Who I Was Born to Be

"You either walk inside your story and own it

or you stand outside your story and

hustle for your worthiness." 

- Brene Brown

Who I Was Born to Be (Susan Boyle w/lyrics)
http://youtu.be/mhXYHRS5aDo

       My thoughts have been wandering as I approach another birthday, and they have led me to this particular song. As a child I loved to sing. I would often stand on my front porch and watch the birds flying among the trees and try to imitate their songs, thinking I was somehow talking to them. I would stand there and sing songs. Some of these songs were familiar, but often they were of my own creation. I would sing about whatever I felt like. Music has always touched me in a special place inside of my soul, a place that feels intimately mine and very safe. Music has saved my sanity and, quite possibly, my life at times.

     I have been on a journey of self-discovery over the past few years. I have learned a lot about myself on this journey, most recently (with the help of a good therapist) the realization that I have a "highly sensitive personality". I had no idea there even was such a thing until my therapist recommended I read the book, The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron. As I read through this book, lights and bells and whistles began going off; it was one "aha' moment followed by another! It was me that she was writing about. I have always felt different than most people I have known in my life, but I never understood why. I always thought it was something wrong with me, so I have tried to change me to try to better fit in with those around me. It never worked, and I always came away feeling disappointed, lost and inadequate. As it turns out, I have a minority personality type (only about 20% of the population manifest this type of personality). No wonder I have always felt different and like I didn't belong in this world!

     Upon further exploration, I have also connected the dots with Brene Brown's, Power of Vulnerability, and Carol Tuttle's, Type 2 - soft, subtle energy profile (more on this in later blogs) I am beginning to see myself so much more clearly now - what motivates me, what cripples me and where and why I need to set clear and definite boundaries. I am still the same person I have always been, but now I am finally understanding why I am the way I am, and that it is o.k. to be that way - that is "who I am was born to be". I may not have found all of the answers, but at least I now know more than I ever have and I feel very liberated. I understand that I truly am not like everyone else, and that it is o.k. not to be. I am enough and I am okay just the way I am. I am who Heavenly Father made me to be. He created me this way, and I am trying my best to fulfill the measure of that creation to the best of my ability. I have always understood that not everyone will always like me or understand why I do what I do, but I have gifts that this world is in desperate need of, such as a large capacity to love, kindness, gentleness, patience, empathy, and peacefulness. I have also learned that this personality trait runs in families (much like "the force" in Star Wars). My father had it (I suspect his mother had it), my daughter has it (and my son too, I believe, though it tends to be harder for guys to manifest because of the world's view of masculinity). It is not something of which to be ashamed, it is something to be embraced and celebrated!

    I feel like I am finally coming out of a very dark place. For so long I felt like Winnie the Pooh with that little black rain cloud always following me (or maybe more like Eeyore "thanks for noticing me").  I feel empowered and more confident because I now know who I am and who I am meant to be, and that it is good, in fact, great to be that person! I truly am unique (something I have always wanted to be). I am special. I am me...and I am enough.

"Because true belonging only happens 

when we present our authentic, 

imperfect selves to the world.

Our sense of belonging 

can never be greater 

than our level of self-acceptance." 

- Brene Brown, The Gift of Imperfection

I Love You Just the Way You Are (Billy Joel)
http://youtu.be/vBZnGk1nAjw

I Haven't Got Time for the Pain

Don't think. Feel (Neil Diamond)
http://youtu.be/6QVmhdXnhlE

Lots of people think that it is wrong to cry when you are afraid, hurt or sad, or even when you are full of joy. Others frown on those whose laughter fills the room when they are experiencing great joy. I'm here to tell you that I believe that to be a "profoundly dangerous" myth.

I ran across a video clip the other day that resonated with me. It's message - The Power of Vulnerability - has now come into my sphere of consciousness several time over the past few weeks. I think it's trying to tell me something. (Here is the clip for those who want to view it: The Power of Vulnerability (Dr. Brene Brown)
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html).

Over the past few years of my life I have come to better understand this "power of vulnerability". One of the symptoms that all was not right in my world was my inability to really feel deeply. At some of the most emotional and meaningful moments of my life all I felt was numb and disconnected.  I felt that I was simply going through the motions of life and getting through what needed to be done. The reality of this fact really hit me at significant events in which I knew I didn't feel the way I was supposed to feel. Over the process of time and understanding, I have come to realize that I had shut down my emotions and feelings.  I had felt such great pain and sorrow, that I became afraid to feel anything at all. I have found that in trying to "guard and protect my heart" from pain, I am also protecting it from feeling peace, love and joy.  Life is meant to be lived and felt.

Frankly, the past few years of my life have been quite the roller coaster ride of emotions. I became overloaded and therefore, I became afraid to feel anything anymore - good or bad. I did not want to be vulnerable to any more pain, but as a result I was also not able to feel much joy or happiness. I think that one reason I shut down emotionally was because I hadn't had enough time to, nor did I completely know how to, process one life-altering event before another one came along. I felt like a sinking swimmer desperately trying to come up for air and getting hit with another wave. Wave, upon wave - and I was barely breathing.

As hard as the past year has been for me it has also been a relief for me to finally have had enough down time to be able to process a lot of what has happened in my life over these past years. It has been a year of healing both physically and emotionally. Due to my physical health and other circumstances, I have been forced to deal with things that I would really rather not have ever had to deal with.  It has been sad, and sometimes quite painful in spite of my best efforts to avoid it.  I have come to realize how much I missed out on feeling because I would not allow myself to be vulnerable. I have also come to realize that vulnerability is what makes us human, it is what makes life worth living. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of humanness!

So, now I am finding that when I am in a situation in which I think I should be feeling a certain way - either joy or sorrow - and I am not feeling that way that there is something very wrong. I think that as I continue to explore understand this power of vulnerability, I am healing some of the underlying wounds and lighting up some of the darker places in my life. I am finding that in the long run it is much better to allow myself to feel what I need to feel than to suppress it, because these feelings inevitably come back later- stronger and more persistently.  I understand that being vulnerable will mean feeling more pain in my life, and I need to prepare myself for that possibility. But, it also opens up the possibility of feeling great peace, joy and happiness that has too long been absent from my life - and has been sorely missed. Life comes up short when the journey seems long.

I Haven't Got Time for the Pain (Carly Simon)
http://youtu.be/E3_l5Ss203I