the best of my ability and feel good about doing it.

     *To have sufficient for our needs so I don't have to worry about money, especially in November and December.

     *To be better organized -- especially on my desk and the clutter in the dining room.

     *To feel more in control of my life and my emotions.  Take better care of myself physically and emotionally and mentally.

     *Learn how to meditate and relax.

     *Be more patient with myself and others.

     *To be the daughter of God I am meant to be.

      *To feel the Christmas spirit before December 25.

          This is the start of my path to simple abundance, this is where I begin.

     While I don't feel like I am completely "there" yet, as I read this I am amazed at what remarkable progress I feel I have made along this path. I am so thankful that I took the time to clarify my thoughts and to write them down for my future reference. "A goal unwritten is merely a wish", and it brings a deep sense of satisfaction to see the progress I have made along my path. Reviewing this list also helps to clarify where I still need to do some work. I think that this year I will repeat this exercise and write down some new dreams and aspirations to work toward, since I can now cross some of these items off of the list. As Socrates once said, "An unexamined life is not worth living", and I couldn't agree more. With God, nothing is impossible, so I will put my hand in His and together we will move onward and upward.

Put Your Hand In the Hand

 http://youtu.be/hxh_EDrL_uE

Simple Things, Great Gifts



“Think of what a better world it would be if we had cookies and milk about three o’clock every afternoon, and then lay down on our blankets for a nap.”

 – Barbara Jordan, United States Congresswoman

Simple Things (Jim Brickman, featuring Rebecca Lynn Howard)

http://youtu.be/YcUKvmqUCek

     I have been thinking a lot lately about "simple things". I think this is because of all of the chaos and upheaval I have been experiencing in my personal life these days. Last week I experienced the great pain and chaos (and 5+ hours in E.R.) of having a small kidney stone. Who knew that a 6 mm x 3 mm rock could wreak such havoc? If you have ever had one, I'm sure you can "feel my pain".  It amazes me how much pain and chaos this small stone has caused both in my physical body and in the world around me. It has totally disrupted my life for a week and wreaked havoc on my system. 

   But, if I look at this situation and turn it around and look at the "small and simple things" that bring joy into my life, my perspective changes. Sometime ago I made a "joy list" and saved it on my computer. I have revisited and revised it a little. I am glad I did this exercise so that, at times like these, I can go to it and remind myself that "all is not lost" and "this too shall pass" (pun intended ;-)). I can still have joy, in spite of the pain, if I choose to look at it from a different point of view.

 

My Joy List

1. Beautiful flowers and gardens

2. Beautiful music

3. Beautiful artwork (anything Thomas Kinkade)

4. Good chocolate

5. Time with family

6. Feeling the love of God through the Spirit

7. Helping others to feel the Spirit through learning, teaching and serving

8. Sunshine

9. The cat purring while sitting on my lap 

10. Holding my husband's hand

11. Autumn Leaves on the trees

12. Scented candles

     As much as I am able I am trying to surround myself with these simple things, trying to maintain some sort of balance between the positive and the negative to help me experience some joy in my life right now. 

   I think back to when my children were young, and we had less committments, money and time, yet we seemed to take great delight in the small and simple things of life. We enjoyed going on walks, playing games together, building with blocks, doing puzzles together, playing dolls, snacking on milk and cookies and naps. They were busy days, but simpler times. These seemingly small and simple things were the building blocks of good relationships. They promoted the secure foundation that my children needed in order to someday go out on their own and build their own lives with courage and confidence. As this quote states:

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."  ~Robert Brault

Simple Gifts (Yo Yo Ma and Alison Kraus)

http://youtu.be/fYi9Vr8bHJY

"To Every Thing There is a Season"





“Fall. Stand. Learn. Adapt.”
― Mike Norton, Fighting For Redemption: Hangambiiki

Where Do I Go From Here? (England Dan and John Ford Coley)

http://youtu.be/sDdyA7Ka40Q

    Autumn seems to always make me very introspective and nostalgic. I have recently been re-reading through some of my handwritten journal entries for the past few years. It is interesting to read my thoughts and experiences from this side of them. When I am going through the events I feel like I just have to write to get the feelings out of me and on to the page. As I read them in retrospect, I see attitudes that I have miss-taken and some character weaknesses that need to be revised. That is one of the beauties of keeping a consistent journal, I can learn from my writings and understand where I need to adapt, and what course corrections I need to make along my life path.

    It's comforting and reassuring to know that I can adjust my patterns and thinking, I can change. I don't have to, nor do I want to, repeat the undesirable patterns. There have been times in my life when I have felt a little "lost" and a little unsure of where to go or what to do next. It seems that when I take the time to read through my journals I get a better sense of who I am, where I came from, and what direction I need to go next to become who I want to be. Some of my choices I am not proud of,  and those are the times that I beat myself up a little and feel ashamed; but they are also the times that make me want to change my course and learn from them, correct myself and not repeat the same mistakes.

     Other entries make me feel good about how I handled a particular situation which could have turned out really bad. The writing has kept me on an even keel and let me vent my frustrations and feelings in a "safe place", before I reacted and did something that I know I would have regretted later. I think sometimes we just need "someone" to "talk" to, someone to tell us we aren't "lost". My journal does that for me.

     When I am in a bad place in life it has helped me to reread about a time in my life when I was in a really good place. A time when I felt secure, confident, wise. When I reread what I wrote at those times and I take the time to pause and think about what my wiser self wrote, I am amazed that it came out of me! It motivates me, inspires me to keep going, and to once again try harder to get beyond whatever it is I am struggling with that is keeping me from being my best self.

     To me, life spirals in cycles. I think of our life cycles much like the seasons of the year, and they often correspond. Like the changing of the seasons, we have our time to be introspective. We have our time of  hibernation (or incubation?), to rest, renew, and regroup. We are still living, still growing (sometimes more than we know), even when we appear to be dormant. When the "season shifts" we are then better able to break forth and blossom, baffling the world with our brilliance! (Well, at least we hope so ;-)). "To every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven." (Ecclesiastes 3:1). I guess it's time to bring out the sweaters and turn on the heat....

"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."

[Albert Camus]

 

Lost (Michael Buble)

http://youtu.be/LFq3HIEucjs

"Speak to us of Children"

"And a woman who held a babe against

her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from

you,

And though they are with you yet they

belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not

your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not

their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even

in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek

not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries

with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path

of the infinite, and He bends you with His

might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand

be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

(From The Prophet by Kahil Gibran)

A Mother's Love (Jim Brickman and Mark Masri)

http://youtu.be/g-Z9sXqr44s

Let your light shine!

Hidden Away (Josh Groban)

http://youtu.be/IU1NuDyUKEo

Light a Candle for Hope in the New Year

On this new day in the New Year

I light a candle for harmony and transformation

so that past regrets, dissappointments and losses no longer consume me.

I light a candle for understanding and compassion for all of humankind

for those who love me and for those who do not.

I light a candle for healing and cleansing my mind, body and spirit

so that my past no longer hides the wondrous essence of who I am.

On this new day in the New Year

I light a candle for the insight to make wise decisions,

so that I can look to the future without regret.

I light a candle for the ability to confidently accomplish what is possible

and find the courage to accept whatever is beyond my control.

I light a candle for illumination to find my way through the darkness

and to light the way for others struggling in their own darkness.

On this new day of the New Year

I light a candle for all of my hopes, wishes and dreams

and my abiding faith in believing they will come true.

I light a candle for empowerment and kindness

so that my heart is filled with light, love and happiness.

I light a candle for determination and strength

so that I can proceed on my life's journey

in harmony and happiness with hope and a peaceful heart. 

     One of my favorite things is a candle. Not the artificial, LED type, but the 'real thing'. I admit, I am very picky about my candle scents. My family and friends know better than to give me a candle without my input for the scent. I enjoy the scents of the candles, but I also love the soft light that a candle emits. It is not the harsh light of a flourescent bulb or an incandescent light. It is a soft, calming glow. I enjoy watching the flame slowly flicker and burn. Each flame burns differently, individually, in it's own way. We could learn a lot from a candle flame. "In the darkness even one small candle burns like the sun". "Let your light shine....". Each bright flicker is an individual manifestation of the potential within the center, the wick, the soul of the candle. Burn freely, without limitation. Burn brightly, without fear. Burn true, without artificiality. Be a light, in a dark world. Bring a spirit of peace and calm, that all is right with the world. 

 "Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. (Matthew 5:15 KJV)."

     I love this quote by Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

(This inspiring quote by Marianne Williamson is from her book, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3 (Pg. 190-191)).



     So, as this new year begins my challenge to myself, and to you -should you choose to accept it - is to not be afraid to let my light shine. Shine bold, shine bright, shine on! Be who you were meant to be - no matter what or who might to try to snuff it out.  I will no longer keep it "hidden away". I will "let it shine".

"There's a light in the depths of your darkness
There's a calm at the eye of every storm
There's a light in the depths of your darkness
Let it shine...oh, let it shine
Let it shine...oh, let it shine
Let it shine...oh, let it shine
Let it shine"

There's a Place in This World for a Gambler (Dan Fogelberg)

http://youtu.be/BotaRcvpLuc

Hope

"Once you choose hope, anything's possible."  ~Christopher Reeve

I Cannot Find My Way (Michael McLean)
http://youtu.be/a41wPG6AqeI

Hope. It is a simple four letter word, but it has profound meaning and impact. Hope, like the bright star on that first Christmas night, brings light into our lives and gives us the desire to continue on. Hope gives us the desire to develop to our full potential; to "never stop improving" (as the Lowe's commercial ad encourages us). Hope guides us toward our ultimate destination. Hopelessness, it's opposite, leads us to despair and defeat. Those without hope usually feel they have nothing left to live for. Hopelessnes is usually the precurser to depression, despair, self-destruction and sometimes to suicide.

Did you know that:

Women attempt suicide three times as often as men.

The higher rate of attempted suicide in women is attributed to the elevated rate of mood disorders among females, such as major depression, dysthymia and seasonal affective disorder.

Although women attempt suicide more often, men complete suicide at a rate four times that of women.

More women than men report a history of attempted suicide, with a gender ratio of 2:1.

Firearms are now the leading method of suicide in women, as well as men.

Suicide is more common among women who are single, recently separated, divorced, or widowed.

The precipitating life events for women who attempt suicide tend to be interpersonal losses or crises in significant social or family relationships.

Many women who suffer from manic-depressive illness experience their first episode in the postpartum period.

Sixty percent to 80 percent of women experience transient depression, and 10 percent to 15 percent of women develop clinical depression during the postpartum period.

Between the mid-1950s and the late 1970s, the suicide rate among U.S. males aged 15-24 more than tripled (from 6.3 per 100,000 in 1955 to 21.3 in 1977). Among females aged 15-24, the rate more than doubled during this period (from 2.0 to 5.2). The youth suicide rate generally leveled off during the 1980s and early 1990s, and since the mid-1990s has been steadily decreasing.

The suicide rates for men rise with age, most significantly after age 65.

The rate of suicide in men 65+ is seven times that of females who are 65+.

The suicide rates for women peak between the ages of 45-54 years old, and again after age 75.

Women are more likely than men to have stronger social supports, to feel that their relationships are deterrents to suicide, and to seek psychiatric and medical intervention, which may contribute to their lower rate of completed suicide.

 (http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=04ECB949-C3D9-5FFA-DA9C65C381BAAEC0)

So, how do we find hope? What do we hope for? Why do we even care?

I had a friend who told me that he had once considered suicide. As he contemplated whether to take his own life or not, he determined that if he really had enough guts to commit suicide then he had enough guts to keep going and pull himself out of whatever it was that was making him feel suicidal; to change either himself or his circumstances for the better.

That's why we need hope. Hope leads to faith. Faith in ourselves, faith in a higher being, faith in our fellow men and women and hope for a better world. Faith leads to action and action leads to change. We don't always see the changes and the changes don't always come overnight. In fact, they usually come in miniscule amounts and take a long time to happen, but they do come. Hope and faith can lead to joy. Joy in coming to understand who we are, why we are here and what we can become as we strive to reach our fullest potential.

I have a wooden Christmas ornament in the shape of a star that hangs above my kitchen sink in front of my window. In the center of the star is a rotating circular cutout that contains the word "hope". Did you know that the star is the symbol of hope? Are you making the connection? On that Christmas night so long ago, when that bright star shone and lit the way for the shepherds and the wise men to find their way to the Christ Child, hope was born. Each year as we celebrate the Christmas season and remember the Christmas story, hope is born again; and with this hope we are better able to find our way through this mortal life.  As we follow the light of the star, with it's hopeful rays, we can eventually find our ultimate destination.  Because of hope we come to believe in and understand who we truly are and reach our full potential. Hope is the beginning of "be(ing) the change we want to see in the world" (Ghandi).

"Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." Mosiah 4:9 (The Book of Mormon)

"Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost." Romans 15:13 (Holy Bible, King James Version)

Hope Is Born Again (Jim Brickman and Point of Grace)
http://youtu.be/H_dXbubKSAo