Becoming You

"Sometime in your life you will go on a journey.

It will be the longest journey you have ever taken.

It is the journey to find yourself."

- Katherine Shay

Fly Away (Jim Brickman)

http://youtu.be/gqHIslGaEyY

     Did you know that in dream lore and mythology the butterfly is the symbol of the emergent soul?  The butterfly also represents flight, freedom, and creative thinking. The butterfly is also symbolic of resurrection and eternal life.

    The symbolism of the butterfly causes me to pause and think about it's life cycle. First, it is the catapillar, lazily climbing along and chewing away on the milkweed leaves seemingly unaware of why it is doing so, only that it is it's lifestyle. Gradually, after feeling somewhat satisfied, the catapillar attaches itself to a secure limb and begins to make it's cocoon.  This takes some time but then, when the cocoon is complete, it must wait and develop. It waits...and waits... and waits. (Have you ever wondered what it is doing inside of the cocoon? My theory is that it is doing the "internal work" that it needs to do to develop into a beautiful butterfly.) Finally, after what seems like much too long, it begins to break open it's cocoon and emerge. This also takes time, and occasionally the butterfly had to rest and recouperate before it can continue on. Eventually it fully emerges. Even then it must wait a while longer, until it's wings are dry. Finally, after all of that internal and external work, it spreads its beautiful, colorful wings and flys away. It is off to unknown adventures and unexplored territory, leaving behind only the shell of the cocoon from which it emerged.

     In ways I can relate this cycle to my own life.  I was just humming along in my life (eating the milkweed). I was relatively satisfied with my life and feeling pretty content. Then, the challenges came, and I had to "attach myself to the secure limb" of my faith and my family and all that was familiar and "safe" to me. I began to "make my cocoon" as I insulated myself and began to do some serious soul searching and self-examination, all the while holding fiercely onto what I knew to be solid and true.

      Next came the cocooning stage. Days turned into weeks, turned into months, turned into years of self-evaluation, life assessment, cross examination, goal setting and self-discovery. I journaled. I wrote my life story. I took classes  I counseled and I prayed. I read and researched. I cried and I screamed. Sometimes it has been hard and frightening and I have felt like I didn't know whether I would make it, whether I would ever survive the insular world in which I existed. 

     I am only now beginning to feel like I am starting to emerge from that cocoon, finally starting to discover what it means and feels like to be a "butterfly". There are definately moments that I have had to stop and rest along the way. Somedays it feels like "two steps forward and one step back". But the important thing is that I am getting there, one day at a time. I am making the effort to break free of my cocoon and moving toward eventually emerging as a beautiful butterfly with wonderfully georgeous and colorful "wings" that were created during that insular, cocoon stage.  "Wings" that will let me fly, and take me to adventures and places of which I have only dreamed!

    

         After learning about this symbolism I seem to have seen a butterfly at very opportune moments in my journey, moments when I especially needed encouragement, support and love. I have wondered if it isn't God's, and my mother's, way of saying "keep going, keep trying, I know where you have been, I know what you are going through, and I know what you can become - fly!!!!

- - - - -

"Don't worry about searching for the kind of person you want to be.

You will discover that as you pursue that journey you will not only find yourself,

but chances are you will be pleasantly surprised and proud of the person you find along the way."

 - Joseph B. Wirthlin

A Song to Sing



A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.”
― Maya Angelou

Unwritten (Natashia Bedingfield)
http://youtu.be/TtGY4G7II6s



      I have two tools that I use to help me "sing my song" of life. One of them is my life story, the other is my journal. I started writing my life story about six years ago, just after my father died. I was trying desperately to make some sense of what was happening in my life, both physically and emotionally. It was a very confusing and difficult time for me and I needed to feel grounded and get some sense of direction in my life. I decided that since both of my parents were gone there was really no one else who knew me and my life story better than me, and that I had better make a physical, written documentation of it. My mother and left a short autobiography before she died, but it was incomplete. My father left behind lots of documents and papers that I had to sort through and try to make sense of and piece together to come up with the story of his life (I was not happy about this). After that experience I vowed I would not leave the responsibility of telling "my story" to my children. So, I started writing my own autobiograpy and I continue to update it annually, usually in January, to keep it current. I want future generations to know who I am , what I did and what I value. I want them to know me. And, it helps me to reflect on my life - where I've been, where I am and where I am going.

     The other tool that I use is my journal. I have kept a journal since I was about twelve or thirteen years old. My early entrys were more like a daily log of my activities. I think that it has been since my parents died that I have been more diligent and detailed in my journal entries. It has become a sanctuary for me, a safe place where I can express my thoughts and feelings without fear, judgment or rejection. I love to write in my journal! It clears my mind of clutter and helps to organize my thoughts. It helps me to process issues that I am dealing with and helps me to clarify what course of action should be taken to resolve some worries or problems. I try to choose journals that "speak to me". I love to write in a journal that "says something" about my style or my preferences. I prefer bound journal books to spiral bound journals, and I love those that have inside pockets for momentos. I try to "free write" without any particular form and no judgments. I try to be sincere and write what is truly in my heart. I treasure these journals and enjoy going back and re-reading some of my entries. I have stored precious feelings and memories in them. I guess, in a way, they are an extension of who I am - the good, the bad and sometimes, the ugly. My hope is that some day my children and grandchildren may one day read them and come to know who I am. Perhaps some challenge that I have faced and resolved might help or inspire them through something in their life that they are experiencing. But for now, they are my source of self-discovery and peace. 

"Reaching for something in the distance 

so close you can almost taste it

release your inhibitions

feel the rain on your skin

no one else can feel it for you

only you can let it in

no one else

no one else

can speak the words on your lips

drench yourself in words unspoken

live your life with arms wide open

today is where your book begins

the rest is still unwritten."