Birds



"When you see me fly away without you

Shadow on the things you know

Feathers fall around you

And show you the way to go

It's over . . . it's over."

-Neil Young



Birds (Dan Fogelberg)
http://youtu.be/78Zb4tE6aCc

     Last week we dropped our youngest daughter off to begin her first year in college. We are now officially "empty nesters" and all of our "birds" have flown the coop. The phase of life with children at home is over. I'm feeling like they have all flown away without me, leaving me behind to tend the empty nest until they fly in for a brief visit.

     I am unsure of how to navigate this new phase of life. I am feeling pretty unsteady and unsure of what to do. I have been responsible to or for someone else for most of my life, and now I am finding myself with a little too much time on my hands and wondering how to fill it. When I was a young mother with three children to tend I longed for these days and the chance to do something that I wanted to do with my time other than take care of them. Now that I am here, I am feeling very displaced and unsettled. I don't know what to do with myself or how to fill my time. It doesn't help that I am facing an unplanned (and unwanted) knee surgery which will likely postpone the one thing that I was counting on being able to do next in my life. Isn't that the way it goes sometimes? The best laid plans don't always work out and so you have to learn how to manage a "plan B" that was neither expected nor wanted.

     But, life goes on whether we like it or not. Chores have to be done, jobs have to be worked, meetings have to be attended and food has to be prepared. I have found that there have been moments in my life when I wished that time would just stop or at least slow down long enough for me to catch up to it. I remember when my parents died I felt the same way. Life kept on going even when it felt like mine was falling apart and it just didn't seem right or fair or whatever. I needed some time to put the pieces of the puzzle back together again and make some sense of the disruption and chaos taking place. Right now I feel like I am living my life on a different trajectory than just about everyone else I know. No one seems to understand how I am feeling or what it feels like to be me in this life path right now. It is a very lonely feeling all in all. People mean well with their comments and questions, but sometimes it is all just to much for me to manage. It is very tempting to isolate myself, but I do not think that would be the best course of action for me to take because I have been here before and I know that I need support.

     And so my "birds" have flown away. Each one has their own flight pattern to follow, and ultimately that is what I would want for them. The hard part is feeling left behind. I know that we will always be connected by the invisible bonds of love that we share, but right now it's hard to see this. I never really thought about what it would be like to be here, now, in this situation. It always seemed to be so far away, until this past few months when it became all too near. I guess the lesson in all of this is to enjoy each moment that you have with your loved ones because it changes all too soon. Enjoy each day you have together and don't long for the future when things might seem to be better. Live each day to the fullest and appreciate every golden moment that you have with those you love - whenever and for however long you can get them.

"Time stills the singing a child holds so dear
And I'm just beginning to hear
Gone are the pathways the child followed home
Gone like the sand and the foam"
The Sand and the Foam (Dan Fogelberg)
http://youtu.be/Oh8H-SGoJ0E

    



On waiting

"The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or impatient.

To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith.

 Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches. Patience and faith.

One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach - waiting for a gift from the sea."

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh from Gifts from the Sea

Beautiful Heartbreak (Hilary Weeks)

http://youtu.be/xyX-I-um5Kk

    Let's just say that patience is not one of my character strengths. It is a trait that I seem to continually have to revisit and relearn. Countless times during my life I have run up against life experiences that foster this trait. As a young women, I was one of the last of my peers to marry. We finally conceive our first child when I was unsure whether we would ever have the childbirth experience. I miscarried the second pregnancy. We conceive our second live birth, and she threatened to miscarry. After her safe arrival and time passed we tried again to conceive, only to have that pregnancy also end in a miscarriage. I questioned and I agonized as to why. Why did this keep happening? What was I doing wrong? What was wrong with me? Anyone who has ever miscarried a baby understands the emotional and physical pain and anquish that these experiences bring. All of the questions that one agonizes over when tragedy strikes or your expectations go unfulfilled. Then, a few years after the birth of our third child, I conceived again and once again I miscarried that baby.  I felt that I had asked all of the questions, but received none of the answers.  Finally, after that last miscarrige, I received my answer - the Rh Factor. My husband is Rh postive and I am Rh negative and our blood types don't mesh. More questions. Why didn't the doctors discover this information before my last two miscarriages? Why did the original lab technician mistype my blood? Why did I have to go through eleven years of questions and no answers? Why did I have to go through all of the pain and anguish of the three (possibly 4) miscarriages? What is the purpose for all of this suffering? Why me?

     The answers have eventually come, "line upon line, and precept upon precept; here a little and there a little." God allowed these experiences to teach me to trust in Him and His plan for me. These experiences brought me to my knees many times. They forced me to ask the big questions and to seek for the answers. These experiences taught me to be grateful for what I did have, and to do the best I could to care for what I had been given. I have developed an empathy and compassion for others who have experienced or experiencing similar challenges. I have since seen the wisdom in the way God has unfolded the pathway of my life. I have three wonderful children with whom I have an unbreakable bond. First and foremost, I will always be a mother.

     Other difficult life experiences have caused me to ask "the big questions". Experiences that I would have preferred not to have had. Multiple moves, the deaths of loved ones, the separation from family and friends, and now an impending knee surgery when I was just going to get started on a second career. I am trying to keep my eternal perspective about this amidst the fear and the awful stories that those who have experienced this type of surgery feel obligated to share with me (whether I want them to or not). This is not what I would have chosen for this time in my life journey. Just like the miscarriages, this is not what I wanted to have happen. I do not understand why now, why this? Especially when I have been working so hard and diligently to make future plans and move forward to build and fill what is left of my life here on this earth. Apparently, this is not in God's plan for me at this time, He has something else in mind.

     One thing that I have come to understand is that God's timing is perfect. My plan is not always His plan. He has a reason and I, once again, am having to trust Him and His plan for me. If there is one thing that I hope I have learned over all of my years of unfulfilled expectations it is that even though it may not be what I want, God's plan is better and the growth that will come as a result of my experience will be just what I need to become what God needs for me to become. To think that we are "in charge" is just an illusion. I find it is so much better when I can surrender to God's will and go with the flow and not fight it. Peace and patience come as I learn to "let go and let God". I do not know where this path is leading me, but God does. I know Him, I trust Him and I know that with his grace and love, I will be able to endure another trial of my faith and patience.  I can't help but wonder what "gifts" this experience will bring - time, reflection, healing. Only He knows, and for now this has to be sufficient for me.

I Will Follow God's Plan for Me

http://youtu.be/ri7zwb0xj9I

Life Happens!

We May Never Pass This Way Again (Seals and Crofts)

http://youtu.be/Vd6zYQPCgsc

    What a week! I finally went to the doctor for my annual physical in June and due to some knee pain in my right knee I was referred to an orthopedist and some x-rays. When my orthopedist looked at the x-rays he saw a cyst on my knee, and therefore he ordered an MRI with some dye injected into my veins to determine if the cyst he saw was cancerous. After the MRI I waited another agonizing week, to get the results of the tests. I got the results last week and it was a good news/bad news situation. The good news is that the cyst is not cancerous. The bad news is that the cyst covers about a third of the top of my tibia bone in my knee, and I also have a torn meniscus that needs to be repaired. This is such a complicated situation that my orthopedist decided he need to refer me to another specialist, an orthopedic oncologist, for treatment options. The cyst has made my joint very fragile and I was told not to do any strenuous exercise where I could risk twisting or bumping it which could lead to a break. This would greatly complicate things and be even more difficult to repair. The worst case scenario is that I might need two surgeries; one to repair each of the individual problems. The other scenario is that of one surgery in order to correct both problems at one time which would mean less surgeries, but perhaps more pain. There may also need to be some grafting of bone in order to move along the healing process.  At this point I have no idea the treatment, the recovery time, etc. - just a lot of fear of the unknown.

     I'm glad to know that there really was a reason for all of the pain and that it wasn't all in my head but, needless to say, this was not what I saw myself doing in the weeks and months following dropping my youngest daughter off at college for the first time. I had plans! I was going to cry for a while, then clean up and out her room and get things organized. I was going to purge and clean out all of the unnecessary papers and items that have been lingering much too long in my home. I wanted to do some redecorating and I had plans to start taking an online training course to learn some new skills and start a second career. I was hoping to do something to bring in extra income, not give more of it out due to medical bills! This is not what I had planned - argh!

      The first thing I thought of when I got my news was the above quote by John Lennon. Sometimes the best laid plans don't always work out and adjustments must be made - whether I like it or not. This is certainly not what I would wish for myself (or anyone else for that matter), but it is what has been placed in my path right now. I do not know the reason why, but I'm sure I have something to learn from going through it. I guess I will discover what that is as the course of the events unfold.

     I guess that one thing I am learning through all of this is to appreciated each good day that you have and make the best of it, because you never know what is just around the corner! I thought I had learned this lesson long ago, after the loss of my parents, but it seems that it had been put in my path once again to revisit. Be grateful for the positives (not cancer) and take things one step (or one moment/day/week, etc.) at a time. Trust that God has a reason for all of this and that He will be there to walk with me along this new leg (no pun intended) of my life journey. This is certainly a bend/twist (another pun - sorry) in my road that I didn't see coming. One thing I have learned from such situations is that there can be great personal and spiritual growth as a result, if it is approached with faith, an open mind/heart and trust in God and His plan for me. I will do all that I can to prepare ahead of time for what is coming, but the rest I will need to let go of and leave in God's hands and trust that He will take care of it and lead me through it. "If God leads you to it, He will take you through it", right? I certainly hope so.

You'll Never Walk Alone (The Mormon Tabernacle Choir)
http://youtu.be/WNLKl4Bxwv8

(Note: This used to be one of my mother's favorite songs. Considering she endured 5 open-heart surgeries in her lifetime, I now understand why. I love you Mom, and wish you were here now).