"The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or impatient.
To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith.
Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches. Patience and faith.
One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach - waiting for a gift from the sea."
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh from Gifts from the Sea
Beautiful Heartbreak (Hilary Weeks)
Let's just say that patience is not one of my character strengths. It is a trait that I seem to continually have to revisit and relearn. Countless times during my life I have run up against life experiences that foster this trait. As a young women, I was one of the last of my peers to marry. We finally conceive our first child when I was unsure whether we would ever have the childbirth experience. I miscarried the second pregnancy. We conceive our second live birth, and she threatened to miscarry. After her safe arrival and time passed we tried again to conceive, only to have that pregnancy also end in a miscarriage. I questioned and I agonized as to why. Why did this keep happening? What was I doing wrong? What was wrong with me? Anyone who has ever miscarried a baby understands the emotional and physical pain and anquish that these experiences bring. All of the questions that one agonizes over when tragedy strikes or your expectations go unfulfilled. Then, a few years after the birth of our third child, I conceived again and once again I miscarried that baby. I felt that I had asked all of the questions, but received none of the answers. Finally, after that last miscarrige, I received my answer - the Rh Factor. My husband is Rh postive and I am Rh negative and our blood types don't mesh. More questions. Why didn't the doctors discover this information before my last two miscarriages? Why did the original lab technician mistype my blood? Why did I have to go through eleven years of questions and no answers? Why did I have to go through all of the pain and anguish of the three (possibly 4) miscarriages? What is the purpose for all of this suffering? Why me?
The answers have eventually come, "line upon line, and precept upon precept; here a little and there a little." God allowed these experiences to teach me to trust in Him and His plan for me. These experiences brought me to my knees many times. They forced me to ask the big questions and to seek for the answers. These experiences taught me to be grateful for what I did have, and to do the best I could to care for what I had been given. I have developed an empathy and compassion for others who have experienced or experiencing similar challenges. I have since seen the wisdom in the way God has unfolded the pathway of my life. I have three wonderful children with whom I have an unbreakable bond. First and foremost, I will always be a mother.
Other difficult life experiences have caused me to ask "the big questions". Experiences that I would have preferred not to have had. Multiple moves, the deaths of loved ones, the separation from family and friends, and now an impending knee surgery when I was just going to get started on a second career. I am trying to keep my eternal perspective about this amidst the fear and the awful stories that those who have experienced this type of surgery feel obligated to share with me (whether I want them to or not). This is not what I would have chosen for this time in my life journey. Just like the miscarriages, this is not what I wanted to have happen. I do not understand why now, why this? Especially when I have been working so hard and diligently to make future plans and move forward to build and fill what is left of my life here on this earth. Apparently, this is not in God's plan for me at this time, He has something else in mind.
One thing that I have come to understand is that God's timing is perfect. My plan is not always His plan. He has a reason and I, once again, am having to trust Him and His plan for me. If there is one thing that I hope I have learned over all of my years of unfulfilled expectations it is that even though it may not be what I want, God's plan is better and the growth that will come as a result of my experience will be just what I need to become what God needs for me to become. To think that we are "in charge" is just an illusion. I find it is so much better when I can surrender to God's will and go with the flow and not fight it. Peace and patience come as I learn to "let go and let God". I do not know where this path is leading me, but God does. I know Him, I trust Him and I know that with his grace and love, I will be able to endure another trial of my faith and patience. I can't help but wonder what "gifts" this experience will bring - time, reflection, healing. Only He knows, and for now this has to be sufficient for me.
I Will Follow God's Plan for Me
No comments:
Post a Comment