In the Arms of the Angels



"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way...."

- Charles Dickens 

(The opening paragraph from A Tale of Two Cities)

Remember When It Rained (Josh Groban)
http://youtu.be/FvWnHAhKX6E

     I awoke this morning with several thoughts running through my head. As another Mother's Day approaches my thoughts turn to my own experiences as a Mother. This has been one of the most challenging aspects of my life in many ways. To quote Charles Dickens, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...."

     I have three beautiful children, and now two wonderful "children-in-law", that bless and grace my life  in wonderful ways and for which I am very thankful. However, as I have mentioned in a previous blog, I am also the mother of three other children whom I never seen or to known.  I experienced three miscarriages during my childbearing years, and thoughts of them are never far from my consciousness this time of year. I am a mother to them as well, and a piece of my heart still aches and longs for them. Each loss was painful and devastating in it's own way, but I learned some very valuable life-changing lessons through the experiences of losing those three children.

     The first thing that I learned is that each life is precious. Before I miscarried my first baby I never really thought about how fragile and fleeting a human life can be. When I found out I was expecting our second child I was a bit overwhelmed with thoughts of number two on the way, but I was also excited. Our first child would be about 22 months old when number 2 came along. I thought that was close in age, but manageable. However, I had a feeling inside of my heart that something was not right with this pregnancy. When I began to bleed at 11 weeks into the pregnancy the realization that something could (and eventually did) go wrong smacked me in the face. I had never thought it would happen to me. This miscarriage occurred around a Mother's Day and ever since then this holiday brings this memory back to my consciousness. My husband and I had made plans to have a large number of children, and until that moment the thought that I might not be able to do so had never, ever entered my mind. I lost a type of innocence and a dream was soon shattered when the reality of the situation hit me full force. Within a week I went from expecting to suddenly not expecting any more, and it was quite a shock to both my physical body and my mental and emotional health. No answers, little support, just a lot of questions and a lot of pain. I was numb for months afterward. Mother's Day was a painful blur and while well meaning friends tried to comfort me, I found that time,  prayer and journaling was what helped me the heal the most.

     The second thing I learned is that each child is an individual being. Each of my pregnancies was as individual as each one of my children are now. I think that because of the losses I have endured, I have tried to make a better effort at being the best mother I could be to the children that I do have. Part of this process has been coming to understand and value each one of my children as the individual personalities that they are. I have tried to never compare my children to each other, but to help them see their individuality and develop their own interests and talents. Each child is a precious human being with God-given gifts and abilities, and I felt it was one of my jobs as their mother to help them find and develop these. As much as possible I allowed my children to try new things, learn new things and make their own choices and decisions. I have tried to help them see the consequences of what some of their choices might be. I have tried to support them in their positive interests, and steer them away from what I see are potential hazards and problems. As their parent, I was willing to sacrifice whatever it took to be available for them as they needed. I have discovered that sacrifice and support are two very important elements of parenting. My needs and wants sometimes had to be put on the back burner in order to make sure that my children's needs were met. Sometimes the sacrifices were not appreciated, but they were well worth it.

      The third thing I learned is that there are many ways to "mother". After my third and final miscarriage, I found myself wondering if I would ever be able to experience being a biological mother again. The physical, emotional and mental turmoil I had been through had taken a heavy toll. After much pondering and prayer I felt that I was done having my own biological children, but I wondered how I was going to handle having the dream of a large family taken from me. I cried, I prayed, I searched, and then God blessed me with an opportunity that has blessed my life in many ways. He, through his faithful and worthy servants, called me to serve in the children's organization in our church. These experiences and opportunities helped me to see that I could be a mother to many children besides my own. I discovered that there are many ways to mother, and one of them was to be sure that other people's children were learning what they needed in order to progress and become who God meant for them to be. I found that by serving in the Primary Organization of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I could have an impact, however small, on other of God's beautiful and precious children. I could be the "mother of many children" after all! I could have an impact on other people's children by how I taught, treated and loved them. This opportunity to serve in that capacity blessed my life then, and continues to bless my life now, as I see "my children" grow up and make good choices and decisions. I also still share some wonderful friendships with others with whom I served during those years in the Stake Primary that continue to bless my life.

      These are three of the things that stand out in my mind when I think about what I have learned as a mother. I'm sure there are many more, but this is all I will share here. Mothering is the hardest work that I have ever been asked to do, but it has also been the most rewarding "job" of my life. Three of "my children" are with the angels now who are caring for them, but I look forward to someday being able to be a mother to them that I was not able to be in this mortal life. I have come to understand that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ all things will be made right someday. I believe that a part of that, for me, will be to have the opportunity to raise the children that I lost in mortality.  But, for now, they are in the arms of the angels and I "find some comfort there".

Angel (Sarah McLachlin)

http://youtu.be/jVbkz_3lO3c