Friends, I Will Remember You

 

“At the end of life, you will never regret not having passed one more test,

not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal.

You will regret time not spent with a husband, a child, a friend, or a parent.”

– Barbara Bush-

Friends With You (John Denver)

http://youtu.be/P9v5rhVcj6c

     We live in a very mobile society, and summertime seems the be the season for relocation! It seems like just about every summer for most of my life at least one of my friends moves away. I am thankful for modern technology (i.e. Facebook) that makes it easier to stay connected to each other, but somehow it just isn't the same as a face-to-face encounter. Friends have moved away for a multitude of reasons, jobs - lost or gained, schooling, moving closer to family, and simply the desire for a change of scenery.

     I find myself longing for the days of my childhood when society, at least in my world, seemed to be much less mobile. I grew up living in the same house and the same neighborhood until I was 22 years old, so I had a fairly stable and predictable childhood. Once I was married and had a child, however, I too became mobile. I was counting the number of times I have moved since I married and so far, the total is 8 times in the first 14 years of our married life. We have lived in our current location for over 13 years. As a result, I now have friends living in various parts of the United States from Georgia (hi Lee Ann and Chris) to Utah (hi Kim and Jody) with several more locations in between.

     No matter where I have lived, I have been blessed to find at least one good friend. The hardest thing is when one of us, or sometimes both of us, move away from each other. Our lives have crossed at a moment in time and become part of each other's tapestry of life, if even for a brief moment. As I have been thinking back over my life there seems to be certain events that I will always associate with certain people with whom I have shared those special, sacred moments - and I am very grateful that our life's paths have crossed. They have left "footprints on my heart" and in my life.

     This summer is no exception, another good friend will be moving to California this July. I will miss her and her family, but am also happy that she has the opportunity to live closer to her family after being away from them for the past 20 years. I admit, I am a bit jealous as I have not had that luxury in my own life for very long, just a brief 22 months after I was first married. It is challenging and lonely to live so far away from my family. As a result, my friends become my family, and when they move away a part of my heart goes with them.

     Some friends don't have to move across the country for me to miss them. Some friends have changes come into their lives that make us drift apart. I experienced this when I returned to school three years ago. I was extremely busy during those three years and as hard as I tried not to, I lost the connections that I had with some of my friends. Now those friends have, for various reasons, moved on with their lives - one by choice, and the other by circumstances beyond her control. I miss them, and now that my life has slowed down a bit, I am lonely without them. One of the reasons that I returned to school was for what I thought would be an opportunity to make some new friends. I was sadly disappointed, as I didn't find too many 20-somethings that wanted to be friends with an almost 50 year old. I was closer in age to my professors, than to the students! It turned out that what I thought would be a solution to a problem, just created more problems for me. As I think back on my time in school, I don't regret taking the classes and learning (though it was an expensive trail to follow), I do regret that I didn't find more friends with whom I could spend time. But, as I have stated in previous postings, I went back to what was familiar to me - not realizing how much circumstances and I had changed over the years.

     So, the search goes on to find "where I belong" and find the people who share my same interests and passions. Honestly, sometimes it is a very lonely journey and I wonder if I will ever feel "at home" again. Having spent a great deal of my life in the same place, I know how it feels to feel content and comfortable in a place. Regretably, even after the 13 years I have lived here, I do not always feel that way. I wonder if I ever will again. Maybe I just need to do a little more exploring and "get out of my confort zone" a bit. Try to find some new interests and hobbies, voluteer or take another class and explore something different and see where that path might lead. I am not much of a risk taker and it puts me way out of my confort zone, but I am feeling that "grow or die" feeling creeping back on me once again. If I can just keep it all in balance. I have been "sitting patiently with the waiting" for a while now. I guess it's time to pull myself back up and put myself back out there. Perhaps "I'm ready to take a change again....after all" We'll see.

Ready To Take A Chance Again (Barry Manilow - of course!)

http://youtu.be/qedV2nL4Ou4

Someday I'll Find "it"



Mandy/Could It Be Magic? (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/7NKxzKRBk-0

      I had the priviledge of attending another Barry Manilow concert last night (my fourth). What a show and what a showman!! I have had an ongoing relationship with Barry since I was 13 years old! I knew from the first time that I heard "Mandy" and "Could It Be Magic?" that there was something very special and different about this artist. Who knew?!! To me, Barry is a shining example of someone who found his "calling" early in life and has made a life of "music and passion" by pursuing his passion for music. I admit, I envy people like him - those who figured out early in life their purpose and then go for it! I know his childhood growing up in Brooklyn was "less than ideal", but look what a life he has made out of it! He has chosen to rise above his "circumstances" and gone on to have a "successful" life he seems to love.

(sigh)

     Barry had his grandfather who believed in his talents and abilities, and that was a huge motivator and support for his chosen profession. I don't know that I had that level of support growing up. My parents were great people and I knew they loved me.  They gave me a great life foundation, but I don't see them as the "cheerleaders" in my life. There are a lot of reasons for this that I won't go into, but I sometimes wonder if my life would have turned out differently had I had someone cheering me on and telling me "you're not so bad" (All The Time by Barry Manilow http://youtu.be/sXj8djMeMzs). In fact, you are really good at _______? Everyone needs a "cheerleader" in their life. Everyone needs to feel like they are good at something.

    I have always thought it would nice to have known early in my life what my life's purpose was. I feel like I have wasted a lot of time and energy trying to figure out "what I wanna be when I grow up". Don't get me wrong, I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother. But, I have always felt like there is something more that I am supposed to do in my lifetime. I have taught piano lessons for over 20 years, and have had lots of fun (and some frustration) doing it. I hope I have blessed lives along the way. But now, as I am reaching the end of the "child raising years", I am wondering what else there is for me to do.

     I guess that this is why I continue to explore new avenues and try new things. Never stop growing! This is why I went back to college in my late 40's. I'm not what I would call adventureous or a risk taker, but I do enjoy learning about new things and thinking "outside of the box". I think when I felt that familiar restlessness that there is just something more for me to do, I went back to what I was familiar with to try to figure it out - i.e. back to school. I have enjoyed my 3 years back in college, but I'm now feeling that my life's journey is taking me in another direction. I think that this time there is something new that I need to explore and try.  I continue to hope that "someday I'll find it , the rainbow connection, the lovers the dreamers  - and me...."

The Rainbow Connection

http://youtu.be/f5_y0s-COl8

I'll Be There, In My Daughter's Eyes

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end

may also be the beginning. - Ivy Baker Priest

In My Daughter's Eyes (Martina McBride)

http://youtu.be/eLS0Y40WwlA

"In my daugther's eyes I can see the future

A reflection of who I am and what will be.

I know she'll grow and someday leave,

Maybe raise a family.

When I'm gone I hope you'll see

how happy she made me,

For I'll be there

In my daughter's eyes."

This is a very bittersweet time in my life. My youngest daughter just graduated from high school and plans to attend college this Fall in a town 2000 miles away from me - and home. I'm not sure I'm ready to go through all of this again. I have been through it two previous times with my two older children leaving home and going off to college. They have since married and are living in places that are far away from home. Somehow though, this one feels different. I'm not sure if it is because she is "my baby" or if it is because she is last child living at home. We have have spent a lot of time together over the last three years and it has brought us closer. I will miss our times together and sharing similar experiences and opportunities. We have become good friends and I feel like I am losing her to something over which I have no control. But I have been here before....

A good friend introduced me to the above quote by Ivy Baker Priest when my father died in 2005. She gave me an ornament of an angel holding the world in her hands, the quote is engraved on her wing. The minute I read it I knew that it was something that my father would have said to me, had he still been here. This has come back to mind over the past week or so, because to some extent I feel like I am approaching the "end" of my world as I know it. I have been a stay-at-home mother for almost 25 years and suddenly I'm unemployed, laid off from the best job in the world - that I love. My son reminds me that I will always be their mother - which is true - but everything changes when your children leave the safety net of your home. I will no longer be close by to kiss away the tears, bandage the "boo boos" and give a hug and tell them that everything is going to be o.k. (even when I wonder that myself). The choices have larger and more impactful consequences, for better or for worse. I wonder if I have given them a foundation sufficient to get them through the hard times. I worry if they will be able to handle and manage the challenges that life can sometimes throw at them. Have I taught them, either by precept or by example, how to face the challenges and "storms" of life? How will I navigate the empty, quiet house and the longing to have her near?

I wonder if my own mother had the same thoughts when I left home. I remember my father telling me that she had a difficult time with the transition of having me, her youngest daughter, leave the nest for college - and I was only an hour away! Oh, how I wish she was still here so that I could talk to her and find out how she managed to get through this experience and carry on. Yesterday, I was finally sitting down and taking a break after all of the excitement and work of the past week, and a memory of my bedroom in my childhood home came to the forefront. The words to the song "Home" by Michaela Buble' came to mind. I think I was homesick. I wanted to go back home, back to "the innocent age" before all of the changes of life took over my life. I wanted to go "home" and have my mother kiss my tears away, bandage the boo boos and give me a hug and tell me that everything is going to be o.k. But there is no "home" to go to there anymore. Ironically, both of my daughters have chosen to attend college in the town in which I attended college, just over an hour from my "home". So, in a way I do get to go "home" when I go to visit them and/or take them to college. In a sense, my world has turned out to be "round" after all, "and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning." Time will tell.

Home - by Michael Buble - for those who are not familiar with it

http://youtu.be/RPJRAlfLlp8

The Innocent Age (Dan Fogelberg)

http://youtu.be/uunU0Aoup_I