“All that I am, or hope to be,
I owe to my angel mother”
-Abraham Lincoln"
Because You Loved Me (Celine Dion)
May and Mother's Day always brings me back to memories of my own mother, and of course, memories of my experiences as a mother. Each year as Mother's Day approaches I brace myself for an onslaught of bitterweet memories and emotions. Admittedly, Mother's Day is not my favorite holiday. I miscarried my second child around Mother's Day 1989. I was about 11 1/2 weeks into my pregnancy when the symptoms began. It was a painful and traumatic experience for me both physically and mentally. I was living approximately 2000 miles away from my own mother, and at a time like that, that was who I wanted more than anything to be by my side. On Mother's Day that year well meaning friends and acquaintances tiptoed around me, not knowing quite what to say about the "elephant in the room". Thanks to caring and understanding friends and a loving husband, I made it through, but not without a few tears. As traumatic as this experience was though, it did help me to have empathy for and know how to console a dear friend who later experienced the same thing.
My mother and I were able to spend Mother's Day 2000 together in my home. Unfortunately, on May 12, 2001 I received the phone call that my Mother was dying, it was the Saturday before Mother's Day. I arrived "home" early in the morning of Mother's Day 2001 and spent that day with my Mother, Father and siblings in the hospital as she lay dying. She was still coherent that day, but the Monday following (which I was also priviledged to spend with her) she was in and out of consciousness. She passed away on the morning of Tuesday, May 15. At her funeral service my cousin sang a medley of Mother's Day songs, and I played her favorite piece of music - "Somewhere, My Love" - on the piano. She loved to hear me play that song and would comment on it as I played it when I would visit home.
At the top of this blog entry is a picture of my mother and my siblings, my older brother and my older sister (sorry Karen and Kim). I think I must have been about 3 in this picture. I really don't remember. I discovered this picture in a large box of slides that I inherited from my parent's home. After my father died in 2005, I became the designated family historian. In the six years since then, I have had the priviledge of going through many papers, photographs and slides the have given me brief snapshots into my parent's life. My mother lived with a Rheumatic heart condition, enduring 5 different open heart surgeries throughout her lifetime. She was a remarkable woman. My father was an equally remarkable and compassionate man. He stood by her side through all 5 of her surgeries and subsequent recoveries. They are my role models for showing unconditional love and support.
During one of Mother's last heart surgeries, she suffered a slight stroke which effected her long-term memory, so for Christmas 2000 my father asked each of her children to write up some of their memories of their childhood for her. I took the time to reminisce and write them down for her and sent them along with a note of gratitude for all that she did for me. I also included the lyrics to the song that is posted at the beginning of this blog entry. We didn't always see everything "eye to eye", but the bottom line was (as I found out posthumously) we loved each other. How thankful I am that I took the time to do write those things down, not only so that my mother could remember, but so that I could remember too. Those memories have become more meaningful as I have worked through the grief of this loss. There is nothing quite as difficult as a child losing their mother, no matter how old they are.
I find that each year, around Mother's Day, I must take some time to remember - remember my mother and remember the good times we shared together. Isn't it interesting how those are the times that stand out the most in the long run. I'm not sure I miss her any less as the years go by, but the memories seem to become softer and sweeter with time. This year my youngest daughter will be graduating from High School in May, another bittersweet memory of May - but that is for a later blog entry, so stay tuned. I guess the bottom line is that no matter how old we get, we still want our mothers to kiss away the "owies", give us a hug and tell us everything will be alright - especially on the days when we wonder if it will be. I miss my mother everyday, but especially on Mother's Day. "Mom, I will remember you, and I will always love you." I think that is what every mother wants to hear.
"Someday, we'll meet again, my love.
Someday, whenever the Spring breaks through.
You'll come to me out of the long ago....
'Til then my sweet, think of me now and then.
God speed my love 'til you are mine again."
Somewhere My Love (Ray Conniff and the Singers -from Dr. Zhivago)
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