Change of Heart



Change of Heart (Jim Brickman and Olivia Newton John)
http://youtu.be/_n4rzwX_GUA

     I have had lots of time to think about my life lately because of my current life circumstances. I wonder if this might be the reason why God has placed some of the challenges in my path of late. I feel I am at a crossroad in my life. I look behind and see my life as a child and as a parent and all that went with that, and look before me and see what life might bring in the future. I see that I am at a pivotal and critical time in my life choices. I have read about this time in a woman's life and how that sometimes feelings and emotions that have often been suppressed for years tend to surface. I find that I just can't "stuff it" or shove them back underground like I have done for many years. At times it feels like I am riding an emotional roller coaster and I don't know how to get off!

     Some days are more manageable than others. For example, I recently had an experience that brought to the surface a character weakness of mine that I thought I had conquered years ago! It seems that as life cycles around and around, hopefully spiraling upward, that at some times these situations come back to haunt me and need to be re-addressed and dealt with. I find this to be especially true if it is an issue that I "stuffed" or shoved aside earlier in my life journey because for whatever reason I didn't want to deal with it then. With this particular weakness I have felt embarrassed or ashamed about it because it was not what "good girls" are supposed to feel. But I am finding that if the issues haven't been dealt with in a productive and healing way the first time around, they resurface later on at vulnerable times in my life and demand to be dealt with then. Such is the nature of my latest revelation.

   It is a hard thing to see your weakness put blatantly in front of your face, and then realize that you aren't who you thought you were or who you would like to be. It certainly isn't very flattering or positive. It is also difficult to realize I cannot "fix" this by myself because I have tried - over and over again. The habit track of reacting this way is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that I'm not even sure where to start to fix it. But "they" say that recognition is the first step to healing it, so I think I am on the right track so far. It will take some time, prayer and patience to work through this and hopefully overcome it, eventually turning it into a character strength. I believe that with God all things are possible, but I also feel like "Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief". I know it will take a leap of faith and trust in an all wise and knowing God in order to be able to turn this over to him and allow him to "fix" it. This is a hard thing for us "control freaks" to do, but I am so tired of dealing with this one that I am willing to try. It has disrupted my peace of mind and sucked the joy out of my life for the last time! It is time to "let go and let God". Time to surrender. I have to fight the urge to retain any part of it because if I do that I will never be free from it.

      So maybe this crossroad in my life journey, this point in time, really is about me after all. Maybe it's finally my turn to work some of this out and decide who I want to be and how I want to live the rest of my life. What a revelation! The trick for me will be allowing myself permission to take this time for me to figure it all out. I have taken care of everyone else but me for so long, this feels pretty selfish, scarey and overwhelming right now. I feel like a bird whose mother has just pushed her out of the nest and said fly - but without any instructions.

     Yesterday I "found" a necklace with a circular charm with the word "Greatness" engraved on it. Lying on top of the circle is another charm, a gold star. The card to which it was attached said: "The pursuit of Greatness is always daring, and calls forth our True potential. Never underestimate Your power for greatness. Wear this pendant as a symbol that greatness lives within you."  I may make some mistakes along the way, but I also know that I have to try, otherwise I will stagnate and die. Grow or die, it seems like I have heard (and said) that before. I will discover "what lies within" me and under God's watchful eye  - I will fly.

It's My Turn (Diana Ross)
http://youtu.be/veJl__sjDt4

Phoenix

Broken

Take Me There (Hilary Weeks)

There is a place where every teardrop that falls is counted

And every piece of the heart that's been broken is put back together

A place where healing begins

And the hurting ends

Take me there

I'm ready to go

'Cause I can't carry this by myself anymore

Wrap me up

Hold me tight in Mercy's arms

Let Your sweet peace

Pour over me

And heal my soul

On the wings of this prayer

Take me there

There is a place where the past doesn't cast any shadows

Where love fills the corners of the heart and little by little

Dreams dare to be dreamed again

But only the broken know the way there

'Cause they've walked Redemption's road

Take me there

I'm ready to go

'Cause I can't carry this by myself anymore

Wrap me up

Hold me tight in Mercy's arms

Let Your sweet peace

Pour over me

And heal my soul

On the wings of this prayer

Take me there

I need Your name

I need Your grace

Oh to lead me to that place

Please take me to the place

Where You can heal my heart

Where You can heal my soul

Where You can heal me

Take me there

I'm ready to go

'Cause I can't carry this by myself anymore

Wrap me up

Hold me tight in Mercy's arms

Let Your sweet peace

Pour over me

And heal my soul

On the wings of this prayer

Take me there

     I have felt broken for a long, long time. This broken feeling goes back many years and through many different life experiences. Little by little pieces of my life have broken apart and along with them, so have pieces of my heart. Sometimes it was due to a loss of a loved one, sometimes it was due to a life change or a difficult life experience - all of which have chipped away at my heart and soul and have made me feel broken. I am starting to have a better understanding of the meaning of the words "a broken heart and a contrite spirit", and I have wondered if I would ever feel whole again.

    One night, not to long ago, I laid awake, once again unable to turn down the noise in my head so I could sleep. I tried clearing my thoughts. I tried deep breathing techniques I had learned. I went through the mental check list: was I hungry? cold? hot? uncomfortable? All answers were no. I was so frustrated. I knew I had a big day ahead of me and I needed my rest. As I laid there the thought came to me, "I just feel so broken". I wanted to cry. Instead, I decided to say a little prayer and ask God for some help in being able to relax and go to sleep. In my head I heard the words to the above Hilary Weeks song, particularly the lines "But only the broken know the way there/'Cause they've walked Redemption's road". I fought to remember where I had heard that line, and then I remembered the song. Then the rest of the song came to me, just like a lullaby, and lulled me into a restful sleep.

    That night I  felt broken, but I learned that:

    This experience was proof to me that God is there for me, that He knows me and how to succor me, that "God loves broken me", and that if I let God, he will do the mending. "Praise His name, my God loves broken things".

Broken (Kenneth Cope)

http://youtu.be/KAjkRkF2yEs



"March Madness"



Unwell (Matchbox 20)

http://youtu.be/t_TL9YFemic

     Doesn't the month of March just drive you mad?! One day it can be sunny, clear and warm, and the next day it can be a blizzard! When one is already suffering from cabin fever after months of being cooped up indoors, the ups and downs of schetzophrenic weather can drive a person crazy!!! Add to this an extended cold and flu season and it can really put one over the top. Enough already!

    Spring really is just around the corner, all you have to do is hold on for a few more weeks. Soon we will be able to get out into the great outdoors again and dig in that garden or walk around the block without fear of slipping and falling. In the meantime why not try taking a "Spring Break" by enjoying a few simple things that will help to make the shortening days even shorter. Here are a few suggestions that might just put a little "spring" back into your step:

    1. Just in time for Spring cleaning, rearrange the furniture! Why not try rearranging and/or sprucing up the furniture in one of your rooms. This need not cost you a dime if you use what you already have! Start by sketching a floor plan of the room you want to change and lay it out on paper first. Get creative and rethink how you might re-purpose something that you already own. Could that old vase be used as to hold a new Spring scented candle? Could I put a floral cover or pillow case over a throw pillow to give it a new look? It's time to put away the wool blankets and bring out the pastel colored throws. Spritz a Spring floral scent around the room to bring some cheer. Open up the curtains and/or blinds and let the sunshine in! (Just try to ignore the dirty windows).

     2. Listen to those sounds of Summer! Pull out the old Beach Boys albums, turn up Sheryl Crow and "Soak Up the Sun" and blast them while you do a dance! The exercise will make you feel better.

    3. Watch a Summer movie! Lay down some beach towels on the floor and watch "Mama Mia",  "Somewhere in Time" or some other movie that emits warm memories of summers gone by and warms your heart. Have a picnic with summer foods on the living room floor, eat some berries and/or watermelon and imagine escaping into a warm Summer day.

     4. Take a Spring Break trip to the Library! There is no better escape than a good book (well, except maybe a trip to Hawaii....but that's not always possible). Go and explore what's available at the local library and you will be amazed the many "place" you can "go". Borrow a travel video to some exotic place and "take a trip". Escape to a tropical paradise from the comfort of your own home. While you are at the Library why not pick up a cookbook of recipes that are native to the travel location in the video. Try fixing some new foods and let your sense of taste travel abroad.

     5. Bring a little Spring indoors! Purchase some Spring flowers and display them strategically around your home. If you are allergic or - as in my case, your pet likes to eat them - use artificial flowers. Your eyes can't tell the difference, just your nose (and cat) can! You will be amazed how much a bouquet will brighten a room and your disposition. Think Spring - daisies, tulips, hyacinths, daffodils!

       6. Visit an indoor botanical garden! It's butterfly season and many of the indoor gardens have special exhibits that involve the hatching and emerging of butterflies. What a great way to welcome a sign of Spring! Purchase some decorations with butterflies on them and display them around your home. The butterfly represents flight, freedom, and creative thinking - all three of which we could use in a March full of madness!

         You don't have to have a lot of money to "get away" and have a "Spring Break". According to Sheryl Crow,  "it's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got" that makes the difference. So, go "soak up the sun" - while it's still free! 

Soak Up the Sun (Sheryl Crow)

http://youtu.be/_8czkKRGPVQ

Cheers!



My All-Time Oscar Picks!

The Way We Were (Barbra Streisand)

http://youtu.be/1Yrd6caXygw

     I didn't watch the Academy Awards this year, but I did see some of the movies that were nominated for the awards (loved Les Miserables) There has been so much "Oscar" buzz this past month that I thought it might be fun to make up my own list of favorite movies and post it here. AMC has been showing the winners from past years throughout the month of February, and it has been fun to see some of the old ones again and reminisce. I was surprised at how many I had actually seen! My mother was a bit of a movie musical fan, and she exposed me to many of those during my childhood. I have to admit, this is one of my favorite movie genre and so few are made anymore. Next to that I would have to choose the romantic comedy as a favorite. So, here is my list of  "must see in your lifetime" movies. Check below the "Academy Award Winners" list for my picks of great movies that did not win Academy Awards, but are worth watching anyway. Enjoy, and don't forget to bring the popcorn!

Academy Award Winners include:

1940 - Gone With the Wind - Vivian Leigh and Clark Gable - timeless

1944 - Casablanca - Humphrey Bogart!

1952 - An American in Paris - Gene Kelley - the best dancer ever! 

1957 - Around the World in 80 Days - a grand adventure

1958 - Bridge on the River Kwai - lots of excitement and explosions

1960 - Ben Hur - Charleton Heston! 

1962 - West Side Story - Natalie Wood

1965 - My Fair Lady - Audrey Hepburn and Rex Harrison - yes! 

1966 - The Sound of Music - Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer!

1967 - A Man for All Seasons - Sir Thomas Moore!

1968 - In the Heat of the Night - Sidney Portier

1969 - Oliver! "You want more!!!"

1974 - The Sting - Yes, Robert Redford and Paul Newman on the same screen!

1977 - Rocky - Gonna Fly Now!

1983 - Gandhi - long, but Ben Kingsley is brilliant as Gandhi.

1984 - Terms of Endearment - bring out an extra box of tissue for this one - sniff, sniff

1990 - Driving Miss Daisy - sweet movie

1991 - Dances with Wolves - Kevin Costner.

2004 - The Lord of the Rings, Return of the King - of course!

My Oscar Picks include:

Funny Girl - Barbra Streisand and Omar Shariff

On Golden Pond - Henry Fonda, Jane Fonda and Katherine Hepburn

Sleepless in Seattle - Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks

You've Got Mail - also Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks

Hello Dolly - with Barbra Streisand 

Mame - Lucille Ball

Singin' In The Rain - Gene Kelly, Donald O'Connor and Debbie Reynolds

The Unsinkable Molly Brown - also with Debbie Reynolds

Flower Drum Song

South Pacific

Brigadoon

The King and I

Annie - though I must admit, I like the play better.

Les Miserables - with Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, Russell Crowe, etc.

The Muppet Movie - the Rainbow Connection, Kermit and Miss Piggy, of course! 

The Jazz Singer - for the Neil Diamond Music

Somewhere In Time - Christopher Reeves and Jane Seymour at the Grand Hotel!

Kate and Leopold

Serendipity

Pride and Prejudice

Star Wars - all, of course

Harry Potter Series

White Christmas

Miracle on 34th Street - Dylan McDermott and Elizabeth Perkins - "A baby brother, see ya!"

Fried Green Tomatoes - "Towanda!"

Superman - Christopher Reeves

The Other Side of the Mountain - the Jill Kinmont Story

The Slipper and the Rose - Richard Chamberlain with the cleft in his chin.

The Natural - Robert Redford

The Robe

P.S. I Love You - tissues, please

The Blind Side

The Theme from "Star Wars"

http://youtu.be/Jwu4S996VZI

When You Have Your Health....

Every Breath You Take (The Police)

http://youtu.be/_wsMEj2ZfW8

     "They" say that when you have your health you have everything. My recent bout with a nasty virus has caused me to ponder on this truth. It all started with some congestion in my chest and some slight wheezing. The weather was changing abruptly - again - so I just thought it was my body trying to adjust to the barometric pressure shift. Twenty-four hours later I felt like I had been hit by a truck! After many days and hours of rest, pumping Coldeze, Sambucol, Luden's Cherry Flavored cough drops and eventually some Theraflu (at night so I could finally sleep) into my system, and watching way too many hours of television, I have survived. This experience has given me a new appreciation for good health. This morning, after more than a week, I could actually take a deep breath without coughing, and I finally had a good night's sleep! Life is good!

    It has been a long time since I was this ill. I have had other health challenges within the past year or so, but this one seemed to be the one that tried my patience the most. There is definitely a mind/body connection when it comes to one's health.  There is nothing quite as unsettling as feeling like you have little control over your health and what is happening inside of your body or your mind. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to live with a chronic illness or disease every day of one's life. It must be very difficult to endure and remain positive and upbeat. I'll admit it, I am not a good sick person. In fact, one of my greatest fears is that I will lose my health, but still keep my mind and will. (I secretly hope that if I lose one I will also lose the other). To add to it, the side effects of the over-the-counter medications are worse than the illness is for me, so this is why I usually choose to take the homeopathic ones over the pharmaceutical company brands, if at all possible. 

     The past few months of health challenges have also caused me to re-evaluate the importance of taking better care of myself. I am certainly not getting any younger, and apparently not a lot healthier either. I think it is past time for me to get my act together and start doing something more about it. I just hope I am not too late to make the necessary changes for a better, healthier me. I know that I will be limited at this time in my life as to what type of exercise I will be able to do, especially considering my back/leg/knee/ankle issues. I used to bike much more frequently than I have the past few years and I always enjoyed it, but the added weight and joint issues have kept me from participating.  I could return to that but would most likely need to "graduate" to a recumbent bike due to my back and leg issues. Swimming is another healthy option. However, I am not a very good swimmer and I really dislike smelling of chlorine, not to mention how dry my skin gets and (gulp) the thought of putting a bathing suit on this out-of-shape body and being seen in public! I used to participate in a water exercise class and I really liked it, perhaps that would be a good place to start again, if my leg and knee can take the motion and jarring. If not, there is always Yoga - great exercises for the mind and body connections.

     My mother used to say that growing old was not all it was cracked up to be. "The golden years, aren't so golden". Aging is certainly not for sissys or the faint of heart. Sometimes one just has to set aside one's pride and take the plunge (no pun intended) and jump in with both feet. I have not felt as good as I could and should at this stage of my life. I haven't been as happy as I have been at times when I have taken better care of myself. I hope it is not too late to start over. It is time to start doing some research and focus on taking care of me - my body with physical exercise, my mind with learning new things, my soul. Since they are all connected perhaps if I start taking care of the one - the body - I will be better able to take care of the rest. It is also time to start accepting that I will never be as young as I was nor as old as I will be. The place to start is here, the time to start is now. 

Suddenly I See (KT Tunstall)

http://youtu.be/QrbO-Tw-mEY

(my apologies for the expletive - I didn't write it, I just used it ;-))

     

An Examined Life

"An unexamined life is not worth living"
- Socrates

February Song (Josh Groban)

http://youtu.be/qEKrPID-PeI

    I have a ritual that I have been doing since February 2006. There is something about losing one's parents that brings to the forefront the reality of ones mortality. So, in February 2006, I decided that I needed to write my autobiography. I think this was a response, in part, to the fact that I had just lost my last parent and I was trying to make some sense of my life. Now every February, usually around my birthday, I try to update this autobiography with details of the previous year. 

    Another factor that contributed to my decision to doing this autobiography, was the fact that neither of my parents left much of a personal history for me and my siblings, nor therefore, our posterity. My parents were wonderful people, real people. They had their share (well, maybe more than their share) of sorrow and challenges, as well as joy and happiness. They lived rich, full lives and I felt like my children would never have the opportunity to really know them or about them unless I did something about it. These feelings later led to my organizing and writing each of their biographies for our family members. That was no small task. I had to put together their stories from bits and pieces of materials and information they left behind. I did my best to put the pieces of their lives together, but it would have been SO much easier if they had either done it themselves or allowed one of us to help them do it while they were still living. There were so many questions I would have liked to be able to ask them about certain events, places and people in their lives. Some questions still remain and will forever remain unanswered. 

     As part of my motivation to write this year I decided to dig into some old photographs of myself and my family. These photos have been sitting in a box in my closet for about thirteen years. I was determined I was going to make a dent in sorting through them and organizing them into some kind of an album or scrap book. My intentions were really noble, but the reality proved to be something much different. We are not the best at taking pictures of events throughout the year, but we are really good at taking pictures on birthdays and at Christmas time. Therefore, a lot of the pictures I started working through were of Christmases past. As I began looking at them I was quite shocked at what came to my attention.  When I looked at the pictures of the Christmas just prior to my mother's death in 2000, and the pictures of the Christmas in 2005, just after my father's death, the contrast of the look on my face and my demeanor between the two photos was so stark and so contrasting that it took my breath away. The look of grief on my face was obvious, and I felt that old familiar lump begin to rise in my throat. I simply could not, at that time, continue to sort through the photos. I had to put them aside for another day and another time.

      This experience has caused me to stop and think about who I was then and who I am now, and about the journey that has led me to this place. I saw the innocence and the joy on my face as I had opened a special gift from my mother that Christmas of 2000, before she died. It was a clock like "barometer of my husband's moods" that had hung on her wall ever since I could remember. On our trip to their home earlier that year I had expressed my desire to have that item when she died, and she had decided to gift it to me for that Christmas. Did she somehow know what would happen to her in just a few months? Needless to say, it is one of my most precious possessions. Fast forward 5 years to the Christmas following my father's death. He had died about a month earlier and the look of heavy grief and anguish was written all over my face. 

     Much has happened in our family since those Christmases of not-so-long ago. Time has moved on amazingly fast, and we with it. Children have grown up and moved on, and our family has grown larger with the addition of two in-laws. We have had much to celebrate over the past few years. Still, as I approach each February I always get that tug at my heart to revisit my life story and examine my life over the past year. It just seems to help me to get a perspective and to realize my blessings and just how important it is to not take anything for grandid; and to chose to live my life fully and mindfully. Sometimes I get fearful and restless, wondering what is next along my path. I get fearful of the future and what challenges might or do lie ahead. Restless about what new adventure is just around the bend. But when I look back, I am always thankful for the blessing of having lived one more year, one more day. My hope is that someday when my children look at my life story they will see someone of whom they can be proud to call theirs, someone who met her challenges with grace, dignity, courage and faith and trust in God. 

This One's For You (A song Barry Manilow wrote for his deceased grandfather, who started him on his journey to becoming a musical legend.)

 http://youtu.be/wLeNzA1OIcM

We Dreamers Have Our Ways....

I Made It Through the Rain (Barry Manilow)
http://youtu.be/wlQPnNy6JR0

     I thought I had "retired" from teaching piano lessons when, surprise, I was approached by two individuals recently who expressed a desire to have me teach their children to play the piano. One of them was the parent of a former student who had decided to take some time off to regroup following a family crisis. The other was a family who is new to the area and upon learning that I have taught, approached me to teach their child to learn to play. I was both pleased and surprised by their requests.

     I have always tried to willingly and openly share my knowledge and talent with others. I began teaching lessons back in 1989, when my first child was about 18 months old. We were fairly new on our path into the world of parenting and living on our own. My husband had taken a job in another state that was far away from where I was born and raised. We were fairly fresh out of college and this was our first "real" salaried job. We tried hard to be able to live on his salary alone, but we were struggling to make ends meet.

    One day I decided I needed to do something to help stretch our budget, but what? I had a two-year diploma in Secretarial Training/Administrative Support, but I had not worked since the birth of our son. We were now living in a different state than where I had worked previously using that degree, and I was unsure where I would be able to find any employment. I was also very concerned about the care and welfare of my son. If I went back to work outside of the home, who would take care of him? I had no family members nearby and few friends. So, I did what I try to always due when faced with these kinds of dilemmas - I prayed and asked God what I should do.

    I remember explaining to Heavenly Father our dilemma. I explained how I desired to help out with the family finances, but that I felt I also needed to be home with our son. I needed something that I could do, I could feel good about and something that was mine. The answer came to me, "teach piano lessons". I had studied piano for many years growing up and felt confident that I had enough skills to be able to teach others how to play. But where to begin?

      I lacked a piano and teaching experience. God took care of these concerns. I happened to have a friend who had children that took piano lessons and she gave me some information and pointers that her children's teacher used with them. Upon asking around in my church community, I came across an individual who had a piano that was in storage and not being used. She was willing to give me the piano in exchange for teaching her to play. The only thing we had to do was go and pick up the piano and move it into our home. And so it began....

    I have been teaching for more than 20 years now and I have learned a lot about how to succeed as a business owner, and how to help my students succeed at learning to play the piano. God has placed people and resources in my path that have helped me all along the way. When I look back over those years of teaching I can't count how many times the little amount of money I brought in teaching piano lessons gave us just enough to have what we needed. It was and is truly a calling from God and a blessing in my life. It is one of my life purposes, though admittedly I sometimes haven't seen it that way.

    When I returned to college a few years ago I decided to put my piano lesson business onto the back burner and limit my teaching. I felt I needed to do that in order to be able to keep up with my classes and the homework demands. While I enjoyed getting my schooling, I missed my teaching. It was a nice change of pace, and maybe the sabbatical that I needed in order to help me appreciate what I had - and the fact that it truly is a calling from God for me.

     I will be forever grateful to my parents who started me playing and supported me financially and physically all throughout my journey. I am also very grateful to the 4 women who taught me how to play the piano, and to do it well. They were terrific mentors and role models for me as I began my own piano teaching business. I am thankful for the woman who gave me the piano that got me started, and for the beautiful piano that once sat in my parent's house and now sits in mine. It is truly a privilege and a gift from God to be able to share my talent and love of music with future generations. My hope is that they too will come to appreciate and use what they are learning to make this world a more beautiful place to live. in my dreams....