I'll Be Home for Christmas

"All hearts come home for Christmas"



I'll Be Home for Christmas (Bing Crosby)
http://youtu.be/EYOvd2PZoPU

Today is Christmas Day, and throughout this past Christmas season I have experienced some very tender moments and memories that have been shared by family and friends. I haven't lived in my childhood home for many years. In fact, I haven't been "home for Christmas" for most of my married life, as we have always lived away from our family and "home". Although this has been the case, "home" has always been in my heart at Christmas, and my heart has always been "home" during that time of the year.

This Christmas season one of my uncles passed away. Through the process of this I was in contact with three of my cousins that I shared my childhood with. One of my cousins commented about how much my aunt, the spouse of my uncle who passed way, missed my mother who died in 2001. Another cousin commented on how much she enjoyed my mother's infamous braided bread that she would make to share with friends and family over the Christmas holiday. The sharing of these moments brought a flood of memories to my mind of hand dipped chocolates, a multitude of Christmas cookies and, of course, the braided bread - all of which my mother so generously shared with loved ones. Sweet, tender memories. In reminiscing I could almost smell the scent of the bread baking, or taste the creamy and crunch peanut clusters (my favorite) and raisin clusters. Mother baked cookies by the dozens to share with guests and friends. Many of them ended up stored in containers that sat on our kitchen counter until at least the end of January! These are sweet memories that fill my thoughts of Christmases past.

This morning I awoke early and crept downstairs to sit in peace and quiet before the festivities of the day began. I was feeling homesick and lonesome for my parents, my childhood home and my own children who are far way on this day that is so much about home and family. I turned on the Christmas tree lights. I lit a few candles. I put in the fireplace DVD (since I don't have a real one, I have to improvise). I then sat in the chair in the living room, closed my eyes and reminisced.

I remembered the living room in my parent's home. Gold sculpted carpet, gold furniture (it was the 60's after all), a large picture window facing south. A large stone fireplace with a hearth and mantel that graced the east wall of the living room was always accented with a picture, a figurine or, at Christmas, a candle. On Christmas day a fire was always burning there so we could burn most of the gift wrapping. A large mirror usually hung above the mantel. Sometimes it held lighted Christmas bells, and sometimes it just reflected the warm glow of the lighted Christmas tree, which was usually located in front of the large picture window. Two gold chairs flanked the tree, one a rocker and the other a circular upholstered, cushioned chair. Across the room from the tree would sit a large round wooden table that had been hand crafted by my grandfather, a carpenter by trade. On the top of the table with it's hand tatted table cloth would sit my mother's antiqued gold nativity set. I can remember as a child helping my mother finish the set. I remember sitting and gazing at the set for hours as Christmas music, or just the noise that a family makes, played in the background. This nativity set now graces my own curio cabinet at Christmas. It is a precious family heirloom to me. Memories of days gone by, never to be experienced again. On one of the other walls of the living room, across from the fireplace, sat the piano. It was made of dark wood, a walnut finish. This instrument now also graces the wall of my living room, along with two end tables that once sat in the living room of my childhood home. As I closed my eyes I could picture each room in my childhood home. I could "see" the wall coverings, the carpets and floor coverings, the color of the walls and tile in the bathroom. I could hear the voices, smell the scents and feel the joy and love that was there, especially at this time of year. I remembered aunts and uncles stopping by to visit, and trips to visit grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on Christmas day. Sadly, my own children have had too few of these experiences in their own life. A sigh, a tear or two, and then I open my eyes and the images fade.

Perhaps it is because I am getting older, but certain experiences and memories have become more precious to me over time. I can never go "home" again for Christmas, but I can bring "home" back into my Christmas each year as I take the time to remember, to cherish and to share my precious childhood memories of Christmases past. This year the Christmas carol, "I'll be Home for Christmas" holds a special place in my heart. I received a gift from my daughter of a book and DVD by David McCullough that tells the story behind this song. I found out that it was originally recorded in 1943 by Bing Crosby, during the height of World War II. It was meant to bring comfort and reassurance to the troops who were serving overseas and away from home. My mother would have been twenty years old when it was popular. I can only imagine how much that song meant to the men and women who lived through those frightening and trying times. What comfort it would have brought to them then. No wonder it was a special carol to my mother, and now it is to me as well. What comfort it has brought to me this year, though it has brought a tear or two as well.

Sometimes I think about my heavenly home. I think that the aching and longing that I feel  at times for the companionship of loved ones long since passed is a type of homesickness. I believe that I once lived in a heavenly home with my heavenly parents and family before I came into mortality. At times I can't help but wonder why it has to be so hard here. Sometimes the challenges and difficulties of this mortal world just seem to be too much for me to take any more and I long to just "go home". I think that this home would be a place where I can experience unconditional love and acceptance. A place of peace, joy and harmony and no more fear, sorrow or pain. At times I think Heavenly Father allows us glimpses of what life in our Heavenly home must be like.  These glimpses come in tender moments in- and sometimes tender memories of  - our earthly homes. I think that in heaven it will be that way all the time, not just occasionally.  I look forward to returning to that home again someday.

At Christmas when I reminisce of loved one long gone, I try to remember that they are "home" for Christmas and what a joy that is for them. Even as I miss them, I like to think that maybe they are missing me a little bit too.  My heart will always be "home for Christmas, if only in my dreams."

Heirlooms (Amy Grant)
http://youtu.be/4E7bc149Xe0

On Growing Up

 "If you can't accept anything on faith,

 then you are doomed to a life dominated by doubt"

- Santa Claus (Richard Atttenborough) in Miracle on 34th Street (1994)

Where are you Christmas? (Faith Hill from The Grinch)
http://youtu.be/qR2WYVWI65M

      One of the great disappointments of life is "outgrowing" Christmas. I don't mean the real reason that we celebrate Christmas, the birth of Jesus Christ. I mean the Santa Claus excitement part of Christmas. It comes on at just about the age of Cindy Lou Who in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". At some point in life, we have to face the reality that Santa Claus is a mythological figure. I remember how sad and disppointed I was when the reality of this set in. I struggled a little to find the real purpose of why the myth even existed. Was everyone just lying? As I thought about it, I came to realize and believe that there truly is a "Santa Claus".

    To believe in Santa Claus is to believe that we have the ability to overcome our own selfish tendencies and think of the needs of others more than ourselves. Isn't that one of the reasons for gift giving at Christmas? Isn't that what Santa Claus represents, unselfish and unconditional love? And why did the Wise Men bring Jesus such rare gifts? Most scholars agree that the gifts were symbolic. The gold symbolized Jesus’s kingship, frankincense His divinity, and myrrh His suffering and death, since myrrh was a substance used to perfume dead bodies before burial. ^{8  ("We Three Kings" by Wendy Kenney, New Era, December 2009).}And, what about the life and death of Jesus Christ? He gave each of us the gift of the example of the unselfish life He lived, and the unconditional love that He gave to us when He took our sins upon Him and gave His life so that we could be saved and live again?

  I remember that Christmas so many years ago when I found out the reality about Santa Claus. I remember the paradigm shift that took place inside of me as I adjusted my reasoning that Christmas was really about the birth of Christ. I remember the reverent and warm feelings that came into my heart as I sat staring at the nativity set in my mother's living room, thinking about The Christmas Story. The realization that this was what Christmas was really all about hit me. The presents were nice and fun to give and to receive. But, like in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", even if there were no presents there would still be Christmas because Christmas is more than just "ribbons, boxes and bows".

   Many people choose to think that the stories of Jesus Christ in the Bible and other scriptures are just that, stories. Many just see him as a great prophet or a good person. But the birth of that baby in Bethlehem so long ago was sooo much more than that. The birth of that child changed everything, it changed the world. It changed how I look at the world, and it changed my hopes for a better world to come.  It changed how I choose to live my life in this world and how I hope others choose to live theirs.

     As our own children came along, we chose to carry on the myth of Santa Claus, often teasing them that if they stopped believing then he stopped delivering presents. But, along with Santa we chose to emphasize the real reason for the season, to impress upon our children the birth, life and mission of Jesus Christ. We knew that some day they too would have to face the reality that Santa Claus is a myth. They, too, would have to decide that Jesus Christ is real and that His birth story is the real reason for the season. Jesus Christ is a living part of what we choose to believe and what we choose to become as we live our lives in His way each day. As "Jesus saith unto him, I am the ^away, the ^btruth, and the life: no man ^ccometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 15:6).

     "We love Him, because He first loved us." (1 John 4:19). "When there is love in your heart and your mind, you will feel like Christmas all the time" (Where are you Christmas? - Faith Hill)

A Baby Changes Everything
http://youtu.be/NMj084Ggwww

Just in time: "Growth takes time".

"Growth takes time. When we nurture ourselves in healthy and respectful ways, we blossom and shine.
So be patient with yourself.
Everything is unfolding in the perfect way and in the perfect time."

By: Cheryl Richardson

Let Him In (Michaela McLean)
http://youtu.be/C3f6SXPYDAU

     I have been struggling with some health challenges the past two weeks. They have taken their toll on my emotional and mental health, as well as my physical health. I have had to realize that I need to slow down in my "growth" process, which for me means having to cancel a class that I had planned to take next semester and take some time off to regain my health.  I am not the most patient person, and I often I push myself and think I can and should do more than I really need to. In my stubbornness and over exhuberance I have, once again, "hit the wall - crashed and burned".  So, this has been a double whammy for me. Perhaps that is the lesson I am being asked to learn right now (again). The above quote about says it all. Growth does take time and we need to be patient with ourselves, especially when things don't go according to our plans.

     It hit me today that perhaps this lesson is coming now for another reason as well. I have been struggling with some depression about the Christmas holiday this year. For various reasons, my health condition among them, my expectations for the Christmas season will not be met. I think that this might be God's way of telling me that I need to slow down and take a look at what is really important right now. Stop, and take a look at what is the true meaning of Christmas. It isn't about all of the gifts that I feel I need to buy, wrap and send by a certain deadline. It isn't in the Christmas goodies that I won't be baking this year. It's not in all of the parties and the get togethers I won't be attending. Although this is all fun, it isn't really necessary to celebrate the simple birth of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

    I think that God is telling me I need to slow it down. I need to focus on the whole "reason for the season". I need to simplify and take the time I need to "nurture (myself) in healthy and respectful ways", in order that I can "blossom and shine". There is a reason that most animals go into hybernation for the winter. Every living thing needs some "down time" to rest and regroup, and I think that this is my time to do just that. For months (years?) I have been thinking, "if I can just get through this next ___________ (activity, test, chapter, event, whatever...), then I can take a rest". Reality is that this has been my wake up call that that isn't likely to happen any time soon unless I choose to make it happen. Sometimes I forget that just like any other living and breathing thing, growth takes time and sometimes some rest. The more I try to force it, the harder and slower it becomes. So, once again, I am being told the message that I keep getting over and over again   - "trust in and wait on the Lord" and "So be patient with yourself. Everything is unfolding in the perfect way and in the perfect time."

    In the meantime, and especially during this precious and most holy time of year, take time to let the true meaning of Christmas, the whole reason for the season, into your heart, mind and life. Don't fight it. Slow down, savor it, enjoy it, bask in it, let it come over you.  I really don't want to miss "my chance to share in their joy". "Nurture ourselves in healthy and respectful ways", heal your wounded body and soul. Then, when the time is right, you will have the strength to heal and try again.  So for now:

"Let Him In, let him in
Let the joy and hope begin.
Let him in, let him in
let the peace on earth begin.
And whether it be in your world today,
or a crowded Bethlehem inn.
Find a way,
make Him room,
let him in."

     Thanks for the reminder!

Do You Have Room? (Shawna Edwards)

http://youtu.be/jR7lo9ycKBA

Hope

"Once you choose hope, anything's possible."  ~Christopher Reeve

I Cannot Find My Way (Michael McLean)
http://youtu.be/a41wPG6AqeI

Hope. It is a simple four letter word, but it has profound meaning and impact. Hope, like the bright star on that first Christmas night, brings light into our lives and gives us the desire to continue on. Hope gives us the desire to develop to our full potential; to "never stop improving" (as the Lowe's commercial ad encourages us). Hope guides us toward our ultimate destination. Hopelessness, it's opposite, leads us to despair and defeat. Those without hope usually feel they have nothing left to live for. Hopelessnes is usually the precurser to depression, despair, self-destruction and sometimes to suicide.

Did you know that:

Women attempt suicide three times as often as men.

The higher rate of attempted suicide in women is attributed to the elevated rate of mood disorders among females, such as major depression, dysthymia and seasonal affective disorder.

Although women attempt suicide more often, men complete suicide at a rate four times that of women.

More women than men report a history of attempted suicide, with a gender ratio of 2:1.

Firearms are now the leading method of suicide in women, as well as men.

Suicide is more common among women who are single, recently separated, divorced, or widowed.

The precipitating life events for women who attempt suicide tend to be interpersonal losses or crises in significant social or family relationships.

Many women who suffer from manic-depressive illness experience their first episode in the postpartum period.

Sixty percent to 80 percent of women experience transient depression, and 10 percent to 15 percent of women develop clinical depression during the postpartum period.

Between the mid-1950s and the late 1970s, the suicide rate among U.S. males aged 15-24 more than tripled (from 6.3 per 100,000 in 1955 to 21.3 in 1977). Among females aged 15-24, the rate more than doubled during this period (from 2.0 to 5.2). The youth suicide rate generally leveled off during the 1980s and early 1990s, and since the mid-1990s has been steadily decreasing.

The suicide rates for men rise with age, most significantly after age 65.

The rate of suicide in men 65+ is seven times that of females who are 65+.

The suicide rates for women peak between the ages of 45-54 years old, and again after age 75.

Women are more likely than men to have stronger social supports, to feel that their relationships are deterrents to suicide, and to seek psychiatric and medical intervention, which may contribute to their lower rate of completed suicide.

 (http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=04ECB949-C3D9-5FFA-DA9C65C381BAAEC0)

So, how do we find hope? What do we hope for? Why do we even care?

I had a friend who told me that he had once considered suicide. As he contemplated whether to take his own life or not, he determined that if he really had enough guts to commit suicide then he had enough guts to keep going and pull himself out of whatever it was that was making him feel suicidal; to change either himself or his circumstances for the better.

That's why we need hope. Hope leads to faith. Faith in ourselves, faith in a higher being, faith in our fellow men and women and hope for a better world. Faith leads to action and action leads to change. We don't always see the changes and the changes don't always come overnight. In fact, they usually come in miniscule amounts and take a long time to happen, but they do come. Hope and faith can lead to joy. Joy in coming to understand who we are, why we are here and what we can become as we strive to reach our fullest potential.

I have a wooden Christmas ornament in the shape of a star that hangs above my kitchen sink in front of my window. In the center of the star is a rotating circular cutout that contains the word "hope". Did you know that the star is the symbol of hope? Are you making the connection? On that Christmas night so long ago, when that bright star shone and lit the way for the shepherds and the wise men to find their way to the Christ Child, hope was born. Each year as we celebrate the Christmas season and remember the Christmas story, hope is born again; and with this hope we are better able to find our way through this mortal life.  As we follow the light of the star, with it's hopeful rays, we can eventually find our ultimate destination.  Because of hope we come to believe in and understand who we truly are and reach our full potential. Hope is the beginning of "be(ing) the change we want to see in the world" (Ghandi).

"Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." Mosiah 4:9 (The Book of Mormon)

"Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost." Romans 15:13 (Holy Bible, King James Version)

Hope Is Born Again (Jim Brickman and Point of Grace)
http://youtu.be/H_dXbubKSAo

Homeless

"A house is made of bricks and stone,

A home is made of love alone"

    - Author Unknown

Homeless (Michael McLean)
(From: The Forgotten Carols)

Homeless, homeless
Like the Christ child was.
Homeless, homeless
But there is hope because
He came down to Earth to lead us,
He vowed he'd never leave us
Homeless, homeless,
For in His love there is a home.

Homeless, homeless,
was His humble birth.
Homeless, homeless,
and still He changed the Earth.
Nothing kept his heart from giving,
Though most of His life was living
Homeless, Homeless,
He showed it's how we live, not where.
When His homeless days on Earth were done
He went home to where we all came from.
And he went to prepare.
A mansion for us there.

He gave His whole life to lead us
And I know He'll never leave us
Homeless
For in His love there's a home.
We are not homeless.
There is a home.

  
      For a Christmas present my first Christmas away from "home", my mother sent me the Mormon Tabernacle Choir vassette tape of their album "I'll Be Home for Christmas" (no subliminal messages there, and yes, I'm dating myself ;-)). She knew how much I would be missing being "home" for Christmas that year. The first Christmas "home" to Utah after our move, I was introduced to this song by Michael Mclean. I instantly was enchanted by the words to this song. Particularly, because they could be related to such a variety of life experiences.

      I have relocated many times during my married life.  It has only been in the last 13 years of our almost 26 year marriage that we have lived in the same home. So, I know a little bit about relocating and feeling "homeless" at times. Usually these moves were meant to better our situation, either with a new job, further schooling or to change to a new environment. For a while we kept trying to find the "perfect location" where we could be happy. One day I finally came to realize that it's not about where you live, it's about how you live that matters most. Once I realized this, the moves stopped and the "real work" of building a joyful, happy life together really began. I don't know why it is that we always tend to look outside of ourselves to find the solutions to so many of our life challenges. We have a choice as to what we will focus on and how we will let it effect us. Some of the greatest growth comes as we learn to manage trials and find workable solutions, and still manage to be moderately happy.   Sometimes the answers are found in changing our current living situation, sometimes the answers are a matter of trusting God and His plan for us, and often the answers are found within each of us and how we choose to live our lives.

  Over the years this song had taken on new meanings for me. One Christmas that stands out in particular to me was the year after my father died.  Earlier in that year my sister and I had sold our childhood home. My son had just recently left home to serve a two-year mission for our church. I was missing him and feeling the losses through extreme loneliness. The words to this song had new meaning for me that Christmas. I realized that even though I no longer had my childhood home to return to, I wasn't really homeless. Christ never really had a home in his adult life, yet he managed to build a life of love and service that set an example that millions still follow today. Even though my son was away from home, living "as a stranger in a strange land", he wasn't homeless because he had the love of Our Heavenly Father and the example of His Son, Jesus Christ to guide him. I realized that even though I know longer had a "home" to return to, my parents had given me a firm foundation upon which to build and carry on my life.

     This year neither my son, nor my daughter will be able to be "home for Christmas" this year.  The past few years have brought a lot of changes to our family dynamics. Through it all I have I have learned that God knows us and our circumstances, that He loves us and will be there to help and guide us, and that "in His love there is a home" and so we are not truly ever "homeless". We may not be able to all be together physically for Christmas this year, but we will be together in our thoughts, our memories of Christmases past and in our hearts.  If "home is where the heart is" then the the heart is always home for Christmas.... "if only in [our] dreams".

I'll Be Home for Christmas (Michael Buble')
http://youtu.be/E4aA_K2MF5E

Welcome Home

"Where we love is home.

Home were our feet may leave,

but never our hearts."  - Author Unknown

Welcome Home (by Jim Brickman, Victoria Shaw)
(From his album: Home)

You're a sight for these poor eyes.
You're the deepest breath I've taken
in a long time.
And I saved you a place right next to me,
like always.
Did you know I watched the stars at night
Wondering if you could see them too,
And if everything was all right?
Not a day went by
when you weren't in this heart of mine
All the time, all the time.

Welcome home, welcome home.
I've been praying for this day
since you've been gone.
Welcome back to these arms.
And I've waited for you for so long,
Welcome home.

I've saved all the cards and your letters too.
Oh, they helped be through each day
when I was missing you.
Do you know how good your laugh sounds to me?
It makes everything feel just the way it's supposed to be.
I'm gonna hold this moment
like a picture that I freeze in my memory.
The sweetest memory.

Welcome home, welcome home.
I've been praying for this day
since you've been gone.
Welcome back to these arms.
And I've waited for you for so long.
Welcome home.

Welcome home, welcome home.
I've been praying for this day
since you've been gone.
Welcome back to these arms
that have been waiting for you for so long.
Welcome home, welcome home.

     Today my son and his wife are coming home for Thanksgiving break. They recently moved to Arlington, Virginia for a job and further schooling. We are so looking forward to seeing them, and having them home for a few days. Unfortunately, my daughter and her new husband won't be able to be home with us this year. We both have been struggling with her living so far away and being unable to visit as often as we would like to. She did have an opportunity to come home a few weeks ago for a short visit and we were able to enjoy our brief time together. Through all of this, I began to think about various times in my life when I have struggled with homesickness.

       I can remember when my husband and I had been married about 22 months. He had finished getting his Bachelor's Degree that Spring and was about to start his first "real" job. We had had to relocate to a place that was far away from much of anything that was familiar - home, family or friends. When I awoke on the morning of my first Thanksgiving away from home I remember praying, "God, just help me just get through this day".  As I stood looking out of the window of our new home into all of the unfamiliar surroundings, longing for home, I felt a comforting peace come over me. The only way I can describe it is as if a warm blanket has been placed around my heart. I knew I wasn't alone. I knew that there were those who loved me, who were missing me as much as I was missing them. I knew that my Heavenly Father knew how lonely I was, and how much I needed to feel His love for me in my heart that day. I needed to know that He knew what I was going through, and that He would be there to help me whenever I needed Him.

     Fast forward eighteen years, to Thanksgiving 2005. My father had just died a few days prior to Thanksgiving day, and I had flown home alone to attend to things there. Once again, I was far from home and feeling lonely and missing my family and friends. The funeral had been the day before, and I was spending this Thanksgiving day with my sister and her family. A friend of hers had invited us over to share their Thanksgiving meal. As I awoke that day my mind flashed back to that Thanksgiving day eighteen years earlier, when I had felt those feelings of peace and comfort in my heart as I looked out the kitchen window. Oh, how I needed those same feelings that Thanksgiving day - and they came. They came through the sharing and caring of this dear woman and her family; and, as my sister and I were able to reminisce about memories of Thanksgivings past.

     Now I stand at another Thanksgiving crossroad. I am thrilled to have my son coming home, but I am missing my daughter and she is missing home. Oh how I wish I could give to her what I felt in my heart on those two occasions. The peace and love of a caring family, who is missing her just as much as she is missing them. And, the love and comfort of a loving Heavenly Father who knows her circumstances, her feelings and her need to feel his loving arms around her. As much as we wish we could all be together for this Thanksgiving I know, and I hope she knows, that she is never truly alone and that "home" is only a prayer and a heartbeat away.

A note about the song below:

     I first came in contact with this Barry Manilow song the Christmas after my mother died. I waited to share it with my father due to the tender feelings we both had that first Christmas without mom. Three years later I recorded it and sent it to him to listen too, along with a card for what would have been their 50th wedding anniversary. I found this tape in his home, near his favorite chair, as we were cleaning out my childhood home. I like to think that he listened to it frequently and that it brought him some comfort in the lonely hours at home. I also believe that:

that someday when my time
is drawing near
I'm gonna hear

welcome home
welcome home
where there wil always be
somebody waiting
there for me
when I go home
home sweet home
everyone smilin' just for me
when I go home

Welcome Home (Barry Manilow, Mindy Sterling)
(from the album: Here at the Mayflower)

in my life
I have seen
far away places
wild and serene
but nothing I saw
prepared me for
the mat on the floor
saying "welcome home"

time flies
see the moon rise
as I'm makin' my way
through another long day
but I'll go
to a place I know
in my heart I know
there's just no place like home

welcome home
welcome home
to that place
that's safe and warm
always a shelter
from the storm
I'm going  home
welcome home
roll out the wlecome mat
for me?
I'm goin' home

sometimes
I remember
all the days I never knew
if I would ever make it through
but just when
I'd give up again
I'd remember when the days
were stormy
home was always
waitin 'for me
sayin

welcome home
welcome home
where there will always be
a welcoming light on
just for me
when I go home
welcome home
no place
that I would rather be
than goin' home

in my heart I know
that someday when my time
is drawing near
I'm gonna hear

welcome home
welcome home
where there will always be
somebody waiting
there for me
when I go home
home sweet home
everyone smilin' just for me
when I go home
in my heart I see
somebody waiting
there for me

welcome home
welcome home
it looks like a
starlight symphony
I'm goin' home

Be the Change

"You must be the change you want to see in the world."

Mahatma Gandhi Indian political and spiritual leader (1869 - 1948)

Thankful  by Josh Groban
http://youtu.be/yoygmylt2iM

Somedays we forget to look around us.
Somedays we can't see the joy that surrounds us.
So caught up inside ourselves.
We take when we should give.

So for tonight we pray for what we know can be.
And on this day we hope for what we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change.
And even though we all could still do more.
There's so much to be thankful for.

Look beyond ourselves there so much sorrow.
It's way too late to say "I'll cry tomorrow".
Each of us must find our truth.
It's so long overdue.

So for tonight we pray for what we know can be.
And everyday we hope for what we still can't see. 
It's up to us to be the change.
And even though we all could still do more.
There's so much to be thankful for.

Even with our differences there is a place were all connected.
Each of us can find each other's light.

So for tonight we pray for what we know can be.
And on this day we hope for what we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change.
And even though this world needs so much more.
There's so much to be thankful for.


     There is a philosophy that happiness is a byproduct of gratitude. You may have heard the saying "develop an attitude of gratitude". Perhaps too often we let "things" or "events" outside of ourselves determine our attitudes and views on life, and, therefore, we let them determine our happiness. I know that I have been guilty of  doing this. It's the old syndrome of (and we all do it) "when I get enough money, I'll be happy", or "when I meet Mr. Right and get married, then I'll be happy" or "when I buy that new car (or house or you fill in the blank _____) then I'll be happy". But what if those things never materialize? Or what if they do materialize and then are taken away in some twist of fate or misfortune? Do we let this devastate us and send us into an emotional tailspin?  This, I believe, is the true test of one's character. Can you be happy even without all of those "things"? Can you be happy even when things aren't going like you planned? "Happiness is a choice." And it is something that we must choose every minute of every day.

     I don't want to sound hypocritical, especially because those who know me know that I have my "Debbie Downer" days, sometimes more frequently than my "don't worry, be happy" days. Life is hard and messy, let's face it. But, do we have to let what happens around us determine what happens inside of us? Life isn't perfect, it isn't easy, but it isn't meant to be. Let me share an example to illustrate what I mean. When the Spanish conquistadors conquered the Inca population in ancient Mesoamerica they ravished them of all of their gold and preciouse metals, among other horrific things that they did to them. The Spanish then carried their bouty back to their homeland country of Spain. There they basked in the wealth and riches that they had obtained (stolen). They "ate, drank and were merry". They viewed themselves as conquerers of the savages, successful and powerful as one of the richest civilizations on the planet. However, that same gold later became their downfall. Why? Because they became complacent. They didn't have to "work" and the certainly didn't "want". They had more than enough for what they needed. This ease of life made them lazy, it made them stagnant, and it made their lives purposeless and meaningless (sound familiar?). They didn't have to struggle for anything because they seemingly had everything. They didn't have to be innovative or be creative in order to survive or to obtain their wealth or status, because they had everything they wanted right there in front of them. The rest of poorer Europe was having to create new technologies and innovations in order to move forward and get ahead. This effort lead to the invention of modern technologies and the Industrial Revolution! The eventual result of this was great wealth and power for Europe - eventually even more wealth and power than Spain. The Europeans moved forward, thy "grew", while Spain stagnated. And, what's more, the people of Europe had greater self-respect and dignity as a result of an honest day's pay for an honest day's labor. (Undoubtedly, there were abuses that went on during those times, but let's leave that for another discussion). The bottom line is that when things are too easy, we get lazy and complacent and we stagnate. If we don't move out of our comfort zones then we can't grow and can't reach our full potential. When we have to work for something, whether material, spiritual or emotional, we come to appreciate it more. We learn and grow and develop in new ways and in the process it builds our dignity, our self-esteem and our sense of self-worth.

     These past few weeks I have been conducting an experiment. Earlier this month I decided to take advantage of a challenge to start each day with a post to my Facebook of one thing that I am thankful for. It's called "30 Days of Thankful". I have noticed something. When I start my day thinking about one thing for which I am thankful, my focus changes. I have been less focused on the problems and challenges that I face or on what I don't have. I have been more focused on the ways I have been blessed and the opportunities and things that I do have. Sure, the problems and challenges haven't gone away (and in some cases have gotten bigger) but I have seen that to every dark cloud there truly is a silver lining - we just have to take the time to look for it. It's about what we choose to focus on. It truly is "up to us to be the change, and even though the world needs so much more, there's so much to be thankful for".

To Think I Had It All, All The Time!

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." e.e. cummings

All The Time (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/PfA-yW_ErTo

Almost three years ago a returned to school after a twenty-three year hiatus. It was absolutely one of the most difficult things that I have ever pushed myself to do. As you can imagine, there were all sorts of reactions from those around me. Some were supportive, others not so much. So many people couldn't wrap their head around the fact that a middle-aged woman would return to college after such a long hiatus. "Why?" they would ask, "would you want to do that at this point in your life?" "Why not just stay with the status quo?" I had reached a point in my life when I knew that I needed to make an adjustment. I needed to grow, or I felt like I would just curl up and die. I saw a future with all of my children grown and on their own rapidly approaching. I wondered what I would do with all of the "free time" that would come as a result of their being gone and my having less responsibilities to them. It was a daunting future, and I was trying my best to determine what I really wanted to do with myself in that future. I thought a lot about what I used to like to do when I was younger (and single, I might add).  I have always enjoyed learning new things, and I was always a pretty good student. One of my passions has always been communications, so I determined that that would be a good field of study for me. A major in Communications was non-existent back in my day. The first class that I enrolled in at the University was "The History of Communication Technology". It sounded interesting and challenging, which it turned out to be.

One of the most difficult parts of my return to school after so long was the feeling that I just didn't fit in there. I was much older than the majority of the students in my classes. I received quite a few stares and some shuns. Frankly, I was old enough to be most of their mothers! I also had two children of my own in the age range of these kids. I found that to be a great advantage as I could relate to what my fellow students were "into", because my own young adults were "into" it as well. My own children were able to help me get started and to become knowledgeable about the technologies that I now needed to be able to manage and handle in this new world. It was a very different world from what it was when I last attended college back in the '80's. Eventually, I met a few students who could appreciate a "non-traditional" student in their midst.

But, by far the greatest challenge that I have had over these past 3 years is believing in myself and that I am able and capable of handling what is thrown at me. It is definately a different world from what it was way back when, but I have learned so much and grown in confidence and courage. I have discovered along the way that who I was in 1985, is not who I am today. Who I was and what I thought I wanted back then, isn't what I want to do or be now. I have changed so much over these past 25 years. It was a good place to begin, and it has been a process of self-discovery and growth. My current major has changed, and I am going in a different direction than I originally thought, but it feels right for me now. I just had to take that first step, which was definately the hardest, but I would do it all again to get to where I am now. "The first step back's the hardest, but those who've done it say, 'take it, take it, take it and thank God you're on your way'. Take the step and thank the Lord your finally on (your) way." (Michael McLean).

"Believe. Believe in yourself. Believe in the One who believes in you. All things are possible to she who believes."

Believe (Josh Groban)
http://youtu.be/VoZsS0zq1hs

Learn To Be Still

"If, like Herod, we fill our lives with things,
and again with things;
if we consider ourselves so unimportant that
we must fill every moment of our lifes with action,
when will we have the time to make the long, slow journey
across the dessert as did the Magi?
Or sit and watch the stars as did the shepherds?
Or brood over the coming of the child as did Mary?
For each one of us, there is a desert to travel.
A star to discover.
And a being within ourselves to bring to life."

Author Unknown

Learn To Be Still (The Eagles)
http://youtu.be/gjBvxyEAyos

     It is about this time of year I usually find myself with way too many things on my plate and way too little time for everything - especially myself! I snap at my husband and my children. My house is a disaster. I grumble because I don't have enough. Enough help, enough time, enough money or enough resources to do it all - or at least what "everyone else" thinks I "should" be doing. You can imagine what a musician's life can be like at Christmas time! I'm a grouch and I make my life and the lives of those around me, miserable. About now I usually "hit the wall" and realize that I am over scheduled, over committed, over stressed, over tired and overwhelmed.

ENOUGH!

    This is when I need to stop, to be still, and to take some time to sit back and re-evaluate how I am spending my most valuable asset - my time. How can I simplify? Do I really need to spend my time and energy doing some of the things I am doing? Do I really need to bake those cookies or that dish for the potluck? Can't I just purchase them from already made from the grocery store? Who will care anyway?  Do I really have to chaperone that dance, accompany that song, or attend that party, even though everyone is "screaming" that they just "have to have me there". Really? What if I just say "no", won't that event go off without me? I have always been a "pleaser" and so I am especially susceptible and vulnerable to wanting to please everyone else on the list - except myself. I feel so guilty when I can't do everything everyone wants me to do. It's an illness. My name doesn't usually even appear on "the list", let alone at the top of it!

     Something that I am learning about myself is that I have to "learn to be still". If I don't take care of myself then who will? You know the old saying "if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy", well I find it applies in this case. I am the "heart of the home", so then it makes sense to put "Momma" back on the list - hopefully at the top of it. It's time for a little "joy" break, a little "extreme self-care" (as Cheryl Richardson calls it).   It becomes time to prioritize, eliminate, and/or "just say no". The holiday season is supposed to be a happy time for all, but it is hard to feel happy when you don't - even though you are "supposed to". If I am not feeling the "joy of the holiday season" - or the joy of living in general -then perhaps it might be time to "be still" and look into my heart and decide what it is that I really need and/or want, and what it is that I really don't! What will bring me joy? What won't, and if it doesn't then why am I doing it?

     I think that what I might just need is a silent night. A night without having to meet anyone else's demands but my own. Hmmm, maybe even a "spa" night. Well, this might just turn out to be the best gift I can give myself this year!

I Need a Silent Night (Amy Grant)
http://youtu.be/OowjEFrSWfs

Love is What I Believe In

"It is better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all"

Alfred Lord Tennyson

What We Believe In (Jim Brickman)
Covered by Cindi Hall
http://youtu.be/k0VDWg44HbE

      Today I had one of those moments. They don't come frequently (at least not for me), and they are so subtle that if I'm not paying attention it will pass by unnoticed. Let's just suffice it to say that we are not alone in the universe, and I was overcome with that knowledge today. There are those who exist in another sphere, not too far away, who are aware of us and our need to reconnect with them from time to time. Some people won't understand, but that doesn't change how things "really are". It kind of reminds me of what Luna Lovegood tells Harry Potter in The Order of the Phoenix, when only she and Harry can see the magical flying creatures that are taking the carriages to Hogwarts. The only ones who can see them are those who have seen and experienced great loss through death.

     I remember the one and only visit that my mother made to my current home in May of 2000. She was having some chest pains (she had a rheumatic heart condition, eventually dying of congestive heart failure), and she was taking nitroglycerin pills for the pains. She had a difficult time going up and down stairs and she was fatigued. She slept a lot during the visit. It had been a long and difficult car trip for my parents to make in order to bring us some much needed furniture for our "new" home. Somehow my father had loaded the furniture into the back of his 1980- something Ford pick up truck, and they had made the 2000-ish mile trek to our house over 3 days. We were so happy and thankful to see them when they came bearing these gifts, and so sad to see them leave when the time came for them to make the return voyage. It had always been difficult to say good-bye to them when we parted, but this time felt exceptionally difficult. So, I sat down at the piano and pulled out this music by Jim Brickman, "What We Believe In". As I played and sang along I knew that that might have been one of the last times I would see my mother alive. As it turned out I had the blessing of having two more opportunities for short visits while she was still alive and somewhat coherent. Thankfully, I was able to be with her the day before she died. Unfortunately, I was not so lucky with my father's passing.

     It had been a trying trip for them, so why did they make it? Because they loved us. We sacrifice and do things that we might not ordinarily do, or want to do, for those we love. Sometimes it can break your heart to love someone and have to leave them, or they have to be apart from you for some reason - a job, school, work, death. Believe me, "good-bye" is a word I've hated all my life* because I associate it with great pain and heartache! "Now love can break your heart when you say goodbye, but love is worth the pain, and all the tears we cry" because it really "is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." There's a line in the movie "The Other Side of the Mountain" in which Jill Kinmont says something like this about her fiance, Dick Buek, that died in a tragic accident. "How lucky I am to have found someone and something that saying goodbye to is so damned awful." So on days like today I realize just how much I miss them, and just I how lucky I was to have had them as my parents and that ---

"If love is what we believe in
I'll see you in Heaven's first bright star.
If seeing is believing,
I look into the sky and there you are,
you're not that far,
'cause love is what we believe in"

*to quote Barry Manilow - http://youtu.be/WxSjAOPVDl0
(then I and "go on and cry 'til (I) run dry - it's all right")

Facing the Pain

I Will Remember You
http://youtu.be/XQtAOuBjysc

"Facing the pain gives you a power that opens your heart in a new way and makes you appreciate the light - and helps you to understand that life is unimaginably precious." Pamela Allerdice

Last night I attended a Memorial Service sponsored by our local Hospice because both of my parents have passed away. My mother died in May of 2001, just a few days following Mother's Day. My father died in November of 2005, just a few days before Thanksgiving. As you can imagine, these two holidays hold special significance for me, but they can also be rather difficult to get through. I find that I have to allow myself "extra space" in my life during these times to be able to pause and reflect. I have to take some time to remember them and face some of the pain that comes after losing those you love. If I don't do this I find that the grief and pain find me, and the results are so much worse than if I choose to deal with it on my time and terms. My emotions run high and I am a little touchier than usual during these anniversaries. These are moments when I want to tell all of the other demands in my life to "leave me alone, can't you see I'm grieving"! But, those demands don't understand (for the most part) how it feels to grieve, to miss someone so badly that it physically hurts. The broken heart heals over, but the scars still remain. The days that lead up to the anniversary dates are always worse than the actual date. It's a relief when it finally gets here and I take the time to acknowledge what has happened, reflect and grieve, then take a moment to examine where I am now in my life and express gratitude for one more day. Life has been lonely without my parents. I am learning to appreciate my life now, to "bask in the richness of living". I am learning how to live without them here, still knowing that they will always be near. They gave me my life and a foundation from which to build my life. They gave me love and taught me how to love. They "gave me everything they had, they gave me light". So, I guess that the least I can do is pause to remember them on those anniversary dates; and, by doing so maybe they will remember me too - wherever they are. So here you go Mom and Dad, "This One's for You". (Note: my mother's favorite flower was a pink rose, and we were both Barry Manilow fans, so this video clip warms my heart.)

"Don't let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories".

This One's For You (Barry Manilow - which was written for his beloved grandfather, who gave him his start, after he passed away).

http://youtu.be/wLeNzA1OIcM

Healing Tears

Just Let Me Cry (Hilary Weeks)

http://youtu.be/zt0BKDOe3x0

I believe that everything happens for a reason
We're not just tossed by the wind and left in the
   hands of fate
But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected
And we're forced to face our deepest pain

When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under
I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground
Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger
And there's nothing I can do but let it out

Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry

When I agreed that God could put this heart
   inside me
I understood that there would be a chance that it
    would break
But I know He knows exactly how I'm feeling
And I know in time He'll take the pain away
But for now

Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry

I have felt joy the kind that makes my heart
    want to sing
And so my tears are not a surrender
I'll feel that way again
But for now
For this moment

Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry

I believe that everything happens for a reason

    I'm a cryer, I admit it! I haven't always been a cryer, but I'm a cryer now. Maybe it's what happens as we age. Maybe it's what happens as we go through life and allow ourselves to actually feel the full impact of what's going on inside of us. I used to be embarrassed to cry in public, probably because so many people view crying and tears in public as a weakness. I confess I have probably been guilty of some of that myself when I was younger, but not anymore. Life is messy sometimes, and just plain hard. Bad things happen to good people.  I think it took the death of my father and the compassion of a loving friend to help me understand the necessity of crying to help me begin to heal. At first after my father died, I would try to control the tears and "be strong" - for who? If found that this just gave me panic attacks and a huge headache! I had to come to terms with the fact that tears heal us. If we "let it out" then we aren't holding it in. It's a release of our feelings and our emotions. God gave us tears to help us heal. I usually feel such a relief after I have a good cry. Why walk around in life on the edge of tears and wanting to let it out, but fearing what "everyone else around us will think"? Who cares? It's not about what they are feeling, it's about what I am feeling. As Shrek says, "better out than in" ;-). I think that if we cried more there would be less need for all of those anti-depressants! So, I'm giving you permission to go ahead and cry - sob, weep, bawl, bewail, blubber, boohoo, burst into tears, let go, let it out, grieve, mourn - because only then can we begin to heal. (Now there, don't you feel better?)

Hear Me (Tears into Wine) - Jim Brickman (lyrics)
http://youtu.be/zB0tvJSM0lo

If I Only Had Today

If I Only Had Today by Hilary Weeks
http://youtu.be/4AkEP31aZTY

It seems like I've watched a million sunsets
And stared at a thousand full moons
Sometimes it feels like I've been here forever
And sometimes it all feels brand new

I could never count the heartbeats
From the day I was born until now
But not a single one goes unnoticed
By Him who breathes life in me somehow

But if there were no more tomorrows
If I kew that I could not stay
I know how I'd spend every moment
If I only had today

I'd hold you and listen
And I'd let the dishes sit in the sink
I'd tell you I loved you over and over
And for once I'd just let the phone ring
Then I'd remind you of forever
And how our love would never change
If I only had today

I'd wake up before the sun did
And I'd watch as you quietly sleep
I'd pray for time to move slowly
Knowing the moment won't keep

All the gifts that Heaven had given
Every blessing that's come my way
Wouldn't mean anything without you
So if I only had today

I'd hold you and listen
I'd memorize every detail of your face
I'd tell you I loved you over and over
I wouldn't let excuses get in the way
Then I'd remind you of forever
And how our love would never change
If I only had today

There's no time like the present
Life doesn't come with any guarantees
The sun will set and time won't wait

So while I have today

I'll hold you and listen
I'll let the dishes sit in the sink
I'll tell you I love you over and over
For once I'll just let the phone ring
And I'll remind you of forever
And how our live will never change
Because I have today

Ghosts - Learning to let go of the past

Ghosts (Dan Fogelberg)

http://youtu.be/J1hGidVkigI

"Sometimes in the night I feel it
Near as my next breath and yet untouchable
Silently the past comes stealing like the taste of some forbidden sweet

Along the walls in shadowed rafters
Moving like a thought through haunted atmospheres
Muted cries and echoed laughter

Banished dreams that never sank in sleep
Lost in love and found in reason
Questions that the mind can find no answers for

Ghostly eyes conspire treason as they gather just outside the door
And every ghost that calls upon us brings another measure in the mystery
Death is there to keep us honest and constantly remind us we are free

Down the ancient corridors, through the gates of time
Run the ghosts of days that we've left behind
Down the ancient corridors, through the gates of time
Run the ghosts of dreams that we left behind

Sometimes in the night I feel it
Near as my next breath and yet untouchable
Silently the past comes stealing like the taste of some forbidden sweet

And every ghost that calls upon us brings another measure in the mystery
Death is there to keep us honest and constantly remind us we are free
Down the ancient corridors and through the gates of time

Run the ghosts of days that we've left behind
Down the ancient corridors and through the gates of time
Run the ghosts of dreams that we left behind"



Let's be honest, we all have "ghosts" in our lives. Past relationships, bad experiences, poor choices, mistakes - that come back to haunt us some days.  Memories of past mistakes, losses and grief, major paradiem shifts that felt more like a "life quake" than a mere "shift". So, how do you deal with them, make them manageable? Sometimes I've cried. Sometimes I've screamed. Sometimes I've prayed. Sometimes I've chosen to be angry.

But what I find that works the best for me is to forgive. At times it has felt so counterintuitive. I want to revive those "ghosts" and relive and rehash the events, mostly trying to just make some sense of what happened. The "how" the "why" the "what if". I've analyzed (probably over-analyzed and overthought, knowing me), and I've mentally flogged myself over and over again for being so naive and stupid. But what good does that do? It just reopens the wounds. Yes, the scars are there and always will be, but what good does "reopening the wounds" and reliving the past do? It means having to heal over again, and again and again? And who has the energy or the time for that?!

What I've learned through much anger, pain and suffering is that if I can see myself and others as human and fallable, I am better able to forgive myself (and others) and let go of the "ghosts" from my past. Mistakes were made, bad things happened, feelings were hurt and I can't undo the past. But, I can choose to not let what happened in the past dictate how I will decide to live the rest of my life. Reviving these "ghosts" from the past over and over just keeps me from enjoying the present and the future. It saps my energy, it hinders me from feeling happiness and joy, and it keeps me from fulfilling my fullest potential.  Jesus taught that we should "forgive those who trespass against us". He taught that we should "love thy neighbor as thyself", not instead of thyself.   Isn't that what the Atonement of Jesus Christ was for? To let Him handle what we can't (and don't need to anymore?) "We are free" to choose. Forgive self, forgive others who knowingly (and sometimes unknowingly) have hurt us, or hold on to the pain and anger and continue to be victimized, to be miserable and to make those around us equally miserable.

"If you keep carry that anger it'll eat you up inside.... I've been trying to get down to The Heart of the Matter because the flesh will get weak and the ashes seem to scatter. So I'm thinking about forgiveness, forgiveness, even if you don't love me."

The Heart of the Matter (Don Henley)

http://youtu.be/ncF6q3QeltU

Vision: The Road Not Taken

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens."

~ Carl Jung, psychologist

Nether Lands by Dan Fogelberg
http://youtu.be/ePrQFaB50w0

The first time I heard this song I thought of the poem "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. It is a favorite of mine.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

There have been times in my life when I have "stood at a fork in the road" and had to decide which road I was going to take. Should I play it safe and take the road that was the most "well traveled", and follow the crowd? Or should I take the "one less traveled" that seemed to lead to something unchartered, unknown and even a little bit scarey - but somehow just felt right. Admittedly, I have take some of both, but the roads that I feel I have learned and grown the most were the "one(s) less traveled by". I have tried to listen to and trust my feelings and my heart. I have chosen to "look inside", to pray and listen for what my heart and mind feels is right, and then take an action that followed those feelings. Sometimes the ends of those roads were more obvious when I started out at the beginning than others. But by making the "harder choices", by choosing "the road not taken", I have learned (and am still learning) to trust my instincts, trust myself, and trust in God and His plan for me - and that brings me peace. Sometimes the hardest part is the deciding, but once the decision is made and I feel peace then I could move forward with confidence and "my vision became my release". "When you learn to trust yourself, then you will know how to live" (Goethe) - "and that has made all the difference".

Living Each Moment

 "The spirit is an area of growth most of us set aside, half hoping the day will come when some soul-stretching peak experience will lift us out of the ordinary consciousness for a glimpse of the sacred and eternal. But we have to prepare our consciousness for taking such a path. We need to change the way we measure time and to relax our insistence on control .... Instead of focusing on the time running out, it should be a daily exercise ....to mark the moment. The present never ages. Each moment is like a snowflake, unique, unspoiled, unrepeatable, and can be appreciated in its surprisingness....If every day is an awakening, you will never grow old. You will just keep growing." - Gail Sheehy from the book New Passages

Too often I get so caught up in the demands of my busy schedule and what I think has to be done by a certain deadline, that I lose sight of why I'm doing what I'm doing in the first place! I try to force the changes that I see need to be made. I try to control the uncontrollable. I call it the "spoiled child syndrome" aka "I want it and I want it now!" I'm learning that sometimes the timing just isn't right yet for everything to fall into place. But, when I try to "be still", "let go and let God handle it", and when the timing is right,everything does fall in to place, and it's grand and surprising and inspiring! This keeps me going and moving forward. It's that shot in the arm I need to keep going, to keep trying. It gives me hope. Sometimes I wish I was better at "marking the moment" and enjoying each moment of each day. Like Gail says, "Each moment is like a snowflake, unique, unspoiled, unrepeatable, and can be appreciated in its surprisingness." I want to be able to look at my every day as an awakening and just keep growing. Grow, or die.

To the Morning 

http://youtu.be/RxClQ_pInzc

Watching the sun...watching it come
Watching it come up over the rooftops
Cloudy and warm...maybe a storm
You can never quite tell from the morning

(Chorus)
And it's going to be a day
There is really no way to say no to the morning
Yes it's going to be a day
There is really nothing left to say but come on morning

Waiting for mail
Maybe a tale from an old friend or even a lover
Sometimes there's none
But we have fun thinking of all who might have written

(Chorus)

And maybe there are seasons
And maybe they change
And maybe to love is not so strange

The sounds of the day
Now they hurry away
Now they are gone until tomorrow
When day will break and you will wake
And you will rake your hands across your eyes and realize
That it's going to be a day
There is really no way to say no to the morning
Yes it's going to be a day
There is really nothing left to say but come on morning

And maybe there are seasons and maybe they change
And maybe to love is not so strange

"I wrote this (in the summer of 1970) when I was 18 years old. This was the first song that made me think I might actually make a living as a songwriter. I still find it a special piece to perform." (Dan Fogelberg)

"To The Morning" the first song on Dan Fogelbergs first album "Home Free" (released 1972), began with strings, sustaining a hauntingly beautiful chord which faded into the song "To The Morning"; a song of hope invoking the day with the lyric, "There is really nothing left to say but 'come on, morning.'"
To The Morning (Lyrics)

My "life journey theme song"

As anyone that knows me well well knows, I am a musical person. Music speaks to my soul. I have played the piano for over 40 years, taught lessons for over 20. There have been songs along the way that have truly resonated with me (I'm certain you will see references to them many times in my future blogs).  Some speak of a feeling, a moment in time or a thought that I was unable to express, but some creative, talented lyricist can and does. This song, Icarus Ascending, is probably (at least for my life since age 40) my life journey theme song. The lyricist, Dan Fogelberg, wrote so eloquently my view of my life at this point in time. When I need an inspiration or an uplift, this is what I listen to. Thank you, Dan Fogelberg, may you rest in peace.

You can view a video presentation of this song at: http://youtu.be/Bu0opE8-MvE


Icarus Ascending
Written by Dan Fogelberg
from his Full Circle Album, 2003

Soaring alone upon a threatening wind
Just fix your eyes on the horizon
Cut off from everything you’ve known or have been
I shouldn’t think it’s so surprisin’
Spiraling upward on a freshening lift
Reaching the realms of fleet Apollo
You have been given the most sacred of gifts
You must be fearless now and follow

(Chorus)
Don’t look down
Though your heart may be weary
Don’t look down
Though your wings are on fire
 Don’t look down
Though the night may seem endless
There’s a reason you’re flying this fast and this far
Let your faith be your strength
And your love be your guiding star

Venturing further than the length of your sight
Out past the reach of your beginnings
There is a gamble in each proud act of flight
But the losses pale before the winnings
Circling and diving with this freedom you’ve found
Illusion blows apart and scatters
There is no darkness in this place that we're bound
Love is the only thing that matters

Repeat Chorus
Up.....up.....up.....up.....


Dan Fogelberg reflecting on "Icarus Ascending" from Full Circle, 2003

"This is the high water mark of this record for me. This is one of the most recent, a very important song to me as a songwriter. It's a statement of my personal philosophy of being an artist. It does give hope for those who are willing to plumb the depths of individualism in any endeavor, in any art. The gift of art is an incredible blessing from the creator. I believe that. It's not an easy life, not a popular choice to make if you want to be everybody's friend. You have to listen to that unwavering voice that says, 'You're special, but it's not going to be easy.' It will be very difficult, but if you choose to pursue it unfailingly, I believe you will be greatly rewarded in a way people who are not given this creative spark will ever understand. It's perhaps as close as I will ever come to really expressing my core philosophy. I'm not talking financial here, but spiritual rewards. Many great artists never realized financial rewards. This is a song to those artists, more than someone like me, who has had every reward I can possibly think of. So many great artists struggled all their lives and will never see the perks. This song says you have to have enormous courage to follow the muse and that's Icarus. The Greek story is one of the great stories of optimism and foolishness, that he would make wax wings to fly to the sun. But as an artist you've got to be fearless and keep flying to the sun even though you know you might crash. ' There is a gamble in each proud act of flight' is one of the best lines I've ever written."

Why "Now I Become Myself" and the Mobius Strip

The day I turned 50 years old the title of a poem came into my head. I had read it some time ago in my Life Journey class at school. It was referenced by Parker Palmer, along with the Mobius strip analogy (more on that later).  The title, "Now I Become Myself". The author, May Sarton. It was written in 1950.

Now I Become Myself - written by May Sarton in 1950

 Now I become myself. It's taken

Time, many years and places;

I have been dissolved and shaken,

Worn other people's faces,

Run madly, as if Time were there,

Terribly old, crying a warning,

"Hurry, you will be dead before—"

(What? Before you reach the morning?

Or the end of the poem is clear?

Or love safe in the walled city?)

Now to stand still, to be here,

Feel my own weight and density!

The black shadow on the paper

Is my hand; the shadow of a word

As thought shapes the shaper

Falls heavy on the page, is heard.

All fuses now, falls into place

From wish to action, word to silence,

My work, my love, my time, my face

Gathered into one intense

Gesture of growing like a plant.

As slowly as the ripening fruit

Fertile, detached, and always spent,

Falls but does not exhaust the root,

So all the poem is, can give,

Grows in me to become the song,

Made so and rooted by love.

Now there is time and Time is young.

O, in this single hour I live

All of myself and do not move.

I, the pursued, who madly ran,

Stand still, stand still, and stop the sun!

_________________________________________

This poem resonated with me, as did the Mobius Strip. It is an excellent analogy for the way that I would like to view my life.

The Mobius Strip

The message becomes clear:
“Whatever is inside us continually flows outward to help form, or deform, the world–and whatever is outside us continually flows inward to help form, or deform, our lives.  The Mobius strip is like life itself:  here, ultimately, there is only one reality.”

There is no place to hide. “We are constantly engaged in a seamless exchange between whatever is “out there” and whatever is “in here,” participating in the creation of reality, for better or for worse.”
Understanding this has helped me to purge a lot more “out there” so that I can enrich and simplify what is going on “in here.”

As  T.S. Eliot suggested:
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

From Your Soul’s Journey to Wholeness by Parker J. Palmer, Spirituality & Health , September/October 2004
A Möbius strip made with a piece of paper and tape. If an ant were to crawl along the length of this strip, it would return to its starting point having traversed every part of the strip without ever crossing an edge. "to be or to do" (Elder Lynn G. Robbins)? The inner and outer need to connect much like a mobius strip in order to avoid hypocrisy. I love this analogy.

The inner life and the outer life, that are so interconnected, display who we really are and what we both give and take from the world(s) in which we live. Oh how I wish there was not hypocrisy, no disconnect between the two. I am learning to "become myself" and to be my true self as I make this journey of my life on the mobius strip.