http://youtu.be/6QVmhdXnhlE
I ran across a video clip the other day that resonated with me. It's message - The Power of Vulnerability - has now come into my sphere of consciousness several time over the past few weeks. I think it's trying to tell me something. (Here is the clip for those who want to view it: The Power of Vulnerability (Dr. Brene Brown)
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html).
Over the past few years of my life I have come to better understand this "power of vulnerability". One of the symptoms that all was not right in my world was my inability to really feel deeply. At some of the most emotional and meaningful moments of my life all I felt was numb and disconnected. I felt that I was simply going through the motions of life and getting through what needed to be done. The reality of this fact really hit me at significant events in which I knew I didn't feel the way I was supposed to feel. Over the process of time and understanding, I have come to realize that I had shut down my emotions and feelings. I had felt such great pain and sorrow, that I became afraid to feel anything at all. I have found that in trying to "guard and protect my heart" from pain, I am also protecting it from feeling peace, love and joy. Life is meant to be lived and felt.
Frankly, the past few years of my life have been quite the roller coaster ride of emotions. I became overloaded and therefore, I became afraid to feel anything anymore - good or bad. I did not want to be vulnerable to any more pain, but as a result I was also not able to feel much joy or happiness. I think that one reason I shut down emotionally was because I hadn't had enough time to, nor did I completely know how to, process one life-altering event before another one came along. I felt like a sinking swimmer desperately trying to come up for air and getting hit with another wave. Wave, upon wave - and I was barely breathing.
As hard as the past year has been for me it has also been a relief for me to finally have had enough down time to be able to process a lot of what has happened in my life over these past years. It has been a year of healing both physically and emotionally. Due to my physical health and other circumstances, I have been forced to deal with things that I would really rather not have ever had to deal with. It has been sad, and sometimes quite painful in spite of my best efforts to avoid it. I have come to realize how much I missed out on feeling because I would not allow myself to be vulnerable. I have also come to realize that vulnerability is what makes us human, it is what makes life worth living. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of humanness!
So, now I am finding that when I am in a situation in which I think I should be feeling a certain way - either joy or sorrow - and I am not feeling that way that there is something very wrong. I think that as I continue to explore understand this power of vulnerability, I am healing some of the underlying wounds and lighting up some of the darker places in my life. I am finding that in the long run it is much better to allow myself to feel what I need to feel than to suppress it, because these feelings inevitably come back later- stronger and more persistently. I understand that being vulnerable will mean feeling more pain in my life, and I need to prepare myself for that possibility. But, it also opens up the possibility of feeling great peace, joy and happiness that has too long been absent from my life - and has been sorely missed. Life comes up short when the journey seems long.
I Haven't Got Time for the Pain (Carly Simon)
http://youtu.be/E3_l5Ss203I
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