Birds



"When you see me fly away without you

Shadow on the things you know

Feathers fall around you

And show you the way to go

It's over . . . it's over."

-Neil Young



Birds (Dan Fogelberg)
http://youtu.be/78Zb4tE6aCc

     Last week we dropped our youngest daughter off to begin her first year in college. We are now officially "empty nesters" and all of our "birds" have flown the coop. The phase of life with children at home is over. I'm feeling like they have all flown away without me, leaving me behind to tend the empty nest until they fly in for a brief visit.

     I am unsure of how to navigate this new phase of life. I am feeling pretty unsteady and unsure of what to do. I have been responsible to or for someone else for most of my life, and now I am finding myself with a little too much time on my hands and wondering how to fill it. When I was a young mother with three children to tend I longed for these days and the chance to do something that I wanted to do with my time other than take care of them. Now that I am here, I am feeling very displaced and unsettled. I don't know what to do with myself or how to fill my time. It doesn't help that I am facing an unplanned (and unwanted) knee surgery which will likely postpone the one thing that I was counting on being able to do next in my life. Isn't that the way it goes sometimes? The best laid plans don't always work out and so you have to learn how to manage a "plan B" that was neither expected nor wanted.

     But, life goes on whether we like it or not. Chores have to be done, jobs have to be worked, meetings have to be attended and food has to be prepared. I have found that there have been moments in my life when I wished that time would just stop or at least slow down long enough for me to catch up to it. I remember when my parents died I felt the same way. Life kept on going even when it felt like mine was falling apart and it just didn't seem right or fair or whatever. I needed some time to put the pieces of the puzzle back together again and make some sense of the disruption and chaos taking place. Right now I feel like I am living my life on a different trajectory than just about everyone else I know. No one seems to understand how I am feeling or what it feels like to be me in this life path right now. It is a very lonely feeling all in all. People mean well with their comments and questions, but sometimes it is all just to much for me to manage. It is very tempting to isolate myself, but I do not think that would be the best course of action for me to take because I have been here before and I know that I need support.

     And so my "birds" have flown away. Each one has their own flight pattern to follow, and ultimately that is what I would want for them. The hard part is feeling left behind. I know that we will always be connected by the invisible bonds of love that we share, but right now it's hard to see this. I never really thought about what it would be like to be here, now, in this situation. It always seemed to be so far away, until this past few months when it became all too near. I guess the lesson in all of this is to enjoy each moment that you have with your loved ones because it changes all too soon. Enjoy each day you have together and don't long for the future when things might seem to be better. Live each day to the fullest and appreciate every golden moment that you have with those you love - whenever and for however long you can get them.

"Time stills the singing a child holds so dear
And I'm just beginning to hear
Gone are the pathways the child followed home
Gone like the sand and the foam"
The Sand and the Foam (Dan Fogelberg)
http://youtu.be/Oh8H-SGoJ0E