On Graduation Day



No Such Thing (John Mayer)
http://youtu.be/DdmcxrQLKaM

I'm "borrowing" this one from life coach, Cheryl Richardson. It contains so much wisdom and says it so much better than I can (especially right now - sniff).

"I've guided artists, entrepreneurs, corporate employees, or
moms and dads through the process of identifying their goals and crafting
an action plan, and then I've held them accountable for taking the actions
that will improve the quality of their lives.  I've learned a lot about
what makes for a great life - a life that honors who we really are; our
values and most treasured priorities.  And I've learned about what gets in
the way.

Today I'd like to share a list of ten things my clients tell me they wish
they had known earlier in life (me too!).  As difficult as it is to listen
to adults, trust me, if you take even one piece of advice from this list
and use it, you've got a much better chance of leading a full and happy
life.

1.Relax.  Nowadays there's too much pressure put on kids to make the
"perfect" career choice.  You're still young.  Give yourself plenty of
time to chart your own course.  After all, current studies show that
adults will change careers (not jobs!) 5 to 7 times in a lifetime.  We all
have multiple gifts and talents that need to be honored and expressed.
The choices you make today will grow and evolve over time, so don't worry.
Think of your career as a long-term portfolio of jobs that will express
the fullness of who you are.  There are no perfect choices.

2. Spend more time on the who than the what.  What you do will always be
less important than who you become.  Knowledge is great but it will never
take you as far as your courage, your integrity, your reputation for
someone who keeps his or her word, or your commitment to be of service to
others in some important way.  As you go through life, get in the habit of
asking yourself "how can I grow from this experience?"

3. Follow your heart.  Stop worrying so much about what everyone else
thinks.  The most important relationship you'll ever have is with you.
When I think about all of the regrets I've heard from adults over the
years, the biggest one always has to do with listening to everyone else
but themselves. Start early.  Make your own rules and follow them.  At the
end of your life, the only person you'll have to answer to is you.

4. Develop your "maverick muscle." Be willing to bend the rules, learn how
to disappoint others gracefully, get comfortable with people not liking
you, and always strive to be an original thinker.  I have a little sign in
my office that says:  No Guts, No Glory and I use it to remind me to go
against the grain as much as possible.

For those of you who like John Mayer, install this verse in your head.
It's from his song "No Such Thing":

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

5. Be practical.  The skills that will carry you the furthest through life
are your ability to communicate with others both in speaking and writing.
Commit to becoming an excellent communicator and success is yours for the
taking.  Also, think about the practical courses you might need later on.
I can assure you that some of the courses you've already taken - the ones
that you're sure you'll never need - will come in handy.

6. Build your courage muscles.  Starting tomorrow, practice doing one
small thing a day that frightens you.  Learn to water ski or finally ask
that guy or girl you've been eyeing to have dinner.  Small acts of courage
strengthen your ability to take even bigger leaps later on like deciding
to write your own book or backpack through Europe.  If you really want to
build your courage muscles, take a public speaking course.  It will not
only contribute to the last piece of advice (becoming an excellent
communicator), it's one of the fastest ways I know to build confidence and
self esteem.  Confident people rarely settle for less!

7. Don't go to the hardware store for milk.  When you're excited about
doing something or trying to make an important decision, make sure you
turn to those people who will encourage you to take a chance - the ones
who believe in you rather than those who will tell you why something won't
work.  Surround yourself with positive people - the kind of people who
challenge you to reach beyond your fear rather than play it safe.  There
will always be people telling you why an idea is risky, or why you can't
do something.  That advice is usually based on the mistakes they've made
or the chances they didn't because they were afraid.  But, always remember
this:  someone else's past doesn't equal your future.  When faced with a
naysayer, smile, say thank you, and turn around.  Stick with positive
people who believe in you.  Remember, if you needed milk, you wouldn't go
to the hardware store.  And by the way, you're mom was right.  You do
become who you hang around with.  Choose wisely.

8. Live by this mantra:  where there's a will, there's a way.  Don't give
up when things get hard.

9.  Keep your body sacred -  it's the only vehicle you have to carry you
on this journey called life.  If you smoke, quit.  If you don't, never
start.  Limit your alcohol consumption.  Aside from the physical and
practical dangers of drinking too much, one of the greatest detriments is
that alcohol numbs you just enough to make it easier to live a mediocre
life.  You deserve better than that.

10. Stay connected.  Your connection to technology, email and instant
messaging, will never replace your connection with those you love.  Every
now and then pick up the phone and call a friend, or visit a loved one
rather than send an email or an instant message.  Too often I've seen
technology draw a wedge between people.  Always remember that it's who we
love and who loves us that matters most at the end of our lives.

Finally, at the time you were born you were given an amazing gift - a gift
that most of us forget about as we grow older.  It's the power to design
your own unique life.  You are an artist.  The canvas is your life.  From
this moment on, take ownership of this gift and use it wisely.  If you do,
your life will become an extraordinary work of art.

Thanks, Cheryl! Congratulations to the class of 2012 (including my own daughter, Michaela)! Well done!

"Speak to us of Children"

"And a woman who held a babe against

her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from

you,

And though they are with you yet they

belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not

your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not

their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even

in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek

not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries

with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path

of the infinite, and He bends you with His

might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand

be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

(From The Prophet by Kahil Gibran)

A Mother's Love (Jim Brickman and Mark Masri)

http://youtu.be/g-Z9sXqr44s

Tainted "Love"

“Everyone suffers at least one bad betrayal in their lifetime. It’s what unites us. The trick is not to let it destroy your trust in others when that happens. Don’t let them take that from you.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Invincible

The Stranger (Billy Joel)
http://youtu.be/q6yQ14TGB8U

     Yesterday I had an "interesting" experience that as I have thought about since, and as I look back on it from this side of it, it could have been a very "scarey" experience - perhaps fatal. It involved helping someone in need. I didn't know this person and I was naive to the possible dangers that could have resulted from my trying to help. It wasn't until after I was safely home that I thought of what could have happened to me, or to my family, as a result of my "good intentions".

     I have had other similar experiences to this at times in my life, and sometimes I have gotten burned from helping someone else. For example, One time, thought I didn't know it at that time, I was enabling someone to feed their prescription drug addiction habit. I like to give people the "benefit of the doubt" and so, in my naive and innocent way, I was thinking I was helping them out when they needed a ride to a doctor's office or to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy. Often these requests would come at inconvenient times and take away from the needs of my own family. It wasn't until I was recovering from having a baby and received a phone call from this person asking me to take her to the doctor that the truth was made clear. I refused to do so, which then sparked a verbally insulting exchange. Suddenly, the light went on in my head and I realized what I had been doing. I felt betrayed and used. Others had tried to warn me, but I thought they were being judgmental and overreacting, and I was being "charitable".

     So, how do you discern the individuals who are sincerely "in need" and the "poser"? This is a really tricky one for me. My natural tendency is to be kind and want to help someone that I see someone who is seemingly in need. However, I have found that sometimes this is not always the best idea. I need to stop and think the situation through and work through possible scenarios in my mind of the possible consequences of taking on their situation before I get myself into it. I need to "build in a pause" and evaluate. As a Christian, it is a challenge for me to know when I should give service to another who might really be in need, or when not to help because I might be enabling a bad behavior or addiction. Sometimes the line becomes very, very fuzzy. One thing that I do try to do is to pray before I act in such a situation, trusting that God will warn me of any dangers. Another thing I try to do is to put my own needs and the needs of my family first. Sometimes I don't do this, and it is usually then that I get myself into sticky situations like yesterday (when I really needed to be home preparing a lesson for an activity and dinner for my family).

    I have pondered about these incidents before. One time, as I was pondering this dilemma, and I came across a quote that helped me to get a somewhat better idea about what direction to go when faced with this dilemma. It said something about erring on the side of generousity and charity - of helping and serving in a Christlike way. Then, if something happens you will know that you were innocently trying to "do the right thing" and will be blessed for it. The "curse" will be upon those who "despitefully use and persecute" you. That gave me some clarity, but I still feel kind of uncomfortable when I get myself into such situations, especially when I feel that my trust had been betrayed or that I have been used for unseeming measures.  When something like that happens to me I tend to pull away from and shun people for a while, just to get my balance and perspective back - get a "reality check" of sorts.

   I think the trick is like the quote at the top of this entry states: "The trick is not to let it destroy your trust in others when that happens. Don’t let them take that from you.” That is hard to do when you have been put in such difficult and dishonest situations. It is difficult to not get "tainted", bitter, angry and resentful. I think it is only human to do so, but the trick is to not let it be a permanent situation; to not be a victim twice and to try to continue to have an open, kind and loving heart and attitude even though it has been trampled on a bit. That being said, learn from the incident, and try not to get yourself back in the same situation again.  I have to remind myself  that I cannot control what another person does to themselves, but I can control what they do to me and how I choose to respond to their actions. That is my right as a human being. I try to remember what Jesus taught about loving our neighbor as ourselves - not in spite of ourselves; which I interpret to mean that I need to take care of myself and my family first, and others as I can and feel comfortable doing. I can love my neighbor, but I do not need to enable their bad behaviors.

     It can be difficult to know if such situations are a test of my integrity and level of charity, or a tactic Satan is using to try to destroy me. Satan can be very deceptive and I have to always be on my guard for his tactics. Sometimes I get tired and sometimes I get a little to prideful and, as I learned yesterday, the world can be a very scarey and unsure place. I need to constantly be vigilant about protecting the things that are the most important to me - my life, my health, my safety, my family, my time, my resources - and my heart.

Tainted Love (Soft Cell)
http://youtu.be/7rik7xV7Tj4

Another Mother's Day....

“All that I am, or hope to be,

I owe to my angel mother”

-Abraham Lincoln"

Because You Loved Me (Celine Dion)

http://youtu.be/VMCTpQYqDLI

        May and Mother's Day always brings me back to memories of my own mother, and of course, memories of my experiences as a mother. Each year as Mother's Day approaches I brace myself for an onslaught of bitterweet memories and emotions. Admittedly, Mother's Day is not my favorite holiday. I miscarried my second child around Mother's Day 1989. I was about 11 1/2 weeks into my pregnancy when the symptoms began. It was a painful and traumatic experience for me both physically and mentally. I was living approximately 2000 miles away from my own mother, and at a time like that, that was who I wanted more than anything to be by my side. On Mother's Day that year well meaning friends and acquaintances tiptoed around me, not knowing quite what to say about the "elephant in the room". Thanks to caring and understanding friends and a loving husband, I made it through, but not without a few tears. As traumatic as this experience was though, it did help me to have empathy for and know how to console a dear friend who later experienced the same thing.

     My mother and I were able to spend Mother's Day 2000 together in my home. Unfortunately, on May 12, 2001 I received the phone call that my Mother was dying, it was the Saturday before Mother's Day. I arrived "home" early in the morning of Mother's Day 2001 and spent that day with my Mother, Father and siblings in the hospital as she lay dying. She was still coherent that day, but the Monday following (which I was also priviledged to spend with her) she was in and out of consciousness. She passed away on the morning of Tuesday, May 15. At her funeral service my cousin sang a medley of Mother's Day songs, and I played her favorite piece of music - "Somewhere, My Love" - on the piano. She loved to hear me play that song and would comment on it as I played it when I would visit home.

      At the top of this blog entry is a picture of my mother and my siblings, my older brother and my older sister (sorry Karen and Kim). I think I must have been about 3 in this picture. I really don't remember. I discovered this picture in a large box of slides that I inherited from my parent's home. After my father died in 2005, I became the designated family historian. In the six years since then, I have had the priviledge of going through many papers, photographs and slides the have given me brief snapshots into my parent's life. My mother lived with a Rheumatic heart condition, enduring 5 different open heart surgeries throughout her lifetime. She was a remarkable woman. My father was an equally remarkable and compassionate man. He stood by her side through all 5 of her surgeries and subsequent recoveries. They are my role models for showing unconditional love and support.

     During one of Mother's last heart surgeries, she suffered a slight stroke which effected her long-term memory, so for Christmas 2000 my father asked each of her children to write up some of their memories of their childhood for her. I took the time to reminisce and write them down for her and sent them along with a note of gratitude for all that she did for me. I also included the lyrics to the song that is posted at the beginning of this blog entry. We didn't always see everything "eye to eye", but the bottom line was (as I found out posthumously) we loved each other. How thankful I am that I took the time to do write those things down, not only so that my mother could remember, but so that I could remember too. Those memories have become more meaningful as I have worked through the grief of this loss. There is nothing quite as difficult as a child losing their mother, no matter how old they are.

    I find that each year, around Mother's Day, I must take some time to remember - remember my mother and remember the good times we shared together. Isn't it interesting how those are the times that stand out the most in the long run. I'm not sure I miss her any less as the years go by, but the memories seem to become softer and sweeter with time. This year my youngest daughter will be graduating from High School in May, another bittersweet memory of May - but that is for a later blog entry, so stay tuned. I guess the bottom line is that no matter how old we get, we still want our mothers to kiss away the "owies", give us a hug and tell us everything will be alright - especially on the days when we wonder if it will be. I miss my mother everyday, but especially on Mother's Day. "Mom, I will remember you, and I will always love you." I think that is what every mother wants to hear.

    "Someday, we'll meet again, my love.

Someday, whenever the Spring breaks through.

You'll come to me out of the long ago....

'Til then my sweet, think of me now and then.

God speed my love 'til you are mine again."

Somewhere My Love (Ray Conniff and the Singers -from Dr. Zhivago)

http://youtu.be/z7GGJUHpUt0