Who I Was Born to Be

"You either walk inside your story and own it

or you stand outside your story and

hustle for your worthiness." 

- Brene Brown

Who I Was Born to Be (Susan Boyle w/lyrics)
http://youtu.be/mhXYHRS5aDo

       My thoughts have been wandering as I approach another birthday, and they have led me to this particular song. As a child I loved to sing. I would often stand on my front porch and watch the birds flying among the trees and try to imitate their songs, thinking I was somehow talking to them. I would stand there and sing songs. Some of these songs were familiar, but often they were of my own creation. I would sing about whatever I felt like. Music has always touched me in a special place inside of my soul, a place that feels intimately mine and very safe. Music has saved my sanity and, quite possibly, my life at times.

     I have been on a journey of self-discovery over the past few years. I have learned a lot about myself on this journey, most recently (with the help of a good therapist) the realization that I have a "highly sensitive personality". I had no idea there even was such a thing until my therapist recommended I read the book, The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron. As I read through this book, lights and bells and whistles began going off; it was one "aha' moment followed by another! It was me that she was writing about. I have always felt different than most people I have known in my life, but I never understood why. I always thought it was something wrong with me, so I have tried to change me to try to better fit in with those around me. It never worked, and I always came away feeling disappointed, lost and inadequate. As it turns out, I have a minority personality type (only about 20% of the population manifest this type of personality). No wonder I have always felt different and like I didn't belong in this world!

     Upon further exploration, I have also connected the dots with Brene Brown's, Power of Vulnerability, and Carol Tuttle's, Type 2 - soft, subtle energy profile (more on this in later blogs) I am beginning to see myself so much more clearly now - what motivates me, what cripples me and where and why I need to set clear and definite boundaries. I am still the same person I have always been, but now I am finally understanding why I am the way I am, and that it is o.k. to be that way - that is "who I am was born to be". I may not have found all of the answers, but at least I now know more than I ever have and I feel very liberated. I understand that I truly am not like everyone else, and that it is o.k. not to be. I am enough and I am okay just the way I am. I am who Heavenly Father made me to be. He created me this way, and I am trying my best to fulfill the measure of that creation to the best of my ability. I have always understood that not everyone will always like me or understand why I do what I do, but I have gifts that this world is in desperate need of, such as a large capacity to love, kindness, gentleness, patience, empathy, and peacefulness. I have also learned that this personality trait runs in families (much like "the force" in Star Wars). My father had it (I suspect his mother had it), my daughter has it (and my son too, I believe, though it tends to be harder for guys to manifest because of the world's view of masculinity). It is not something of which to be ashamed, it is something to be embraced and celebrated!

    I feel like I am finally coming out of a very dark place. For so long I felt like Winnie the Pooh with that little black rain cloud always following me (or maybe more like Eeyore "thanks for noticing me").  I feel empowered and more confident because I now know who I am and who I am meant to be, and that it is good, in fact, great to be that person! I truly am unique (something I have always wanted to be). I am special. I am me...and I am enough.

"Because true belonging only happens 

when we present our authentic, 

imperfect selves to the world.

Our sense of belonging 

can never be greater 

than our level of self-acceptance." 

- Brene Brown, The Gift of Imperfection

I Love You Just the Way You Are (Billy Joel)
http://youtu.be/vBZnGk1nAjw

"I Wish You Enough"

Leaving on a Jet Plane (John Denver)
http://youtu.be/H9qvjRVty7Q

     Our son and his wife recently left us to return home from spending their Christmas holidays here. We really enjoyed our too short time together. We laughed, played, sang, talked, shared and even cried a little. Finally the time came when we had to drive them to the airport to return back to their home and lives elsewhere. We arrived at the airport and stopped by the curb to unload their things. We gave them a lingering hug and then waved good-bye to them as they made their way into the terminal and we returned to our car. (Sadly, long gone are the days when you could actually accompany them to the gate and say good bye there as they walked down the boarding corridor).  As we drove away from the curb and made our way out of the airport, thoughts returned of the many, (too many) times I had done this same thing at various airports and times in the past.

     I remember an especially poignant departure from that same airport on the day my father flew away after his last visit to see us. It was his return flight home after the occasion of attending this same son's high school graduation. Little did I know at that time that it would be the last time I would see my father alive, our last "good bye". He passed away suddenly a few months later from a heart attack.

(The last picture of my father, taken at the airport with my son and me.)

     I remember landing at the airport near my home a few days prior to his funeral. So often I had looked for and seen his face in the crowds at that airport when I returned home for a visit, but that day it was not there. I remember how stark and sad that was for me.

     Airports are portals of arrival and departure. People we love come and go there throughout our life's journey. Birth and death are also portals of arrival and departure. We greet and part with loved ones through these portals of mortality. The goal is to make the best use of the time we have together between the arrivals and the departures. Take nothing for granted, because there are no guarantees in life. Make the best of the time together, "say what you need to say" and cherish the precious and few moments. Love, laugh, play, share, forgive and embrace because you never know when that next departure may be the last good bye.


(From an email, author unknown)

Recently, I overheard a Mother and her daughter in their last moments together at a regional airport. They had announced her departure and standing near the security gate, they hugged and she said, "I love you. I wish you enough."

She in turn said, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too." They kissed and she left.

She walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy, but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied.

"Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked.

"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back will be for my funeral," she said.

"When you were saying good-bye I heard you say, "I wish you enough." May I ask what that means?"

She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone."

She paused for a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, she smiled even more.

"When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them," she continued. Then, turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from
memory:


"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye."


She then began to sob and walked away.

They say "It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them"

My friends and loved ones, I wish you ENOUGH!!! 

Fly Away (John Denver/Olivia Newton John)
http://youtu.be/LNsLGHs89iM