If I Only Had Today

If I Only Had Today by Hilary Weeks
http://youtu.be/4AkEP31aZTY

It seems like I've watched a million sunsets
And stared at a thousand full moons
Sometimes it feels like I've been here forever
And sometimes it all feels brand new

I could never count the heartbeats
From the day I was born until now
But not a single one goes unnoticed
By Him who breathes life in me somehow

But if there were no more tomorrows
If I kew that I could not stay
I know how I'd spend every moment
If I only had today

I'd hold you and listen
And I'd let the dishes sit in the sink
I'd tell you I loved you over and over
And for once I'd just let the phone ring
Then I'd remind you of forever
And how our love would never change
If I only had today

I'd wake up before the sun did
And I'd watch as you quietly sleep
I'd pray for time to move slowly
Knowing the moment won't keep

All the gifts that Heaven had given
Every blessing that's come my way
Wouldn't mean anything without you
So if I only had today

I'd hold you and listen
I'd memorize every detail of your face
I'd tell you I loved you over and over
I wouldn't let excuses get in the way
Then I'd remind you of forever
And how our love would never change
If I only had today

There's no time like the present
Life doesn't come with any guarantees
The sun will set and time won't wait

So while I have today

I'll hold you and listen
I'll let the dishes sit in the sink
I'll tell you I love you over and over
For once I'll just let the phone ring
And I'll remind you of forever
And how our live will never change
Because I have today

Ghosts - Learning to let go of the past

Ghosts (Dan Fogelberg)

http://youtu.be/J1hGidVkigI

"Sometimes in the night I feel it
Near as my next breath and yet untouchable
Silently the past comes stealing like the taste of some forbidden sweet

Along the walls in shadowed rafters
Moving like a thought through haunted atmospheres
Muted cries and echoed laughter

Banished dreams that never sank in sleep
Lost in love and found in reason
Questions that the mind can find no answers for

Ghostly eyes conspire treason as they gather just outside the door
And every ghost that calls upon us brings another measure in the mystery
Death is there to keep us honest and constantly remind us we are free

Down the ancient corridors, through the gates of time
Run the ghosts of days that we've left behind
Down the ancient corridors, through the gates of time
Run the ghosts of dreams that we left behind

Sometimes in the night I feel it
Near as my next breath and yet untouchable
Silently the past comes stealing like the taste of some forbidden sweet

And every ghost that calls upon us brings another measure in the mystery
Death is there to keep us honest and constantly remind us we are free
Down the ancient corridors and through the gates of time

Run the ghosts of days that we've left behind
Down the ancient corridors and through the gates of time
Run the ghosts of dreams that we left behind"



Let's be honest, we all have "ghosts" in our lives. Past relationships, bad experiences, poor choices, mistakes - that come back to haunt us some days.  Memories of past mistakes, losses and grief, major paradiem shifts that felt more like a "life quake" than a mere "shift". So, how do you deal with them, make them manageable? Sometimes I've cried. Sometimes I've screamed. Sometimes I've prayed. Sometimes I've chosen to be angry.

But what I find that works the best for me is to forgive. At times it has felt so counterintuitive. I want to revive those "ghosts" and relive and rehash the events, mostly trying to just make some sense of what happened. The "how" the "why" the "what if". I've analyzed (probably over-analyzed and overthought, knowing me), and I've mentally flogged myself over and over again for being so naive and stupid. But what good does that do? It just reopens the wounds. Yes, the scars are there and always will be, but what good does "reopening the wounds" and reliving the past do? It means having to heal over again, and again and again? And who has the energy or the time for that?!

What I've learned through much anger, pain and suffering is that if I can see myself and others as human and fallable, I am better able to forgive myself (and others) and let go of the "ghosts" from my past. Mistakes were made, bad things happened, feelings were hurt and I can't undo the past. But, I can choose to not let what happened in the past dictate how I will decide to live the rest of my life. Reviving these "ghosts" from the past over and over just keeps me from enjoying the present and the future. It saps my energy, it hinders me from feeling happiness and joy, and it keeps me from fulfilling my fullest potential.  Jesus taught that we should "forgive those who trespass against us". He taught that we should "love thy neighbor as thyself", not instead of thyself.   Isn't that what the Atonement of Jesus Christ was for? To let Him handle what we can't (and don't need to anymore?) "We are free" to choose. Forgive self, forgive others who knowingly (and sometimes unknowingly) have hurt us, or hold on to the pain and anger and continue to be victimized, to be miserable and to make those around us equally miserable.

"If you keep carry that anger it'll eat you up inside.... I've been trying to get down to The Heart of the Matter because the flesh will get weak and the ashes seem to scatter. So I'm thinking about forgiveness, forgiveness, even if you don't love me."

The Heart of the Matter (Don Henley)

http://youtu.be/ncF6q3QeltU

Vision: The Road Not Taken

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens."

~ Carl Jung, psychologist

Nether Lands by Dan Fogelberg
http://youtu.be/ePrQFaB50w0

The first time I heard this song I thought of the poem "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. It is a favorite of mine.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

There have been times in my life when I have "stood at a fork in the road" and had to decide which road I was going to take. Should I play it safe and take the road that was the most "well traveled", and follow the crowd? Or should I take the "one less traveled" that seemed to lead to something unchartered, unknown and even a little bit scarey - but somehow just felt right. Admittedly, I have take some of both, but the roads that I feel I have learned and grown the most were the "one(s) less traveled by". I have tried to listen to and trust my feelings and my heart. I have chosen to "look inside", to pray and listen for what my heart and mind feels is right, and then take an action that followed those feelings. Sometimes the ends of those roads were more obvious when I started out at the beginning than others. But by making the "harder choices", by choosing "the road not taken", I have learned (and am still learning) to trust my instincts, trust myself, and trust in God and His plan for me - and that brings me peace. Sometimes the hardest part is the deciding, but once the decision is made and I feel peace then I could move forward with confidence and "my vision became my release". "When you learn to trust yourself, then you will know how to live" (Goethe) - "and that has made all the difference".

Living Each Moment

 "The spirit is an area of growth most of us set aside, half hoping the day will come when some soul-stretching peak experience will lift us out of the ordinary consciousness for a glimpse of the sacred and eternal. But we have to prepare our consciousness for taking such a path. We need to change the way we measure time and to relax our insistence on control .... Instead of focusing on the time running out, it should be a daily exercise ....to mark the moment. The present never ages. Each moment is like a snowflake, unique, unspoiled, unrepeatable, and can be appreciated in its surprisingness....If every day is an awakening, you will never grow old. You will just keep growing." - Gail Sheehy from the book New Passages

Too often I get so caught up in the demands of my busy schedule and what I think has to be done by a certain deadline, that I lose sight of why I'm doing what I'm doing in the first place! I try to force the changes that I see need to be made. I try to control the uncontrollable. I call it the "spoiled child syndrome" aka "I want it and I want it now!" I'm learning that sometimes the timing just isn't right yet for everything to fall into place. But, when I try to "be still", "let go and let God handle it", and when the timing is right,everything does fall in to place, and it's grand and surprising and inspiring! This keeps me going and moving forward. It's that shot in the arm I need to keep going, to keep trying. It gives me hope. Sometimes I wish I was better at "marking the moment" and enjoying each moment of each day. Like Gail says, "Each moment is like a snowflake, unique, unspoiled, unrepeatable, and can be appreciated in its surprisingness." I want to be able to look at my every day as an awakening and just keep growing. Grow, or die.

To the Morning 

http://youtu.be/RxClQ_pInzc

Watching the sun...watching it come
Watching it come up over the rooftops
Cloudy and warm...maybe a storm
You can never quite tell from the morning

(Chorus)
And it's going to be a day
There is really no way to say no to the morning
Yes it's going to be a day
There is really nothing left to say but come on morning

Waiting for mail
Maybe a tale from an old friend or even a lover
Sometimes there's none
But we have fun thinking of all who might have written

(Chorus)

And maybe there are seasons
And maybe they change
And maybe to love is not so strange

The sounds of the day
Now they hurry away
Now they are gone until tomorrow
When day will break and you will wake
And you will rake your hands across your eyes and realize
That it's going to be a day
There is really no way to say no to the morning
Yes it's going to be a day
There is really nothing left to say but come on morning

And maybe there are seasons and maybe they change
And maybe to love is not so strange

"I wrote this (in the summer of 1970) when I was 18 years old. This was the first song that made me think I might actually make a living as a songwriter. I still find it a special piece to perform." (Dan Fogelberg)

"To The Morning" the first song on Dan Fogelbergs first album "Home Free" (released 1972), began with strings, sustaining a hauntingly beautiful chord which faded into the song "To The Morning"; a song of hope invoking the day with the lyric, "There is really nothing left to say but 'come on, morning.'"
To The Morning (Lyrics)

My "life journey theme song"

As anyone that knows me well well knows, I am a musical person. Music speaks to my soul. I have played the piano for over 40 years, taught lessons for over 20. There have been songs along the way that have truly resonated with me (I'm certain you will see references to them many times in my future blogs).  Some speak of a feeling, a moment in time or a thought that I was unable to express, but some creative, talented lyricist can and does. This song, Icarus Ascending, is probably (at least for my life since age 40) my life journey theme song. The lyricist, Dan Fogelberg, wrote so eloquently my view of my life at this point in time. When I need an inspiration or an uplift, this is what I listen to. Thank you, Dan Fogelberg, may you rest in peace.

You can view a video presentation of this song at: http://youtu.be/Bu0opE8-MvE


Icarus Ascending
Written by Dan Fogelberg
from his Full Circle Album, 2003

Soaring alone upon a threatening wind
Just fix your eyes on the horizon
Cut off from everything you’ve known or have been
I shouldn’t think it’s so surprisin’
Spiraling upward on a freshening lift
Reaching the realms of fleet Apollo
You have been given the most sacred of gifts
You must be fearless now and follow

(Chorus)
Don’t look down
Though your heart may be weary
Don’t look down
Though your wings are on fire
 Don’t look down
Though the night may seem endless
There’s a reason you’re flying this fast and this far
Let your faith be your strength
And your love be your guiding star

Venturing further than the length of your sight
Out past the reach of your beginnings
There is a gamble in each proud act of flight
But the losses pale before the winnings
Circling and diving with this freedom you’ve found
Illusion blows apart and scatters
There is no darkness in this place that we're bound
Love is the only thing that matters

Repeat Chorus
Up.....up.....up.....up.....


Dan Fogelberg reflecting on "Icarus Ascending" from Full Circle, 2003

"This is the high water mark of this record for me. This is one of the most recent, a very important song to me as a songwriter. It's a statement of my personal philosophy of being an artist. It does give hope for those who are willing to plumb the depths of individualism in any endeavor, in any art. The gift of art is an incredible blessing from the creator. I believe that. It's not an easy life, not a popular choice to make if you want to be everybody's friend. You have to listen to that unwavering voice that says, 'You're special, but it's not going to be easy.' It will be very difficult, but if you choose to pursue it unfailingly, I believe you will be greatly rewarded in a way people who are not given this creative spark will ever understand. It's perhaps as close as I will ever come to really expressing my core philosophy. I'm not talking financial here, but spiritual rewards. Many great artists never realized financial rewards. This is a song to those artists, more than someone like me, who has had every reward I can possibly think of. So many great artists struggled all their lives and will never see the perks. This song says you have to have enormous courage to follow the muse and that's Icarus. The Greek story is one of the great stories of optimism and foolishness, that he would make wax wings to fly to the sun. But as an artist you've got to be fearless and keep flying to the sun even though you know you might crash. ' There is a gamble in each proud act of flight' is one of the best lines I've ever written."

Why "Now I Become Myself" and the Mobius Strip

The day I turned 50 years old the title of a poem came into my head. I had read it some time ago in my Life Journey class at school. It was referenced by Parker Palmer, along with the Mobius strip analogy (more on that later).  The title, "Now I Become Myself". The author, May Sarton. It was written in 1950.

Now I Become Myself - written by May Sarton in 1950

 Now I become myself. It's taken

Time, many years and places;

I have been dissolved and shaken,

Worn other people's faces,

Run madly, as if Time were there,

Terribly old, crying a warning,

"Hurry, you will be dead before—"

(What? Before you reach the morning?

Or the end of the poem is clear?

Or love safe in the walled city?)

Now to stand still, to be here,

Feel my own weight and density!

The black shadow on the paper

Is my hand; the shadow of a word

As thought shapes the shaper

Falls heavy on the page, is heard.

All fuses now, falls into place

From wish to action, word to silence,

My work, my love, my time, my face

Gathered into one intense

Gesture of growing like a plant.

As slowly as the ripening fruit

Fertile, detached, and always spent,

Falls but does not exhaust the root,

So all the poem is, can give,

Grows in me to become the song,

Made so and rooted by love.

Now there is time and Time is young.

O, in this single hour I live

All of myself and do not move.

I, the pursued, who madly ran,

Stand still, stand still, and stop the sun!

_________________________________________

This poem resonated with me, as did the Mobius Strip. It is an excellent analogy for the way that I would like to view my life.

The Mobius Strip

The message becomes clear:
“Whatever is inside us continually flows outward to help form, or deform, the world–and whatever is outside us continually flows inward to help form, or deform, our lives.  The Mobius strip is like life itself:  here, ultimately, there is only one reality.”

There is no place to hide. “We are constantly engaged in a seamless exchange between whatever is “out there” and whatever is “in here,” participating in the creation of reality, for better or for worse.”
Understanding this has helped me to purge a lot more “out there” so that I can enrich and simplify what is going on “in here.”

As  T.S. Eliot suggested:
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

From Your Soul’s Journey to Wholeness by Parker J. Palmer, Spirituality & Health , September/October 2004
A Möbius strip made with a piece of paper and tape. If an ant were to crawl along the length of this strip, it would return to its starting point having traversed every part of the strip without ever crossing an edge. "to be or to do" (Elder Lynn G. Robbins)? The inner and outer need to connect much like a mobius strip in order to avoid hypocrisy. I love this analogy.

The inner life and the outer life, that are so interconnected, display who we really are and what we both give and take from the world(s) in which we live. Oh how I wish there was not hypocrisy, no disconnect between the two. I am learning to "become myself" and to be my true self as I make this journey of my life on the mobius strip.