Reality Check: Notes from a Younger Self

Reality Check: Notes from a Younger Self

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Somewhere (Barbra Streisand/Josh Groban)
http://youtu.be/aPgqeVROE_4

I have recently been re-reading some notes and quotes I copied. They were taken from readings of wise authors over the years.  I wanted to keep them safely in one spot so as to be able to reference them when I needed to. I started keeping these notes in a spiral-bound journal that I started in December of 2000, when I was having a mid-life crisis of sorts. I was looking for meaning, joy and happiness that I did not seem to be able to find in my day to day life at that time. I started searching for some answers to the bigger questions in my life, and as a result I started reading some great books written by some very wise people. Marianne Williamson, Cheryl Richardson, Sarah Ferguson - The Duchess of York, Sarah Ban Breathnach, to name a few. One of those quotes by "wise people" turned out to be mine!

I wrote an entry titled "Reality Check". It was a list I compiled for myself to read so as to be able to face some realities in my life that I was not wanting to face and deal with. After re-reading this I think I want to share it here for my own children to read someday, when they have to face the realities of their own life. Perhaps by putting it here it will give them the courage to face their own fears and realities. Maybe they will better understand me and the way I saw things back then, too. I have changed much over the past 17 years (life has a way of doing that to you) but the wisdom is still relevant and timeless.

Reality Check

September 1, 2001

 - I'll never be 20 years old again. I'll never be 30 or 35 or 40 years old again.

- I'm never going to weigh 130 lbs again, but now I exercise to feel better and stay healthy, not just to lose weight.

 - I'm never going to be able to live by my parents again in this life. Mom's gone. Dad won't live forever (he passed away in 2005). Time to "get a life" here." It's not about where you live, but how you live.

 - It's time to start "living in the moment" and enjoying who I am, where I am, and what I have/do. "Enjoy life, this is not a dress rehearsal."

 - We are never going to have enough money to be able to do all I would like to do, so do what we can, when we can, where we can and be grateful we can!

 - I won't be (fill in the blank)  forever, so do your best now so you have no regrets when the release comes, and endure to the end.

 - Don't fear the future callings, they are in the Lord's hands. "Always follow faith and never fear".

 - My children are growing up and away. Hopefully to someday be capable, responsible adults. Enjoy them while you still can.

 - Life holds no guarantees, just miracles and blessings for those open to receive and perceive them.

 - Don't quit!

What a blessing that I wrote this down! As I look back I can see the wisdom in living these words. Maybe I would add one more...

- Life is short, buy the shoes! ;-)

Who I Was Born to Be

"You either walk inside your story and own it

or you stand outside your story and

hustle for your worthiness." 

- Brene Brown

Who I Was Born to Be (Susan Boyle w/lyrics)
http://youtu.be/mhXYHRS5aDo

       My thoughts have been wandering as I approach another birthday, and they have led me to this particular song. As a child I loved to sing. I would often stand on my front porch and watch the birds flying among the trees and try to imitate their songs, thinking I was somehow talking to them. I would stand there and sing songs. Some of these songs were familiar, but often they were of my own creation. I would sing about whatever I felt like. Music has always touched me in a special place inside of my soul, a place that feels intimately mine and very safe. Music has saved my sanity and, quite possibly, my life at times.

     I have been on a journey of self-discovery over the past few years. I have learned a lot about myself on this journey, most recently (with the help of a good therapist) the realization that I have a "highly sensitive personality". I had no idea there even was such a thing until my therapist recommended I read the book, The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron. As I read through this book, lights and bells and whistles began going off; it was one "aha' moment followed by another! It was me that she was writing about. I have always felt different than most people I have known in my life, but I never understood why. I always thought it was something wrong with me, so I have tried to change me to try to better fit in with those around me. It never worked, and I always came away feeling disappointed, lost and inadequate. As it turns out, I have a minority personality type (only about 20% of the population manifest this type of personality). No wonder I have always felt different and like I didn't belong in this world!

     Upon further exploration, I have also connected the dots with Brene Brown's, Power of Vulnerability, and Carol Tuttle's, Type 2 - soft, subtle energy profile (more on this in later blogs) I am beginning to see myself so much more clearly now - what motivates me, what cripples me and where and why I need to set clear and definite boundaries. I am still the same person I have always been, but now I am finally understanding why I am the way I am, and that it is o.k. to be that way - that is "who I am was born to be". I may not have found all of the answers, but at least I now know more than I ever have and I feel very liberated. I understand that I truly am not like everyone else, and that it is o.k. not to be. I am enough and I am okay just the way I am. I am who Heavenly Father made me to be. He created me this way, and I am trying my best to fulfill the measure of that creation to the best of my ability. I have always understood that not everyone will always like me or understand why I do what I do, but I have gifts that this world is in desperate need of, such as a large capacity to love, kindness, gentleness, patience, empathy, and peacefulness. I have also learned that this personality trait runs in families (much like "the force" in Star Wars). My father had it (I suspect his mother had it), my daughter has it (and my son too, I believe, though it tends to be harder for guys to manifest because of the world's view of masculinity). It is not something of which to be ashamed, it is something to be embraced and celebrated!

    I feel like I am finally coming out of a very dark place. For so long I felt like Winnie the Pooh with that little black rain cloud always following me (or maybe more like Eeyore "thanks for noticing me").  I feel empowered and more confident because I now know who I am and who I am meant to be, and that it is good, in fact, great to be that person! I truly am unique (something I have always wanted to be). I am special. I am me...and I am enough.

"Because true belonging only happens 

when we present our authentic, 

imperfect selves to the world.

Our sense of belonging 

can never be greater 

than our level of self-acceptance." 

- Brene Brown, The Gift of Imperfection

I Love You Just the Way You Are (Billy Joel)
http://youtu.be/vBZnGk1nAjw

Things Take Time

"There are two types of pain, one that hurts you and the other that changes you" - Unknown

Beautiful Heartbreak - Hilary Weeks - Every Step: http://youtu.be/xyX-I-um5Kk

I have finally returned to writing again, after a very difficult year.  My life journey over this past year has been one of trials, tears, fears, anxiety,  disappointments, heartache, loss, great joy and unexpected miracles. In short, it has been quite a roller coaster ride!  Extreme highs and extreme lows. Agony and ecstasy.  I feel I have lived through an entire lifetime in a year - at least I have experienced enough in one year to last a lifetime. I didn't know one person could go through so much turmoil in such a short period of time and still survive!

I have also learned the value of the phrase "things take time". Perhaps this is God's way of teaching and testing my patience. Certainly, it has tried it. I have had experiences over the past year that I never expected to ever have to go through in my lifetime. As I look back, I don't know why I never thought they would happen to me and my loved ones. I guess I lived in a type of a bubble, expecting only good things to happen in life, and not the bad. The "happily ever after" syndrome.  Pretty unrealistic. But, in spite of that fact, some of what could have turned out to be really bad turned out to be really good - even miraculous!

I have learned a lot about trusting God and His plan for me and my family over the last year. His plans are not always my plans. I have also learned  alot about God's plans for families, and that it is much bigger and much broader than I ever imagined! I have also learned that God strengthens us through difficulties and "saves" us in unexpected, but glorious ways. He compensates us for our losses. He carries us when we no longer have the strength to carry on. Truly, His grace IS amazing, and sufficient.

I have learned that I was capable of doing some really hard things. I learned how very much I love my family. I have learned that we can get through difficult times much better working together and supporting each other, than we could ever do alone. I have learned that God put this family together for a reason; that when we pull together and love and support each other, no matter what, God helps us get through the rough parts of life.

I would never want to relive this year again-ever. It has truly been "the worst of times and the best if times". But, I have learned this great lesson that, "if God brings you to it, He will lead you through it". We are NEVER alone in our trials in this life journey. We have a Father in Heaven who cares and is always there to hear, help and heal us; and He will make everything right -  if not today, then someday.

Jim Brickman: Amazing Grace: http://youtu.be/9mj_kO7LIFY

A Time To Be Released

A Time To Be Released

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

We May Never Pass This Way (Again) by Seals and C…: http://youtu.be/i3mp4dkm1fQ     

"Elder Neal A. Maxwell reminds us: “It should be clear to us with regard to various callings and assignments that just as soon as we are sustained and set apart the clock begins running toward the moment of our release. How vital it is to manage our time and talents wisely from the moment a task begin! Later, when we have devotedly invested much of ourselves in a particular calling or assignment (and especially when it has been satisfying and we have made a real difference), we may feel the release when it comes, but that, too, is part of our schooling as disciples. Being released gives us experience in patience and humility, as well as a fresh reminder of our replaceability” (The Neal A. Maxwell Quote Book [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1997], p. 52).

            At the time a call is made, there is inherent in the call the pending date for release. We usually are not given the exact day. It may not happen when expected, and it may not be easy when it does happen. It will usually come after we have formed close relationships, shared wonderful experiences, prayed together with associates in the work, and learned to serve and love. And we may think, Why couldn’t it have been just a little longer?

            My mind goes back to the time when President Gordon B. Hinckley informed Sister Patricia Holland that, after serving only two years in the Young Women general presidency, she was to be released. The prophet, of course, was aware of many other important things she was to do, but it seemed untimely to me. In response to our feelings, he counseled, “Don’t be sad that it hasn’t been longer. Be grateful that it happened at all.” We must not look back, but always forward. We must not live in the past, for there is work to be done….

Of course, there is a sense of loss anytime there is a change. You can’t give your heart and soul to a calling and then walk away with no feelings or attachments or concern. If you could, one might wonder about your level of devotion to the calling….

            However, it is important to remember and expect that inspiration and personal revelation will continue – not as they relate to a leader ... but as they belong to every (person) in the gospel….

            The hymn title “We Are All Enlisted” reminds us that whether we have an official call to a specific assignment or not, still we are called to listen to the Spirit. We must all take part in the great conflict that began with the war in heaven and continues to rage here on the earth. Membership in the Church is itself a call to leadership, a call to lead out in the cause of truth and righteousness….

            A release from a calling does not erase our identity with the Lord, nor does it remove any of the good that has been accomplished during the time and season of our service. That remains and often grows, like seeds lying in fertile soil that blossom years later. But it frequently falls to others to harvest the garden we have helped plant....

            ….We have the assurance that when we are called home there will be no question about our being recognized at the gate. The keeper of the gate will know us. Of that I am sure.

            Our callings and titles and positions are not intended to bring us glory, but to bring glory to God. Should we ever lose the importance of that true principle, let the lines from the following poem ring clear:

The Torch Bearer

The God of the High Endeavor

Gave me a torch to bear

I lifted it high above me

In the dark and murky air;

And straightway with loud hosannas

The crowd proclaimed its light

And followed me as I carried my torch

Through the starless night,

Till drunk with people’s praises

And mad with vanity

I forgot ‘twas the torch they followed

And fancied they followed me.

Then slowly my arm grew weary

Upholding the shining load

And my tired feet went stumbling

Over the dusty road

I fell with the torch beneath me.

In a moment the light was out.

When lo! From the throng a stripling

Sprang forth with a mighty shout,

Caught up the torch as it smoldered,

And lifted it high again,

Till fanned by the winds of heaven,
it fired the souls of men.

And as I lay in the darkness

The feet of the trampling crowd

Passed over and far beyond me,

Its paeans proclaimed aloud,

And I learned in the deepening twilight

This glorious verity,

“Tis the torch that the people follow,

Whoever the bearer may be.

(In Thomas Curtis Clark, comp., The Master of Men [Freeport, N.Y.: Books for Libraries Press, 1970], p. 205)

            We must pass the torch on. And when you do pass the torch on to another, and (he) carries the title you once had, you might ask (him)…, “be a little sensitive when you tell me rightly that things are better than they’ve ever been before.” This church will continue to move onward and upward.

            The time of a release is a time to feel, not emptiness, but the fullness of an abundant harvest. In the words of Luther Burbank: “Like the year at the end of summer, I pause now, toward the end of my allotted time, to glance backward and to gather my harvest of experience and growth and friendship and memory. And what has been my harvest of the years? As though they were the grains of the field, the fruits from the orchard and the flowers from the garden, bursting now with seed for another season, I seem to see three kinds of crops: the harvest of work accomplished and aims achieved, the harvested experience and lessons that have molded and impressed my life, and the harvest of dear friendships, happy memories. And the storehouse floor groans, and the walls bulge, and the shingles on the roof have to give a little to make room, for the harvest is rich and heavy and abundant.”

(Ardeth Greene Kapp, Lead, Guide and Walk Beside, Deseret Book, 1998, pgs. 169-175)

When October Goes - Barry Manilow: http://youtu.be/Reiqwbo4b7Q